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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 09:00:04 AM
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Hi All
I lifted myself into a threatening disc prolaps (5th lumbal vertebrae) at work some days ago. I am on sick leave for two weeks. I have strained my body too hard. There is a battle going on inside....that goes as follows (this is all coming out in a flow....sorry if it is not very structured or clear):
If I don't occupy myself,
everything is so obvious.
I understand immediately.
And yet,
the Hum......
It takes......courage to stay with it
I can barely tolerate it.....it is so crushing
The immensity......the vibration of it.....almost intolerable
I can understand why I run from it
It is so hungry!
All is eaten by it,
and still.....it is ever hungry.
The temptation "to do" is great
Anything - but staying with this All !
This ROAR!
Yet - since it is wherever I am....there is no point in moving.
There is no escape from it.
Winding the restlessness
is.....fear
So......I still identify with the body
I have used the body to run from it
I see.....
Yet - I see myself writing
I see myself hearing the hum
I see myself wanting to run
I see myself not thinking
I see everything......except the seeing itself
Oh........
So.....it is not I that see!
It is seeing!
The Hum....is the sound....of seeing.
I thought I wanted it......but I have fooled myself. I don't want it. It will anihilate me!
I simply can't have it both ways, can I ? I cannot both be "in the picture" (Jim, remember this?) and at the same time be what makes the picture possible. The first is impossible, the second is the only true identity.
But I already know this! Why all this resistance....now....that I am so close to myself?
Well, Katrine. "Nære skyter ingen skjære" - as we say in Norwegian (meaning something like "Almost (close) will not shoot the Magpie). Usually....this situation means that seeing myself as I am implies steps that I fear taking. Oh......no....it is the other way around.....it is the "not taking a step" that I fear the most. Seeing myself as I am....means....just to be. Writing this, it becomes obvious that I can't just do the job I am doing. There is so much to give, and so few receivers in that job. And too much strain on the body. It pulls me down. To be able to tolerate myself as the hum.....I must give all of me away. There must be a larger outlet for the roar. In times like these, I always used to ask myself "where am i most needed"? The longing to be of use was so strong. But now....I know the answer to that question before asking. I am always most needed right where I am. No exceptions. Of course - in order to be here, I must first refrain from running. Then going somewhere might actually happen.
There is my family to think of. I cannot not earn money to live on. And so far, the greatest outlets for the roar (as this forum), does not pay in dollars  (although in a thousand other ways  ). So....i am at a cross road again. The hard part is to refrain from choosing. To not do anything until promted from inside (which usually coincides with something coming up from the "outside")
So......here I am.
Thanks for hearing me out
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Christi
United Kingdom
4381 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 09:17:46 AM
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Hi Katrine,
Sorry to hear about your back problems. I hope you get well soon.
Ever thought about teaching Yoga? (I just chanelled that ).
Love and Light,
Christi |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 10:04:28 AM
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Thanks Christi
See...the thing is....I know nothing about Yoga. I cannot teach something i don't know. |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 10:18:18 AM
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| Katrine - I'm sorry to hear of your injury. I hope you heal soon and well. Best wishes to you. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 10:38:57 AM
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| Thanks, Meg |
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 11:13:20 AM
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Love you Katrine
I feel for you, I wish I could help you in this everything, this moment of pain.
In this life you will always be Katrine to those who love you.
God bless you Katrine
~Alan |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 11:25:13 AM
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Thanks, Alan
quote:
In this life you will always be Katrine to those who love you
There is something about this sentence........
No......I don't see it.
What do you mean, Alan? |
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 11:39:15 AM
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Hi Katrine
I thought you had expressed a fear of being annihilated. I guess I thought you were afraid of not being the experience as a separate entity named Katrine, and afraid of not being there in that old capacity as a person to provide for your family. I thought you were afraid of letting go and completely merging with the Self. I guess what I was trying to say in that sentence was that you will still exist as Katrine to your loved ones even if Katrine is no longer there for Katrine. Of course it is very possible that I made something out of what you wrote that has nothing to do with what you are trying to convey. It is entirely possible that my line of thinking is complete nonsense in regard to your experience and I have altogether missed what you were trying to say. Forgive my assumptions and please set me straight the meaning of your message.
Alan |
Edited by - Balance on Apr 12 2007 11:47:43 AM |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4381 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 11:49:52 AM
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Hi Katrine,
quote:
Thanks Christi
See...the thing is....I know nothing about Yoga. I cannot teach something i don't know.
Well... you have certainly taught me a great deal about Yoga, and I learn more from every post you write. I am sure there are many others who would benefit from what flows through you, or pours out of you?, or is and has always been you?.... (I obviously wasn't paying atention in your last Yoga class)
There are plenty of Yoga teachers who think they know something... maybe we need more Yoga teachers who know that they know nothing at all.
Christi |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 12:23:05 PM
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quote:
I thought you had expressed a fear of being annihilated. I guess I thought you were afraid of not being the experience as a separate entity named Katrine, and afraid of not being there in that old capacity as a person to provide for your family. I thought you were afraid of letting go and completely merging with the Self.
Alan.....you're a Pearl !
You cleared that one up for me.
You are right on (I can be so.....incredibly.....blind) - the fear is of "not being there in that old capacity as a person to provide for your family".
I have actually thought (harboured the idea) that merging with my Self will mean that I will cease to take care of my family. So.....this means I have had two opposing desires. 1: Taking care of my family first (the doing) and 2. then merging with my Self (the being). But now....i cannot compromise anymore. They are not 2. They are one and the same. The one to be true to, is the Self. The Self is also the family.
quote:
I guess what I was trying to say in that sentence was that you will still exist as Katrine to your loved ones even if Katrine is no longer there for Katrine
See....this is where i clicked. You see, still existing as Katrine to my loved ones is no comfort to me. On the contrary - it is suffocating. Katrine, no longer being there for Katrine, is a huge relief - I don't need my loved ones to reinforce what I am not. I have needed it up until now - in order to see all that i am not (which is one giant heep, I tell you) - but not anymore.
Alan - I am immensley grateful to you for helping me see this. Thanks a million! |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 12:38:47 PM
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quote:
Well... you have certainly taught me a great deal about Yoga, and I learn more from every post you write. I am sure there are many others who would benefit from what flows through you, or pours out of you?, or is and has always been you?.... (I obviously wasn't paying atention in your last Yoga class)
Christi.....thank you! I am glad to hear it! I guess I still think of Yoga as a philosophy - forgetting that, in essence, yoga is who we are: Everlasting union. The name of this doesn't matter much, does it? Be it Yoga, Tao, Zen....the essence is the same, is it not?
quote:
There are plenty of Yoga teachers who think they know something... maybe we need more Yoga teachers who know that they know nothing at all.
Hmmm.........................
In that case......it is crucial that I find the outlet (or....that the outlet finds me).....if I can't continously empty myself....I'll be blown to pieces very soon
You have such trust in my ability to be, Christi. Thanks for that - and everything else.
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 12:49:56 PM
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A pearl. That's nice, I like that!
Being Katrine to your family is only their comfort. They will relate to you in the capacity that they are capable of. It is provided for them, it is not meant to reinforce any falsity for you.
Haven't I heard someone say just be who you are? You are Love Itself, there is nothing less, nothing more.
Love you sister |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 12:56:01 PM
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quote:
Haven't I heard someone say just be who you are
Yes, Alan.
It is easy to preach, isn't it? 
This is the crossing........to integrate, to walk the talk.
Thanks again |
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 1:00:51 PM
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| Please don't stop preaching Katrine. We all do it. Your words are valuable to your friends here. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 1:05:08 PM
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Hi Katrine
Hope your back gets better soon.
It struck me that there is a book in all the stuff you have written about your journey since you joined this forum. I can tell you I have often printed your pieces so I can reread them at my leisure.
I know I have said this before, that you do have a gift for expressing beautifully what you are experiencing and I think your journey would be of great interest to many.
The next step of course is the "world tour" ha ha!. Can I make the first reservation in Dublin. The world needs you to speak to them
Love into silence
Louis
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NagoyaSea
424 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 1:15:09 PM
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Hi Katrine. I hope your back will get well from the two week rest. Louis said exactly what I was going to say in his post... Your poetry, your writing, has a soft and quiet beauty and is inspirational. Have you never considered using your writing skills somehow? Yes there is a book to be written by you and also a book of poetry to be compiled...
but for the day to day living, you might consider proof reading to get your foot in the door somewhere and then editing and then you are exposed to more possibilities... my sister free-lanced for years using her writing skills to write materials for companies, do technical editing, edit for magazines, etc... just a thought and one more thing... some bloggers get paid for their thoughts. I have no idea how that works but in your resting time you might research and consider.
be well,
Kathy |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 1:44:47 PM
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Thanks, Sparkle
Dublin it is then
Writing a book is not the same as communicating in this forum. This forum is live. I can't write a word if I didn't have you guys to inspire the writing.
A live book, then?
Surely that is possible.....
Oh!
So this I do already! This is what i do here already....you said it, Louis.....there is a book here already. (You made it so....by printing it  ).
I need time for this.
How to be able to open up a larger space in my daily life......for this. And not "die of hunger" in the process.
You know, Louis, with all your two cents I am rich already
Too bad I can't eat them 
Thank you! |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 2:04:06 PM
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Thanks, NagoyaSea
quote:
Have you never considered using your writing skills somehow
I have considered it....some years back. But it felt wrong.... and I didn't know how to. Sort of like "using sex". That too feels wrong (and don't get me wrong - i am a highly sexual being). But to use it for my own benefit.....i can't manage it. It dries up, then.
The writing.....is sacred to me. I actually didn't know this until just now.......but this is how it is. It is sacred. I can't use it.
Jesus....why do I complicate things so?
The poetry....nagoya....thanks for letting it touch you. I do believe I could compile it soon. Some of it is here in the forum. Already compiled (Yogani - thank you  )
quote:
but for the day to day living, you might consider proof reading to get your foot in the door somewhere and then editing and then you are exposed to more possibilities
What is "proof reading"?
Oh....correction....control?
Yes. Norway is a small country.....it should be easy to do the research.
You know.....I did it once.....a collegue of mine translated a book by Dr. John Lee (on natural progesterone for women) - and he asked me to proof read it. I spot the mistakes very easily. So I did another one for him too. I actually got payed for it...if I remember correctly...
Thanks again, NagoyaSea
I'll rest and consider |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 2:06:37 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
And yet,
the Hum......
It takes......courage to stay with it
I can barely tolerate it.....it is so crushing
The immensity......the vibration of it.....almost intolerable
I can understand why I run from it
It is so hungry!
All is eaten by it,
and still.....it is ever hungry.
Hi Katrine,
The old adage "what we resist, persists" comes to mind here. Whenever I try to run away from something, it just gets bigger and louder until I throw myself in. Can you really be annihilated?
quote:
The temptation "to do" is great
Anything - but staying with this All !
Fear is incredibly motivating, isn't it? It always amazes me the amount of effort I will make out of fear. Makes me laugh!
quote:
Yet - since it is wherever I am....there is no point in moving.
There is no escape from it.
Sounds like you already know your own answer? See->
quote:
But I already know this! Why all this resistance....now....that I am so close to myself?[/purple]
Isn't that the whole process, we know, we forget, we remember again, but it doesn't take as long and we don't go as far away? This is how it is for me, I learn the same lessons over and over, the time in between needing to re-learn gets longer, the breaks away shorter until finally I am...
quote:
Writing this, it becomes obvious that I can't just do the job I am doing. There is so much to give, and so few receivers in that job. And too much strain on the body. It pulls me down. To be able to tolerate myself as the hum.....I must give all of me away. There must be a larger outlet for the roar. In times like these, I always used to ask myself "where am i most needed"? The longing to be of use was so strong. But now....I know the answer to that question before asking. I am always most needed right where I am. No exceptions. Of course - in order to be here, I must first refrain from running. Then going somewhere might actually happen.
I can identify with this, the need to express my inner desire to help, share and interact and try to contribute to the happiness and well-being of those around me is over-whelming at times. I need to express it, all this love and enthusiasm inside. Recently I have taken to going out more into the community around me, randomly, I need to involve myself, it's funny what comes my way randomly at times.
quote:
There is my family to think of. I cannot not earn money to live on. And so far, the greatest outlets for the roar (as this forum), does not pay in dollars (although in a thousand other ways ). So....i am at a cross road again. The hard part is to refrain from choosing. To not do anything until prompted from inside (which usually coincides with something coming up from the "outside")
I don't understand, why not choose from the heart? What does your heart say?
I hope you feel better soon, I never enjoy it when my L5 acts up!
Lot's of love to you!
A
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 2:18:24 PM
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Thanks, Anthem
I loved your post
Constantly meeting myself in the door, am I not?
quote:
I don't understand, why not choose from the heart? What does your heart say
To know this, I need to be this. I could always choose....but what good would it amount to? When i am in the heart, i already know. I don't have to choose, then. That is why being here comes first. So....you are right, Andrew. Screw the fear......... and dive in anyway!
Thank you!
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 3:10:02 PM
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quote:
But to use it for my own benefit.....i can't manage it. It dries up, then.
The writing.....is sacred to me. I actually didn't know this until just now.......but this is how it is. It is sacred. I can't use it.
Jesus....why do I complicate things so?
It just dawned on me (and this is so simple....so simple).....I complicate things....because I think I know better. I actually think I can conquer nature. Hence all the struggle. Jesus......I'm sorry.
Now....this makes all the difference. I can't use the writing. I just have to open up to the fact that the writing can use me. It has been the other way around all along. It is not I (the idea i have of myself) that am alive - it is Life itself.
This changes everything. I will rest now. And relax......and merge. |
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 3:16:42 PM
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Hi Katrine,
Wishing you a speedy recovery for your back.
I understand your fear... I sometimes come up against it in meditation when I begin merging. It can be terrifying.
I suppose it's about faith in a way. Faith that the Divine will care for us and ours as we spiral closer. Faith that all is well. Faith that all parts of us are part of the Divine's play.
Healing wishes to you:-)
Babaly |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 3:28:51 PM
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Thanks, Babaly
Yes......also the fear of harming the body (I have had lots of self-pacing rounds going on) if I let go all the way. But now it seems I harm it more by not allowing full merge.
We'll see
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VIL
USA
586 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 3:55:52 PM
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Hey, Katrine, I just saw this post. I hope you feel better soon:
VIL |
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NagoyaSea
424 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 5:52:54 PM
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Katrine, please consider one last thought. I understand that you can't 'use' the writing---it is a cherished gift, something divine in you. You also said that the writing uses you. That is right. What if you could reach many more people and touch their spirits if you DID publish what you wrote? Do you see that as a gift to all that is? It is you sharing your 'creation' on a larger scale.
Kathy |
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jillatay
USA
206 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2007 : 7:22:53 PM
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Just a few weeks ago I hurt my back when the first nice day came along and I went out to work in the flower beds. I was really messed up, worse than I had been in years and had to do many things to just endure the pain. On about the third day, while doing pranayama I felt this cool thing on the sore spot. It was spontaneous with no volition on my part, like tiny hands rubbing coolness onto the spot. It stayed with me most of the afternoon.
On the same day coincidentally I came across Yogani's post about the cool and warm energies in the spine.
Anyway, the good news is this CURED the pain. The injury still took time and I am still being careful not to re-hurt my back. However, the pain left for good and has not returned. It was grace pure and simple, a gift from beyond my ability to explain. I sincerely hope you receive this gift too and soon.
Jill |
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The message is the messenger
