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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 2:17:29 PM
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There has been one major issue in my life that I have brought to self inquiry time and time again. I have worked through it and I am at a point where I think I have all the facts but I cannot get over this. So I think I need a different perspective on it.. I have noticed before, when I am too close to a problem, I don't see the big picture. What I am about to write is not easy.. but I feel I need to do this.. so please bare with me.
I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was seven. That was the first time I remember being outside myself watching. That night in bed I remember crying and feeling this intense longing in my heart.. which as a 7 year old I mistook for the love of a man..I remember being a very depressed child.. involved in everything.. but yet always unhappy, never satisfied.. I spend most of my life looking for someone to fill this longing.. and although the longing is still there.. after AYP I know my path is the only thing that will fill this void.
The more I have inquired into this, the clearer the picture becomes.. I have realized 3 very crucial things.. first.. I went through 2 years of abuse.. but actually I have been re-living those two years for the past 30 odd years.. so in reality I have been abusing myself all these years.
The second one has been a guilt issue for me.. since my early twenties (when I did realize it).. Although the first time this happened.. I could not have done anything, mainly because I did not have a clue as to what was happening.. however every single time after that.. I could have prevented it by saying no.. or telling my parents about it. I allowed this to happen to me.. I liked the attention I got from him, I loved having a secret with him.. something that no one else knew.. and finally (and this one kills me) I think I enjoyed what he did. I have read of other cases of abuse.. and every victim has always hated it.. I don't think I did. This one has been the hardest for me to accept.
The third thing that I did realize was, till about a year ago, I used this story to get closer to people, I liked the attention I got, I liked the idea of being treated as a "poor thing".. as a victim.. I somehow find it very important to accept this in front of all of you..
As I write this right now.. I am not looking for sympathy or "poor thing" from anyone. I have had loads of that.. always thought it would make it easier to get over this.. but it just gives the mind a temporary satisfaction.. I don't need that any more.
Last week while I read Byron Katie's "Loving what is" I read a part of the book.. somehow I had not read before.. It was also about someone who was abused.. and how she came to the realization that she too had a role in the abuse.. she could have stopped it.. but she did not.. she wanted to be loved.. and be treated special.. I broke down when I read this. Not sure why, I had already figured this out on my own much before I read this.
I seem to have brought this up to inquiry over and over and over again. I was down to the point where I had come to terms with it.. it happened.. and there is nothing I can do about it.. it is the reality and I have to face it and get on with my life... I don't have any guilt associated with it any more.. I did for the longest time, I felt guilty, I felt like a victim, I felt like I needed an apology, I cursed God for putting me through this.. but I don't feel any of those things any more. That was till a week back.. when I realized I was not over it.... I seem to be stuck at this point.. I still break down when I think of it or when I hear anyone else talk about it. Maybe just a process of healing.. don't know.. I just want to get past this huge emotional block I seem to have and I don't know how. For anyone who is familiar with Byron Katie's work.. the question "can you find a reason to drop this thought".. I have a reason to drop it... I will be happier and more free.. but I don't know how to drop this thought..
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Edited by - Shanti on Nov 25 2006 2:24:00 PM |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 3:35:11 PM
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Shanti,
nice to hear your story. BTW, I personally speculate that children feeling pleasure in these situations is much more common that is generally believed. I don't have any proof of that, it's more my knowledge of a major piece of repression of reality that is still going on throughout the world, even at the professional level: and this is the refusal to acknowledge properly and maturely and rationally that children are sexual creatures, and, in varying degrees, feel sexual desires and enjoy sexual behavior. I saw one of my friends child-rearing books recently, and, while the book was quite 'enlightened' and professional in a number of ways, it explained with the usual piety and denial, that young boys tendency to enjoy fondling their own genitals is not 'sexual'. That's absolute rubbish. Why do they write such rubbish? Because recognizing the truth of it is taboo. Sex is still to some extent sullied in people's minds and they can't abide recognizing that children are sexual.
Well, that last paragraph is something that comes to my mind to say, but I don't know if it is of any interest to you.
Quite honestly, while I think there was something wrong with what your uncle did, I don't think there was anything wrong with what you did, or didn't do. I only wish for your sake you had some fun with someone your own age.
I am not sure though what exactly is holding you back at this point; you don't feel guilt any more --- do you feel tremendous sadness about it? Or some sort of regret?
Let me put the question another way -- I can understand what made it a big deal then -- but if it is true that you feel no more guilt, what makes this a big deal now?
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Edited by - david_obsidian on Nov 25 2006 3:38:51 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 4:08:05 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by david_obsidian
I am not sure though what exactly is holding you back at this point; you don't feel guilt any more --- do you feel tremendous sadness about it? Or some sort of regret?
Let me put the question another way -- I can understand what made it a big deal then -- but if it is true that you feel no more guilt, what makes this a big deal now?
I have been struggling with that one. I am not sure why it is a big deal anymore.. the best I can think is... I am trying to drop the guilt associated with my three conclusions " I was
abusing myself by re-living the story in my head, I had a choice to stop.. but I did not.. and I used this story to get close to people".. Does that make sense? I don't know how to drop this.. Also, if I am over this.. why do I still get so emotional about it? |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 4:38:22 PM
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Shanti,
I think it is great that you dare to bring this up. I wrote my dissertation about consequences of childhood sexual abuse from a psychosocial health perspective.
Childhood sexual abuse is a tricky thing to get over. I do not know how well it works to solve the enormous emotional knots it brings with spiritual means only. I personally think it would help a lot to understand some of the psychology behind it also, perhaps some therapy first. It brings many negative thought patterns, very similar between victims.
For example, the phenomenon you mention about enjoying the abuse is very common! If the abuse have been soft and not violent, many victims have positive bodily experiences of it (and in fact even violent abuse may be perceived as positive - pain is love, isn't it?  ). But it is limited to the bodily experience. The mental experience is awkward. Children (even very small children) know it is something wrong that is happening and they get stuck in an ambivalence toward the perpetrator and the abuse itself. This ambivalence is torture to many victims. They come at war with their own bodies, which they think have betrayed them! The guilt is sometimes unbearable.
In adult life it can bring many secondary difficulties when it comes to continuous contact with the perpetrator, relationship difficulties, sex addiction etc. But it is like David says - children do have a sexuality, and bodies react on physical touch. The biggest problem with premature sexual fondling of children is that they are not mentally ready for adult sexuality. That's where the damage comes in. They cannot interpret what is happening, what is to be the result or what they are in power of doing or stopping!
The child is very seldom able to stop the abuse by itself. I react on that proposed "choice". Perhaps that woman had a choice, but most children don't. They are unaware. Do you have any choice when you are unaware? The child can never bear any guilt. They get stuck in so many mental traps, so even if it may look from the outside as if they had a choice - they really don't most of the times. Who would choose to continue an abusive situation?
I could write very much about this, but I wont, since I have a difficulty limiting myself on my former favourite subject.
So, Shanti, if you want to have a private discussion, please write an e-mail to me! I would be glad to share my knowledge with you if that could be of any help!
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Edited by - emc on Nov 25 2006 4:43:51 PM |
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Sonali
India
8 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 4:40:55 PM
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I think the reason this has enveloped you is that it in some way defined you. Its a reason for why you cry or why you are angry and everything else. You have made it in something larger than it needs to be. What is done cannot be undone. And if you do think that you are not able to let go unconsciously then do so consciously. Every time you relate your current life to that incident change your thoughts. Think about something else - especially something thats happy or even boring but avoid sad. In time this will come a little more naturally.
But lets go back to some questions I think are something you really need to think about - one its perfectly natural to have enjoyed that attention because thats what it was attention even if sexual. So the question is did you feel neglected or lonely as a child? You probably weren't but you should think about it if it helps understand yourself now. Have you confronted that person even if in private. You are no longer the child that was abused and he probably is sick old man if not dead. You neednt be afraid but it may help you get that anger out that you atleast made him know that you are not afraid of him. People suggest writing letters (only if he is dead) and then burning it. And finally if you recognize that you have 'used' the story to get attention - stop when you think you are. You might also be assigning feelings to things to explain them away as being because of that abuse. Look back and really analyze how many times you assigned your true feelings as being because of this incident. You may be surprised that it didnt influence your life as much.
After you have done all this analysis and there is nothing else left to do, drop it as Byron Katie said. You have done all you could do about the past, there is so much in the future to look forward to. You cannot change the past but you can change the future |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 5:56:15 PM
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Hi Shweta,
I'd like to start by saying that I am humbled by the courage and honesty in your post. I believe you will help many people with this and I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
quote:
The second one has been a guilt issue for me.. since my early twenties (when I did realize it).. Although the first time this happened.. I could not have done anything, mainly because I did not have a clue as to what was happening.. however every single time after that.. I could have prevented it by saying no.. or telling my parents about it. I allowed this to happen to me.. I liked the attention I got from him, I loved having a secret with him.. something that no one else knew.. and finally (and this one kills me) I think I enjoyed what he did. I have read of other cases of abuse.. and every victim has always hated it.. I don't think I did. This one has been the hardest for me to accept.
I think it takes a very strong and very clear person to have this amount of self-truth with themselves. I agree with David here, don't be so certain others did not feel the same way, the hate they feel could be for themselves for unwanted reactions etc., or it could be as simple as hating the whole idea of it. Our physical reactions are our physical reactions, can we choose them? I don't think so, our body simply feels what it feels, it is direct sensory input with a reaction, a biological machine giving programmed responses. Forgive your body for its reaction, it was simply responding normally to external inputs, the body does not differentiate the source.
quote:
Last week while I read Byron Katie's "Loving what is" I read a part of the book.. somehow I had not read before.. It was also about someone who was abused.. and how she came to the realization that she too had a role in the abuse.. she could have stopped it.. but she did not.. she wanted to be loved.. and be treated special.. I broke down when I read this. Not sure why, I had already figured this out on my own much before I read this.
You need to give yourself time to heal, this is a normal part of the letting go process, to let out any of the residual pain that was still inside. Remember you have been carrying this issue around for 30+ years, is a few months to heal, since you started to really dig up the issue, a lot to ask?
quote:
I seem to have brought this up to inquiry over and over and over again. I was down to the point where I had come to terms with it.. it happened.. and there is nothing I can do about it.. it is the reality and I have to face it and get on with my life... I don't have any guilt associated with it any more.. I did for the longest time, I felt guilty, I felt like a victim, I felt like I needed an apology, I cursed God for putting me through this.. but I don't feel any of those things any more. That was till a week back.. when I realized I was not over it.... I seem to be stuck at this point.. I still break down when I think of it or when I hear anyone else talk about it. Maybe just a process of healing.. don't know.. I just want to get past this huge emotional block I seem to have and I don't know how. For anyone who is familiar with Byron Katie's work.. the question "can you find a reason to drop this thought".. I have a reason to drop it... I will be happier and more free.. but I don't know how to drop this thought..
I think the crying is a form of surrender. The guilt to me is a form of resistance to what is, a reaction to what should not have been. Anger is a reaction to sadness, so it is a layer on top just like guilt. You have healed these two layers. Crying is a letting go. Allow yourself to feel this, be in it and it will dissipate in time. I agree with you, it is a process of healing. I don't see a "huge" emotional block. Is it true that crying is an emotional block? Could it be a release of an emotional block? Do not fear the crying as a sign things aren't healing, the crying is healing.
I think you have put everything in place for the healing, who said it would be instant. You have healed the guilt and the anger and you are now allowing the sadness to dissipate. Let your body heal the way it needs to not the way you think it should.
I am certain the freedom you are looking for is just around the corner.
with love,
A
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Edited by - Anthem on Nov 25 2006 5:56:48 PM |
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Kyman
530 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 6:40:41 PM
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The answers are simple.
You can shape reality into whatever story you want, with a you in the center or without a you.
Everything you 'experience' at this moment is the result of conditioning, which is why you are at AYP trying to shed or heal conditioning, and create new conditioning that centers around the purity of your awareness.
You owe no apologies.
You ask no apologies.
You are confronted only with the choice on what to concentrate on. The perspective is the same for everyone. There is only an invitation to abide in heaven.
On a more personal level, I've experienced a lot of abuse as well, and it is difficult. I can only say that meditating consistently and desiring to be in god is a sure and true way to heal and be at peace. If I were you then I'd be doing the same thing that I am as myself.
Address your life situation and make sure you surround yourself with circumstances that promote your own healing, and allow yourself to make mistakes if you are making them. Love yourself by putting yourself in social situations where you can draw upon the love from others to help you heal and keep your brain stimulated.
Peace, and a 'whole' lot of love.
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 6:58:42 PM
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Hi Shweta
Thank you for having the courage to post your story.
The replies you have gotten are fantastic in my book and I will just add my perspective.
I knew a person who was severly abused as a child along with her two sisters. The person I knew became a nun and years later left the order and after years of psychotherapy joined a psychotherapy course.
Her two sisters decided to go another route and took up TM. To her constant amazement the two TM practicioners were happy and were not taunted by their history. My friend consoled herself by saying that at least she was becoming "aware" of the everything and she liked the idea of that, so she continued.
This story may be of help to you, I don't know. You have been dwelling on it, by the sounds of it, for 30 odd years and so have developed a very strong "habit energy" in recycling it over and over.
Like sonali also infers, it is necessary to break this habit energy.
I think this is why my friend could not take up TM and be like her sisters, she had, through years of digging and digging, constantaly watered the seeds of her negitivity.
I think this is a failing of many pshchotherapy models, they don't know when to stop and let go.
So, it strikes me that you may be at a point, where you, as others have said, are doing what is necessary and in time is will fall away.
To assist in not getting caught up in watering the seeds of hatred or negitivity I have found Thich Nhat Hanh's simple technique of breathing in love and breating out the hatred or whater it is, to be very powerful and helpful, it gives a respite so that you can reconfigure your hard drive with a new habit energy.
Louis |
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Richard
United Kingdom
857 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 7:03:46 PM
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Hi Shweta, first of all I would like to second anthem and applaud your courage in posting this it cant have been easy and not many women could have done it 
Now Lets look at your three conclusions quote:
I was
abusing myself by re-living the story in my head, I had a choice to stop.. but I did not.. and I used this story to get close to people".. Does that make sense? I don't know how to drop this.. Also, if I am over this.. why do I still get so emotional about it?
The first one Reliving the story in your head. Now that is unavoidable with something as deeply upsetting as this so that’s something you had no control over The more you try to stop things like that playing back the more they will.
The Second one I Had a choice to stop, Did you really? You were seven years old you said quote:
I liked the attention I got from him, I loved having a secret with him.. something that no one else knew.. and finally (and this one kills me) I think I enjoyed what he did. I have read of other cases of abuse.. and every victim has always hated it.. I don't think I did. This one has been the hardest for me to accept.
Why would you as David said children are sexual creatures And enjoy sexual behaviour and as Sonali said it is perfectly natural to have enjoyed the attention
And finally that you used the story to get close to people. I think it more likely that it was a desire to share with people you were already quite close to as a way of becoming closer, again normal human behaviour. You have done nothing unusual or wrong there. You have already done so well with this you have no hate, no recrimination against the person who was responsible for this. That is such a major step. You are well on the road to healing here.
The waves of emotion you are experiencing when the subject rears its head is normal to, the crying itself is a form of surrender it can be a release sometimes to really let go and cry your eyes out. But it can also be your inner self or higher self however you like to think of it, saying danger negative thought don’t dwell on it. Well You cant just block a thought but you can change it from a negative one to a positive one.
Maybe something good has come of what happened to you and your reaction to it. You surely have grown and maybe it has made you pursue your spiritual path more vigorously. Perhaps in different circumstances you would never have chosen a spiritual path and never found AYP try thinking of that when the thought enters your head and feel the emotion change
Blessings Richard |
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 8:07:20 PM
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Shweta,
At some point in your life you gotta move on, even if you continue to carry that baggage. |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2006 : 9:09:05 PM
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Shanti,
BTW, when I ask you to explain why and how it remains with you, it is to try to bring out ideas about how to help, and to help by trying to bring out your own ideas.
With something like this though, it can take a long time to unwind it into its parts. So don't feel bad about not being able to explain it. You may never be able to explain it --- and yet, some day, yoga may just wipe it away. Like that!
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 26 2006 : 10:40:46 AM
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Thanks EMC, Sonali, Andrew, Kyman, Louis, Richard, Scott and David. I was not expecting so many useful responses.. forgive me if I don't say much.. I am a bit speechless here. I will need a little time to soak it up.
However.. after reading all your responses, it seems like everyone has agreed on one thing.. the feeling of liking it.. is normal, and there really wasn't anything wrong with me on that one. Also, I need to give it time to heal... and need to break my thinking pattern if I want to get over this...
Thanks again.. I really appreciate all of your thoughts and ideas. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Nov 26 2006 : 5:29:01 PM
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You're very brave, and this sounds complicated.
I wonder if your feelings toward the person who abused you have been resolved? Is it possible you hate that person for his actions, but love him in some other way, so supress the hate?
In that case, it would be necessary to fully experience the hate you have, to get it out. You would have to get completely angry with him thinking about it, and imagine he is in front of you, and tell him out loud exactly how the anger for him feels and why. Don't mix any of your love for him in it at this time.
i don't know; i'm just taking a guess. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Nov 26 2006 : 5:36:10 PM
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On demand, I post my reply to Shanti in the forum.
Hi Shweta,
Thank you for bringing the subject up in forum! I have mentioned very breifly in another post that I also have experiences of sexual abuse. That is why I started to do research on it, and have been studying the subject for 12 years. I have interviewed 152 women who experienced incest, and they all had very similar thought patterns. So I am a bit sceptical about Katies viewpoint that you "cannot know what another person is thinking". It is true that I cannot know exactly, but one can often make pretty good guesses. That is the base of human relations - that we can feel a certain togetherness from knowing "others think like me". Different traumas leaves different thought patterns. They are so alike between persons that you can write books about it and form therapy treatments specially designed for different problems. That's also why self-help groups are so effective - people recognize themselves in other's stories, whether it is about getting cancer, a child with Down's syndrome, being a drug addict or having been sexually abused.
Psychology is the realm of knowing the most usual mind-patterns and following feelings and behaviors. It is no contrast between that and then realizing from a spiritual point of view that the mind is merely a "thought machine", as Yogani says. I'd say that if you have gone to therapy and started to take a deep look at yourself you have started the self-inquiry part of the purification process, which can bring you a bit forward before even knowing anything about spiritual matters. That is how it was for me.
The mind-identity is formed in childhood from experiences and OTHERS PROJECTIONS! We become who others believe us to be. If a child is abused it gets its identity from that. The projection is: "You are not worthy of respect, your will is of no importance, you are here for my pleasure only". Children are suckers for love! We all are, we long to get out of the state of separation, but children are REALLY suckers for love! They do anything for attention, closeness and love. Children are more vulnerable than adults. They are quick to comply in order to get some attention from adults. Neglected children without good relationships to their parents are extra vulnerable - they go along with anyone or anything. Pedofiles knows this - they can stand by kindergartens and watch children play - then they choose the lonliest child and start manipulating that one to get close - the easiest pray. It sounds as if you did your best to find some kind of closeness and love through your uncle. You did your best to survive in an environment where this love was not given to you enough in any other way. You needed that at the time. Many defines that as a "survival strategy".
Another thing with children: They are totally DEPENDENT on the adults for their survival. In order to get housing, food and clothing they have to be obedient and do what adults tell them. They are in the hands of the adults around. You could almost see the child as a hostage - where would it go to escape the abuse that happens in its own home? Not much choice there... If they tell about the abuse they risk a lot. They are often afraid that it would break up the whole family and that they would be blamed for it. Where you afraid of what your mum and dad would think about you if they knew? Did you trust your parents to be on your side if you would have told, or would they have been on your uncle's side? Children are AFRAID and feel they are left with the responsability for the whole family - their loyalty is infinite!
If you look at a seven year old girl today - would you put the responsability on her to stop un uncle molesting her? Go out and look how childish a seven year old is, how innocent, how unaware of the world... and so longing for love... Would a child dare to take the risk to tell about abuse? Research and clinical experience says: NO!
I don't know if you have read anything about abuse, but the most common reports from victims is that:
- They think they are the only one in the world being victims of abuse. It is so tabu and shameful so it becomes important to keep it a secret. Victims feel lonely and that it must be something wrong and special WITH THEM, since nobody else seems to have been experiencing what they have. When the women's movement started more and more women chose to go public with their truth. No wonder you thought you were odd having positive experiences of abuse... it is a subject you just don't talk about! Sexual abuse have been called "the biggest secret". The children do not tell, the perpetrators do not tell (even more tabu to admit you are abusing a child), the professionals do not take it seriously if told... Now it is a more open climate, but when you were a child - who would you have told? So... further:
- They do not tell! Victims keep silent. In my study, 1/3 of the women told someone close in childhood, the rest waited until adulthood, up to 40 years after the abuse. A majority got a negative response. Children are not believed, they are blamed, they are silenced - told not to tell anyone... Of those who told during a period of ongoing abuse not even half of them managed to stop the abuse by telling. They were continuously abused. The environment were so dysfunctional that they could not respond adequately to the cry of help. If a child have tried to tell once without a positive result... do you think it tries again? No. They keep silent, they learn to shut up! And they blame themselves. They fall into a "learned helplessness" and turn all the negative emotions inwards.
- They "know" it is something wrong with the abuse. Even if it is "nice". Why is that? Well, the main reason is that you feel it is a non-loving act, that is, an act that is not meant to be pleasant for the child in the first place. It is the needs of the adult that is in focus. The child is USED for another persons needs. And human beings can sense the aim or intention from another person very adequately. You directly feel if a person is selfish, don't you? For example, there is a habit in some african tribes - mothers stimulate their children's sex organs in the evenings to make them go asleep. The children does not seem to take any harm, and it is accepted in the society. They feel that the mothers do not do it for personal sexual pleasure - it is just a means to get the child to fall asleep.
- They feel that the abuse got to be a "normal" part of life that they had to put up with. Children do not have reference frames. Their experiences are their whole world. I did not know that what I had been exposed to was "sexual abuse" until I was 23. I thought it was something that just happened and had to happen, because that's how it was in our family. Did it have a name? Humans can get accustomed to anything! And here is a very lurky human psychological law: If you have said YES to something once it will be VERY DIFFICULT to suddenly say NO to the very same thing again. If we have made some sort of committment, we will feel an inner and outer pressure to go along with it. If we have said yes two or more times... well, you can just imagine how much more difficult it will be to say no after that... You will find yourself stuck in a HABIT suddenly... Something radical must happen to break the habit. Can you figure out what made you stop it after a few years? Something must have happened...
Shame and guilt is the most profound feelings along with grief and a feeling of being different than others. It comes from secrecy, betrayal of trust and a lost childhood. A child should not have to GIVE sexual services in order to get loved. A child should be protected in its own home. A child should be able to trust adults. A child should be given the chance to be a child and not grow up too quickly. Being sexually abused is getting robbed of all that. It is sad. Children ARE VICTIMS. So Katie's words to that abused woman is somewhat awkward, I think. The trick in rehabilitation and overcoming the abuse is to get out of the victim role. To acknowledge that you actually were a victim, to acknowledge the sorrow of it, but as an adult the responsability is to not get stuck in the victim role. To accept, to forgive if possible, and to focus on NOW and what you have instead of what you don't have.
Our souls take on many roles, and you (and I) chose the victim role in this life. To say you had a choice as a child is not helping much... I'd say from what you have written, that you have blockages when it comes to the guilt and sorrow parts. Let it all out, so that you become aware of the feelings you still unconcsiously carry with you. The meditation work à la Yogani is surely burning the blockages as well, but why not also help it with a bit of emotional work??? I certainly wont do more harm! Contact your inner child, who still is carrying the pain. One easy practice is this:
Sit down, close your eyes, go down into deep breathing and see yourself walking on a small road in a landscape. The sun is shining, fields are all around, birds fly in the sky. Walk there for a while until you feel at ease. You walk along the road and far away you see someone coming. You see them getting closer and closer but the picture is blurry. When they get close enough you see it is a child or some children coming towards you. Notice what state the child/children are in. What is the expression on their faces? What are they doing? When you have them there in front of you, you can ask them whatever you want, depending on what you see. I promise they will all have important things to tell you! They will reveal what you still carry around. And you can chose to listen to them, feel with them, and then if necessary comfort them in anyway you want. One possible sentence is "You do not have to carry that anymore. I now know how you feel, and I can carry it for you". This has been a very powerful tool for me to get to know myself. It is awareness SEEING WHAT IS, and then it burnes away more easily.
Some emotional knots will take many rounds to purify. Child sexual abuse is known to be one of the most difficult psychological traumas to take care of, but it is definitely possible! I saw that someone was very sceptical towards therapy in the forum thread, but I'd like to claim that psychotherapy, self-help groups and the like have increased life quality for many victims! Many live their lives afterwards with joy and thankfulness for the experiences they have had.
For me, the spiritual knowledge I now have, has made it easier for me to understand WHY I was abused, and Katies tool is great to work with the negative thought patterns. The aim of both psychotherapy and spiritual development is to losen up emotional ties to the past. The pitfall is to believe you are done emotionally only because you have understood the "theory" of it. If the negative patterns continue, as they do for you (and me too), it is only a sign that unconscious thoughts/feelings are still there, waiting to be seen. The feelings are suppressed, making you confused and sad.
Another brief meditation you can do is to just sit down in deep breathing and concentrate on the spot right under the bones where the ribs divide on the chest. And just ask - "What is in my heart right now?" And wait for an answer. When I do this I meet sorrow. Oceans of sorrow.
You know, it is not only YOUR sorrow you are healing when you do this! You connect with the collective pain and your healing helps others to heal. If you heal, you make it easier for those who come after you! I have all my life felt the "weltschmerz" - the world pain - and when I go into my sorrow I feel I cry for all my sisters in all times that have been abused. It is a great job you are doing!!!! =) Don't forget that!
I have now only written some of the basics about abuse. I don't know if it is of any help, but I hope so. Please write back if you have more questions or just want to share!
With love,
emc
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Sonali
India
8 Posts |
Posted - Nov 26 2006 : 8:55:56 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
Thanks EMC, Sonali, Andrew, Kyman, Louis, Richard, Scott and David. I was not expecting so many useful responses.. forgive me if I don't say much.. I am a bit speechless here. I will need a little time to soak it up.
However.. after reading all your responses, it seems like everyone has agreed on one thing.. the feeling of liking it.. is normal, and there really wasn't anything wrong with me on that one. Also, I need to give it time to heal... and need to break my thinking pattern if I want to get over this...
Thanks again.. I really appreciate all of your thoughts and ideas.
I needed to say a quick word that I normally don't post here but this touched me especially because I have to confess this happened to me, not rape but the touching and feeling and this person was a friend of my father. It happened once but upsets me and makes me angry at how this man took advantage of my being a child while his wife was not so far away and my dad was right there. I know my dad would have 'killed him' if he only knew but I didnt even know if what happened was wrong. I wondered if my dad would have believed me over that grown man. Now of course as a mother and knowing my dad I know he would have but I didnt. I was afraid of the embarassment. I didnt hate what happened I just didnt like it and knew it was wrong. I think if I was vulnerable I would have enjoyed the attention. So I guess I understand you in a way.
Its not affected my life as much but other situations have and I know the most important thing is letting go (note I never read byron katie so don't have much insight to what she says) but I do believe in moving on. I do believe that our minds can be controlled and we can make choices - making the choice to move on is the only way you can. But you have to make peace with your past and analyzing your past and facing them even if it hurts you or other people around you will help you get some closure. And if it doesnt you tried.
Shanthi hopefully this helps you and I do agree you are a brave lady to talk about this so honestly. |
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Athma_Shakti
India
81 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 01:04:49 AM
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Hi Shanthi
forget about whatever happend, but forgetting is a temporary solution by supressing the thoughts still it will be there in subconscious mind.
do as much as meditation as possible to develop inner silence, to dissolve the thoughts and you know very well about that.
your name itself means Peace. Oum Shanthi
healing is not possible through judgement. heal it through meditation. don't think about the past, it will stir your mind and put you in endless loop for judgement. you didn't do anything wrong. atlast our true self is not this body.
everyone has their own past and sometimes we have to go through difficult circumstances.
so be happy, God has given us beautiful life, don't worry, enjoy the every moment of life, enjoy the nature. love yourself, your friends, your boyfriend LOL, and everyone around you. Love is the best treatment for healing.
thats my advice to you.
i appreciate your courage for posting.
Lots of Love and Light and an Embrace from Mother Land
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2006 : 08:21:49 AM
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emc wrote:quote:
Some emotional knots will take many rounds to purify. Child sexual abuse is known to be one of the most difficult psychological traumas to take care of, but it is definitely possible! I saw that someone was very sceptical towards therapy in the forum thread, but I'd like to claim that psychotherapy, self-help groups and the like have increased life quality for many victims! Many live their lives afterwards with joy and thankfulness for the experiences they have had
Hi emc, I presume you were talking about my comments on psychotherapy.
I know many people who have been helped greatly with psychotherapy and I have some training in it myself. It has a lot to offer and when someone is confused and needs help it can be a life saver.
I do also have reservations about it but maybe I am biased. This thread is about abuse, well I would say that I was bady abused by the pshchotherapy process, granted it was by one group therapist in particular. It took me about 8 years to recover from this and it is debatable whether the recovery is complete - feel free to agree  .
On the other hand I have learned a lot from that abuse but in my view it should not have occured and was probably due to incompetance. Basically I was broken and dumped out on the psychological scrapheap with a deep hatred for all psychotherapists and no backup or any kind of support or followup, it was psychological butchery.
I do think the process can be very basic and is totally dependant on the quality of the therapist themselves. However going to a therapist is very different to doing a professional course in it, so there is an added safety there.
I do a meditation night on Tuesday evenings, which is actually run by psychotherapists, this was a big step for me to take.
Talking to the main leader, who is now fed up with nursemaiding people in the therapy process - she often says, she wishes they would grow up and get a life. This is maybe after 5 years of therapy.
So what I am saying really is that psychotherapy often does not lead to a condition of letting go or surrender and the therapists are not generally trained in this either.
In my view developing the witness through inner silence is a more powerful tool and when combined with good self inquiry should be all one needs.
On the other hand if you can do this and also get hold of a therapist who is also in the witness state and work in this way then your laughing.
So I think psychotherapy has a lot of growing up to do.
Louis
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lucidinterval1
USA
193 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2006 : 4:05:34 PM
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Shweta,
Obviously your story has gripped everyone's heart. I believe that if you truly want to get over this it is going to take total forgiveness. Forgiveness towards your uncle, and most importantly forgiveness of yourself. We all are human. That's why we are still here!
With much Love!
Paul |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2006 : 4:53:19 PM
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Hi - and Namaste - Shweta,
Thank you so much for sharing both your story and your insight. I sincerely hope that this forum thread is helpful to you.
Quite a few years ago, a close female family member of mine was abused by a family friend, and I believe it's fair to say that the long-term ramifications are still affecting our family, even though the situation was handled as consciously as possible at the time (family counseling, unconditional love for the girl who was abused, much dialog concerning how she had done nothing wrong, no sense on anyone's part that the situation should be hidden*, etc.)
(*It was about as non-hidden as it gets; the story made the papers, and the perpetrator went to prison for several years.)
Several years after the fact, another female family member and I were discussing forgiveness - and how, essentially, it is the only way to live.
The reasons for this go very, very deep (for all of us) --- all the way, actually.
And, by the way, when I say "Forgiveness", I'm not speaking in the sense of the ego-based "I, the person in the right, deign to not harbor ill-feelings against you, the person in the wrong." - but rather, in the spiritual sense where "Forgiveness" equates to letting go - thereby erasing the chains with which we bind ourselves.
As Jewel sings in "Life Uncommon", on her Spirit album, "We set down our chains - and only faith remains".
And I realize, as commonly defined, that "Forgiveness" may not seem to apply here - so I would simply ask:
Is there any aspect of this situation which does not allow your energy and/or consciousness to be fully present in this moment?
When I was speaking to my other family member (not the one abused; another relative) about forgiveness, she made the comment that she forgave everyone and everything in her life - with the exception that she would never forgive the perpetrator of the sexual abuse mentioned above.
I told her that I understood, completely.
I then said, "The courts sentenced [name of perpretrator] to several years in prison ... and you have sentenced yourself to a lifetime in prison."
She considered for a moment or two, and then brightened noticeably, and said, "I get it! Forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with him!"
I just smiled and said, "Exactly".
Forgiveness is simply the ongoing decision to be here, to be free, and to not color our perception of the world with egoic chatter from the past.
Do I live this perfectly? Hah! Not even close -- but I have experienced, over and OVER and OVER again, that if our hearts are truly filled with love for ourselves and the world around us, the forgiveness is both the greatest gift we can give to all - including ourselves - and our greatest duty (not presuming to project that aspect on to anyone else, but it's sincerely how I feel about it, for myself.)
And again - Forgiveness just means letting go of anything we think we can hold on to - so that we can be here, and be free to be connected with all life - which is, of course, our natural state.
I've found A Course in Miracles and related books (i.e. Forgiveness, by Gerold Jampolsky) to be very useful, here.
Here's a link to a very nicely done overview - http://www.catherineblountfdn.org/forgiveness.html
Adyashanti recently made a consummately powerful point which applies, as well, I feel - he said that the energy which has the desire (or grudge, or regret, or confusion, etc.) and the energy seeking the solution to the "issue" at hand, is the _same_ energy -- what we usually call "ego".
If we just drop it, and let ourselves be quiet, and be here --- ahhh, peace!
But how? How do we let go?
Imagine if you were struggling with both hands to hold up a fifty pound suitcase full of bricks, and you were commenting (loudly and colorfully) as to how uncomfortable you were.
Imagine then, if someone said, "Well, why don't you just let it go?"
Would you respond with "How?"
(And please know - per everything I've written above - I "get" how deep a situation like this can go --- and I'm not trying to minimize your situation (and would never presume to be in a position to do so) ---- but sometimes (often? ), things are as simple as we allow them to be.)
Another point I'll offer is one I'm able to offer (once again) thanks to Adyashanti's "on-the-ground" wisdom:
A person (very distraught) was asking him "but WHY??!!"
(I have no recollection about what ---- doesn't matter.)
Adya gently smiled, and answered, "God doesn't answer 'why' questions".
With a complete sense of unconditional love, honor and respect - I'll say that it seems that you've come _almost_ all the way to freedom, here - you've come down a rocky path, to the door to freedom -- your hand is on the knob, and you've turned it - but you won't pull it open -- because you're still asking "why?"
(Not "why did it happen?", but "why do I break into tears whenever I think of it?")
You can explore that question for the rest of your life, if you like - and I respect that choice completely, if it is the one you wish to make.
Personally, I've found that exploring the "why" of anything is a tail-chasing proposition at best -- it is enough to honor and experience _that_ something happens (referring to your emotions in the present, specifically).
If tears come up - move into those tears fully - feel your feelings, all the way.
I've done this for various reasons in my own life -- and find that the given emotion connected to the tears (sadness, grief, etc.) isn't nearly as painful (as when my mind is involved, too), that the tears pass faster, and that I feel a sense of cathartic cleansing and peace when the tears / sobs, etc. are finished (which is noticeably absent if I'm "why-ing" all over the place at the same time .... )
As David Deida (respected American teacher of Tantra) says, "Emotions are like weather - they're not bad or good, masculine or feminine - they're weather. When the storm comes, the storm comes - when it passes, it passes."
I imagine we all know that cleansing feeling after a powerful storm.
But why did it happen?
How can we make the storm stop?
(As in: maybe the storm example will help put the "why" and "how" queries into perspective.)
.... and one final time, please know that I recognize fully that a few suggestions on different perspectives or approaches may not resolve a situation that has been with you for decades ---- but here's genuinely hoping that these suggestions at least help you to move in the direction of the peace you seek.
Namaste and Aum Shanti,
Kirtanman
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Christi
United Kingdom
4375 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2006 : 6:51:05 PM
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Hi Shanti,
Like everyone, I was very moved by your post. I was also abused as a child, but not sexually, only physically and psychologically. I carried it around for a long time, with a lot of anger and then depression. I knew that all I had to do was let go, but I never seemed able to. Then one day I did it . I thought I would write here what I did. This is a bit weird, so please just ignore it if you think it is too weird, or inappropriate . But it is a clear account of what happened in my case.
I sat down to meditate one day, but I could not concentrate because I kept thinking of the people who had abused me. This happened often. So I decided to give up even trying my usual meditation, and try a visualization instead. So I imagined myself on one side of a beautiful sunny field. On the other side of the field was one of the people who had abused me slightly in my past (start off slow). We both had bodies, but actually we were in our soul forms, and we were just projecting the bodies in order to play out this dance. In the visualization, we had both actually died, and left out earth lives behind, and were meeting again as a reconciliation process. We had played out our individual dramas and games, made our mistakes and learned all our lessons and now it was time for forgiveness and love. We ran towards each other, across the field (like on the movies) and fell into each others arms like we were brothers/ sisters that had not seen each other for years. We hugged each other and silently forgave each other for everything that had happened on earth. Then I would repeat the visualization with someone who had abused me quite a bit. Then again with someone who had abused me a lot. Each time it would get easier, and feel easier to forgive. Then I did it with the person who had really abused me for years (that was quite hard, but I could feel the love flowing between our hearts). Finally I did it with myself. That feels like a really important bit- I'm not quite sure why.
O.K. I told you it was a bit weird.
The whole exercise took around an hour (there were a lot of people). I repeated the whole thing three times a day, for ten days. That's 30 hours of this stuff. Since then when I think of anyone who has abused me in the past in any way, I feel only compassion and love towards them. If they asked me for help, I would do whatever I could to help them. My meditations have never once been disturbed by memories of abuse. And my ability to forgive and love both others and myself have increased one-hundred-fold.
I think if I had done this visualization for one hour it would not have worked. I believe that minds work like records. They have grooves in them. The record will play the same tune over and over, until we cut new grooves. So it took 30 hours of intense imaginative work for me to cut the new grooves. (I have never needed to do the visualization again since the end of those ten days.)
I also believe that we can use our minds to create any reality we want. I feel it happening more and more.
I hope this is of some help. It really helped me.
Love and Light
Christi
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Edited by - Christi on Dec 02 2006 7:00:52 PM |
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2006 : 7:59:18 PM
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| Great idea Christi! |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2006 : 3:10:16 PM
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Sparkle,
quote:
I do think the process can be very basic and is totally dependant on the quality of the therapist themselves.
So what I am saying really is that psychotherapy often does not lead to a condition of letting go or surrender and the therapists are not generally trained in this either.
Finding a good therapist is like finding a good spiritual supervisor. It's a jungle out there and some are saints, some are devils to your psyche or development. It that doesn't mean psychotherapy or spiritual development is bad in itself. You know when you have found the one that is right for you. I guess you have met therapist from the psychodynamic school - based on the old freudian heritage, which nobody really takes seriously anylonger. However, cognitive and behavioural therapists say: Change your thoughts and your feelings will change as well. You just have to find therapists that are a bit up to date.
Kirtanman and Christi,
Great posts! It makes me wonder, though... As I see it right now:
As long as I am not steady and stable in presence, I will flip in and out between mind and presence - as long as I can't stay home I will separate myself from home and suffer from my mind. Then I see several things that may happen
- I can try not to bother with my suffering mind/emotions and just focus on dropping the thoughts as you suggest. But that takes a great bit of awareness to be able to do that.
- I can lose my awareness and fall into my suffering mind for a while until I catch a glimpse of awareness and start working from there trying to drop my thoughts. Meanwhile I have been deep down in great pain and perhaps caused further damage to myself and others.
- I can be aware of my switching between my suffering mind and awareness and decide to make the dips into unaware suffering a bit more bearable by working psychologically with my mind.
I wonder if the last post is a good solution for persons with very painful minds? Or people who have not come so far yet on the awareness practices? I guess that is what I try to do to get my life running somewhat smooth anyway. I am a beginner at meditation and staying present. What am I to do when I get into uncontrolled emotions without awareness being able to get hold of? Well... I continue with my meditation practices and hope the forces will transform my mind, but I also help myself when I am in my "mind state" to work with my mind.
There is something called maturity. People do get calmer minds if they learn to think, feel, behave more functionally, even without meditation.
But that also makes me wonder about the characteristics of the mind... as the purification process goes further... is the mind transformed automatically? Will I get rid of my negative thoughts, will they diminish, or will it just be easier to not mind about them?
I also wonder about what child sexual abuse actually does to our energy body. It awakens sexual energy far too soon, before the neurobiology is ready for it in any way. What happens to the neurobiology and energy paths in abused children?
And also... What psychologists call "dissociation" is very common in victims. From what I understand, they learn to open a link into the astral world and become very medial persons. However, the link opens automatically on conditioned stimulus and is therefore very dysfunctional for them. They are no longer "here", they become passive and are easily victimized over again. Example: Woman meets man at pub. Man shows sexual interest, which is a trigger. Woman dissociates, flies away in some space, loses control over herself, and ends up in bed with the man. Afterwards she can not recall what happened and why. Very common story from victims.
How does this ability to dissociate affect the purification process?
Hm. Many new questions for me now with this new perspective... |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2006 : 9:07:00 PM
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I know I should have posted something much earlier, everyone here has taken so much time to post their thoughts to help me.. every single post has meant more to me than anything else has in my life for a long time. Every post has so much feeling, compassion and meaning.
Now to explain why I have not been replying. I will try my best.. but at times its hard to put my thoughts in words.. esp. in this case, because.. I am a little lost as to what my thoughts really are..
I read your posts.. and I have tears in my eyes.. it touches a part deep inside me. But they are all just a bunch of words.. that have a meaning in English, that makes perfect logical sense.. and yet I don't understand them... does that make sense? . I don't want to sound rude. I am not saying the advice you are giving me is useless.. on the contrary.. it is way more useful than anything else I have had in my life.. I see things so much more clearly now, than I did a week back.. I can find an explanation for a lot of things that I was and am going through.. however, I cannot figure out how to apply it... like Sailor Bob says.. I am using my mind to understand my mind.
All of you have said, forgive him and yourself.. at a conscious level I hold no grudges against him, and with all your help, I think I am over the fact that it was my fault.. like many of you said.. put yourself in the place of the 7 year old, could you have stopped it.. the answer is NO.
Some have said just drop the feeling, some have said move on. I think I have moved on, I don't feel like a victim, I don't hold any grudges against my uncle, I can think about that afternoon and the 2 years that followed.. without stirring up any emotions. I don't curse my fate, my life, my God anymore. I don't hold on to the story that he ruined my life anymore. I don't blame everything that goes wrong in my life, on the abuse anymore. But this is all at the level of the mind I understand. and this seems to be at the surface level..
This morning.. I was up early, and did not feel like getting out of bed, nor could I get back to sleep.. so I tried what EMC suggested... I stink at visualizing.. so I was not expecting anything from this. I walked down a path and was met by a bunch of kids I sat down and tried to listen to what they were saying.. they were all speaking together.. a lot of noise.. everyone was speaking together.. I have no clue what they said and then one of the little girls came forward.. and said "he hurt me" and started to cry.. I held her but I forgot what i was supposed to say to her... all I did was hold her in my arms and cry with her.. Not sure if that worked like it was supposed to.. maybe a few more trys at it may tell me something... or maybe it did work.. so many of you have said crying is a way of surrendering and letting go..
I also tried what Christi suggested.. I waited with my uncle in front.. I am really surprised at how clearly I could see him... Esp. because, after those 2 years, I did not see much of him, and he died in his forties.. Anyway... so I could see him.. his face, his expressions.. it was a bit unnerving and unreal (like I said I stink at visualizing.. and this is the first time I guess I saw things so clear).. My mind kept moving away from there.. I brought it back.. it may have been almost half an hour.. but I could not do it... I could not get myself to touch him.. leave alone hug him... I did not feel any anger, hatred, guilt, fright, love,.. actually I was completely indifferent..emotionless.. and yet I could not touch him..
I am not trying to analyze this.. I am a little tired of analyzing and justifying. Esp... because I don't really think I know what it is that is bothering me anymore. I truly have a feeling my practice will get me through this.
I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I have never had so much good advice in my life before.. and I really think.. with time, everything you all say here will become clear to me.. just that, right now.. I seem to be looking through a fog.. and I don't see clearly what I should be seeing.
Thank you all.. this thread has proven to be very helpful. I appreciate all your help. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2006 : 06:45:37 AM
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quote:
I have no clue what they said and then one of the little girls came forward.. and said "he hurt me" and started to cry.. I held her but I forgot what i was supposed to say to her... all I did was hold her in my arms and cry with her.. Not sure if that worked like it was supposed to.. maybe a few more trys at it may tell me something... or maybe it did work.. so many of you have said crying is a way of surrendering and letting go..
Sounds great. You took care of her, you dared to see her and you could feel with her and comfort her. It will ease the pressure. When you put light on the pain it will fade away. Your sense of confusion is perfectly okey! You are handling a lot of old pain and it always feels strange. You should do exactly what you do, since that IS what you do. You need a bit of "fog" right now.
I love your courage! It is beautiful.
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2006 : 10:18:15 AM
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EMC said:
"But that also makes me wonder about the characteristics of the mind... as the purification process goes further... is the mind transformed automatically? Will I get rid of my negative thoughts, will they diminish, or will it just be easier to not mind about them?"
My experience on this has been, meditation , inner silence and self inquiry work hand in hand. If I had tried self inquiry before I was into meditation, I don't think I would have got much out of it. Meditation itself unclogs and digs stuff out to the surface. It also brings in us inner silence and surrender. So at this point if we apply self inquiry.. which is one of the 8 limbs of yoga.. Jnana Yoga , it fits right in with meditation. Only meditation without self inquiry may work just as well I think.. and vice versa... but having self inquiry with meditation may hasten the process, and if nothing else, make it easier to accept the things that are surfacing with meditation.
EMC said:
"I also wonder about what child sexual abuse actually does to our energy body. It awakens sexual energy far too soon, before the neurobiology is ready for it in any way. What happens to the neurobiology and energy paths in abused children?"
You are right EMC, a child's neurobiology is not ready for the high levels of energy.. that is why most sexually abused children suffer from depression.(I think) That is one reason Yogani does not recommend children doing 20 min meditation.. or any of the other AYP practices Lesson 256 - Yoga for Our Children . When you and I have energy overloads.. we get depressed.. and we self pace, and do grounding stuff.. but a child does not know, and has to live through these energy highs without help. But one thing EMC.. the exposure to this is one of the reasons, I find the tantra practices so easy. So there was a silver lining in that dark cloud.
EMC said:
"And also... What psychologists call "dissociation" is very common in victims. From what I understand, they learn to open a link into the astral world and become very medial persons. However, the link opens automatically on conditioned stimulus and is therefore very dysfunctional for them. They are no longer "here", they become passive and are easily victimized over again.
How does this ability to dissociate affect the purification process? "
I feel what you say. I can also say, I have experienced it.. there are many periods of my life that are a blank in my head too.. but I don't have an answer for this one.. not yet. |
Edited by - Shanti on Dec 04 2006 12:01:38 PM |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4375 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2006 : 8:08:49 PM
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Hi Shweta,
quote:
Shweta wrote:
I also tried what Christi suggested.. I waited with my uncle in front.. I am really surprised at how clearly I could see him... Esp. because, after those 2 years, I did not see much of him, and he died in his forties.. Anyway... so I could see him.. his face, his expressions.. it was a bit unnerving and unreal (like I said I stink at visualizing.. and this is the first time I guess I saw things so clear).. My mind kept moving away from there.. I brought it back.. it may have been almost half an hour.. but I could not do it... I could not get myself to touch him.. leave alone hug him... I did not feel any anger, hatred, guilt, fright, love,.. actually I was completely indifferent..emotionless.. and yet I could not touch him..
That was really brave of you! When I posted up the visualization that I used, I wasn't actually sudjesting it as something for you to try, although of course you are free to if you want. I am sorry if I did not make this clear. I was trying to show you that these things can be overcome, and we can move on in a positive and fulfilling way. I posted the visualization to show you how I did it, because it was something that worked for me in my situation.
If you ever actually manage to imagine yourself hugging a man who sexually abused you, with a completely open heart full of forgiveness, that would be a huge step, (I would bow down and touch your feet), and the culmination of a long process that would take a fair bit of working at. In the case of the visualization that I used, that would mean starting off with imagining a friend who at one time had done something to hurt you, and building up from there, over a period (maybe a long period) of time, until you felt ready to incorporate your Uncle.
The visualization that EMC recommended sounds much more suitable for you to practice at this time, and sounds like it could be very positive.
Love and light
Christi
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Abuse, Guilt and Letting go...
