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 Satsang Cafe - General Discussions on AYP
 are children our best gurus?
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glamao

France
6 Posts

Posted - Jul 14 2020 :  08:00:13 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Message
Hello, I have been practicing AYP for 18 months. I am married and the father of two boys, aged 8 and 6. I sometimes have the impression that the biggest challenge is to make the inner silence last in the midst of a dense and intense family life. It is not always obvious to release in the inner silence the angers, the agitation and the cries of the children. The outputs of practices are sometimes a bit rough, when the children are well agitated. It looks like if the behavior of my children challenged the fruits of the practice and returned me to blockages and impurities still to dissolve. Much like a guru would do with a disciple.
Among the family responsible practitioners, what are the phases you have gone through, what are the lessons you learned from an AYP practice in the middle of a family life? Yogani gives us his case as an example, to show that there is no obstacle to awakening and that there is no need to retire to the bottom of a cave. Advices ?
Thanks to the AYP family

interpaul

USA
145 Posts

Posted - Jul 14 2020 :  12:00:16 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Glamao, Welcome to the forum. I am a father of three teenagers. I have been practicing AYP for 13 months. I find the practices have forced me to do a regular inventory of my level of presence in the family. I tend towards introspection and have always favored the gentle approach to parenting (my wife is more of a hot head). I find I am able to handle stress with a calmer self but in quiet moments I do feel a reckoning at times with my inner demons as AYP is slowly burning away my defense mechanisms. My sense is we slowly become more who we truly are good and bad (integrated and accepting). The anger and agitation will likely ease as you go deeper into the practices. I personally wasn't able to carve out the time when my kids were younger so it is hard to know how well I'd be handling your situation.
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glamao

France
6 Posts

Posted - Jul 14 2020 :  2:04:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
It is true that our children send back to us the best and the worst in us, like a mirror. What seems contradictory is that it is said that where a yogi lives, calm and serenity reign. Rome is not made in a day...
Thank you Interpaul for your advice.
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maheswari

Lebanon
2391 Posts

Posted - Jul 15 2020 :  01:59:26 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hello glamao
I dont have kids
It might be useful to look about pre concieved ideas that we pick up like:it is said where a yogi lives, calm... reigns
The yogi does not control his environment, he just minds his own business and let the world be as it is.That does not mean being passive, it means acting when the need of wise action is possible and necessary
The same applies for kids, or anything else....
It is not easy to raise kids but the idea of creating a calm environment when it is not calm in reality, is just creating more frustration and agitation in you.Take your hands off the wheel a bit.
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glamao

France
6 Posts

Posted - Jul 15 2020 :  11:28:35 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
This looks like stillness in action, cultivating aparigraha and santosha.
Thanks Maheshwari
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maheswari

Lebanon
2391 Posts

Posted - Jul 15 2020 :  1:01:33 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi glamao
i am not sure those 2 sanskrit words you mentioned apply.
It is not really about stillness in action either.
It is dropping your self exhausting attempts to change the world and people and make them something that they are not in reality.
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Dogboy

USA
1749 Posts

Posted - Jul 15 2020 :  10:33:36 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I’ve added the Samyama sutras Patience and Playfulness to aid in raising my autistic daughter, aspiring to bring that into fatherhood. Witness and Inner Guru have helped a bad situation from spiraling into a worse one by reading the moment and redirecting my attention, to the situation at hand inside me and out. Stillness is there for the asking.
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sunyata

USA
1423 Posts

Posted - Jul 16 2020 :  1:37:49 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi glamao,

Like you, I have 6 and 9 year old boys. They are gifts from the Universe. Life is one big adventure/party with them.

I'm sure you're doing an amazing job as a yogi father.


Edited by - sunyata on Jul 16 2020 4:09:18 PM
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glamao

France
6 Posts

Posted - Jul 17 2020 :  06:12:08 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thank you for your encouragement, your advice and sharing. I wish you good practices and a good trip on the AYP road
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pkj

USA
155 Posts

Posted - Jul 17 2020 :  6:55:59 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Glamao,

I have 9 year old son. I learn so much from him especially when he asks all kind of questions. I think we can test our progress with kids as well. So it is learning while on the job that is way I think.

All the best.

PKJ
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Blanche

USA
627 Posts

Posted - Jul 18 2020 :  07:26:12 AM  Show Profile  Visit Blanche's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
“If you think you are enlightened, spend some time with your family,” goes the saying. Our inner circle knows us well, knows our triggers and sticky spots. People close to us hold a mirror in front of our face. As a mother of two college-age children, I agree that they are some of my best teachers. I let them know every day that they are loved, that I am not perfect, and I am always doing my best. The children are individuals in their own right in the family, but they are not the leaders of the family. The parents are the ones in charge, with the children taking more and more responsibilities as they grow up, preparing them for an adult life.

Raising children is a team work, so my husband and I talk often in private about the best way to deal with different situations. Parents should present a united team, make loving and clear boundaries for the children, and avoid getting involved in the small disputes. In a family with two children, a typical pattern of conflict is for each parent to take the side of a child, with the parents continuing to argue opposite sides even after the children moved on. This conflict style weakens the family in time. It is a good idea to ask your children to solve their own problems. Step in if there is an issue of safety (“No hitting,” etc.), and tell them to solve their problem or they both will suffer the consequences. It is a great lesson for the children to practice how to deal with each other, how to deal with other people, and this will bring your children even closer. I tell them, The easiest thing in life is to fight with others, the hardest is to get along. People often notice how well our children get along.

Children are people of their own, flowers in the garden of the family. They come in their life with their own karma, and they have to live their own life. They are made aware that they have choices, and their choices have consequences; they have to deal with the consequences of their choices; they are aware that everything is transitory; they are encouraged to produce more than they consume (watching videos is consuming, writing stories is producing, etc.) They are treated fairly; they are supported in their endeavors, but not in the detriment of others (parents have right, too). They learn about responsibility, reciprocity, and respect. They learn about their spiritual dimensions, and they are allowed to make choices about spiritual practices. Close relationships, family relationships make for some of the most intense and interesting schools in life. Enjoy the ride!
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Cato

Germany
96 Posts

Posted - Jul 18 2020 :  3:37:35 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Blanche, I liked "they are encouraged to produce more than they consume (watching videos is consuming, writing stories is producing, etc.)".

We have twins, a girl and a boy, at the age of 3 and they are the best part of my daily life. However, they clearly show my limits. My wife is a patient person and I tend to react strict and less patient. I try to improve, it seems a long way...
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Blanche

USA
627 Posts

Posted - Jul 18 2020 :  8:59:24 PM  Show Profile  Visit Blanche's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Cato,
Congratulations! How marvelous to raise twins! Try to have fun! This is a fun journey. We are meant to be happy. Your children will grow fast, even if every day is an eternity Also, they do the best they know. Their brain is not fully developed. If you think about that, you cannot really get upset. Make sure you and your wife get others to help, get breaks, go on dates, have some grown-up time. Enjoy your time with the kids - and they will love their time with you!

Edited by - Blanche on Jul 18 2020 9:03:13 PM
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Presence Light

Algeria
16 Posts

Posted - Jul 19 2020 :  01:51:24 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
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glamao

France
6 Posts

Posted - Aug 17 2020 :  1:10:50 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thank you all for your advice and suggestions.
After a month, things are clearer and easier. I understood that what I sometimes took for an obstacle is in reality a great opportunity for progress and the opportunity to generously put oneself at the service. Like a Dharma. I understand how to take advantage of every moment of family life, while fully integrating it into my practices. I made some adjustments: now I always take 10 minutes of rest after practices (compared to five before) and I modified the last samyama sutra (I chose benevolent parenting). Good ideas. Good things are happening and the balance is struck.
I wish you a nice journey to our common destination.
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Dogboy

USA
1749 Posts

Posted - Aug 17 2020 :  1:54:00 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
One of my daughters is autistic and prone to aggression, so I know chaos (inside and out) can bubble up at any time! A disciplined practice has afforded me in those moments to witness what is unfolding and behave much like a border collie rounding up a flock. A disciplined practice has afforded me the gift to inquire “where is the silence in this moment?” and wouldn’t you know, there it is!

Never bypass the opportunity to rest a touch more.
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