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Wil
Sweden
150 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 04 2021 : 3:01:30 PM
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Hello,
I can not help but see that when I have skipped doing deep meditation/practices for a period I become very emotional, shy and lazy. I can't help but thinking that I am leaving the 'other-non practicing-me behind by not spending time facing who I am without practice, like I have two children but has neglected one. That said...I deeply know that AYP practice is good for me and that it will keep on being good. Am I missing something, or as I suspect, Am I dividing myself in thoughts while really only going trough a period? Maybe this is sign of the point of no return. Which means no return to 'no practice' which is unthinkable given my long and persistent devotion to meditation.
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zamolxes
Romania
93 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2021 : 4:42:19 PM
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Hi Will,
I can relate very much with you. Due to my over-sensitivity, I had, over time, to increase every week the days I didn't practice, which made the Light shine less on 'me', which made many shadows appear. This makes me think, feel, and act quite differently in comparison to being in the Flow. It can be tiring as well, not being able to be aware of myself makes me pass through very dark emotions.
I think that it is just a phase, like any other in life. A river runs through quite a bunch of sceneries, sometimes it runs smooth down the valley, sometimes it can get quite rocky. Maybe it's a matter of finding a proper balance between ourselves, and bliss.
I too, wouldn't be able to forget the practices. |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2021 : 7:01:24 PM
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| Wil, I can also relate to what you are saying. After practicing for nearly 2 years I have realized these practices create a new focus. I have posted some regarding my fears around this change. I think we each bring our own baggage/karma to these practices. Ultimately it seems this is about discerning the safety and efficacy of these practices. Yogani challenges each of us to do them and judge for ourselves. I am starting to explore self inquiry and there is a growing realization of the need to ultimately let go of the ego. When you say "I deeply know that AYP practice is good for me and that it will keep on being good." It sounds like you already have an inner knowing it is good for you. Im curious what you are afraid of loosing. Who is the neglected child? It sounds like that child is "very emotional, shy and lazy" |
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Gustavo Woltmann
Italy
22 Posts |
Posted - Apr 05 2021 : 10:08:36 AM
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I agree, no neglected children here. Work on yourself, both physically and emotionally.
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Wil
Sweden
150 Posts |
Posted - Apr 06 2021 : 07:46:20 AM
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Hello Zamolxes,
I am guessing that flow means to have our regular daily practice. Great that skipping days of practice works for you, I like the explanation of "the Light shine less on 'me'". I want to consider what you have done, actually I might be clinging to practice too much... Self-inquiry is calling me at the moment but I'll return to the idea of skipping practice. |
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Wil
Sweden
150 Posts |
Posted - Apr 06 2021 : 07:52:46 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by interpaul
Wil, I can also relate to what you are saying. After practicing for nearly 2 years I have realized these practices create a new focus. I have posted some regarding my fears around this change. I think we each bring our own baggage/karma to these practices. Ultimately it seems this is about discerning the safety and efficacy of these practices. Yogani challenges each of us to do them and judge for ourselves. I am starting to explore self inquiry and there is a growing realization of the need to ultimately let go of the ego. When you say "I deeply know that AYP practice is good for me and that it will keep on being good." It sounds like you already have an inner knowing it is good for you. Im curious what you are afraid of loosing. Who is the neglected child? It sounds like that child is "very emotional, shy and lazy"
Hello Interpaul,
I can rephrase it. I do not think I am as much afraid of loosing 'the other neglected child' as I am confused by it. It seems like this comparison is unlike anything else in my life. And I can even go as long as calling practices an escapism. As if practices would be the 'easy mode' of life. I am also exploring self-inquiry gently. Jnana-Releasing (Byron Katie) with my thoughts is what I am doing. But the question 'Who am I?' is extremely exciting, even if I keep it on the shelf. Great that you seem to be on the same page. Furthermore, I have been practicing for 1 year and 4 months. |
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Apr 06 2021 : 11:54:41 AM
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quote:
I can even go as long as calling practices an escapism.
quote:
actually I might be clinging to practice too much
quote:
I deeply know that AYP practice is good for me and that it will keep on being good.
Wil, Your comments above struck a chord with me. I find myself at times torn between two seemingly opposite motivations. You also hint above at wanting to skip practices in your comments to Zamolxes. If you have read most of the lessons you know what the group will say, self pace and ground. Yogani is pretty clear on not stopping practices or any inconsistencies but dialing things back.
I awoke at 5 am this morning with a rare moment of clarity after a disturbing dream. I felt anxious and had deep clarity on many of the struggles I am going through in my life. I was able to sit with the anxious feelings and allow them to teach me what they needed to without pushing them away. I realized this is partly a delayed reaction to adding spinal bastrika to my practices, AND also the practices helping me to address the broken parts. It is interesting the practices can be both an escape from your troubles if you focus on the pleasure alone and also a powerful tool of transformation if you give the inner knowing a chance to be heard. I will acknowledge I am still a work in progress and I do share with you in seeing my potential of escapism and spiritual bypass.
With respect to self inquiry, I am glad to hear you are extremely excited. Yogani shares caution when discussing self inquiry in the same way he does when he introduces any of his practices that increase kundalini. I also wonder if self inquiry may also need some self pacing if you are feeling conflicted.
As a side note, it is helpful to me on a personal level to have dialogue with other brave individuals exploring these practices and show up in a place of vulnerability rather than puffed up bragging about all the scenery. |
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Dogboy
USA
2192 Posts |
Posted - Apr 06 2021 : 7:32:48 PM
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quote:
I awoke at 5 am this morning with a rare moment of clarity after a disturbing dream. I felt anxious and had deep clarity on many of the struggles I am going through in my life. I was able to sit with the anxious feelings and allow them to teach me what they needed to without pushing them away. I realized this is partly a delayed reaction to adding spinal bastrika to my practices, AND also the practices helping me to address the broken parts. It is interesting the practices can be both an escape from your troubles if you focus on the pleasure alone and also a powerful tool of transformation if you give the inner knowing a chance to be heard. I will acknowledge I am still a work in progress and I do share with you in seeing my potential of escapism and spiritual bypass.
Very good insight on the episode and the relationship, the fruits, of AYP practices, especially your “giving the inner knowing a chance to be heard”. As mentioned before energy and bliss follows attention and focus. Should you believe you are ‘escaping’ or ‘directing’ the pleasures that bubble forth, recognize and surrender that ‘action’. Allow bliss to just be, without your influence, attachment, direction. This simple intention (backed by hard earned inner silence) should make you feel better about those pleasurable experiences from your practice. Give samadhi the wheel, and witness. |
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Wil
Sweden
150 Posts |
Posted - Apr 07 2021 : 08:21:24 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by interpaul
Wil, Your comments above struck a chord with me. I find myself at times torn between two seemingly opposite motivations. You also hint above at wanting to skip practices in your comments to Zamolxes. If you have read most of the lessons you know what the group will say, self pace and ground. Yogani is pretty clear on not stopping practices or any inconsistencies but dialing things back.
I awoke at 5 am this morning with a rare moment of clarity after a disturbing dream. I felt anxious and had deep clarity on many of the struggles I am going through in my life. I was able to sit with the anxious feelings and allow them to teach me what they needed to without pushing them away. I realized this is partly a delayed reaction to adding spinal bastrika to my practices, AND also the practices helping me to address the broken parts. It is interesting the practices can be both an escape from your troubles if you focus on the pleasure alone and also a powerful tool of transformation if you give the inner knowing a chance to be heard. I will acknowledge I am still a work in progress and I do share with you in seeing my potential of escapism and spiritual bypass.
With respect to self inquiry, I am glad to hear you are extremely excited. Yogani shares caution when discussing self inquiry in the same way he does when he introduces any of his practices that increase kundalini. I also wonder if self inquiry may also need some self pacing if you are feeling conflicted.
As a side note, it is helpful to me on a personal level to have dialogue with other brave individuals exploring these practices and show up in a place of vulnerability rather than puffed up bragging about all the scenery.
Thank you for reminding by echoing the lessons Interpaul, I keep self pacing close because I am oversensitive. My response was a bit unclear. I don't really consider stopping practices as a way of self pacing. I see it as the only way to meet this 'neglected child-me' again. Still, this is confusing... you should not even compare yourself to yourself in cases like this? That is my best guess right now.
I can relate to your purification episode. For me it seems even more confusing because Brahmacharya, and even the full moon seems to turn a knob on purification. More importantly, I can relate because I may be focusing on the upside of practices. Dogboy makes it quite clear that I am doing this 'action' once something stimulating bubbles up;
quote:
Should you believe you are ‘escaping’ or ‘directing’ the pleasures that bubble forth, recognize and surrender that ‘action’.
I think Self inquiry is the right thing to do for me now but I definetly think that self-pacing has a role in self-inquiry. Practices by itself gives me alot of inquiry; Jnana-natural. To put it out there; I do not think that that Neti Neti/Jnana-negating self inquiry is worth to focus on
A great lesson that guided me on this: https://www.aypsite.org/350.html
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zamolxes
Romania
93 Posts |
Posted - Apr 07 2021 : 11:44:08 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Wil
Hello Zamolxes,
I am guessing that flow means to have our regular daily practice. Great that skipping days of practice works for you, I like the explanation of "the Light shine less on 'me'". I want to consider what you have done, actually I might be clinging to practice too much... Self-inquiry is calling me at the moment but I'll return to the idea of skipping practice.
Yes Will, with the Flow I meant that inner silence, because when I practice regularly I perceive this field of silence in which everything else flows, or rather this silence is my awareness in which things happen.
Who could know if we cling to practices or not? To me, this clinging is also a sign of purification, and of opening. We should do what we feel like doing, if you want to practice, stick to dm and tweak the time until you are comfortable. If you are over-anxious, and the practices do not dissolve these states of mind, that is when you could skip practices a day or two until you recover.
In my case, I stopped because there seemed to be some big obstructions coming out, some things that I unconsciously was clinging too, and still am for all that I know, and when practices begin to work on your sense of self, you feel like the world is falling on your head. Not practicing in this state, in my case at least, makes you feel afraid, anxious, shy, nervous, angry, or many other symptoms, until the dust settles down. Now though, I am again longing for practices, doing a little bit at a time until I feel myself stable.
As Interpaul stated, the practices are for transformation, and we should adapt them to our inner longing, the feeling of inner clarity that knows when to accelerate or to break. Otherwise, if we become overly-dependent trouble follows.
As for the neglected child, he too shall grow up over time. My child, it seems, is going through some existential crisis, finding life meaningless. But what can I do? Except to love myself, be patient and be with the child as a calm presence, allowing its reactions and ideas to be released into stillness. Likewise, I had a strange dream last night, in which I was climbing a mountain. But at the top I was anxious and afraid, hurrying to get down. Spiritual practices, may have seemed to my neglected child as a way of rising from the darkness inherent in the human unconscious, and I climbed the mountain longing for the clear sky. Perhaps I stopped my practices right before throwing myself off of a cliff. Or maybe not, who knows? Kierkegaard said that life can be understood backwards, but can only be lived forwards.
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interpaul
USA
524 Posts |
Posted - Apr 07 2021 : 11:58:50 AM
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Dogboy, Always appreciate your perspective. You know my tendencies well. Seeking a release of the building bramacharya driven energy cultivating practices seems to compel me in the direction of "directing" pleasure. The irony is my kundalini awakening came as a result of the very act of surrender and that was much more pleasurable than any "directed" pleasure seeking. Unfortunately it is hard to not want to experience super charged pleasurable experiences again once experienced. I can understand how people must get hooked on narcotics (fortunately I have not gone down that path).
Wil, I had read the lessons on self inquiry recently and it is somewhat of a black box for me at present. Bramacharya certainly seems to be the secret sauce for this journey but it is challenging managing the journey. Dogboy does point the way, one of surrender rather than pursuit. Dialing back practices is hard to do once one feels the benefits. I was thinking about the idea of setting personal boundaries. Many people seem to fail. With respect to AYP I pushed ahead too quickly in the beginning and experienced my first panic attack due to energy overload. The challenge with the boundary is focusing on avoiding the energy overload and all its negative consequences rather than acknowledging the underliying motivation, i.e. the draw of the pleasurable experience. One has to let go of something one likes to avoid something one doesen't like. Self pacing is that act of self regulation. Clearly we humans are victims of our vices. My sense is the magic of AYP comes from the commmitment to the boundaries, and letting go samyama style. |
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