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DreamWeaver
USA
43 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 29 2022 : 10:47:55 PM
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Hi Everyone,
I’m not new here, but I must update my username. I had a dream years ago where I was given my “real” name just before being picked up off a remote island, and this is exactly what came to pass this summer during a solo backpacking trip. I would love to tell that story, as it was synchronistic and meaningful, but I don’t have the time right now.
I posted back in April that I was coming to a critical juncture in my life and career, mostly worried about whether I would continue alongside my father if the family startup merged with another company. Well, the company was sold in June, and I turned down an offer from the purchaser. Instead, I decided to spend some time travelling. I had three trips planned: a trip to Detroit to spend time with my best friend and his budding family, a ten-day spiritual tour of Ladakh with a guide and fellow yogi I met by chance, and an AYP retreat in Florida. The Ladakh tour and AYP retreat didn’t work out for me, and I decided to drive to Michigan from California instead of flying. I have a passion for geology/geography and wanted to do some sightseeing, city visits, and camping along the way. I left in early July thinking I would be gone for only a couple weeks, but it turned into two-and-a-half months of meandering around the Midwest, Northern Plains, and Pacific Northwest just exploring the different pranic feels of each place. There was so much fantastic scenery and meaningful conversations with strangers, and I even bought a new camera so I could take photos and do some vlogging along the way. At some point while meandering through Washington on my way back, I decided I didn’t want to be in California anymore or even see my family, so I put in a formal notice with my landlord to break my lease early. I got back to California in early October, packed my things into a storage unit, called my eldest sister to tell her I didn’t want to see anybody including her, that the family should not come looking for me, and that I loved them but, “goodbye.”
I stayed a few nights at a hotel near my old apartment, unsure where I wanted to go. However, one morning about a week ago I awoke in a frenzy, knowing for certain where I needed to be. I got in my car and started driving to where my heart said. It’s as if I closed my eyes, put my hands over my ears, caught an invisible signal with my heart, and just floored it. Now that I'm here, however, I feel like the proverbial dog that catches a car but doesn’t know what to do with it. Well, what the f*ck now?
Winter isn’t the most ideal time to move here, as it’s one of the snowiest cities in the US. It's not so cold now and there’s no snow on the ground, but it snowed two feet here a couple weeks ago and I don't have much time before the real winter starts. I spent the last couple days updating my resume, looking for work, and managed to submit some applications. I also found the local AA chapter and have attended a couple meetings (it’s an on-and-off-the-wagon period of life for me, but I need to keep trying). So here I am, launching myself into the universe with essentially no money and no solid plan. It’s very likely money will run out and I’ll end up just grabbing my backpacking gear and disappearing into the woods. I keep getting these hot/cold flashes in my body; it’s the prana of abject terror. This is how I imagine it feels to realize that there’s something seriously wrong with the plane. You’re almost certain of your end, but there’s only so much you can do, and you’re running out of options. This is my Hail Mary, I guess.
I’ve been contemplating if I have any regrets in my life. Like, seriously, what is it that I feel in my heart? Now that the chips are down and my truth can perhaps be confessed, maybe I should put it out there. I regret that I never got to see myself get to a place of true wisdom and maturity, the kind of peace where I can rejoin humanity fully (in my own way, of course) with love and humility, giving back all that God has given me from a joyful heart. I regret not feeling the satisfaction of the love of the Spirit in the body, a.k.a. not apprehending an awakened Shakti. I lament the fact that I may never know or experience external romance and inspiration again. And, perhaps the most specific to my incarnation (and maybe the biggest regret), is that I may never bring forth the final objects of my artistic vision. There is simply too much of a distance between what I have created already and what is yet to be fixed into reality. There are so many ideas waiting for expression that I have been mulling over, letting percolate for years. It haunts me.
Anyways, I wish I had some more uplifting news, and I don’t want to alarm anyone. And just to be crystal clear, I know where to find the resources I need should I need or want them. This is an “aviate, navigate, communicate” situation, and I’m just focused on aviating now that the navigation is complete. Sometimes when things go sideways for an aircraft and we don’t have any transmission from the pilots, it makes investigation so much harder if things come to a silent end. So yeah…a transmission while I’m able.
With love from the former k.cherry,
Dream Weaver
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Edited by - DreamWeaver on Oct 29 2022 10:53:39 PM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2022 : 06:31:29 AM
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Wow. Thank you for the sharing. Courage in the face of terror.
Best of luck on your journey!
Sey  |
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Dogboy
USA
2195 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2022 : 12:59:27 AM
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You are experiencing a lot. Remember to be in silence daily, it is your best hope for clarity
Godspeed! |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2022 : 05:56:11 AM
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| Dreamweaver, I like your new name too. Thanks for sharing so openly. This journey of self discovery is certainly punctuated by periods that expose many of our vulnerabilities and disappointments. I am finding facing my disappointments, acknowledging them, and releasing them leads to integration and forward movement. It seems there is no way to grow without some growing pains along the way. As Yogani often says pain is a part of the journey, suffering is optional. Keep at it and keep us updated. |
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Blanche
USA
859 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2022 : 4:08:40 PM
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Hi DreamWeaver,
The name you chose is significant: It suggests navigating the realm in between, the dream world. You know that the material reality is not the ultimate truth, but you are not heading straight for the ultimate reality. In monastic world, the time in between is the hardest: one leaves the solid shore of material world, but it is not in sight of the Divine shore. This time often correlates with the dark night of the soul. It is easy to stray away from the path. It is harder to stick with the path.
If you went to the pilgrimage to Ladakh and to the yoga retreat, you would be in a different place. Often obstacles show up when we are at the point of a good decision, when the fate is opening a door. These are trials just like in myths and fairy tales. Pay attention and do not get distracted.
I would tell you only two things:
- Nobody leaves from here by dying. A detour from the path only makes for a longer and more challenging journey.
- Pray with laser-focus and you will get help.
Thinking of you.
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DreamWeaver
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2022 : 10:33:39 PM
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oh god guys, this is going so poorly. I pretty much gave up a few days ago, stopped looking for work, stopped going to meetings, stopped trying in general. I have a few more days in my favorite room in my favorite motel of all time, which at least is a bright point. It's nothing fancy at all, but it has a sort of a retro 50's vibe with bright pastel doors and quaint rotary phones. I was even lucky enough to get the same room I had the night before I left for Isle Royale in August. If this is truly the end of the road, then I'm at least glad to have made it back here.
I get that I can't leave this life by dying, but I also feel like I can't live this life by living. Caught in a crevice of sorts where I'm awake enough to see the Truth isn't what's before my eyes, but too asleep to apprehend the Real thing. Blanche nailed it here. The thing that disturbs me the most, though, is that I've been in this state for years and have, upon reflection, seemed to only degenerate and disintegrate along the way. It's been nine years of this sh*t, and I'm so sick of it.
I came into this world as a cholic-y baby, and although I've done some interesting things along the way I've also never truly thrived in my adult life either. Maybe this is just how it's supposed to be, but I've been through enough cycles of this that I can't conjure up the hope I used to be able to. Am I seriously going to just live for the sake of slogging through the unfulfilling tedium of daily life just because of, well, "progress on the spiritual path?" I'm not sure...even if I just arrive back here in another form, something's got to give in the immediate reality.
I will say, though, that the backpacking trip to Isle Royale was one of the most incredibly synchronistic, positive experiences of my life. I've hardly ever been so proud of myself or felt so fulfilled. It was a bucket-list wish that I never dreamed I would achieve, let alone by myself. And it's where I got this name. In a very real way, I feel like the man who was picked up 5 days and 50 miles later on the opposite end of the island was a different man than the one who arrived. But ever since getting back to the mainland it's felt like one closed door after another. Everything is shut! So, some part of me is still holding onto the thought that God's not through with me yet and is just shielding me from bad doorways. I imagine it's kind of like trying to get a spider (maybe an orb-weaver like me!) to crawl into a cup so you can take it outside by blocking every escape to the sides it tries. But another part says, "Nobody's coming for you and you know it. This is what it means to be ALONE."
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Zaelithe
United Kingdom
33 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2022 : 12:24:35 PM
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Hi Dreamweaver,
I hear your pain - it’s tough to feel that sense of existential aloneness at times. You tell us of the most amazing high point of synchronicity on Isle Royale where you became a different person, so something has been working on your path quite recently to keep you moving and growing. You now seem to be in a phase of meaninglessness and tedium which is making you feel that it’s all not worth the effort. Maybe though, to use your own analogy, it is this tedium and the feeling that everything is shut to you that is forcing you to take the one route out - the journey inward. Perhaps you are looking for any other escape route but the one you must now take.
I agree with Blanche, pray (or do whatever comes closest to that for you) with total focus from the heart, spend time in silence and you will find your way.
Sending loving thoughts…..
Z |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2022 : 05:33:52 AM
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Living by Faith. That is what comes to mind.
Sey |
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DreamWeaver
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2022 : 9:23:41 PM
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Thank you everyone for the kind words and thoughts. I'm always impressed and comforted by the wisdom and kindness in this community.
I'm somehow still here. There was essentially only one more door to try, but it was open. I'm now in one of my least favorite cities ever, but I'm in a safe, loving environment. I guess the metaphorical spider is in the cup. I'm grateful for this, but I wish I were even more grateful. I have a truly gracious opportunity to get my life back on track, but I'm so ambivalent about it at this point. I was in a similar position a couple years ago where I moved back in with family after a failed attempt to live in the mountains. Back then I got sober for eight months and managed to kind of get my life back together. That was grace, too, but I HATED that time period and feel genuinely worse off for it in a way. I feel bad that I don't feel more grateful for it. For all of the beautiful moments I've had since then (especially this summer), there's a part of me that wishes I had just died back then or had never been born in the first place.
Although I relate to most of the characters in The Secrets of Wilder in one way or another, I currently feel particularly like a combination of Devi's Father and the homeless man behind the gas station. They both wanted to disappear into the light, but both got stuck at the bottom of a bottle. I feel myself screaming, "This is too much! Just let me out!" I think I believe what Blanche says that nobody gets out of this life by dying. I am curious, though, how this would apply to these two characters. Do they just have to do it all over again? It kind of sounds worth it in the immediacy of all this pain. I'm an addict after all, and we are — almost by definition — all about the sweet deception of temporary relief. Thoughts?
Sometimes I wonder why I even share here since my spiritual and physical life is such a mess. I can't even establish a consistent sitting practice! I feel like an unworthy imposter, but then I remember Ramana Maharshi comparing people to grades of coal around a flame. Sometimes a person is dense and wet, not yet dry enough to ignite, and some others are like gunpowder. Apparently, I'm still damp and drying out, but part of me is awake enough to want to cozy up near the flame Yogani has lit. I'm fairly sure I must have been a horrible person in a previous life (someone like Milarepa comes to mind), and this time around is some sort of chance at atonement and improvement. Nothing else explains the backwards, bullsh*t-laden path I'm on. Either way, the seed was planted a long time ago, because I've had this spiritual impulse my whole life. I mean, I guess I could be literally anywhere else on the internet...but here I am. We all are. Sangha, indeed.
With Love,
Dream Weaver
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Dogboy
USA
2195 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2022 : 03:39:22 AM
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Welcome safe loving environments and simply be there, no expectation or judgement. Be the observer of thoughts, not the thoughts themselves; there are revelations to be had in quiet states.  |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2022 : 11:47:16 PM
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quote:
[/quoteSometimes I wonder why I even share here since my spiritual and physical life is such a mess. I can't even establish a consistent sitting practice! I feel like an unworthy imposter, [quote]
Dreamweaver, All of our lives are imperfect. I've come to see this life as a playground for the soul. An area to build castles and knock them down (and often to have othersknock them down too). Someday we will understand, until then the best we can each do is show up and try our best. In all the stories I've read of people having near death experiences the uniform message they share is of a loving energy out there that is deeply accepting of all of our vulnerabilities and limitations.Be kind to your self during this difficult time. |
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