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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 06 2019 : 2:12:18 PM
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Sorry to post so many times in such a short time. AYP is truly breaking up many obstructions I've had for years and it is forcing me to face many of my inner demons. I read one of the lessons (124.1) titled "fear of spiritual awakening" and I am finally coming to understand a fundamental blockage that I can't seem to resolve. ~35 years ago I had a psychotic break on magic mushrooms. I experienced a loss of connection with my sense of self for several hours. It took me over a year to feel grounded again. That experience has remained dormant in my unconscious till recently. After some recent kundalini surges which I've shared on the forum I started to become quite anxious the intense energy might overwhelm me and push me over the edge again. AYP practices are helping me to feel closer to that deeper part of myself that desires freedom from my deep attachment to my ego, yet I have deep fear that is now emerging around this too. I understand I need to take things much slower and self pace but I have this sense I need to ultimately face this fear head on to move to the next level in my spiritual development.
An analogy that just came to mind is boiling water. In order for the water to go from liquid to gas it needs to be heated. At some point the boiling point needs to be crossed. You can turn down the heat again and again if you are afraid of having your liquid turn to gas but if you know your goal is to create water vapor you need to cross that threshold. My struggle feels like I am approaching that spiritual threshold again and again and backing off with self pacing feels like it is keeping me from moving forward. Thank you for your attention and patience with me. |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2019 : 12:21:52 AM
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Dear Interpaul,
It is a pleasure having you here on the forums. It is perfectly ok to post as many times as you have questions or stuff to share - AYP related.
If you are feeling fear, it is best to back off. The water can equally be boiled in a simmering manner on low heat. You are doing fine. I think everyone hits that wall of fear at one time or another. It usually happens with raging kundalini. The belly chakras are activated and being purged too rapidly, and you know this is where we store all our “ugliness”, our demons.
You cannot hope to be enlightened by purifying the upper chakras only ; it’s a whole package.
But it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Enjoy your practices.
Sey 
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sunyata
USA
1505 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2019 : 07:54:16 AM
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Hi interpaul,
Good advice from Sey. I agree with her. And, please keep posting. Even this is part of the process. With all the other posts I’ve read including this one. It’s best to selfpace. Better to stop practices for few days to a week. Than to keep pushing too much and not be able to practice for years.
We can never barge into Enlightenment. It’s a gentle unfolding as we come to terms with ourselves and everything else. And along the way, the nature of reality is revealed. Even that’s not final. Learning continues, it has no ending.
As Yogani says practice wisely and enjoy.
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Edited by - sunyata on Dec 07 2019 07:54:55 AM |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2019 : 11:55:03 AM
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| SeySorciere and Sunyata, Thanks for your feedback. It's frustrating getting a practice going and then running into overload. I am coming to accept the wisdom in the gentle message of self pacing that seems to be coming up again and again. On a meta level I am coming to understand this is all part of the process rather than a barrier, i.e. my attachment to novel experiences and pleasure has fueled my enthusiasm for the practices and ultimately I have to address that too. I have been thinking of my enthusiasm as bhakti but it may just be more of a grasping for more. |
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Dogboy
USA
2193 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2019 : 12:29:02 PM
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Many practitioners equate self pacing as “losing ground” or failing in some way but that is not the case. When driving a car, slowing down and stopping is part of getting you somewhere safely, and such is the case with spiritual practices.
edit: wording |
Edited by - Dogboy on Dec 07 2019 12:30:09 PM |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2019 : 5:42:23 PM
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| Dogboy, Thanks, your analogy is helpful. |
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kumar ul islam
United Kingdom
791 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2019 : 6:42:55 PM
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getting to know our own filtered reality is a demanding task ,everything appears as it should and yet the greater truth remains, our senses our form dictate this fragment we live through and we serve it by every decision we make, the internal thought processes the external action are vehicles for our existence and we place names and words to form associations of feelings emotions etc, fear is a rather deep concept relating to survival usually to life itself but also to loss of any sort of our personal internal us, our names, families ,possessions ,like everything else change happens the soul evolves it expands, stretches, learns ,and accepts, its limited and yet limitless caught between a cloud of knowing and unknowing . |
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Togrom
USA
1 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2020 : 04:13:16 AM
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| spiritual awakening is very different from fear. When it happen you'll change totally and there is no mind situation only you witness. |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2020 : 1:45:56 PM
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Togrom, Thanks for your comments, and welcome to the forum. This sense of reaching a state on enlightenment in which you "change totally" is very appealing but few people seem to achieve this. I think Kumar ul islam's poetic comments speak to the complexity of the awakening process, i.e it isn't an all or nothing event. Seeing as this is your first post, I'd be curious to hear more about what brought you here and if you are speaking from a place of inner stillness or more conceptually.
Kumar ul islam, somehow I missed your beautiful response back in December, thank you. |
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Fear of enlightenment
