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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 14 2015 : 3:24:55 PM
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Self-pacing is familiar because it's been done throughout life, albeit unconsciously. There's been a reticence toward most practices due to the arising of unpleasant symptoms as practice is engaged. Oversensitivity has mandated caution. As a result little desire to pursue practices of any kind is generally the case. (Tai Chi is the stand alone exception, as it has been wonderful in every way for many years.)
That said, there was recent experimentation with a practice which has had unexpected consequences (as Christi warned it might). There is presently a rather consistent wanting to give up the search. These words may not convey the proper intent behind them. So, as per usual, explanation will be offered.
Over the past year, everpresent joy has been dwindling. Perhaps evolving or refining itself. Time will tell regarding that. So here's what is happening. It wasn't a concern until the last couple weeks.
A remarkable experience, resulting from experimentation (an undeniably clear glimpse of my true identity) ... seems to have catalyzed the mental transformation already in progress due to processing a dark night (discussed later). Christi warned a cool head would be requisite for this next stage on the path. So a willingness to expect the unexpected presently accompanies most endeavors.
There has come to be apparently this prevailing sadness which is like detachment. It has low energy and isn't particularly distressing. In other words, it doesn't feel emotional, and not necessarily causing a problem energetically. It's more mental.
An issue came up about a year ago that was too painful to even recognize, let alone be with and integrate. During Thanksgiving this year it was finally acknowledged, accepted and integrated. Paying attention to life brought it to conscious awareness. It felt like passing through a dark night of the soul. But that dark night may not be done with me yet. Or maybe this dark night is the greatest blessing ever.
This is not the finale. I'm not done yet. But I'm not searching anymore either, at least not as intensely as before. If the search is still on, it has shifted focus and direction. Shakti Shiva union is sensed to be imminent. The next stage on the path will yield resolution via that union. This raging kundalini, raging bhakti - where have they gone? Shakti is collapsed in exhaustion at Shiva's feet and will wait there forever until he picks her up. I kinda hope he lets her lay there for a long time while she thoroughly contemplates her (seemingly) outrageous antics tearing through every conceivable blockage to get to him. But it is sensed that he really won't be waiting much longer.
What is looked for now are good examples to follow. People who have that intangible something (calm compassionate insight?) and have ended their search. Looking to them for confirmation of experience here as well as authentication of the path that lies ahead. This is certainly not to say enlightenment is happening here. But it's also not being denied. The whole yardstick of enlightenment now seems useless and ineffective. Enlightenment is a concept for the mind to wrap itself around, and the concept itself isn't able to produce that which the concept represents. Apparently the mind is both shocked and depressed at this latest development. So I feel at odds with the mind. It's a good mind and has provided excellent service. It is very much appreciated.
However, after analyzing this enlightenment proposition from every conceivable angle ad nauseum, it is increasingly obvious that from here on, the mind will be of very little use. It can be a great help with other things of a more mundane nature. Assuring the mind that it will indeed be helpful in a variety of everyday pursuits has not assuaged the sadness or generated mental comfort. Actually I see this as a good thing. The mind is in withdrawal, as if giving up a favorite drug. The sadness is being embraced as it may serve to temper run-away-bliss (not to mention ecstasy). Which is partially welcomed but mostly dreaded.
Fully opening to the floodgates of bliss is an option being strenuously resisted. Which resistance appears to be working so far ... but surely resistance is not going to be effective forever. Yesterday there was the faintest twinkling of bliss and words cannot convey my relief that it was a tiny bit. The subtle kind of bliss is nice. But certainly not the immobilizing intoxicating type of bliss. That reminds me too much of a drug. Of course if it should happen, an attempt will be made to be with the too-much-bliss, and hopefully integrate it. (God help me if there is runaway ecstasy)
What is engulfing the consciousness is spiritual apathy. My bhakti isn't dead but it's ailing. This worries me. On the other hand, something else is perhaps taking its place. I'm hoping for whatever bliss it is that generates the half-smile, that this peace will grace me with its presence. The only desire left is to surrender to that.
love
parvati |
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kumar ul islam
United Kingdom
791 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2015 : 4:36:26 PM
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thankyou for writing such words i feel your journey in mine and it has lifted my soul ,the cloud of unknowing between us and our god is sometimes very heavy and dark and we bear the the weight without really knowing it can be blown away with wisp of gods love  |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2015 : 5:08:12 PM
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Thanks Kumar. You always express yourself so beautifully
love
parvati |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2015 : 7:12:03 PM
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Hi Parvati,
This all sounds like part and parcel of the path to me.
Be assured, everything is exactly as it should be. Continue to share your experiences, to journal, continue to inquire, to bring the immense sensitivity and awareness of your being to each moment.
It is impossible to make a mistake, you cannot go wrong: there are only opportunities to learn, and to allow your state of consciousness to continue evolving.
love
Josh |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2015 : 8:33:45 PM
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That's very nice of you to say Josh. So what happens when one discovers there is nothing left to search for? Assumptions based on the past are worthless, and identity is in shreds. Welcome to the crown chakra. Others seem to have passed this hurdle with flying colors. Observing how some people deal with life after giving up the search is inspirational and encouraging. Thanks so much for the support
love
parvati |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2015 : 9:04:04 PM
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Hi Parvati,
Great progress.
Life is ordinary. If it's spontaneous, it may take some time to integrate. If it's gradual, I think it's more stable. We are here in the now dealing with the ordinary but from a different perspective(bigger perspective). Like the saying goes chop wood, carry water. The openings and purification continues. After all we are experiencing the infinite.
Sunyata
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2015 : 9:44:01 PM
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Sunyata
It is obvious there is mental addiction to the search for enlightenment here. Maybe I was ready for that realization, but I miss the joy and took it for granted. There was only a mild tingling and itching at the crown, no big deal. That has been replaced with this, which is undoubtedly a good thing. I feel that gentle surrender is best exemplified as chop wood carry water. Your lovely comment finds resonance deep within my heart. Feeling very sad still. Thank you
love
parvati |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2015 : 04:12:07 AM
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Hey Parvati,
Just felt inspired to respond to this, from my own experience. Of course, this only my view, made out of words and concepts, and as such is limited in its nature and only a representation or opinion on truth-beyond-words. But I hope perhaps there is something you may resonate with.
quote:
So what happens when one discovers there is nothing left to search for?
Discovering (deeply in the experiential sense) that there is nothing to search for is the last step on the seeking path, but the first step on the path of realization and embodiment.
If I may share it with you, here's the view I take on the path:
1. There is only this non-dual consciousness. You are That.
2. What then is there to seek? Why engage in a spiritual path at all?
3. In spite of the fact that there is only this pure consciousness, there is ignorance. Much as clouds may block the light of the sun, concealing the source of all light, so ignorance may appear to conceal the true nature of reality.
4. The root of ignorance is the "I am the body-idea" (the idea that one is separate from all that is) and everything that this idea creates (fear, psychological suffering, seeking and resistance, energetic contractions in the body-mind, negative emotion, selfish self-interest, innumerable patterns of thoughts and behavior based upon ignorance). On an energetic level, I would describe that "I am the body-idea" as FEAR. The idea of separateness is fear itself.
5. Spiritual practices and/or inquiry may help to create a crack in the ignorance, allowing the light of truth to shine through. This is realization, or awakening. You realize your nature as pure consciousness. You've obviously experienced this. Once you've realized your true identity, it's much easier to see the false as false (i.e. to determine what is ignorance, or what thoughts/feelings/behaviors are arising from ignorance). It increases one's ability for discernment, for gently favoring choices and attitudes which are in greater alignment with the truth of your being.
6. Seeking arises out ignorance, and thus after realization, it is seen as such. After realization, it is very natural that Bhakti may wane. After all, you found that you are what you're seeking! "What you are looking for, is what is looking". Instead of desiring and seeking after imaginary ideas of what thoughts say will fulfill you, you've realized this moment, Now, is enough just as it is.
7. The danger at this stage, IME, is that your experiential realization may crystallize into an intellectual belief that "there's nothing to do / no one to do it" etcetera. Watch out for this, don't believe anything.
8. The clouds of ignorance (the i-am-the-body-idea, fear, psychological suffering, seeking and resistance, energetic contractions in the body-mind, negative emotion, selfish self-interest, patterns of thoughts and behavior based upon ignorance) are pervasive and tricky. After awakening, what I found was that despite having a very clear experiential realization, I didn't always behave in perfect integrity with this realization. At other times, this realization lost clarity, and a sense of and belief in separateness (FEAR) returned.
9. So although the clouds may have parted, clearly revealing the sun, it does not mean that there will be no more clouds. It just means that you now know how it feels to live and walk in the sunlight, to the feel the sun's gentle warmth upon your skin.
10. So for me, after waning for a while, bhakti re-aligned itself. Instead of wanting realization or enlightenment, I just began to desire to see very, very clearly. To live in complete alignment with Truth and Love. An intense sense of longing for perfect clarity of realization, complete integrity with the truth, and total dissipation of ignorance.
This is an evolving journey. The journey so far is characterized by:
1. Feeling more and more at complete peace with each moment, exactly as it is.
2. A gradual movement to becoming and less and less selfish in thought, feeling and behavior, resulting from clearly seeing that self-interest is ignorance
3. Heart opening into love
4. Sometimes falling into quite dense states of ignorance, where clouds cover the sun, but becoming aware of this, and allowing the heart and intuition to guide one into freedom
I hope this helps. |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2015 : 09:07:03 AM
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quote:
It is obvious there is mental addiction to the search for enlightenment here. Maybe I was ready for that realization, but I miss the joy and took it for granted. There was only a mild tingling and itching at the crown, no big deal. That has been replaced with this, which is undoubtedly a good thing. I feel that gentle surrender is best exemplified as chop wood carry water. Your lovely comment finds resonance deep within my heart. Feeling very sad still. Thank you
Hi Parvati,
Feeling all the emotions and feeling sad in completely fine. Yes, the mental addictions as well. It's all part of it. Finding solace and peace in search is okay as well.
There is a certain kind of freedom when we discover that being here and facing life and what it has to offer is more enlightening than reading all the flowery words in the books. The books serve a purpose but it doesn't require too many words.
Sunyata |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2015 : 10:26:15 AM
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The path continues. With sunrise this morning, came rebirth and reunion. Yes Josh, I also have the impression as one path ends (the search), another begins (the realization). That awareness came to me early this morning before reading your comment; good to have confirmation it is true for you as well. What a relief.
Being with the sadness allowed it to be integrated, and then consciousness expanded, and kept on expanding. There's so much to say, but nothing is really adequate to describe it.
If you read the post that was previously in this position, something happened...I don't know what...and it spontaneously entered while I was still working on it. I wasn't able to fix it at the time.
My joy, if it is joy, has returned. But it is very subdued - not like before. Whatever is happening is subtle and delightful. The sensation of tingling and itching at the crown is gone. But there's still a feeling of energy gently percolating there. It's very nice. Apathy, detachment, and/or surrender is still with me. And I'm okay with that. My bhakti has transformed. It's now more like loving acceptance and a little bit wanting to share that.
love
parvati
edit/ post entered prematurely |
Edited by - parvati9 on Dec 15 2015 4:42:33 PM |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Dec 16 2015 : 11:01:27 PM
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Epiphany or
How the Pain of Apathy Transformed into a Gift
Listening to an audio conversation and all of a sudden the epiphany. A lot of honesty was coming up in this conversation, and there was resonance with that honesty. While listening to it, it was easy to remain present with the apathy. Needed to know where this apathy is coming from. It became abundantly clear. It's a natural result or evolution of aversion tendencies.
It was seen how there's aversive skill, through the exercise of consistent behavior, at avoiding what is perceived as unappealing. It's easy to sense, the reflexes are fast, and there is simply movement around or away from the icky energy, sometimes rapidly passing through it. Thus my previously unshakeable joy was built on a foundation steeped in aversion. Aversion is not really the problem though. Rather it's a dishonest relationship with the aversion. Kind of a failure to acknowledge it as a major supporter of the previous everpresent joy.
So the apathy is me saying: What if I don't do this anymore? What if I just be with some of the stuff that is bothering me? What if I just stop? Stop doing what I do. Ya know, just be myself and trust myself to harmonize or integrate the icky energy, instead of running away from it. Or what if ... what if... I just accept it for what it is?
I believe this stuff is coming into awareness because of the need to acknowledge the aversion for what it is - aversion. Because of a failure to be honest, it was make-believe joy... joy that was propped up by denial, or absence of awareness. Well, it felt like genuine joy. (And when there was drug dependency, that felt like happiness too.) There was need to defend a mirage, an illusion. And that mirage has evaporated or collapsed. No need to defend a mirage that isn't there.
This is not an intellectual exercise anymore. It's where the rubber meets the road. There is clear seeing of what is actually being done in daily life. Most of the joy was predicated on this adeptship with aversion. It finally became necessary to know it for what it is. Due to being so good at it, there was getting away with it, fooling myself. Excusing it, denying it, calling it something else, etc etc ... but never seeing it for what it was, nor acknowledging that it was primarily responsible for the joy often felt.
It's a game I was playing with myself. A game which has been exposed.
Now that the game is revealed to be what it is, there is no need to change my behavior. Just acknowledging it for what it is, is enough. It is being honest. The apathy (or detachment) was mandating honesty. What a gift. There's a little joyful anticipation of recognizing the next aversive strategy for what it is. And being thankful for this gift of detachment that has only been with me for a few weeks.
love
parvati
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Ailing Bhakti and Spiritual Apathy
