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beetsmyth
USA
104 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 08 2016 : 4:43:31 PM
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I do a combo of loosely associated spinal breathing mixed in with tai chi and Taoism breathing practices, self inquiry, and other modalities off and on for about a decade now and have finally come across this inner narcisuss, which I'll get to in a second.
So I just finished a 50 retreat in India and came back a lot more conscious, a lot more aware and now I see it plain as day, its so obvious, there is this inner narcisuss, its a bit like a hole, perhaps a void or hole or something, I haven't yet really gone in depth with this but its been plain as day now for the last few days.
It's something that I have always intuitively known since I was a child that it is something within everyone that really is a root core of an aspect that ****s people up bad. People run from this and try to cover it up with drugs, work, relationships, and so forth. I've always known I would eventually come across this, but never exactly knew what "this" was exactly.
It wants to see the world burn for the sake of it, to trip a little kid when no ones looking, to flick everyone off, to hurt people just to watch their reactions and enjoy it. I've been realizing something's been off for the last year or so since these pessimistic remarks were creeping into my replies to everyone I know, and now I see the root.
It feels like if this can be resolved, that there is freedom and lightness and openness on the other side of it. Its like a self contraction, a self hatred that also hates everyone and its pretty scary and pretty massive and to be quite honest I don't think I've ever come across anything like this ever before and really don't know how to handle this. Its like all of me is enveloped by this ...whatever it is
I will say that intuitively I know I have to express and communicate this in a number of forums where I can get feedback, however I know no pills or therapists (advice from an ex) will be able to resolve tis. It's something that has to be dived into and faced some how and resolved somehow, not really sure how yet and I'm really looking forward to hearing from you guys on what's next with this.
Whatever it is, its clearly evident its ruined my life on one end, but on the other end forced me into the spiritual path to find answers...and now I am face to face with it |
Edited by - AYPforum on Mar 08 2016 6:17:04 PM |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2016 : 5:46:14 PM
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Hi Beetsmyth,
Thank You for sharing with honesty. It's so wonderful that you can recognize what has clouded the light. It'll take time to wash the clouds. Consistent spiritual practices will help with this. Remember to self pace if too much is coming up, more than your body mind can handle. Just being with whatever arises is the key.
When functioning in the world, choose to function from "Love". Even though it's very easy to follow our unconscious patterns, being conscious in all situation will benefit all. I know it's easier said than done. It's one step at a time, if you fall, pick right back up and try again. My experience is spiritual progress is in alignment in how we are in the world. Looking forward to your other posts.
Sunyata |
Edited by - sunyata on Mar 08 2016 5:57:16 PM |
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beetsmyth
USA
104 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2016 : 5:54:21 PM
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Thanks for the reply Sunyata, all duly noted and much gratitude for the words.
It took a lot to post this, to be honest. Also, its impossible to Love right now and to function from Love, because whatever this is, doesn't allow love.
'Being' with it resonates the most right now, and I have some cool links opened that talk about inner listening and sitting/being with this in a sort of inquiry type of way. About to jump into that and report back later tonight |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2016 : 6:03:27 PM
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It takes time,slowly and steadly. I'm still working on it. You didn't mention Deep Meditation. DM gives rise to silence and this helps with allowing everything/Being.
Spinal breathing dislodges the impurities. DM helps with being with them. |
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beetsmyth
USA
104 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2016 : 6:07:21 PM
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| yes, DM has been going this whole time as well, sometimes 2-3 hours straight, and retreat for 50 days was 7-9 hours a day broken up between meals/walks |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2016 : 6:13:51 PM
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| Is this AYP DM? I'm sure you know AYP DM is practiced twice a day for 20 mins. Retreat setting is an exception and this is not an AYP retreat I'm guessing. It's very important to self pace if things are uncomfortable. |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2016 : 6:17:04 PM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2016 : 06:48:38 AM
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quote:
Also, its impossible to Love right now and to function from Love, because whatever this is, doesn't allow love.
Be with "whatever that is" Beethsmyt, every time "whatever that is" is being seen he will become weaker and weaker. By practice two times a day for 20 minutes, gradually Love will show up more and more. Step by step Love will win from "whatever that is", all it takes is time and practice.
In fact it is Love which expresses itself in your sharing....
quote:
Whatever it is, its clearly evident its ruined my life on one end, but on the other end forced me into the spiritual path to find answers...and now I am face to face with it
You see? The battle has began...
Edit: Journaling can be a great tool  |
Edited by - Charliedog on Mar 09 2016 08:44:44 AM |
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So-Hi
USA
481 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2016 : 12:09:47 PM
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Ah you have encountered your inner reptile.
There is no easy way to deal with this and hitting it with a love bat could aggravate it even more. or worse yet temporarily subdue, restrain and sublimate it until the pressure grows and it does erupt unexpectedly.
When you discover what is irritating this self protective mechanism by being honest with yourself no matter how unflattering it may be it will subside. It is best to discover just what the issue is and deal with it whatever it may be. Be with it fully 100% do not flinch and do not look away.
If you can not love this part of you and respect it's wisdom and protective nature then you can not really love and respect anyone truly or anything truly, all else is just pretty words and fake sentiment.
Everyone has this part of themselves.
Everyone of us has this inner reptile. It does not like being disagreed with, It does not like being ignored, it does not like being lied to, it does not like being told what to do, its entire job is to make you aware of something and it does so by the power of dislike feelings of being uncomfortable, rage, anger, hatred.
If you ignore these alerts or sublimate them then you will get worry, fear, depression.
If a person ignores this protective mechanism it will take an inwards route it will become very troublesome and depression and other things will result.
The end result is you will either pay attention or it will continue to become worse and worse and eventually can become a self perpetuating chain reaction.
It is okay not to be able to stand this, it is usually what people mean when they say I am so cranky I can't even stand myself right now.
My advice function from where you find yourself and in this way to thine own self thou shalt always remain true, just take it easy with others.
When it comes to extreme purification practices people need to be careful because if they do too much too fast there are going to be things that make the Reptile speak forcefully.
Self Pacing can never be said enough.
Some like to dump on this part of ones self and call it EGO and it is but EGO has a good side too. Bhodi does a fine job of explaining this.
Look the inner reptile in the eye pay attention figure it out. Nothing more anyone can do than this. |
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Dogboy
USA
2198 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2016 : 1:18:12 PM
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quote:
I will say that intuitively I know I have to express and communicate this in a number of forums where I can get feedback, however I know no pills or therapists (advice from an ex) will be able to resolve tis. It's something that has to be dived into and faced some how and resolved somehow, not really sure how yet and I'm really looking forward to hearing from you guys on what's next with this.
Unless it is severe depression I agree, no pills, but if you have difficulty facing your Lizard as SoHi has deftly identified, I wouldn't rule out a good therapist to help in the excavation. Bathing in your irritation is a good place to start. |
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Beehive
USA
117 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2016 : 1:26:01 PM
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Hi Beetsmyth. Wishing you the best on walking with and through this. It really resonated with me when you said you couldn't function from love right now. When I am processing difficult emotion I can't either and wishing I could just fills me with more uncomfortable emotions. Or I guess I should say that's what used to happen. Something made me change my focus from the word love to focusing on "curiosity" and "attention". When I think of "love" my mind goes to the idea of powerful good feelings. Yet I realized that when I treat something/someone with love I pay attention to it, I don't interrupt, I'm interested and curious about it, and i'm usually slow to "judge" it. Anyway, changing that focus is what helps me "BE WITH" difficulty - and actually reduces the idea that it is difficult but rather just something to be curious about. And, just like everyone else said- somehow, with time and patience, "love" starts to show up instead.
Also, I always try to be careful to not slap a spiritual Happy Face on every experience. This is personal, but it's because I always want to make sure I'm getting closer to truth not just improving my ability change my mood. (not that the ability to improve one's mood isn't also helpful ) So that said, the experience you relayed immediately made me think you are receiving a gift you have been looking for. You do spiritual practice for a decade, go for a 50 day retreat.... and then this darkness. Seems like this is being presented to you because you are ready to work with it, like a gift you are ready to receive. |
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So-Hi
USA
481 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2016 : 2:24:41 PM
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WELL SAID!
quote:
Originally posted by Beehive
Hi Beetsmyth. Wishing you the best on walking with and through this. It really resonated with me when you said you couldn't function from love right now. When I am processing difficult emotion I can't either and wishing I could just fills me with more uncomfortable emotions. Or I guess I should say that's what used to happen. Something made me change my focus from the word love to focusing on "curiosity" and "attention". When I think of "love" my mind goes to the idea of powerful good feelings. Yet I realized that when I treat something/someone with love I pay attention to it, I don't interrupt, I'm interested and curious about it, and i'm usually slow to "judge" it. Anyway, changing that focus is what helps me "BE WITH" difficulty - and actually reduces the idea that it is difficult but rather just something to be curious about. And, just like everyone else said- somehow, with time and patience, "love" starts to show up instead.
Also, I always try to be careful to not slap a spiritual Happy Face on every experience. This is personal, but it's because I always want to make sure I'm getting closer to truth not just improving my ability change my mood. (not that the ability to improve one's mood isn't also helpful ) So that said, the experience you relayed immediately made me think you are receiving a gift you have been looking for. You do spiritual practice for a decade, go for a 50 day retreat.... and then this darkness. Seems like this is being presented to you because you are ready to work with it, like a gift you are ready to receive.
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Mar 10 2016 : 10:00:34 AM
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..the inner reptile???..
Excellent replies to this relevant topic. Thanks to everyone for taking time to respond. As Beehive advises, be curious. Pay attention, observe and get to know it. "Hitting the inner reptile with a love bat" is futilely trying to force a premature transformation. Discovering what it is and how to accept it will eventually yield positive results. Patience is essential.
The inner reptile can be prone to tantrums. However, one needs to be careful in the means of control. Generally it is wise to accept all parts of ourselves, especially the unattractive bits. But as So-Hi has cautioned, "just take it easy with others". In allowing whatever anger or pain is within, we need to be considerate with ourselves and others.
A balanced approach is recommended. Disowning, denying or ignoring the inner child, or inner reptile, prevents it from evolving in a healthy way. Unwisely indulging it can also have unpleasant consequences. No matter what approach one adopts, it will not be easy. Caution is advised in patiently learning how to channel one's wild or destructive impulses compassionately and responsibly.
love
parvati
Edited for clarity and cautionary advice |
Edited by - parvati9 on Mar 13 2016 04:00:26 AM |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Mar 10 2016 : 10:42:28 AM
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Hi beetsmyth,
I don't think you have express it in a number of forums. One is just fine. Two many opinions are not helpful.
In my experience, if you think that you resolve or sit through or integrate this one thing everything will be just right, not how it happens. If you are noticing this, it's good to follow through. You don't have to act from it or maybe you do. If you get bound to it, you'll notice it again. Just go slowly. |
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Need advice, inner self contraction/narcisuss?
