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k.cherry
USA
86 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 30 2022 : 12:23:59 AM
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Hi everyone,
This is going to be long, but life is coming to a critical juncture, and I want to get things off my chest and in front of wiser eyes/hearts.
I’ve said it elsewhere here in the forums, but the last few years have just...well...sucked. The pandemic wasn’t helping of course, but most of it has been related to my own issues (divorce, family troubles, lack of friends, and addiction). Basically, in the last few years, everything I knew about myself was stripped away, but I don’t think it was an accident at all. I do not have active kundalini, but I absolutely swear some force has been determined to bring up all my darkest sh*t to the surface like a great purge or inner churning. It’s like God was telling me to let it all collapse. Like a great preparation for something. No more wasting my time trying to be a "good person"…I’ve seen the darkness inside, and that it is a necessary part of the whole. Sometimes I’ve wondered why I was given the fantastic karma of alcoholism and a seeming inability to thrive in life (resulting in a perpetual proximity to my abusive father). But then again, I swear the demons wake us up just as much as the angels if we’re paying attention. And I have been paying attention. I’m sure it’s grace, but it’s definitely painful. On the plus side, the insufferable cockiness of my younger years has been irreversibly eroded. More poetically, I could say that the shiny armor of the naïve archetypal white knight has tarnished to a more suitable patina.
Anyways, after all these years of outward stagnancy, things are starting to shift and accelerate on almost all fronts. I have finally quit all substances (minus caffeine) on my own accord and have been attending a local AA fellowship. I didn’t know what to expect, and I felt like a failure walking into the rooms for the first time, but to my surprise, it has actually been one of the best decisions of my life! Not only has it helped me quit drinking, but I finally am making friends, being of service, and have a sense of community. I found a sponsor right away and have been working the steps, and it is astonishing how closely the steps align with the spiritual principles I’ve been absorbing through contemplating the teachings of the sages for the past few years. Powerlessness? Turning our will over to God? Service to others? Ego being the source of all suffering? It’s all the same. I’ve always wanted to be useful and helpful to those around me, and I guess I always imagined that that would come through success. Instead, it has come through the humility of failure and suffering. Listening to the stories of other addicts is very comforting because all of us have done crazy sh*t. As a result, there is a startling lack of judgement in the rooms. I can honestly say I’ve felt more of God’s presence in the rooms full of addicts than most of the churches I’ve attended. I wonder if it’s because humility is required to be there…I mean who wants to go to AA? Everyone there already knows they’ve failed, or they would be literally anywhere else. A church just doesn’t have that type of a door. I’m not trying to bash churches…this is just an old gripe. Growing up, I loved Christ but hated the superficiality of the church. No sense of spirit. As Anthony De Mello might say: “Where is the fire!?” I have definitely felt some fire in the rooms of AA.
Not only is being sober allowing my body to bounce back, but the AA groups have also given me a chance to connect with some qualities of mine that I had forgotten about or am maybe even just now discovering. Namely, my love of public speaking and a natural ability to connect with people on the level of the heart. I have been told many times in the last few weeks that I have a way of putting things into words that makes things relatable and clear to others. Several people have approached me after meetings to tell me that they love when I share, because they can relate so much. In a recent meeting, I shared a story about hiking down into my favorite valley on a rainy day, and a woman came up afterwards and told me that I should write a book, because the story had evoked such clear mental imagery for her. And finally, my sponsor told me last weekend that he has noticed that people are drawn to me when I speak, because I’m not trying to say what I think other people want to hear and am instead speaking from the heart. In truth, I can sort of feel this happening! When I speak, I actually lose sight of the room in a way, I go inwards as if I’m focused on something inside (my chest?), and I just start talking. If I can keep that attention steady, there isn’t much I have to worry about, and the right words just come out automatically. I am absolutely relieved to have reconnected with this part of myself, as it’s very natural feeling and is inherently fulfilling, almost as if it’s singularly what I’m built for, what God has had in mind for me all along. It makes me feel useful to the community, which is something I deeply crave. However, these gifts also bring up some of my deepest insecurities, but that’s something I may touch on at a later time.
And then there is my career. I work for my father at a small family technology startup, and our future prospects are appearing very good indeed. There is a decent chance that, because of our collective (and my personal) success in this endeavor, I will get an employment offer at a much larger company. I will likely not have to move, but this also means that I will probably continue to work alongside my father. On the one hand, this could be the career break I’ve been aiming for, as I originally took this startup job as a steppingstone to a more fulfilling career path (trying to switch engineering disciplines, essentially). The catch? If I take this job I will likely still work for my father, and this is as horrible as death. Poison in the cake, so to speak. However, if I turn the offer down, I risk not being able to make the career shift I have desired for many years, and I may have to give up the new roots I’ve been laying down in the community. I want to get away from my father so desperately, but I feel stuck. I have spent weeks thinking over this and talking through it with my therapist, but there does not seem to be a right answer. Any decision seems to be precisely the right one and the wrong one simultaneously. As a side note — and please bear with my mental imagery here — I am convinced that my father is a powerful, somewhat evil wizard. He has spiritual powers, but is not exactly mentally well, and often uses these powers to manipulate those around him for his own gain and comfort. My eldest sister, who I’m very close to, is witchy and powerful as well, but she’s not evil. Interestingly, she’s also on a kundalini path of her own, but we’re just drawn to different methods. So, I do at least have her to talk to about spiritual things, though she can’t relate to my particular path. As for me…I feel like the loner, contemplative alchemist whose power has not been activated. Like a dud of a popcorn kernel. It bothers the hell out of me. If I’m perfectly honest, I’m a bit resentful towards God for making my dad a powerful man and making me relatively ineffective and weak. I told my therapist this morning that God made me more “aww” than “awe,” and I think this is a succinct way of capturing the nature of my self-hatred. Anyways, what I’m getting at here is that part of the reason I want away from him is that I feel like I’m trapped in his reality distortion field and am being perpetually kept from my own identity and fullness…like there is mounting pressure for a second puberty that just cannot come about in his energetic presence. I feel incredibly vulnerable to other people’s energies and without much ability to defend myself spiritually, especially from him, yet there is this clear inner sense of urgency and a desperate hope for transformation. I want to be connected to that inner lover so badly, and there’s sometimes literal pain in my heart and frequent tears when I’m out in the woods alone. However, I do NOT want shakti to awaken while I'm around him only for him to try to seize her for his own gain or control (he WILL try…it’s a guarantee). I guess this is why I’m coming here to air everything out and not worrying too much about how it’s coming across. I guess in my mind, sharing this in this community, no matter how insane I probably sound or however imperfect I am, is a prayer to Shakti herself.
On another note, I have also been hiking a LOT in the mountain forests in my free time where I pray and listen to some teachings. Lately it's been Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta, and Ramakrishna. I just feel so at home and at peace when I’m out there…I miss living in the mountains so badly but am grateful to live so close by. I have also started my asana practice back up at my local studio, and it’s wonderful to get my body moving again. I like to imagine that my spine is like a rag and I’m wringing out all the gross stuff through my sweat. My diet has shifted considerably, being now mostly light and nutritious, but with occasional cravings for heavier foods. So many changes, and I’m having to shift my footing quickly, but it all feels relatively balanced and good, with not a single thing being forced. It took a long time of external stagnation with stuff working beneath the surface to arrive here, and now everything is just kind of exploding into the daylight all at once.
One last thing is that I just got to the 11th step with my sponsor this last weekend. Step 11 is: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” After years of feeling I shouldn’t do anything more than being with the breath, praying constantly, and reading the wisdom of the sages, it finally feels like the perfect time to start sitting practices again. I’m keeping it minimal at 5min SBP & 20min DM once daily in the evenings so as not to risk overload in the case that, as I suspect and hope, some sort of transformation is actually close at hand. My heart had said “not yet” to sitting practices for years, and now there is a clear “yes, now.” We’ll see where this goes.
Anyways, thank you for reading this. I'm so grateful for Yogani's clear lessons and the wisdom and fellowship in these forums. Please wish me luck in the coming weeks. I need all the help I can get at the moment, even if it’s just a “good luck!”
Much love 
K.Cherry 
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2022 : 07:05:23 AM
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Wow. Wow.
K.Cherry - was I in the group of wiser eyes & hearts mentioned in the first line?  . Because compared to your heart-outpour here and the wisdom coming through here, I am aww.
Thank you profoundly for sharing.
quote:
I’ve always wanted to be useful and helpful to those around me, and I guess I always imagined that that would come through success. Instead, it has come through the humility of failure and suffering
This is such a powerful statement.
quote:
If I’m perfectly honest, I’m a bit resentful towards God for making my dad a powerful man and making me relatively ineffective and weak
There is nothing wrong, nothing shameful about being young, ineffective and weak. We all start out this way. We are strengthen through our experiences (mostly thru' our failures).
I will borrow Yogani's wisdom and say - to the extent that you have some inner silence within or peace (when you are out in the woods), try dropping Love + your father's name in it, samyama-style. There may not be an immediate miracle but slowly but surely something in your relationship will change.
As for the career opportunity - taking your father out of the picture - look within your heart to see if it sparks excitement and joy. If so, I would say, go for it. It will grow your self-esteem and confidence which will bring about further change in how you interact with your father.
Best of luck in your endeavours.
Sey
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Blanche
USA
859 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2022 : 12:57:25 PM
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Hi K.Cherry,
Wishing you the best on your chosen path! Thank you for sharing - and hopefully you feel more at peace for doing it. A move toward God brings peace and light, while a move away comes with anxiety and doubt.
Doing what you are doing, going to the AA meetings and therapy, taking walks, reading spiritual books, meditating are shifting things in your life. Good decisions are often difficult, and they come with a price. We have to "pay" for them. Easy decisions are not worth much... In the same time, one decision is unlikely to solve all the problems, and wherever we go we still bring ourselves along 
One of my teachers says that people do not have power over us if we do not give it to them. And a good story is still a story.
Remember: The guru is in you. |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2022 : 6:59:13 PM
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HI k.cherry
Good to hear from you. Yes, you have a gift for verbal expression, I found your post gripping too.
I will join Sey in her suggestion to pray for your father. Samyama style, or whichever way you like to shape your prayers.
quote:
Originally posted by k.cherry
I swear the demons wake us up just as much as the angels if we’re paying attention.
So true.
quote:
Originally posted by k.cherry
If I take this job I will likely still work for my father, and this is as horrible as death. Poison in the cake, so to speak. However, if I turn the offer down, I risk not being able to make the career shift I have desired for many years, and I may have to give up the new roots I’ve been laying down in the community. I want to get away from my father so desperately, but I feel stuck.
OK, this decision will not bring you right to your career goal, but does either of these two options bring you, even marginally, closer to where you want to be? That is, will you be in a better position to grab the sort of offer you want if you accept the current offer? Or do you stand a better chance to get the offer you want if you stay put?
quote:
Originally posted by k.cherry
I do NOT want shakti to awaken while I'm around him only for him to try to seize her for his own gain or control (he WILL try…it’s a guarantee).
I would try to set your mind and rest about this one. Nobody controls Her. You just need to work on the Silence, so that you're able to realise that. How is your meditation practice going?
quote:
Originally posted by k.cherry
it finally feels like the perfect time to start sitting practices again. I’m keeping it minimal at 5min SBP & 20min DM once daily in the evenings
That answers my question. Well done!
If you're concerned about overload, prioritise meditation. I think Yogani says somewhere that 10 minutes twice a day is better than 20 minutes once day. Of course you know best what works for you.
Good luck! |
Edited by - BlueRaincoat on Mar 30 2022 7:10:12 PM |
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Dogboy
USA
2193 Posts |
Posted - Mar 31 2022 : 05:05:46 AM
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Congratulations k.cherry, for your sobriety and budding possibilities, for finding purpose and perspective, for leaning towards service and allowing your truth to bubble forth. You are wise to slowly reintroduce your sitting practices and test your capabilities in a stable manner, and to seek an outside perspective through therapy. Allow yourself time in inspecting your deepest insecurities, be loving and forgiving of yourself always, going forward.
Family dynamics can be difficult enough without the connection to your employment, so I agree with the others, be as loving as you can in interactions with your father, simultaneously protecting your heart as best you can from the multiple triggers. Fill yourself with lightness, especially in his presence, and be willing to de-escalate any situation by walking away if necessary. As Blanche suggests, your father can only take what you willingly give away. There is strength in allowing silence to permeate unsettled situations, so if you find yourself in such a state, take pause and invite silence to step forth. Your future, most likely, will not involve your father, there is some relief in that.
You are very gifted with expressing yourself and your situation, and a blossoming does feel as if it is in the works. so encourage your hard-earned, sober perspective, lean into love and positivity, and be ready and open for anything. Good luck fellow traveler! |
Edited by - Dogboy on Mar 31 2022 05:11:56 AM |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Apr 01 2022 : 01:04:57 AM
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| K.cherry, I would like to join the group in congratulating you on these very important steps on your spiritual path. I have shared some of my struggles over time on this forum and have appreciated the support this loving group has offered. You are dealing with a lot of overlapping issues. In my experience that is just the way it plays out. I can relate to the struggles you are having with your father as my father has been a challenge for me as well. After 6 years of estrangement we've reconnected and it isn't always easy. I have come to accept difficult people, especially as they age, often remain difficult. I hope you can find the right balance. Inner silence does help me to be less reactive to situations that may have triggered me more in the past. AA has so many wonderful teachings. The serenity prayer is a true gem. One day at a time should get you there. |
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sunyata
USA
1505 Posts |
Posted - Apr 01 2022 : 2:56:07 PM
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Hi K.Cherry,
Thank you for your authentic sharing. You've already received great advice. Happy to hear you have found good friendships and taking steps towards making changes.
I agree with the rest that you are very articulate. Your daily practice will be the doorway to Freedom. "Inner Silence" is the highest superpower.
Sunyata |
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Cato
Germany
225 Posts |
Posted - Apr 01 2022 : 9:44:25 PM
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K.cherry, thanks for sharing. Great advice has already been given. As you have a gift of reaching people's hearts and seem to think about resetting your life in one way or another, why not make it an important part of it. It can be part of a new job, but doesn' have to. There are many forms.
Wish you all the best |
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Dogboy
USA
2193 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2022 : 02:31:05 AM
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| I would like to add to seek out, and be open to humor, whenever possible, as humor can disarm and soften, and invites in joy. Upturning the corners of your mouth or eyebrows provide instantaneous relief. |
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k.cherry
USA
86 Posts |
Posted - Apr 06 2022 : 01:35:47 AM
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Hi everyone,
Thank you SO much for all the kind words and sage advice. I’m truly grateful. My feelings continue to oscillate wildly regarding the potential career move, but I am in prayer about it and being as receptive as I can to the deeper feelings in my heart and the unknown possibilities that may come. The one thing I know for certain is that “logic” isn’t going to win the day here. I could easily make a decision that looks good on paper and that others approve of but brings no joy or life energy. Or, I could aim for the deepest truth in my heart and perhaps, even though it might be hard and I will face many obstacles, I will receive the full support of the indwelling spirit. The only one I care to please in this situation is Her. Whatever pleases Her will be the right decision, no matter where it takes me, because I will have Her blessing. Perhaps I will post back as things continue to unfold.
Responding individually…
Sey: Aww shucks! Of course you were included! I have taken your advice and began praying for my father while I’m hiking and have some silence. My most earnest prayer so far was during a grueling ascent when I became very riled and angry, so I turned that into a wholehearted prayer for him. P.S. I know this isn’t related to this discussion at all, but I recall you sharing elsewhere that you have a fondness for mangoes. We have this in common. My favorite fruit since childhood
Blanche: Thank you for reminding me that my stories are just stories. I had some powerful dreams back in 2015 that have seemed to eerily foretell of my personal development out here in California. This inflection point I'm experiencing in my life corresponds extremely well to the end of one of those dreams, but even the dream itself ended in an abrupt mystery. So, I can only feel that I have to have faith and keep going, that this is the correct path, but I still have no idea how this is going to turn out. But yeah, as helpful as those dreams have been as signposts, I do think I tend to get caught up in the narrative.
BlueRaincoat: I found it! It’s Lesson 86. I’ve taken the advice and am now practicing twice daily 5min SBP and 10min DM. I’m hoping these ratios are OK, but I have to keep SBP because it’s my favorite part, although DM is very rapidly starting to do…something. Thank you also for reminding me that nobody controls Her, neither me nor my father.
Dogboy: Thank you for reminding me to de-escalate and be loving. Unfortunately, walking away usually makes him escalate the situation, as does staying and arguing, as does…well…anything. This is the ridiculous truth, and I may very well just have to walk away from the whole situation in the end. One thing is for certain: no matter what, I will be momentarily walking through a curtain of fire. Finding humor in it will be difficult, but I’ll give it my best shot.
Interpaul: Thank you for sharing your similar struggles. At this point I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he’s set in his ways and will never change. I’m definitely the one that has to change in this situation. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”
Sunyata: “Inner silence is your superpower” and “Inner silence is your freedom” have been ringing through my head all week. You really struck a clear note on the bell with that one, and it continues to reverberate. I remember it when I'm feeling panicked about the whole situation or doubtful about my abilities. It helps me remember to just keep sticking with the path and the practice and let it all unfold from the stillness. Truly, thank you.
Cato: I think you’re right on the money that this new life paradigm will be more centered around the heart. That’s exactly where I feel the spirit pulling me. I often feel dismay that I've had to lose so much of my general good-standing in life, but I like to think that God was just preparing me for something new, something more real. It may not be anything like what I imagine, but I feel my life unfolding into something much more suited to this natural state.
Again, thank you to everyone here on this journey.
Much love
K.Cherry
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