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spiritflwr
USA
5 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 03 2014 : 3:09:40 PM
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Hello Beloved traveling companions!
I wasn't sure where to post a little note of hello introduction and gratitude. I've been lurking for sometime, and have so enjoyed the sense of support I feel between all of you. I was looking for some reassurance about my own path and found it in so many ways through reading your shares and experiences. Thanks to Yogani for creating this forum and offering such a complete set of practices. Thanks to each of you who has shared so honestly.
I began practicing meditation and prayer 15 years ago, and the consistency has grown in time as I have come across different practices, which always seemed to appear at just the right time. Bhakti yoga is my true home and I am so thankful that one day a friend asked me if I had ever heard of Krishna Das. Up until that time I had never heard a word of sanskrit but my from my first Hari Krishna I felt at home. It took 5 years of sitting, singing and dropping into silence before I realized that I could sit all I wanted but if I wanted to pour forth the sweet silence that was enveloping me I would need to learn how to move. Asana was added, and I found a sweet resonance within with all things yogic 
I had been blessed by a physical healing in my mid twenties that opened me to the world of energy. I began to sense through my own being the way it moved and my practices just made that subtle world more available to my senses. All seemed good, I was facing the circumstances of my life with more ease than I had known through my childhood and teenage years.
I realize here that this post may become a novel... what to do. If you are along for the ride I hope it serves you well.
One morning three years ago I awoke with an intense burning sensation in the tip of my middle finger on my right hand. It zinged and burned to the point that I was sure something was terribly wrong. I was in the middle of yoga teacher training, had been going for acupuncture weekly and at this point moved through my day with an inner song of the divine names as my constant companion. Over the course of a few days that burning moved into my hands. My fear moved with it. I sat on the couch lamenting my distress to my husband at the time when that burning moved down the nerves of my arms (you know the one that ends at the funny bone) and simultaneously entered my feet. I had felt energy before, but this - this was much too physical for me to believe it wasn't some terrible disease moving through my body. I saw more doctors than you can imagine. Trips to the E.R. when it would hit my heart. For 4 or 5 months I laid on the couch. I quit all my practices, and just sat their in worry and distress as the burning moved cyclically through my system. Rashes would appear. I could feel spiders crawling beneath my skin. Nights were the worst and sleep was sparse.
Everything settled down I slowly began to teach and sing again. Over time the realization that it was never some terrible disease but just a progression of what had been occurring for years began to become acceptable to my mind. The amount of fear I let take hold astonished me.
My outer world entered a phase of chaos. My dear husband was not impressed by my experience. He began to put pressure on me to enter the world of work, work, work. But my system was still recovering, and any energy I could muster was used to care for my children. Our paths over the years had grown apart to the degree that I had to face the truth that the relationship was no longer serving anyone.
As I let go of my marriage an energy inside me became free and began expressing itself in my body. The final severing of the relationship came when the spontaneous shaking woke him up in the middle of the night. He tried to hold me down, and all I could say was that I was okay...and I wasn't afraid this time. It was more than he could handle, and our unraveling happened quickly and to my surprise very peacefully. Let go is a beautiful thing.
So over the last year the spontaneous movements continue. I had an experience shortly after they began that I can only describe as mystical and life changing. It has given me the reassurance that all is as it should be, and that we truly are connected to one another in way that is closer than close. I have been around the block many times with all that Shakti brings. Peace, bliss, ecstasy.... Painful emotional responses...depression, darkness. She is quite intense these days but seeing the experiences here I don't feel so alone. The way stillness likes to move is an amazing thing.
The recognition that my Bhakti has always been so strong and that self-pacing was never introduced leaves me sitting here today thinking the journey to this point could have been a little less intense if I had understood a bit more about what was happening and how to manage it. But I am here now, and peaceful about the way it has played out.
The main "challenge" I face is letting this inner perspective have it's say in my outer life. My comfort zone has always been the silence - not it's expression. I guess thats one reason I decided to write. If you made it this far thank you for letting me explore and reveal here. Feels like a very sacred Sunday indeed. I am integrating the AYP practices - Samyama is quite delightful. I feel so very supported by the material and this forum. I look forward to growing in connection with you all.
[img]icon_heart.gif[/img]
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1537 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2014 : 03:50:47 AM
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Welcome to the forums, Spiritflwr. Thank you for sharing. Your warmth and sincerity shine through
Sey |
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Dogboy
USA
2207 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2014 : 06:07:11 AM
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Welcome Spiritflwr 
It's interesting when physical symptoms manifest with no known cause or reason later become clear that the "spiritual self" must have made some adjustments. A few years ago I lost twelve pounds in a matter of weeks for no apparent reason; a physical and blood test found nothing. The weight loss stopped on its own and I have maintained the weight since then. Looking back I noticed it coincided with a lot of spiritual reading I was doing at the time. Perhaps my body adjusting to accommodate the "new me?"
You account is touching and beautifully written. Your voice and perspective will be a valuable addition! |
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spiritflwr
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2014 : 09:22:02 AM
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Thank you Sey & Dogboy for the warm welcome. I agree Dogboy hindsight is a gift. Perhaps should anything quite so intense occur in my world again I will move through it with a bit more Grace knowing what I know from past experience - but it is easy to lose the knowing when the consciousness gets pulled into the minds programming. I can see I have a useful resource here  Blessed day to you! |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2014 : 5:42:56 PM
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Dear spiritflwr,
Words cannot express how directly and truly your post speaks to me. I am very touched. It is very helpful. Thank you, and welcome.
So much has come to a head for me today. Mother Shakti has put a severe beating on my nervous system, with sensations and exhaustion, exactly as you’ve described. Mine have been more sudden, following a rather spontaneous crown opening in December of 2012. For the last several weeks, I have not been able to function well at work, with the result of a nearly total shutdown this morning. Like on Friday, my boss sent me home, concerned about my health. I have been trying to find calmer work for months, something that aligns with my values and person, but to no avail. The despair has grown to bitterness, which has poisoned me.
The energy has been ravaging my being, which has included a mass of unimportant and abstruse questions, concepts, and paradigms. My keenness and verbosity have made comprehending the experience inaccessible to most others, and I have grown quite solemn through that daily isolation. Still, I can share the better part of Her divine love in small ways, and it tends to happen automatically, without reservation, deception, or fear.
As of today, after calling some friends, various trips to many doctors and two emergency rooms over the last several weeks, and a recurring thought that I have a severe neurological disease (despite no detectable, physical problems), as well as a couple doctors’ recommending the institutionalized, drug-induced warmth of the psychiatric E.R. for me (like this afternoon), I am faced with letting go of my full-time job and one year apartment lease, which has been difficult to pay, causing slow indebtedness to the bank. My body is in full revolt against the noises of the world, and I had usually been validated in such expression, but I am finding myself clearly and drastically drawn to deep silence.
I do have many fears about my material stability and progress as a human being, but need rest so very badly, which I am taking, as of today. Thanks for letting me connect my soul and psyche without psychiatry, and the experience of kundalini without concealment. I hope you make yourself comfy and stick around a while.
PS: great username!
Love, light, peace
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spiritflwr
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2014 : 9:27:44 PM
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Hi A.D.,
Thank you for your welcome. Sounds as if the intensity is so much for you right now. I hope the circumstances of your outer world fall easily together to support your inner knowing and growing. I don't regret the time I took to look at the experience through a medical lens, I am not sure if my mind would have ever let me accept the gift of what was happening without exhausting itself.
My perspective of something being done to me slowly began to change into something happening that was revealing what was already inside of me. So when the fear surfaced I began to realize that nothing was causing me to be afraid but what was happening was revealing the fear that already had a home in me. If I had never had the experience I would never have been aware that fear had set up residence over the years. Then, I just sit with it...because I have never had anything transform by trying to transform it and any judgement I hold against myself only locks it all tighter in place.
[img]icon_heart.gif[/img] gentle with your precious self [img]icon_heart.gif[/img]
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mil
USA
28 Posts |
Posted - Aug 05 2014 : 11:25:24 AM
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My perspective of something being done to me slowly began to change into something happening that was revealing what was already inside of me. So when the fear surfaced I began to realize that nothing was causing me to be afraid but what was happening was revealing the fear that already had a home in me. If I had never had the experience I would never have been aware that fear had set up residence over the years. Then, I just sit with it...because I have never had anything transform by trying to transform it and any judgement I hold against myself only locks it all tighter in place.
gentle with your precious self
I really resonate with this...nicely put |
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pkj
USA
158 Posts |
Posted - Aug 05 2014 : 2:31:07 PM
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My perspective of something being done to me slowly began to change into something happening that was revealing what was already inside of me. So when the fear surfaced I began to realize that nothing was causing me to be afraid but what was happening was revealing the fear that already had a home in me. If I had never had the experience I would never have been aware that fear had set up residence over the years. Then, I just sit with it...because I have never had anything transform by trying to transform it and any judgement I hold against myself only locks it all tighter in place.
Totally agree and feels the same way. Well said.
We all needs to be gentle with our self.
Love
PKJ |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2014 : 08:52:23 AM
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welcome spiritflwr, I think you'll find many here have experienced similar tribulations.
the good news is that things do even out over time (I never would have believed!) and the inner winds become subtle fragrances rather than raging torrents.
anima, I wish you the best and hope that you find the security you seek. look within always, as the eyes lie. |
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spiritflwr
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2014 : 9:21:01 PM
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| Thank you tnt, pkj & mil :) A.D. still thinking of you. |
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