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barefoot_vagrant
United Kingdom
4 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 13 2022 : 07:57:19 AM
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Dear AYP Forum,
I’m not a practitioner of AYP but have been working with another form of Kriya Yoga since 2015 and every now and then when I’m find I’m struggling, I come here to lurk and find this community so supportive and willing and grounded, so thank you.
I have a question regarding trauma (C-PTSD) and yoga. Many books and online resources advise yoga as a having very good results with trauma sufferers, but I feel I’m still challenged.
First of all I would never have thought of myself as a trauma sufferer but it seems that for the most of my life I have been living in dissociation as a protective mechanism from a turbulent childhood meaning I don’t experience my emotions and find it hard to interface in a meaningful way in the world without having to put on an act (that, in fairness, very few people can see through).
I have been practicing Isha Yoga since 2015 and the struggle that I’m facing is a huge resistance to doing any of the practices. This isn’t because of a lack of longing or will, I find that when I am not grounded in my body, the practices tend to make that sensation worse - it makes me feel more divorced from myself. There is an emphasis at Isha to do the practices no matter what happens, and so I push on through with them like its some sour medicine.
I know the practices are anything but sour medicine because on the few occasions I’ve been able to string together some days when I’m not dissociating the practices are the most amazingly refined activity and they truly work in a deep satisfying way.
So how to solve the dissociating? I recently stepped back from volunteering with Isha full-time to address this, and am talking with a therapist twice a week, but it is slow work. In the meantime I’m still doing as much of the Isha Yoga as I can, despite it being really unpleasant at times.
I’m a bit lost. I do guru pooja every morning and try my very hardest to follow the instructions given by the foundation but I’m so confused - something within me says it’s not right, but no where did I find anyone in the ashram tell me to stop my practices. I don’t want to quit the path - I don’t want to turn around, but I don’t know what to do and don’t know how to move forward but wish to stop thrashing myself against a brick wall every morning.
I have started to work more on grounding exercises, which seem to help to some degree, but not to the level which leave me comfortable. I’m wondering whether I should just drop the practices entirely and get back out into the world and then perhaps review once I am more grounded - but this is a big step and I don’t feel qualified to make that call! Is it not going against my guru’s wish?
Any advice would be kindly received. If the message doesn’t belong here then apologies please delete or archive as appropriate.
Warmest wishes,
BV |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4364 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2022 : 4:37:22 PM
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Hi Barefoot Vagrant,
Welcome to the forums ! 
If you are suffering from trauma, then you need to adjust your practices accordingly. You don't need to wait for anyone to tell you to do that. At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows your own situation, and you are responsible for your own practice.
It could be that the practices you have been doing are ones that you are not ready for yet? If that is the case, then you need to find something that works for you, for the situation you are in.
This recent thread discusses trauma, and how we can overcome it.
Christi |
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Stille
Germany
76 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2022 : 9:57:51 PM
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Hello barefoot vagrant,
you already know deep inside what you should be doing. Listen to your inner guru, especially when your environment puts pressure on you to keep with their line of belief about pushing blockages with practices.
quote:
You write: "[...]something within me says it’s not right, but no where did I find anyone in the ashram tell me to stop my practices. I don’t want to quit the path - I don’t want to turn around, but I don’t know what to do and don’t know how to move forward but wish to stop thrashing myself against a brick wall every morning".
Listening to your deep spiritual intuition isn't quitting the path. Even if it means to not practice anything for a while.
Stille 
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Dogboy
USA
2192 Posts |
Posted - Mar 15 2022 : 01:15:14 AM
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quote:
First of all I would never have thought of myself as a trauma sufferer but it seems that for the most of my life I have been living in dissociation as a protective mechanism from a turbulent childhood meaning I don’t experience my emotions and find it hard to interface in a meaningful way in the world without having to put on an act (that, in fairness, very few people can see through).
Welcome Barefoot V
One way to connect, and ground incidentally, is to strive to be of service to others, even in small ways. Attention is cast outwardly onto others, relieving our inner rumination and briefly providing connection. The benefit outweighs the expenditure.
As Stille and Christi advise, be true to your inner voice if your path is diverging from your desire. Finding inner stability is foundational to your spiritual pursuits, and if you are not finding joy in Isha, it may be time to find it elsewhere. |
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barefoot_vagrant
United Kingdom
4 Posts |
Posted - Apr 05 2022 : 11:49:39 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Christi
Hi Barefoot Vagrant,
Welcome to the forums !
If you are suffering from trauma, then you need to adjust your practices accordingly. You don't need to wait for anyone to tell you to do that. At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows your own situation, and you are responsible for your own practice.
It could be that the practices you have been doing are ones that you are not ready for yet? If that is the case, then you need to find something that works for you, for the situation you are in.
This recent thread discusses trauma, and how we can overcome it.
Christi
Hi Christi - thank you for the warm welcome and your compassionate response. Sorry for my delayed reply.
The other thread was useful to read and see that I'm not totally alone - thank you for sharing it.
I have been finding it hard - the practices I have been offered are set very much the same for everyone and we are encouraged not to drop them even for one day. Also I know you can spend a lifetime going around window shopping and trying out all the spiritual paths and never actually getting anywhere with any of them - that's why for me it's not as simple as stopping the practices - it will mean I have to choose another path, when how do I know I won't find the same (or similar) issues on a new one? It's a hard thing to reconcile!
Luckily the therapy I have been taking has been helping massively. Also there seems to be a method of breathing which my body is doing spontaneously which is just very very long out-breaths with a constricted throat - normal in breaths. I'm not sure what this does intellectually but experientially it takes me more into my body and helps me feel more secure, grounded and resilient.
So I'm continuing with the practices for now - I never miss a day even if it is really tough, but I'm being mindful of tuning into my needs more so I treat them as an expression not as a function. This way I hope to manage my emotional sensitivities and turbulence but not 'falling off' the path...!
Of course, any further thoughts/challenges well recieved.
Warmest wishes... |
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barefoot_vagrant
United Kingdom
4 Posts |
Posted - Apr 05 2022 : 11:55:57 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Stille
Hello barefoot vagrant,
you already know deep inside what you should be doing. Listen to your inner guru, especially when your environment puts pressure on you to keep with their line of belief about pushing blockages with practices.
quote:
You write: "[...]something within me says it’s not right, but no where did I find anyone in the ashram tell me to stop my practices. I don’t want to quit the path - I don’t want to turn around, but I don’t know what to do and don’t know how to move forward but wish to stop thrashing myself against a brick wall every morning".
Listening to your deep spiritual intuition isn't quitting the path. Even if it means to not practice anything for a while.
Stille
This is good to hear, but as my guru doesn't encourage this inner wisdom it's hard to know what is my nonsense and what is Truth!
I know AYP is strongly focussed on inner wisdom/guidance which actually I feel is very grounding and embodying - listening to the innate wisdom of the system, so I really appreciate the sharing and the advice, thank you #128591; |
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barefoot_vagrant
United Kingdom
4 Posts |
Posted - Apr 05 2022 : 12:04:29 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
quote:
First of all I would never have thought of myself as a trauma sufferer but it seems that for the most of my life I have been living in dissociation as a protective mechanism from a turbulent childhood meaning I don’t experience my emotions and find it hard to interface in a meaningful way in the world without having to put on an act (that, in fairness, very few people can see through).
Welcome Barefoot V
One way to connect, and ground incidentally, is to strive to be of service to others, even in small ways. Attention is cast outwardly onto others, relieving our inner rumination and briefly providing connection. The benefit outweighs the expenditure.
As Stille and Christi advise, be true to your inner voice if your path is diverging from your desire. Finding inner stability is foundational to your spiritual pursuits, and if you are not finding joy in Isha, it may be time to find it elsewhere.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and the kind advice.
I am challenged by the advice to go out and be of service - often I find myself giving too much and becoming burnt out as a result. Right now I'm taking some time to ensure that I can be more resilient and set healthier boundaries. For three years I was volunteering and it burnt me out in the same way my job was previous to that (I was managing recording artists). Trying to fill my cup before filling others right now - or what's the other one? Oxygen mask on myself before helping others? Maybe this isn't right and I'm open to other interpretations. Of course there is much suffering in the world and it is very hurtful to see and I wish to give all I can to help, so it's very hard not to offer myself and work inwards, but I feel (and maybe I'm wrong) that this is what I should do for now...
As for leaving Isha/Guru as I have mentioned above, I wonder if it's as simple as just 'leaving' a spiritual path - invariably we will be challenged on it - how to know when a challenge is appropriate, and how to know when it is simply a dead end? Perhaps there is no way of knowing... Makes me think of a Roald Dahl quote:
Willy Wonka says this while everyone is taking an underground gondola ride - this says a lot about where I'm at - perhaps I'm not alone?
"There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction they are going!
There’s no knowing where they’re rowing,
Or which way they river’s flowing!
Not a speck of light is showing,
So the danger must be growing,
For the rowers keep on rowing,
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing…"
Thank you for your response again, and I welcome any observations or thoughts that arise from within you - warmest wishes,
Barefoot Vagrant. |
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Kriya yoga and Trauma
