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 Satsang Cafe - General Discussions on AYP
 a cry for help
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lotusborn

Greece
4 Posts

Posted - Mar 26 2020 :  3:24:07 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Message
tl;dr: I want a teacher, books can't be a substitute
Greetings everyone,
this is mostly a cry for help, so I won't hassle around and blabber (a lot), but get straight to the point. It's been more than a decade since I've been addicted to porn and derivatives of it (particularly drawing the fantasies). It's a world of illusions.
In order to channel the energy built-up and avoid the abysmal energy loss of post-ejaculation, I've been dabbling with taoist and tantric techniques for at least 7 years, but the energy that builts up with fantasies seems to be too much to handle, at least 70% of times, (I have managed to dissipate it upwards the spine/all over the body at times).
This habit has been my refuge and emotional vent valve since my first contact with my adolescent sexuality. Whenever consensus reality sh*t hits the fan, about 80% of times I'll be heading to that deceptive, ultimately self-defeating habit, feeling stolen of vigour, energy and willpower. I'm sure there are hell a lot of people struggling with such issues in this chaotic world we get spawned into.
Moreover, I feel defeated by and a slave to the feminine, ending up in a vicious cycle of adoring it and passionately hating it, which translates of course into relationships too, into idolizing then impossibly demonizing the person that has captured my fancy. In essense, I feel like I've given tremendous power over me, to the feminine, and I'm not even remotely sure of how to take it back.

To wrap it all up, I would welcome any suggestions, resources or books, but especially
suggestions about a teacher. I'm absolutely open to a teacher of energetics of tantra/kundalini/taoism at this time, who doesn't leave sex out of the equation as most spiritual traditions do (it's a volatile topic and energy, and no wonder most religions/traditions are distinctively appalled by it so far). It's been a long time since I've been putting my need for a teacher off.
Thank you for your time and any suggestion

Edited by - lotusborn on Mar 26 2020 3:45:17 PM

Dogboy

USA
1702 Posts

Posted - Mar 26 2020 :  9:13:10 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hello lotusborn, welcome.

Sorry to hear of your troubles. You do not mention if you have a meditation practice, AYP or otherwise, and if you donít, you should. AYP is designed to facilitate inner silence (via deep meditation) first, and energy practices later. This is a proven system that builds a solid foundation of spiritual progress. Delving into energy practices (tantra, for instance) before having sufficient inner silence is unstable and dangerous.

Inner silence, over time, will also help you witness the sexuality cage you have locked yourself in, to examine this world of illusion and vortex of shame and loss from a perspective both inside and out simultaneously, and nudge you to better decision making. Inner silence helps you deal in uncertain times and negative histories with the rise of Witness, giving you a buffer from your suffering. Inner silence encourages surrender of attachments. Inner silence, over time, programs your neurobiology towards natural vajroli, when sexual essence flows upward naturally, without intention or direction. Inner silence will help you realize there is no need to enslave yourself to the other sex, to find the sweet spot between adoration and hatred, and even then not to attach yourself there, just acknowledge and release. You are not that, you just donít realize that at present.

My advice is to abandon these energetic practices until you have built your foundation of inner silence. https://www.aypsite.org/10.html

Edited by - Dogboy on Mar 26 2020 9:14:12 PM
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lotusborn

Greece
4 Posts

Posted - Mar 27 2020 :  11:43:53 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thank you for your reply, your advice seems like the missing piece in that puzzle
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interpaul

USA
91 Posts

Posted - Mar 28 2020 :  1:15:59 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Lotusborn, I too have struggled with porn addiction for many years. AYP practices have been very helpful for me to channel the sexual energy. Prior to AYP I had done some of the Taoist stuff life you(Mantak Chia). All of these practices, including AYP, do not address the underlying struggle directly. It is true thru AYP you will gradually free up many of the "obstructions" to use Yogani's terms, it will require additional personal work to find the path to freedom from that attachment. There are many ways to take this on. Sites like "nofap" and "your brain on porn" are helpful for gaining perspective. Nofap, in the "hard mode" is the practice of completely eliminating the connection between porn, masturbation and orgasm (No PMO). I did that and that led to my kundalini awakening, which ultimately ended up having me explore Taoist practices and finally AYP. The hard part is you have to deal with the craving for orgasm at the heart of these intense energy practices you've been doing. AYP can also cause you to experience "too much to handle" so you need to be careful. There are many posts on this site from people who have had the harmful effects of too much energy. I personally don't think there is a book to solve this. Individual therapy can be very helpful as we each have different experiences that led to our using pornography to self soothe. The combination of insight into the cause and spiritual practices to redirect the energy should help you find your way. I have been on this journey for a long time. Yogani's teachings are very systematic and clearly explained. My biggest advice is to head his words about self pacing. I am 10 months into my practices and I've had to repeatedly hold off on moving forward in my practices. His teachings are meant to be done over years, not months. Feel free to reach out if you have additional questions.
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lotusborn

Greece
4 Posts

Posted - Mar 28 2020 :  4:36:34 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Interpaul, thank you for your response, it helps me dig further into the issue
Yogani's teachings seem to be focused in removing the obstructions, which seem to be the root of the problem, namely wrong or distorted views about pleasure, impossible and actually pointless desires, and of course the emotional undercurrents that trigger the addiction (also, being a built-in, dna induced drive, sexuality can be quite a hydra itself!).
Still, 2 days into the I AM meditation and I can dare to say it already feels like the energy gets safely dissipated through the body, casual pleasure and silent bliss kick in, plus the needed cleansing of impressions and a sprinkle of insight (I am used to meditating, but in a highly cherry-picking tradition-wise and erratic manner, thus 20 mins twice a day seems quite minimal and straightforward, like an older regimen of zazen I used to follow, I like that a lot, in contrast to the maximal exercise buffets of let's say yogi Bhajan's books, oh dear Fnord, outright confusing!)
Cheers!
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interpaul

USA
91 Posts

Posted - Mar 28 2020 :  9:16:30 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Lotusborn, 30 minutes twice daily adds up a lot over time. Don't underestimate how powerful the practice will become if you stick with it. Don't be too hard on yourself if you experience set backs. Porn addiction won't just melt away with AYP practices. Now 10 months in I feel a new energy in my body (ecstatic conductivity). This has taken many months to manifest and gives me hope I don't have to feel so compelled towards the less healthy porn path. The challenge is still on a daily basis to manage the energy and not fall into old habits. Yogani does say the addictions tend to melt away gradually over time if they aren't too severe and I believe that is likely true. You are fortunate to have found these teachings, I was directed here by a guy on the nofap website and it has been these practices have truly changed my life.
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lotusborn

Greece
4 Posts

Posted - Mar 29 2020 :  1:13:49 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
It already seems mighty powerful, as you've mentioned!
I sincerely hope that our mental and emotional blocks will melt away (at least before we do )
It seems to me like a solid and gradual system, that indeed seems to take years to integrate in oneself as a practice, not in months, as you've said.
One of my chronic mistakes (I'm not absolute about that, since I've come to encounter many practices and can draw comparisons between them) was to try and force many practices and techniques upon each other, usually from different traditions, with zero guidance (I'm kind of suspicious of groups and teachers, and schools, more so when it comes to metaphysics and systems of "energy" filled with archetypes and the appropriate reverence and all, that needs to be paid to these or else, group think, certain rigid, impossibly "moral" individuals (read "desperate imbeciles"), in conclusion I've been bothered much by the dogmatism that can solidify and restrict the practicioners, rendering them one-dimensional puppets to say the least, but what can I say, I'm a robot myself too ).
Anyway, this practice seems fine to me for the next 2 years or so, even more probably, since it hasn't brought rigid bhakti, metaphysical or moralistic woowoo on the menu yet, so I can digest it for the meantime.
(Being brought up in a christian environment has made me allergic to forced hypocricy and moralistic dictatorship, I prefer natural, casual, human hypocricy instead )
Cheerio!

Edited by - lotusborn on Mar 29 2020 1:42:40 PM
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interpaul

USA
91 Posts

Posted - Mar 29 2020 :  2:33:35 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Lotusborn, Yogani has offered his teachings without any of the trappings of a teacher. I've had some reservation accepting them without some skepticism but the proof is coming from just doing the practices. I think you will find them rewarding based on your experience. The only negative I have found is, other than the support of this forum (which seems less engaged than it had in the past), you are pretty much on your own. Good luck. I hope you find this a fruitful path.
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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1543 Posts

Posted - Mar 29 2020 :  2:58:40 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Don't forget AYP Plus, Interpaul. It has its own forum where, for a very modest monthly fee, you get all the support you need, as well as access to all of Yogani's writings to date.
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Dogboy

USA
1702 Posts

Posted - Mar 29 2020 :  6:57:54 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Believe he is already there, Blue!
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interpaul

USA
91 Posts

Posted - Mar 30 2020 :  3:53:28 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
BlueRaincoat, Yes, Dogboy is correct. I do have an AYP plus account, and do find the support their useful. My comments may be colored by the feelings of alienation I feel in the current setting of shelter in place due to the coronavirus outbreak
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