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Anthem
1608 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 29 2006 : 11:35:35 AM
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Hi Yogani,
I have been experiencing with increasing frequency lately a fairly intense urge to merge with (here comes a fairly useless description) that white oscillating energy and space that is there when you close your eyes (and in the background when your eyes are open). Just a strong desire to leap out of my body and join into it. Where the heck does this come from? I don't even fully understand what I want to merge with? What I have been experiencing lately too is an intense spike in ecstasy when I want this and then my motive changes to wanting more ecstasy and that becomes my motive to merge more so than the "purer" motive that was there initially, if that makes any sense?
What is this all about and where is it going, the mantra is still there when this urge happens but becomes secondary I think.
Your insight here would be appreciated and anyone else who has had similar experiences.
thanks,
A
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2006 : 2:59:16 PM
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Andrew
You wrote:
quote:
I have been experiencing with increasing frequency lately a fairly intense urge to merge with (here comes a fairly useless description) that white oscillating energy and space that is there when you close your eyes (and in the background when your eyes are open). Just a strong desire to leap out of my body and join into it. Where the heck does this come from? I don't even fully understand what I want to merge with? What I have been experiencing lately too is an intense spike in ecstasy when I want this and then my motive changes to wanting more ecstasy and that becomes my motive to merge more so than the "purer" motive that was there initially, if that makes any sense?
To me, this is Bakthi. You long to merge with your inner "lover" - and ultimately this merger is exactly the marriage between ecstatic conductivity and inner silence that Yogani speaks so beautifully of. The outcome is your "outpouring of devine love".
I totally resonate with what you describe. I experience this longing; this pull; all the time now. In the beginning it was more longing/urge - it has gradually been replaced/imbedded with the feeling of "being drunk with love". I am litterally "in love". And yes - the "wanting more" does increase the ecstacy. That is why self-pacing becomes more challenging after this - it feels incredibly good, doesn't it? I don't do anything to make this happen; it is not like I "picture my Ishta" or "think about merging" - it happens the instant I relax. (No matter what I am physically doing).
In the beginning it felt like I had to "leap out of my body" to merge. I don't at all feel this any longer. The merging happens inside. The merging is controlled by the ajna and originates in the spinal nerve.
I am so happy for you, Andrew 
Enjoy it, self-pace if you need to, (don't worry about "pure" or "not pure" motives), everything is happening exactly as it should. When you meditate - favor the mantra. If you do - the merging will spread to "outside meditation time."
FWIW: I don't know what I merge with either - other than that it is PEACE and LOVE and STRENGTH and TRUTH
May all your Nows be Here |
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yogani
USA
5195 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2006 : 5:05:41 PM
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Hi Anthem and Katrine:
Yes, I agree that it is bhakti -- the eternal love-magnetism that constantly draws us closer to our true nature. The interesting thing about this is that, in the end, the merging goes the opposite way we are seeking from our egoic sense, even though it is our egoic desire that has been stimulating the process from the beginning.
What I mean is that inner silence awakens (or, more correctly, we awaken as inner silence) and comes into our daily life, rather than we leaving daily life to go into inner silence, or however we regard that "great beyond." Our bhakti is not bringing us to It. Our bhakti is bringing It to us!
It might sound like semantics, but it is true. Another way to look at it is from our changing perspectives as we move from egoic point of view to inner witness point of view (just reviewed in Lesson 282). If we are becoming the witness, then where do we need to go? What do we need to merge with? From that inner perspective it is the witness that needs to do the merging back out into daily living, and will do so via the rise of ecstatic bliss (the ego helps with this too, as you say). Before we were seeing as the witness, we were wanting to go the other way, to something beyond our thoughts, feelings and this physical existence. Then it reverses. So it is a sort of two way trip. Going in to become inner silence, and then coming back out as inner silence on the wings of ecstatic bliss and divine love to become all that we see in the world. So it is ultimately a two way merging...
If we are looking at this from both sides -- outside looking in and inside looking out -- we may, in fact, feel like we are going in both directions at once. It can happen. The whole thing is a process that is playing out in the ongoing purification and opening of our nervous system -- the vehicle of our consciousness and sense of self. Our point of view is changing as we advance in practices and experiences, and this question of merging can come at us from different angles at different times, depending on which perspective we are looking from in the moment. The truth is that the whole thing is going on in one place, right where we are now, no matter which point of view we are looking at it from. This body is the temple, and right here and now is where it is happening. There is no place else to go. But, still, there some more traveling to do, yes?
Some traveling music, please... 
The guru is in you.
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2006 : 6:27:31 PM
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Thank you Katrine and Yogani for your perspectives on this, very helpful.
I never understood the definition and scope of bhakti this way before, very illuminating for me, it makes a lot of sense.
quote:
Enjoy it, self-pace if you need to, (don't worry about "pure" or "not pure" motives), everything is happening exactly as it should. When you meditate - favor the mantra. If you do - the merging will spread to "outside meditation time."
This is great advice Katrine thank you.It helps me relax...
quote:
Our point of view is changing as we advance in practices and experiences, and this question of merging can come at us from different angles at different times, depending on which perspective we are looking from in the moment.
I can identify with this, sometimes it feels like I want to jump out of my skin to merge and other times it looks like the "stuff" I want to merge with is the same stuff outside that is inside me. It feels on these occasions, like it comes into me rather than me going to it as you say. I have no sense of it going out into the world though or happening outside of practices, some things to look forward to.
I look forward to more traveling this is fun. Of course it's the tough days that make me appreciate the good ones!
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2006 : 11:15:17 PM
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quote:
It helps me relax...
This whole path could sort of be reduced to one incredibly banal word: relax.
What sort of relaxation? You may remember the childhood game of "trust", where you stand with your back to a friend and allow yourself to fall backwards into his arms.....if (and only if) you're able to let go and trust you'll be caught.
That's precisely the sort of relaxation I mean. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2006 : 12:36:19 AM
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I had an interesting experience yesterday morning that I wanted to share along the same lines of this topic. So I am going to attempt to describe the indescribable, so please bare with me.
First, it will be clearer if I mention that in general when I look around in daily life, I see a background space behind all objects. It appears like black space with white-light oscillating energy superimposed over it and it is there day or night no matter where I look. This might sound a little odd, but I know others who see this too, maybe it's a symptom of bad eyes, I don't know but it has developed a much greater depth and intensity to it over the last years of meditation. It is the same field that I see when I close my eyes and look inside as well. Hopefully people know what I'm talking about or maybe I should get my eyes checked?
Anyway, I woke up, was lying in bed and became aware that my mind was in a very quiet space, kind of resting in the awareness of this above mentioned field of silence/space. I find myself in this space more frequently in recent weeks, especially since I gave up trying to find fulfillment externally or internally (thanks to Katrine) and to just be. It started off as a feeling to be or merge with that field of space but then it was like looking and noticing that that "space" was me. It was almost like a feeling of falling, there was a jump in ecstasy throughout my body and when I looked to the ceiling the white oscillating energy seemed to jump out and dance in front of my eyes, it was really enjoyable.
I got the feeling of my internal world and my external world kind of becoming one for a brief instant and when I got up and walked over to a bag I had left lying on the floor, I had the most peculiar sense of myself in the intensity of it being there. I wasn't the bag, but the bag was me. I think I’ll try to explain this to some psychiatrist and see what happens!
I would encourage people to bring their awareness to their inner silence whenever they have the opportunity. It doesn’t seem like much at first, maybe boring, but keep doing it, being it and see if your perception of it expands over time.
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2006 : 01:25:42 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Anthem11
I had an interesting experience yesterday morning that I wanted to share along the same lines of this topic. So I am going to attempt to describe the indescribable, so please bare with me.
First, it will be clearer if I mention that in general when I look around in daily life, I see a background space behind all objects. It appears like black space with white-light oscillating energy superimposed over it and it is there day or night no matter where I look. This might sound a little odd, but I know others who see this too, maybe it's a symptom of bad eyes, I don't know but it has developed a much greater depth and intensity to it over the last years of meditation. It is the same field that I see when I close my eyes and look inside as well. Hopefully people know what I'm talking about or maybe I should get my eyes checked?
Anyway, I woke up, was lying in bed and became aware that my mind was in a very quiet space, kind of resting in the awareness of this above mentioned field of silence/space. I find myself in this space more frequently in recent weeks, especially since I gave up trying to find fulfillment externally or internally (thanks to Katrine) and to just be. It started off as a feeling to be or merge with that field of space but then it was like looking and noticing that that "space" was me. It was almost like a feeling of falling, there was a jump in ecstasy throughout my body and when I looked to the ceiling the white oscillating energy seemed to jump out and dance in front of my eyes, it was really enjoyable.
I got the feeling of my internal world and my external world kind of becoming one for a brief instant and when I got up and walked over to a bag I had left lying on the floor, I had the most peculiar sense of myself in the intensity of it being there. I wasn't the bag, but the bag was me. I think I’ll try to explain this to some psychiatrist and see what happens!
I would encourage people to bring their awareness to their inner silence whenever they have the opportunity. It doesn’t seem like much at first, maybe boring, but keep doing it, being it and see if your perception of it expands over time.
Hi Anthem,
First: Wow - cool! That's awesome!
That's BIG - as in: enlightenment milestone BIG!
I've experienced oneness in different ways than you describe - though have never had the exact experience you mention - though thanks to your post, I realize that I perceive the "background field" you mention - though in a very, very subtle way.
Your post motivates me to allow myself more silence - I've been shifting back toward a bit more energy practice, less silence - though I do try to keep them balanced.
You're in good company though --- and I *highly* recommend you read Emptiness Dancing by Adyashanti --- he covers every single aspect of what you related, with the exception of the visual specifics (and it's a 200+ page book - easy read, though - it's based on transcriptions of his live talks -- but he may even mention the visual aspects, and I'm just not remembering).
And again - congrats --- very cool - and thanks very much for sharing it with us!
Peace & Namaste,
Kirtanman
PS - I think you're joking, but I'd be ultra-selective regarding discussing this with a psychiatrist -- they have an annoying tendency to pathologize Reality that is beyond the scope of a very limited view of even the physical plane. (And not to say there aren't some "enlightened" ones out there; heck, Jung was a good start -- and I'm not "picking on" psychiatrists specifically - any career based on the Western scientific model has a majority of people fitting the above description -- and there are also wonderful exceptions to that statement in each related field - thankfully!)
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2006 : 7:20:44 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Anthem11
...with (here comes a fairly useless description) that white oscillating energy and space that is there when you close your eyes (and in the background when your eyes are open). Just a strong desire to leap...
Thanks Kirtanman, for pulling this archival footage back up.
And, thanks Anthem for that description. For my bhakti, it was, shall we say, fairly useful.
It remindes me of a variation of the fall/leap theme that started, for me, a couple of days ago when I dreamed I was shaping bread like I do at work, only it was on the edge of a precipice hundreds of feet over a (blue) body of water without a guard rail. At first, it was exhilarating, reaching for the dough on the edge. Then, in the dream, I started to feel I was about to fall, felt fear and vertigo, and pulled back.
As I reflected on the dream later, something else happened: I saw a sort of vision of light blue, lighter, more ethereal than the light blue of this message box. I "merged" with the blue energy, and it with me. And this morning, meditated with a steady feeling of weightlessly, blissfully "falling" in stillness.
With gratitude to all of you out there trusting enough to "relax." |
Edited by - bewell on Dec 14 2006 7:31:02 PM |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2006 : 11:51:47 PM
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Hi Bewell,
Your experience sounds great, thanks for sharing it. Jim's summary to relax hits home with me these days, relax every bit of your being: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, let it all go and life gets so much better!
Hi Kirtanman,
quote:
Your post motivates me to allow myself more silence - I've been shifting back toward a bit more energy practice, less silence - though I do try to keep them balanced.
I try to keep these in balance too. I think I am higher on the inner silence part of the equation these days (which I prefer) but I can't seem to increase my energy work by much at the moment without getting irritable or a little on the negative side, so I guess I am at my physical limit for now.
Lately I have been noticing that as little as an extra minute of either pranayama or meditation puts me a bit over in practices, so I try to be careful, I find it’s just not worth living a day in a negative frame of mind. So I self pace...
I definitely will read Adya's book, I have a few others to get through now but will put it on my list to read, thanks for the recommendation.
And yes, I was joking about the psychiatrists don't worry!
all the best,
A
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the urge to merge
