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nic

USA
49 Posts

Posted - May 25 2017 :  6:38:09 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Message
Since my kundalini awakening, which has been very mild by the way, I've been trying to go out into the world. But I am having all of these problems.

I've always felt like the bystander, the scientist, always in total fascination and observation of the world and people. I don't feel like I am a part of this world at times. Especially when I speak to people. The questions always arise “Why can't I just be you, and go in your body? Why are we separate? Why this need to speak vocally?” It drives me nuts, so when I do speak to people I again feel like a witness. A soon as I speak, I feel like a single point watching all the masks I could grab to use for speaking. I see all of their masks as they speak as well. It brings deep anxiety. Really, I just want to use telepathy. Really the idea of speaking and even taking action seems like an irrelevant effort in my life; just witnessing is all I ever want to do. I don't know what this is exactly, perhaps anxiety, but I don't feel it coming off others so much.

People do not take this lightly, even though I seem like a young innocent girl, I have an air of stoic judgment to others- almost melancholy at times.

I felt I really needed a job and I did get one at a day care, but after the first day of work, I was never called back. Admittedly it is hard being around people. All of the children running around, and all of these women screaming at them, pulling them down, grabbing them, not letting these infants and tots take an inch. Even though I was very caring, I feel people don't like me because I identity deeply with the child. I try to feel them and get on their level. I know they never called me because I am “passive."

I don't know how to get out of this “state” of witnessing all of these masks of myself and others, I've tried to pick one- that's a joke in itself. I don't know how to remain calm when I am intimidated by the beauty and magic of the universe.

Anyone else ever get stuck here?





Dogboy

USA
1584 Posts

Posted - May 25 2017 :  10:02:34 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Nic, welcome

This sounds like an anxiety-related condition, although I am not a mental health specialist. Have you been, or do you feel the need, to consult a specialist? If it is truly debilitating for you, if you truly have trouble staying calm, maybe you should consider it. There is no shame in seeking another's perspective, any you may be dealing with some type of chemical imbalance. Relating to others when you don't feel relatable does sound like a chore for you. Do you have any close friends or family that you feel comfortable with?

Do you have a meditation practice? This could help in tapping stillness within the witnessing, and possibly opening yourself to your interconnectiveness with others, for I am certain we are all ladled out of the same pot of stew.

Then again, you could be a natural scientist, or artist, or writer. You have a keen observation, and ask yourself some terrific questions. Maybe take a Public Speaking class at your local community college. My father taught one and heard many testimonials from students how it improved their confidence with words and speaking.

There is also something to be said about operating out of your "wheelhouse", knowing what you are and how you best operate and going with that with love and passion in your heart. And to play my own devil's advocate, there's something to be said about facing what you dread, putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and testing your mettle, for only by pushing boundries can you grow out of dreading.

All the answers are inside you somewhere, you have to find a way to tease them out of the shadows. You are not as alone as you may think I hope other voices chime in for you.
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Charliedog

1551 Posts

Posted - May 26 2017 :  04:00:03 AM  Show Profile  Visit Charliedog's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Nic,

Great reply from dogboy already The greatest gift you can give yourself is to know yourself. To know who we are is to know all the others as ourself. Maybe you can find someone in your surroundings you can trust and talk to? I can relate from youth to some of your witness issues and yoga/meditation was/is the way for me to live from the heart and to see others as myself.

it could be helpful to see everyone as vulnerable as yourself, even if they scream, jell etc. and I know this is not easy. We all have our story, our karmic obstructions and we all have a desire to love and be loved, also that is not always easy.

Spiritual practice will make you stronger. For me the start was with asana, I could literaly feel strenght in the body, it showed me the inner fire in myself. Yoga helped me to face my shadow side and to deal with it. It helped me to take decisions, take unpredictable routes. AdvancedYogaPractices could be your friend/lover/all you need. Not in one day, it will be a journey for life, but looking back we see the change we made.

This lesson might give you some insights http://www.aypsite.org/392.html

Love Strength Unity

PS Maybe you can find an experienced yoga teacher, someone who is really grounded and teaches you how to be strong and balanced in the body.
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sunyata

USA
1395 Posts

Posted - May 26 2017 :  09:38:00 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
Originally posted by Charliedog

H AdvancedYogaPractices could be your friend/lover/all you need. Not in one day, it will be a journey for life, but looking back we see the change we made.




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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1486 Posts

Posted - May 26 2017 :  2:06:37 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Nic

There was a thread started by you back in March where we established you were going to a crown opening. Have you been following the advice Christi gave you then?

Take care and all the best to you.
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nic

USA
49 Posts

Posted - May 26 2017 :  6:53:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thank you all

Dogboy- I don't find that my issue is detrimental thankfully, perhaps I've always seen myself as a scientist and induced a sort of hypersensitivity when it comes to being in public. I try to do random practices when I am out walking on a busy street. I play this game with myself where I look at each person in the eye. It was scary at first and I was worried I would seem creepy, but the greatest outcome I have found through it is actually seeing the innocence/inner child in every single person. I am trying to keep being more grounding these days, so I layed off meditation for awhile and am slowly incorporating it back.

Charliedog- I really understand what you mean by cultivating inner strength. I've been in those zones where that inner warrior comes out and I end up making it a goal to always break past self limitations. It can bring a great high and expansion. Yet I do tend to cycle back here, but this time it feels like an even deeper spiral now that the kundalini is added!

BlueRainCoat- I did take Christi's advice and stopped my practices for awhile and kept grounding. I do feel very much more like myself and stable, I just face triggering when I go outside. You would consider a premature crown opening to have an effect on communication and anxiety?
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Charliedog

1551 Posts

Posted - May 27 2017 :  03:18:54 AM  Show Profile  Visit Charliedog's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
Charliedog- I really understand what you mean by cultivating inner strength. I've been in those zones where that inner warrior comes out and I end up making it a goal to always break past self limitations. It can bring a great high and expansion. Yet I do tend to cycle back here, but this time it feels like an even deeper spiral now that the kundalini is added!



Hi Nic,

This journey will be with ups and downs, we have to work the body, the mind, grounding, patience, self-pace etc. We need a goal, a desire to work for. Asana/pranayama/meditation we can use it and grow stronger, really. Step by step.

We have to physically, mentally practice, reading about it is not working it has to become a loving discipline in our lives, like taking a shower.

And sometimes we have to do something in life which scares us, makes us angry, makes us cry. On the other end we will come out so much stronger.

We have a choice in work for instance, if we are that sensitive we can choose to work in an environment that soothes us, and sometimes that means we have to change jobs or take up study.

Nic, I really hear you, your thread 'issues communicating' could have been written by me years ago. The awakening brings often first chaos but it becomes easier when we find the discipline to daily practice. Days of self-pace practice could mean just take a long walk or do some household work like cleaning.


edit expression.


Edited by - Charliedog on May 27 2017 06:53:42 AM
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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1486 Posts

Posted - May 27 2017 :  05:54:03 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
Originally posted by nic
You would consider a premature crown opening to have an effect on communication and anxiety?

Yes, it will affect every part of our emotional life.
It is also possible that you might have to manage an increased level of sensitivity to practices for some time yet. Careful self-pacing is the word. Also lots of grounding. Experiment with ways of growing the Silence without hiking the energy too much, perhaps a gentle form of meditation.
Are you doing any practices at the moment?
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nic

USA
49 Posts

Posted - May 27 2017 :  09:44:38 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thanks Charliedog, it really helps to know I am not alone. This awakening has honestly made me feel like I've been hit by a cosmic 2x4, and now I am slowly coming back into the world; with self pacing acting as a life boat haha!


Thank you BlueRaincoat, I think my downfall was associating the crown opening with cosmic consciousness. Instead I experienced many months of total paranoia and bi polar behavior; as well as very visual psychic phenomena. On the flip side, I think I hopefully may have purified a lot. I don't feel activity in the crown anymore really(hopefully that means its closed?), or kundalini much for that matter. Just waves of heat in the lower back and stomach area. I have recently picked up my practice again which involves 2x daily 5 minutes of SB and 20 minutes of DM along with gentle asanas. If you think a different set of practices would be more ideal please let me know.
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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1486 Posts

Posted - May 27 2017 :  11:00:48 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
HI Nic

It totally depends on how you feel on this routine. If you are stable and daily life is good and comfortable, great. If, on the other hand, you have bouts of strong emotion, anxiety and difficulties in your social interactions it's worth exploring a gentler form of meditation. See lesson 367 for that.

After a turbulent kundalini awakening it's best to start from a blank slate with practices - add them in one by one, experiment with the length of sittings, back off if you become unstable. Grounding is a must.

Good luck! let us know how you get on

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nic

USA
49 Posts

Posted - May 27 2017 :  11:22:11 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thank you BlueRaincoat, You're very right. I am realizing I am sensitive through that lesson. I was just doing my practice earlier and felt like my head was in a vice grip and my lower spine feels like a volcano that wants to erupt its very nerve-racking during dm.

I will keep grounding and lower my practice times.
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Dogboy

USA
1584 Posts

Posted - May 28 2017 :  07:25:59 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:

Dogboy- I don't find that my issue is detrimental thankfully, perhaps I've always seen myself as a scientist and induced a sort of hypersensitivity when it comes to being in public. I try to do random practices when I am out walking on a busy street. I play this game with myself where I look at each person in the eye. It was scary at first and I was worried I would seem creepy, but the greatest outcome I have found through it is actually seeing the innocence/inner child in every single person.


LOL I do this too! If you add a smile, they often greet you, light reflecting light
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nic

USA
49 Posts

Posted - May 28 2017 :  8:23:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Oh yeah Dogboy, its awesome to see the shift, we're all really just little kids playing roles as adults haha :P
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