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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 11 2007 : 08:19:40 AM
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Hi
A friend recently told me about an aspect of the AA twelve steps. This was the simple aid of HALT when confronted with an addictive impulse.
Addictions, of course spread through all of our lives in one form or another and I decided to adopt this for a while when I would go into the kitchen for a nibble!!.
I made up a little Gatha, which is a reminder to get in touch with yourself in some way relating to the Gatha.
It went like this:
HALT before I eat that thing, breeeaath!
Am I, H- hungry, A-angry, L-lonely, T-tired
If so, HALT and go do something else for fifteen minutes
And let true joy and abundance be me in this moment now.
Apparently if we HALT and identify one of the above, then go and do something else for 10-15 minutes, to distract ourselves, it can offset the craving for the time being. With training the mind can be re-conditioned to be less involved with the addiction. I think that’s the jist of it anyway.
On entering the kitchen for a nibble, I would say to myself HALT and see which one of the four was me. It invariably came to be “lonely”.
After doing this for a few days I became more and more aware of this lonely ache in my heart. I have it now all the time.
I also became aware that this same ache of loneliness was associated with a background depression.
Although I don’t have much depression in my life now, I am very familiar with it from the past, so I recognise the ache of loneliness and how it can lead to depression. And that being said, maybe I have a background depression now and not admitting it to myself.
So what to do about it?
Well I would think that an intimate and loving relationship with a partner would get rid of the ache.
But since I don’t have this I had to look at alternatives.
For me loneliness = separation, separation from within and separation from outside. I would have thought that ultimately we are all utterly and completely alone, but now I think this thinking is flawed.
I went for a walk last night, it was windy with a chill breeze. The trees shedding their brown and yellow leaves and the smell of autumn in the air. Aware of this lonely ache in my heart and its association with separation I began to look at the trees through the eyes of the ache. Feel the pavement with my feet, feel the sound of the rustling trees in my body.
The sense of separation diminished, I had friends around me, all I had to do was be with them through this ache.
It is teaching me to be more present, it is teaching me that giving in to the cravings that camouflage the ache is also taking me away from the present moment, away from myself, away from being present with others.
Although I have an ache, I feel more alive.
Does this strike a chord with anyone?
Thanks, Louis
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Edited by - Sparkle on Nov 11 2007 10:25:23 AM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2007 : 09:16:11 AM
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*stroiiinnnngggg*
(That was a chord stroken)
Very nice post, Louis! That loneliness is enormous sometimes. The pendulum swinging between separation and oneness is increasing the swings... |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2007 : 11:14:02 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Sparkle
It went like this:
HALT before I eat that thing, breeeaath!
Am I, H- hungry, A-angry, L-lonely, T-tired
Yes, that strikes a chord with me.
In my experience, eating can serve to reduce pranic energy flow. For a while, I tried a diet where whenever I about to eat, I would ask, "Am I hungry," and when the answer was no, I would not eat. Sometimes I found my impulse to eat was a detour from, an escape from pranic energy, an attempt to press it down. I learned that those times of refraining from eating became an opportunity to enjoy ecstatic conductivity. |
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clk1710
92 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2007 : 11:46:36 AM
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wow, thanks for that post, sparkle!! talk about striking a cord with me...YEAH! first of all, i'm familiar with HALT and i think it is so important in addition to checking in with ourselves in the moment but also to guard against hungry, angry, lonely, tired in the ways we can... getting at least 8 hrs sleep, eating before we are starving and ridding ourselves of resentments to guard against anger. loneliness though... i'll comment on that because i know where you are coming from with that (and thanks for sharing about your nature walk, i can relate) and its more of a spiritual loneliness which i have felt ALOT lately. i just had a crying fit 2 days ago crying out from the pain of not being merged with God and crying from feeling that illusion of separateness that often gets projected in attachments to people, places or things. i try to remember though that i'm really crying because i want to feel God all the time, not just sometimes damnit!
so thanks for sharing sparkle. we can talk about those things here but i imagine if someone ever saw me crying and asked why and i'd respond by saying "because i'm not fully merged with God!" i'd sound like a lunatic! so i create a safe and PRIVATE place to have those moments. the good news is that AYP discusses how transferring those feelings of loneliness into Bhakti can accelerate our spiritual path. God bless, sparkle! |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2007 : 5:51:16 PM
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quote:
*stroiiinnnngggg*
(That was a chord stroken)
Very nice post, Louis! That loneliness is enormous sometimes. The pendulum swinging between separation and oneness is increasing the swings...
stroiiinnnngggg back to you thanks for the orchestral confirmation.
Bewell said: quote:
Sometimes I found my impulse to eat was a detour from, an escape from pranic energy, an attempt to press it down. I learned that those times of refraining from eating became an opportunity to enjoy ecstatic conductivity.
Yes, this brings to mind, fear of our own light, as in: http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....ID=2949#2949
I guess it's all about fear, and what entering that fear will open up in us - how it will possibly confront us with stepping out of the comfortable chains we are bound in 
clk1710, what a beautiful post. quote:
and its more of a spiritual loneliness which i have felt ALOT lately. i just had a crying fit 2 days ago crying out from the pain of not being merged with God and crying from feeling that illusion of separateness that often gets projected in attachments to people, places or things. i try to remember though that i'm really crying because i want to feel God all the time, not just sometimes damnit!
I know the feelings well of getting attached to people and things and the difficulty of shedding the identifications and the expectations that go with them.
And, as you say, the ache and bhakti are the same thing, if we are aware of this we can allow it to take us on the ride of our life. With AYP, which includes self pacing, we can rest in knowing we are in safe hands. Rest into the divine flow of surrender - Godammit i still have that ache
God bless all
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2007 : 8:54:04 PM
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I have, for the first time in decades, been facing what appears to be loneliness. I recognize it, it is familiar, from the time before my soul-mate and I discovered the true depth of our love. We traveled our path together for 35 years, and since she passed away 6 months ago, I have felt an overwhelming aloneness, the utter solitary ache of separation. I am attempting to discover the true nature of this loss, this pain, this separation, because I have spent the past many years in peace and joy, fulfillment and unity. Was that only an illusion? Could such profound oneness and perfect internal silence be identified with only my other half, and gone with her? None of this makes very much sense--but then again, maybe there is no sense to be made of it--perhaps it only takes acceptance of the changes and learning to once again live totally in the present moment without expectation or anticipation. Perhaps the lesson for me is that my attachment to and identification with my wife was also an illusion--or maybe it's that she is neither here, nor gone from here, and she never was and always will be--she is yet me, and with me, and in me, and I am yet with her--perhaps the oneness which I always felt is neither gained nor lost, but merely signified or represented by the unity she and I shared for so long--we were no longer two, but one--we gained that experience through the devotion we practiced and the love we shared. Our search for god, for Self, and for love all ended up being the same thing--love, god and self became one, and the path was devotion to one another. Now I have lost her (or have I?), but in any case--I feel very alone. Maybe I've always been this alone. Which is the illusion--the oneness of our decades together, or the loneliness of this loss? And I thought I was well past all these questions and uncertainties! Doors open, doors close--Everything is just as it is...
Michael |
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sadhak
India
604 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2007 : 10:40:02 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Sparkle
With AYP, which includes self pacing, we can rest in knowing we are in safe hands. Rest into the divine flow of surrender - Godammit i still have that ache
God bless all
Hi Sparkle,
LOL@your last line. I think we all have it. Varying degrees at different times. Sometimes masked, at others in your face gnawing away. Could almost see myself walking your autumn walk, feeling the pavement, the rustle of leaves. Familiar. The ache goes only when I embrace it, accept it, be with it.
If it is any consolation to you, I have a very loving relationship with my partner, but still feel what you feel. It isn't because of what is not there, it is because of what is there.
Sometimes it is also directly telling you to do something. Are you getting any signs to do (this may not be true everytime) anything?
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2007 : 03:44:57 AM
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Louis......
quote:
Well I would think that an intimate and loving relationship with a partner would get rid of the ache.
A relationship with anything other than your true nature will never, permanently, "get rid of" the ache. Certainly - a loving relationship is very fulfilling. It is beautiful....when two joins into one. You join your true nature through another. But the thing is - as long as this relies on someone other than you - .....the ache will resurface when the other "is gone".
If you strike a chord with this post?
Louis.....you just stroke all the chords of this "piano".
But read your post again....you, yourself, supply all the answers. The prize of not accepting the ache is loss of presence. And loss of presence is what engendered the ache in the first place. Also - implicit in presence is ALONENESS. But this is a full aloneness. You are not missing a thing when you are fully present.
Your HALT thing is great!
This is exactly how it is. Just remember that the purpose of HALT is not "to get rid of the ache". On the contrary - HALT makes you face it.
And through the ache - you meet yourself. The ache is within - and so are you. Behind it all....you shine. I don't mean this figuratively - it is a FACT. You are - after all - nowhere else but here. When fully here - within and without is the same.
Sometimes the ache is so painful....you can hardly stand it. I usually cry when this happens. I finally resist no more. I cry....both silently and visibly. The pain of the so called loss of yourself is so deep. But diving through these layers.....not resisting them, and not labelling them too much ....will reveal something so beautiful...there are no words for it. Don't make it into a relationship - relate to it instead. It cannot be framed - but you can - permanently - relate to it.
So....whatever happens....just stay with yourself.
Follow your own advise
Thanks for such an inspiring post
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clk1710
92 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 9:31:16 PM
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| i'm glued to this thread. it's like you all read my mind as to what i needed to hear. thank you for sharing about something that few people can really relate to on this level. i'm very grateful to have this community. God bless everyone! |
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NagoyaSea
424 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2007 : 01:19:04 AM
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Michael, thank you for sharing what you're going through now after the loss of your beloved. May you find healing, peace and comfort here and through the continuation of your practices.
light, life and love,
Kathy |
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sadhak
India
604 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2007 : 02:20:09 AM
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| Thanks Kathy for putting that in for Micheal. Yes, Micheal, you are alone, and never are. Paradox. If you tune into one of the ayp group meditations, you may feel the oneness, and your beautiful solitude too. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2007 : 05:48:54 AM
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Thanks for all the beautiful responses.
I was with Amma the Hugging Mother yesterday and wiil be there all day today, so will respond later
Is there any need for this post? -- I dunno, maybe its born of expectations and lonely aches - will I delete it? -- mmmhhh no, this is me being human |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Nov 18 2007 : 6:03:04 PM
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I recently spent a day and a half in the presence of Amma the hugging Mother.
I queued up for a hug and on the last half hour did the AYP evening meditation. The ache in my heart was very much with me, and I wondered if the hug from Amma would somehow fill the void and get rid of the pain.
During the hug Amma took my head and placed it on her shoulder and chanted something into my ear, rocked back and forth and did what felt like pumping the chant into me.
Nothing much appeared to be happening in my body.
Then suddenly she pushed me out in front of her, startled I opened my eyes to see her looking straight into them. We both spontaneously broke into laughter.
It felt like my head exploded with joy, I walked away from the hug slightly dazed but with a big grin on my face, I couldn’t stop grinning. I sat down to meditate and let it sink in and still couldn’t stop grinning.
Funnily the ache in my heart was still there.
Later I was sitting back in the room looking at the people moving around, socialising and meditating etc. It dawned on me that this ache was in everyone here, and that is actually why we were all there.
People were generally very happy there, the energy was very light and loving. The joy I was feeling was immense and yet I still held the ache in my heart.
The lesson seemed to be that it is possible to be full of joy whilst at the same time have the ache of loneliness.
The day after the event I was sitting in a café in a shopping centre, looking at the people go by.
I began to see their ache of loneliness behind all the facades of busyness, fashion, joke telling, shopping etc etc. They were all getting on with their busy lives and not paying much attention to anyone else around.
It sort of hit me then that if all these people became aware of this loneliness, we wouldn’t be scurrying around like this, we might instead, all huddle around and love each other to bits. Tears were actually running down my face at that point, which is not like me at all, that Amma has a lot to answer for
Although I was feeling this I was still full of joy and when I walked it felt like my joints were full of liquid love oil.
Verses from one of Thich Nhat Hanh’s poems came to mind.
My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all
walks of life.
My pain is like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion.
Full poem: http://www.quietspaces.com/poemHanh.html
Is it necessary then to feel the ache, is it ever possible to get rid of it as long as there is suffering in the world, not just our own but everbody elses also?
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Edited by - Sparkle on Nov 18 2007 6:06:23 PM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2007 : 02:27:10 AM
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Thanks for a lovely post on your Amma meeting, Louis!
My eyes found this video clip from Adayshanti on my computer screen this morning. Seems to be the theme of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZXGayXKx5s
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Edited by - emc on Nov 19 2007 02:27:43 AM |
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Eddie33
USA
120 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2007 : 05:22:50 AM
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i am so lonely i am so lonely i have nobody to caaaall my owwwwwwwnnn
dive in too you lonliness!! |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4380 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2007 : 07:04:52 AM
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Hi Sparkle,
quote:
During the hug Amma took my head and placed it on her shoulder and chanted something into my ear, rocked back and forth and did what felt like pumping the chant into me.
Nothing much appeared to be happening in my body.
Then suddenly she pushed me out in front of her, startled I opened my eyes to see her looking straight into them. We both spontaneously broke into laughter.
It felt like my head exploded with joy, I walked away from the hug slightly dazed but with a big grin on my face, I couldn’t stop grinning. I sat down to meditate and let it sink in and still couldn’t stop grinning.
Funnily the ache in my heart was still there.
So glad to hear you met Amma. Isn't she great.
I was having darshan from her one time in India a few years ago. When the person next to me in the queue was recieving darshan I heard Amma whisper some words into her ear, and she started the rocking back and forward thing. The I saw an intense blue light come out of Ammas forehead and enter the head of the lady she was hugging. It was like a spiralling hollow lazer beam, and it looked very beautiful. It only lasted a few seconds.
She is a very amazing lady, and we are so blessed to have her on the earth with us at this time.
Christi
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2007 : 10:50:19 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by emc
That loneliness is enormous sometimes. The pendulum swinging between separation and oneness is increasing the swings...
The increasing swing of the pendulum, as you (very well) describe it, is a function of increasing silence. Silence increases the amplitude of everything, including the ache, including the loneliness, including the doubt, including the bliss, including all the huge range of subconscious impulses (if I were to speculate as to why...well, it makes sense that if you remove lots of noise, distraction, and the tenacious pushings/pullings of the mind, all other signals, impressions, and drives will come through much more strongly...including the errant push/pull, which amplifies vastly since there's lots more mental space to echo around in, and more available energy to vitalize it...the sort of energy that comes from practice or from Amma hugs).
As you start to notice this process, it feels like something's "happening"....you're bouncing around - no, your analogy is better, like a swinging pendulum. The swings keep widening. But it's actually all just a matter of perspective...silence changes your perspective. Bearing this in mind is absolutely essential, because it enables you to witness this process and not get too caught or fraught. If you don't maintain that detachment, then the amplified push/pulls can get very grabby indeed. This process would be maddening if the silence itself that's causing this intensification wasn't also helping you to witness it all more and more peacefully.
So, to sum up: as, via meditation, we pull back our identification with it all (by virtue of silent witness), it (surprisingly) doesn't all fade; it just strengthens and strengthens, but as it gets bigger/brighter/louder it also grows more transparent. So the ache will grow to a point you'd previously have deemed excruciating, but you'll be less and less personally excruciated by it. It will be less Personal. It will just Be.
Same for the loneliness, etc. There'll be infinitely more of it, but it will be less personal. It will just Be. (actually, it's always Just Been, but you're noticing it more keenly, thanks to Silence). |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Nov 19 2007 11:17:13 AM |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2007 : 11:01:35 AM
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Just as a PS, this amplification works both ways. Not just in the way things register internally to you, but also in the way things register to others "out there". I've grown extraordinarily patient, thanks to AYP. Sitting in a traffic jam is as good as anything else. I rarely feel that inane human compulsion to "hurry up and get on to the next thing". But if I'm at a cash register counter in a store, and have even the tiniest slip of a germ of a whiff of a shadow of impatience about getting my change, even if it's strictly subconsious (as such germs of whiffs of shadows inevitably are...it's old habit/conditioning - i.e. samskara - quietly puttering along), I find that the cashier will get phenomenally uptight. I've seen hands actually shake. Throats clear nervously, apologies are made for the delay. I've nearly been brought to tears, trying to insist that REALLY, I'm in no hurry at all!! Why brought to tears? I feel their anxiety more keenly, too. It all amplifies, going in and coming out. It's inevitable with increasing silence.
There a thousand other examples of how silence functions as an amplifier. It's good to know about this so the world doesn't seem to have gone all crazy when it happens. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Nov 19 2007 11:12:31 AM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 02:42:51 AM
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quote:
This process would be maddening if the silence itself that's causing this intensification wasn't also helping you to witness it all more and more peacefully.
So true, thank you for that!!! |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 12:11:04 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by mikkiji
I have, for the first time in decades, been facing what appears to be loneliness. I recognize it, it is familiar, from the time before my soul-mate and I discovered the true depth of our love. We traveled our path together for 35 years, and since she passed away 6 months ago, I have felt an overwhelming aloneness, the utter solitary ache of separation. I am attempting to discover the true nature of this loss, this pain, this separation, because I have spent the past many years in peace and joy, fulfillment and unity. Was that only an illusion? Could such profound oneness and perfect internal silence be identified with only my other half, and gone with her? None of this makes very much sense--but then again, maybe there is no sense to be made of it--perhaps it only takes acceptance of the changes and learning to once again live totally in the present moment without expectation or anticipation. Perhaps the lesson for me is that my attachment to and identification with my wife was also an illusion--or maybe it's that she is neither here, nor gone from here, and she never was and always will be--she is yet me, and with me, and in me, and I am yet with her--perhaps the oneness which I always felt is neither gained nor lost, but merely signified or represented by the unity she and I shared for so long--we were no longer two, but one--we gained that experience through the devotion we practiced and the love we shared. Our search for god, for Self, and for love all ended up being the same thing--love, god and self became one, and the path was devotion to one another. Now I have lost her (or have I?), but in any case--I feel very alone. Maybe I've always been this alone. Which is the illusion--the oneness of our decades together, or the loneliness of this loss? And I thought I was well past all these questions and uncertainties! Doors open, doors close--Everything is just as it is...
Michael
Michael, I just wanted to say that I found your posting unbelievably beautiful and inspiring. Many people manage to notice that everything that happens happens in just the right way and at just the right time to show us exactly what we need to learn. Where our blocks are, where our assumptions tenaciously (and delusionaly) grip, etc. But it's especially hard to keep that perspective when the lessons get especially traumatic (though, paradoxically, those are the deepest learning opportunities). It feels at these times like the universe will stop at absolutely nothing to get our attention! It's only when the car makes horrendous jags to the left or right that we realize we have no control over the car, and never did, clutch though we might at the steering wheel. Most people recoil from that insight, but you've faced it bravely and pulled out the essential truth: that the only thing that is real and enduring is the love you felt and still feel. The suffering stems from a lifelong misconception of It All. The love endures and can never be diminished. Loss is illusion because while the details constantly shift around (wrenching those who attach to them), the love we experience through any given temporal thing is but a tiny fragment of the general fabric of timeless Everything, which is always available to us if we'll just open to it. In fact, it's what we are. As the commercial said, "You're soaking in it!"
You're doing a beautiful job of letting this horrendous left turn reveal some truths which previous circumstances and comforts shielded you from. And the news is all good. What your dear wife was for you is more, not less. Your previous investment and identification in that specific manifestation (which is the root of all suffering) was less, not more. You're starting to see this, after the storm has ripped open the side of your house. Can you find the same truth in the small things? In the minor deviations between your steering and the car's actual navigation? Can you just drop the wheel and fall back into a trusting futility, knowing it's all unthinkably beautiful...it's all the love you once personified as your wife? |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Nov 20 2007 4:01:55 PM |
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Eitherway
USA
100 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 1:18:14 PM
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Hi Jim and K,
Not to take away from the beautiful reflection on Michael's heart wrenchingingly poignant post, I did have a question that I've been meaning to ask you. You have mentioned the wheel/car analogy a few times and I'm wondering if you mean that we literally do not have any control whatsoever.
Is our control a complete illusion? I always thought that the truth was somewhere in the middle, meaning certain situations we have no control over whereas other situations depends variably on our input and action. I always imagined our every action creates a new reality with several possible outcomes that can also be tempered by fate. Please clarify if you can. thanks
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 3:29:53 PM
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Beautiful post, Jim!
Eitherway, the post was adressed to Jim, but I jump in here anyway because your post triggered a response here...
The mind is ruled by patterns and conditioning. It has no control whatsoever over what those patterns will bring you to experience. Patterns work according to the "program", your predisposed plan of what to encounter in this life to evolve as consciousness. The mind interprets events as if it "did things" - but afterwards! You don't choose to get annoyed with someone, do you? It just happens quickly and spontaneosly, according to your patterns. Thoughts pop up, emotions arise. It is not your choice from the start. It is not your choice when to fall out of a beautiful moment of stillness - patterns intrude and bring you out of the deep state. And you have not chosen to go deep into stillness either - the altered state of consciousness happens. Stillness is there all the time, and you happen to dive into it when life finds it suitable. Not your choice. It is calling all the time, but how often do you listen to the call?
The only choice you have is to stay aware of Truth or not in any given moment. When patterns set in, emotions come and thoughts disturb, your choice is to stay as the witness or "buy the story" and dive into the "sleep state" again - the conditioned state of the mind. That's really the only choice we have. Doing practices is one of those conscious choices, triggered by bhakti. But what's really baking the noodles is: who is making that choice?! 
On the subject of loneliness; life is showing me in the most beautiful way how my feelings of loneliness are manifesting themselves in life. I project my longing toward several persons, bringing lots of imagination of a future relationship, seeing potential partners in a lot of people. At the same time I reject with some discomfort those persons who project their longing on me in exactly the same way. The game of projections is suddenly very clear to me. My resentment of those "clinging" onto me is only stemming from my own negative feelings towards my own wanting/needing of someone else to fulfill my life. It's resistance there. Resistance to utter vulnerability. When this was realized, my resentment was immediately turned to the greatest gratefulness toward those clinging to me - they show me in a beautiful way what's going on. I am ever thankful.
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Edited by - emc on Nov 20 2007 3:39:22 PM |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 3:41:29 PM
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You ask if individual control is a complete illusion and the answer is that the notion of individuals is a complete illusion. The notion that my bag of skin is in any meaningful way a point of boundary from everything else in the universe - is ludicrous in the first place. The whole ball of wax is conscious. "I" am just a transient wave in that ocean
But that's not the point of the metaphor, anyway. The toddler-with-steering-wheel metaphor is useful for feeling how it is rather than for "figuring out" how it is. It's not an attempt to describe and explain the universe. It's just a helpful way to open. The mind wants to figure it all out. It can't. Ever. The truth is beyond mind. You can't think your way there.
The image of the toddler gripping that toy steering wheel resonates with some people and helps them feel (not think....feel) their way toward letting go. Letting Go. Surrender. Another resonant image I like (this one's not original, though) is the analogy of standing in the aisle on a rushing train, clutching 40 extremely heavy suitcases, sweating, exhausted, eyes bugging out, but terrified to release the bags because they might be left behind. It's folly, because the train will bear it...in fact, the train IS bearing it, regardless of your perspective on it all! This, for me, really opens up a non-intellectual instinctual glimmering of why we suffer. It feels right. My head tries to own the insight, but, for me, at least, the resonance is beyond mind. And as I open in reaction to it, God feeds me a little yum yum. Poof, I'm a little happier and more relaxed and there's a bit of ecstasy. It's nice we've been hardwired with this automatic reaction to opening, so we know what sorts of actions to favor. This little tilt of built-in gravity is what will, in a few millennia, eventually, gradually, inexorably lead everyone to the truth. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Nov 20 2007 3:49:27 PM |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 4:04:15 PM
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We've got this love and don't know what to do with it. We think it comes from (and is directed toward) certain special things. But, no, the love just Is. All things - and no things - are "It". Everything's it.
We needn't pin this particular tail on a donkey (for non-americans, that's a vernacular way of saying you don't need to find a place to affix it). Any target would do, if we must affix it somewhere. But better to just let it Be and to bathe in it 24/7. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Nov 20 2007 4:06:13 PM |
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Eitherway
USA
100 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 6:34:03 PM
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THanks for the replies, jim and emc,
I guess the realization of the fact that there is no doer is the crossover from our nomal identification to the truth. No mental gymnastics will be enough, eternal thanks to yogani for this great system. I can't imagine how lost and confused this wave would be if yogani and all that came before (plus all the sages in training) weren't there to light the way.
Sincere love to all, eitherway |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2007 : 07:31:22 AM
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Hi everyone
I am writing this with a few jumbled ideas and insights that in themselves make sense. I am hoping that in writing it down the various strands will come together in some way.
This thread is helping me hugely, it is constantly on my mind to help me understand the nature of this loneliness and how it has impacted my life and how it is impacting it now.
Having loneliness is commonplace, everybody has it at some stage whether they are engaged in formal spiritual practice or not.
It is in the understanding of it and how it impacts our lives, how it can turn to depression, to power games, to seeking status, to seeking a partner, to seeking, seeking, seeking, that can change everything – the understanding.
Through life circumstances and extensive spiritual practice in my twenties, I was plummeted into deep depression as a result of loneliness.
With no self pacing and no understanding of this loneliness, I was at the mercy of the Gods.
At the age of twenty eight I had an awakening which burst me out of the confines of my logical mind into something much bigger. I could look back and see the bubble of logic I had been trapped in, and how it had kept me in that revolving cycle of pain.
I had called out to God on the brink of physical death, not knowing anything anymore, not knowing if there was God. In the final desperation and call, I was filled with an incredible light and I knew that all the pain was over, I knew I would never be depressed like that again. I was reborn, and God had saved me.
I felt I could be subject to any hardship and it would be ok, I was able to speak of love to people in helpful ways. I felt sort of invincible to the hardships of the world. Life was now good.
Looking back now, with this present understanding of loneliness, I see that, although I came through this life threatening situation by the sheer grace of God, I was still, in fact lonely.
I am only realising the impact of this now. It is true that the loneliness had diminished to a very manageable level. Somehow, by the grace of God, I had broken out of the confines of the ideas game, where the loneliness had to be understood with logic.
At the age of about thirty, I decided I was going to either get a wife or become a monk. What made up my mind was, in fact the loneliness I felt.
I see now that I was in denial about the loneliness because of the awakening experience I had. I see now it is exactly the same loneliness I have now.
I see how much I have been involved with extending my mind out to other potential partners to try and fill this hollow and that this is quite natural and, in fact it’s ok. Its not something to beat myself up about.
In fact if we meet someone on the same wavelength it can help open the heart. The challenge then is to deal with the identification and attachment to that person.
Understanding that this loneliness is a gift carrying us to God or our true selves, is helpful in seeing the true nature of the identifications and attachments, our ideas and stories about that person.
Recently I had an experience of meeting someone in the “either”, not sure how to explain it other than their presence was felt very strongly.
In that meeting I experienced the oneness and also the separateness, the separateness was the personality and bodily presence in some form I don’t understand. The oneness was vast and beautiful, it was not centred anywhere, not in the heart. It did not feel like any feeling of love that I have felt.
The idea of community was coming in. The notion of a community relating in this way seems magical to me. I can see how Thich Nhat Hanh would have the vision of the next Buddha being in the form of a community, instead of an individual.
It is my understanding then Katrine, that we are not alone. We can be in a community that understands aloneness. We can understand the the grabby/indentification /attachment nature in us that comes out of aloneness, whilst at the same time using the gift of that loneliness to come into the present moment and experience that fullness you describe, that fullness with other people.
I think the AYP community has the potential to be centred in this kind of relationship.
The practices that Yogani has given us are powerful and effective and have a great joining effect between people, deep gratitude again Yogani.
And deep gratitude to emc, bewell, clk1710, Michael, Sadhak, Katrine. NagoyaSea. Eddie33, Jim, Christi, Eitherway and all the other contributors in the community.
Louis
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Ache of Loneliness
