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 Satsang Cafe - General Discussions on AYP
 Oscillating between light and dark
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k.cherry

USA
31 Posts

Posted - Jul 22 2020 :  11:58:19 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Message
Hello everyone,

I'm a long-time reader/seeker but don't post very often. I don't know what I'm looking for...maybe just some reassurance or wondering if anybody else can relate.

I've undergone a lot of changes in the past couple years. My marriage to my long-time best friend and high school sweetheart failed painfully, I moved across the country to work for my dad (major Karmic irritant for me to face), and I now live alone in a very remote little village in the Northern Sierra Nevada. The story of how I got here is long, but suffice it to say that most of what I thought I knew about myself has been stripped away and I am alone and feel completely naked in the sight of the Lord. I have no question or doubt that this is where I'm supposed to be, but it's anything but sweet surrender. I feel spiritually ill, like sick to my stomach and maybe faint and delirious from some sort of metaphorical blood loss.


As the Lord seems so adept at doing, he brought somebody into my life last year at just the right time. Although she wasn't a formal spiritual teacher, it was like her presence literally opened something energetically in the back of my chest. It was like my eyes opened and all of a sudden my experience of being out in public was like looking at a war zone where everyone was in pain and confused, and that the highest expression of love would be to wake up out of the confusion and give to those in need. I saw this as my future, and I have had no doubt about it since. However, alongside that steady stream of sober love of reality has been the emergence of the darkest parts of myself I could ever think of. I mean, to the same degree that there is all-embracing love, there is vicious poison and hatred. And it cycles constantly from moment to moment. Psychologically, I can understand this as a life-long reaction to feeling chronically misunderstood, underestimated, and cast aside. Spiritually, however, it feels more like the old ways know they're dying, and so the mental tendencies have been turned up to a blaring volume. I drink way too much. I smoke way too much weed. I isolate beyond what's sensible even during a pandemic. Yet somehow I know this is the only way for me.

I wonder if what's happening is that I'm being asked to use the heart to discern the "good" from the "bad" energies and sort through the contents that have been there all along. If the heart is like the energetic immune system, perhaps fighting the dark parts within is what is making me feel sick? Like, they're active so I can see them? Like a fever. Either way, I feel simultaneously close to both enlightenment and calamity!

Any thoughts or advice would be eternally appreciated.

Love with no poison

interpaul

USA
155 Posts

Posted - Jul 22 2020 :  3:04:14 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
k.cherry, A lot of people are having many different reactions to the current pandemic. I oscillate between engagement/optimism and a need to retreat inward. As a health care provider I've seen many different responses in the last few months. I wouldn't beat yourself up about this normal human experience. If you feel like you are drinking and smoking too much and isolating yourself more than is healthy, consider these symptoms of your reaction to the pandemic. Being aware of these less than ideal coping strategies can at least give you the space to acknowledge them and work towards a more healthy path forward Good luck to you.
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k.cherry

USA
31 Posts

Posted - Jul 22 2020 :  9:26:23 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Interpaul. did you really just try to tell me I'm just reacting hard to the pandemic? No.
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interpaul

USA
155 Posts

Posted - Jul 23 2020 :  02:30:21 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
k.cherry, Sorry if my response didn't address all the issues raised in your note. It is clear rereading it you have a lot going on. I think I got caught up at the end when you said "I isolate beyond what's sensible even during a pandemic". Your comments about drinking and smoking too much all reminded me of many people who have admitted to drinking and getting high too much lately. I think it would be really hard to unpack all you've shared without knowing you a lot better. When you say "it feels like the old ways know they're dying" that is hopeful. I do believe your struggles are easy to relate to as we all struggle at some level dealing with opposites. Embracing your shadow is often a good place to start in finding the light.
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SeySorciere

Seychelles
1255 Posts

Posted - Jul 24 2020 :  02:44:36 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Dear KC

Sounds like you are undergoing a kundalini awakening with too much purification going on. This will oscillate you from 'light and love' of the higher realms one moment and into the 'poison and hate' of the lower realms the next. Light and dark, both are within us. Accepting our dark sides while still choosing the Light is necessary.


You need to ground. Do you have a spiritual practice? Are you an AYPer?

If yes, please read up on and practice Self-pacing. If you tell us more about your practices, we can better guide you.


Sey

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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1595 Posts

Posted - Jul 25 2020 :  10:39:37 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
hi k.cherry

quote:
Originally posted by k.cherry
However, alongside that steady stream of sober love of reality has been the emergence of the darkest parts of myself I could ever think of. I mean, to the same degree that there is all-embracing love, there is vicious poison and hatred.


It's a normal result of a regular meditation practice, beginning to see parts of ourselves that we ignored before. Sometimes it's as sudden as if a curtain had been lifted. And the sight can be quite shocking.

quote:
Originally posted by k.cherry
it feels more like the old ways know they're dying,


Yes, when you begin to see, you begin to change.

If it's overwhelming, self-pace as Sey has already suggested.

If you could replace drinking and smoking weed with grounding, that would be much better. Drugs will not help you find stability. What have you tried to get yourself away from these?

Best wishes to you.
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k.cherry

USA
31 Posts

Posted - Aug 16 2020 :  09:35:56 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I'm very sorry, interpaul; you offered me a helpful perspective, and I was dismissive and rude. Thank you for your encouragement. Please forgive me.

Thanks, BlueRaincoat. Yes, the drugs have brought great instability. Since I first posted, I've sought treatment for the drug use and it is coming under control slowly but surely.

quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
Sounds like you are undergoing a kundalini awakening with too much purification going on. This will oscillate you from 'light and love' of the higher realms one moment and into the 'poison and hate' of the lower realms the next.

This seems right, intuitively. I'm imagining the oscillations that come from going too fast on a skateboard or something. Similarly, the wings of an airplane will flutter if it flies too fast. The solution is the same in both cases: slow down or you're gonna eat it!

quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
You need to ground. Do you have a spiritual practice? Are you an AYPer?

My spiritual practices are very inconsistent. I've gone through stints of AYP, and I'm very drawn to it and this community, but discipline in any area of my life has been difficult. I think my ideal practice would be AYP + asanas. As far as grounding, I'm removing the drugs and eating some heavier foods, and this seems to a good start. Thank you.

KC
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interpaul

USA
155 Posts

Posted - Aug 17 2020 :  01:19:30 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
K.cherry, Thank you for your apology. So glad to hear you are on a better path. Life can be really hard sometimes. Slowing down and regrouping can be a challenge. The first step is becoming aware of where you struggle. Sounds like you are making excellent choices and moving in the right direction.
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