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Mats
Germany
43 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 23 2023 : 1:22:39 PM
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| In my envirnoment, consuming alcohol is a very central aspect of social gatherings. It is frowned upon abstaining from alcohol - if not openly, so clearly between the lines. One makes oneself a social outlaw. Do you have similar experiences and if so, what's your approach to deal with it? |
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Cato
Germany
225 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2024 : 09:13:12 AM
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| I think if one does not want to drink alcohol, one shouldn't do so. Regardless of social circumstances. |
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Mats
Germany
43 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2024 : 10:52:03 PM
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I am in a dilemma here. I think my low self esteem can be improved by increasing my time of social contacts and gatherings. Unfortunately, those social gatherings are mostly centered around drinking alcohol. I do not want to do that, making myself to be the odd one out and thus even worsening my low self esteem. Those (specific) social contacts are part of our family life and often important friends to my wife. We live in a new hood for some years now and every new person we get to know seems to be a huge fan of alcohol. 
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interpaul
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2024 : 03:55:31 AM
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| Mats, You raise an important, and challenging situation. Alcohol does seem to be a significant part of many social situations and is still culturally sanctioned. Having said that, my wife doesn't drink and still is the life of the party. We have some friends who are alcoholics who drink non alcoholic beers (and they bring their own beer to parties to minimize friction). If your friends and family are unable to tolerate you not imbibing that raises some red flags. It might be worth exploring this issue in greater detail. Do people force you to drink large amounts? Can you drink slower than others without them pressuring you? Do you enjoy drinking? Do you have a level of intoxication in which you behave poorly? What's your wife's perspective on this? Does drinking improve your self esteem? |
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Mats
Germany
43 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2024 : 5:46:06 PM
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Interpaul, these are good questions.
Yes, my self-esteem is improved by drinking alcohol. However, I do not want to drink it for several reasons, so I usually abstain. This makes me the odd one and it tears me apart. I do not want to drink alcohol in order to make myself popular. It just feels wrong. So I am really stuck here.
My wife would like me to drink occasionaly (like having a glass of wine together now and then) but is also fine with me not drinking at all. I have a level of acting poorly when drunk, but I haven't reached that level for 15 years or so. At gatherings, forcing of drinking is subtle. Drinking non-alcoholic is pointed out clearly to everybody. Your glass of wine is never empty but refilled immediately. Slow drinking is frowned upon so yes, there is some pressure involved. I might even enjoy drinking, but not in these circumstances. For me, it is a principle thing. It roots very deep. Might be I'd be drinking happily with those guys (now and then) if drinking wasn't such an issue at all. But again, I am stuck wigh my low self esteem and kind of an outsider. For me, it really is a problematic situation. |
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Dogboy
USA
2201 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2024 : 11:16:55 PM
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| In my humble opinion, if you're drinking because of outside influences, this is much worse than following your "North Star" and honoring your desires and needs, outside influences be damned. It may help to stick to some comfortable canned responses with a smile ("I have a good handle what benefits me." or "I am happy with my choice not to.") and have an intention and a determination not to be bullied or argue about it. You don't have to defend it to anyone but yourself, and always have the option to disengage from a conversation or situation altogether. This is not a self esteem issue unless you make it one. |
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Jonathas
Brazil
5 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2024 : 05:01:29 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Mats
I am in a dilemma here. I think my low self esteem can be improved by increasing my time of social contacts and gatherings. Unfortunately, those social gatherings are mostly centered around drinking alcohol. I do not want to do that, making myself to be the odd one out and thus even worsening my low self esteem. Those (specific) social contacts are part of our family life and often important friends to my wife. We live in a new hood for some years now and every new person we get to know seems to be a huge fan of alcohol.
I have struggled with an issue similar to yours, although I cannot say I am completely done with this question, I would like to offer my perspective:
You mention a dilemma because you think socializing more will help your selfesteem, but the pressure there exists for you to drink and you dont want to do that.
I think you should consider first of all that in regards to selfesteem, Alcohol turns very easily into a crutch. It is very easy to fall into the habit of needing alcohol to lessen your inhibitions, to numb yourself and therefore have more "selfesteem", socialize easier, etc.
I dont want to demonize a little social drinking like it is the end of the world, but in the longterm I feel like learning to socialize without relying on that will give you much more firm and stable selfesteem. This is what I hope for myself.
And in regards to people pressuring you to drink... It is a pity that the people around you are in this habit, if you could have people around you that accept your choice it would be better. But if you cant move away from those people and you have to interact with them, I think that if you are willing to go beyond the friction a little, as in, work through this pressure they want to put on you, things will eventually smooth out for you. You might be the "odd" one, but if you think about this as a long term project, this will help you build your desired selfesteem: learning to go out, socialize, be among the people and still act in the way that YOU think is best...
Why dont you learn to be the odd one out, if that is what you want? Learn that and learn to enjoy that, regardless of what others think, this will give you the selfesteem that you want, not tied to anyones expectations about you, just based on your own actions :)
Ultimately I think you should consider what is more important to you, you can please those people to fit in, but possibly feel miserable in the process because you dont like your choice, or you can act the way you truly want and learn to enjoy that, although this might push away or upset a few of those people at first!
For me the best answer is clearly the second: you will find the people who accept your choice and you will learn to accept yourself as well, even if that means being a bit of an "outcast" to the majority
The change will happen as it needs to be anyway, just ponder about this and I hope you can find a good balance between what you want and the external circumstances, this is what I chose, but you will find a good answer that works for your situation.  |
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Alcohol and social gatherings
