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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Apr 12 2016 :  09:32:20 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Message
I'm sure a lot of you guys have been through this.

I've been acting like an ass recently. When I do this, I suffer a great deal. My stories don't hold up very long.

Yesterday, I was meditating, afterward I felt like I needed to lay down and die. I know it sounds awful, but anyway. I just am sick of nothing ever being it ( Ya know?). So I laid down and didn't do anything. There were sweeps and sweeps of energy through different layers. What I was calling the witness wasn't there. It was nothing doing all this something.

When I got to the dying part, I didn't see chakras or anything. I saw a blinding light. I got pulled back by fear.

Today, my body feels very light. I can't find a witness. I still have lots of thought. I feel like nobody is doing a bunch of something. I still feel like I need to lay down and die, but I am too afraid when the time comes to do it.

Edited by - lalow33 on Apr 12 2016 09:33:29 AM

sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Apr 12 2016 :  10:01:11 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:

I'm sure a lot of you guys have been through this.

I've been acting like an ass recently. When I do this, I suffer a great deal. My stories don't hold up very long.

Yesterday, I was meditating, afterward I felt like I needed to lay down and die. I know it sounds awful, but anyway. I just am sick of nothing ever being it ( Ya know?). So I laid down and didn't do anything. There were sweeps and sweeps of energy through different layers. What I was calling the witness wasn't there. It was nothing doing all this something.

When I got to the dying part, I didn't see chakras or anything. I saw a blinding light. I got pulled back by fear.

Today, my body feels very light. I can't find a witness. I still have lots of thought. I feel like nobody is doing a bunch of something. I still feel like I need to lay down and die, but I am too afraid when the time comes to do it.


Hi Lalow,

Your post indicates self pacing is required. The energy has take over and inner silence lost in the back ground. Energy and inner silence has to go hand in hand for balance. I'm not sure what your practice consists of. I may sound like a broken record but Samyama is the way to live with the mind. We practices for different reasons.
Balance in daily life comes first here and everything else after.


Sunyata
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Apr 12 2016 :  10:34:54 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I know what I'm posting sounds terrible, sunyata. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. I feel like there is no book or practice that gets you there. Yes, you do practices, but at some point you have to surrender so much that it feels like you are dying. Whatever I was calling the witness is gone. It's just nothing, I don't have a label, witness, awareness, those words don't fit. The fraction of a second I become somebody, or attention is bound to something(I'm not sure how to describe it), there is some suffering.
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sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Apr 12 2016 :  12:57:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
I know what I'm posting sounds terrible, sunyata. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. I feel like there is no book or practice that gets you there. Yes, you do practices, but at some point you have to surrender so much that it feels like you are dying. Whatever I was calling the witness is gone.

Hi Lalow,

It's not terrible,you are sharing your experience. We are here to share and help each other out. May be something is getting ready to fall away. Refer to the recent posts(thread) in the Plus forum. You are right, books and practices serve a purpose. They point to the Truth, but Truth reveals itself.

Surrender is simply letting go of all ideas/thoughts- even the idea what surrender is/ should be? What liberation should look like? What end of suffering should look like? Simply let everything go in silence (Samyama). And yes, sometimes no practices/books are left to hang onto in order for surrender to take place.

I'm going by what you have posted. The guru in you knows the best. Don't forget to self pace and ground. Play your favorite song and dance.

quote:
The fraction of a second I become somebody, or attention is bound to something(I'm not sure how to describe it), there is some suffering.



Yes. Let this thought go as well.


Edited by - sunyata on Apr 12 2016 1:06:11 PM
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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1526 Posts

Posted - Apr 13 2016 :  08:12:03 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Lalow

I think what you're describing is this: the identification with what you used to perceive as your self (the 'me', as opposed to the Self) has become painful. I get this sometimes too, but not quite so intense, at least not so far. I think the 'death' you mention will have to happen, but, as Sunyata says, do self-pace.

Maybe a good idea to put your question on the Plus forum too - more likely to get Yogani or Cristi's attention there. Maybe you could do with some reassurance from somebody advanced, who has past through this stage and came out of it.

Best wishes to you

Edited by - BlueRaincoat on Apr 13 2016 09:37:53 AM
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sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Apr 13 2016 :  08:25:49 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Blue,

Good advice. This stage has been crossed here. I feel that giving ideas of what it is going to be like is adding a layer. The thread in Plus forum "Confirmation of Unity"
Blanche explains the transition beautifully. I went through this kicking and screaming. Self pacing in AYP is what helps with the smooth transition in consciousness. Or may be some of us need to go through this kicking and screaming. Yes, best to get the advice from Yogani and Christi.


Sunyata

Edited by - sunyata on Apr 13 2016 12:36:04 PM
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Apr 13 2016 :  12:56:04 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thank you gals! I will self- pace. Maybe it's easier to go through this with a quiet mind. I feel okay today. I don't want anyone thinking I'm hiding in a corner or something. My mind isn't spinning or out of control, just normal. What I called the witness still is gone. It's just nothing in there. I sorta identified with what I called the witness. It's not there, and I can't find a me. There's nobody home. I have no idea who is doing all this stuff.

I will check outta here for a few days. I'll check the plus board when I return.

Edited by - lalow33 on Apr 13 2016 12:59:01 PM
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sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Apr 13 2016 :  1:25:16 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
I sorta identified with what I called the witness. It's not there, and I can't find a me. There's nobody home. I have no idea who is doing all this stuff.



quote:
I will check outta here for a few days. I'll check the plus board when I return


Yes. Let it all soak in. Not sure if you have heard the phrase- After the bliss, the laundry. If things start coming up really fast, just be with it.Don't let the mind add stories to it, let the body feel. Take baths, walks, just ground. I'm posting this because I wish there was someone to tell me these things. to you Lalow.

Edited by - sunyata on Apr 13 2016 1:32:51 PM
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Apr 13 2016 :  2:04:36 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Thank you, sunyata. I did read this, but I must go if I am really going to self-pace, at least a few days. I miss the witness, at least I had an identity. I do feel strange, not bad just strange.

I think it was a result of not doing cover- up habits. I've been walking everyday. I had a girl's weekend at a casino. I've lowered my practices over and over.
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sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Apr 13 2016 :  3:01:22 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
MC YOGI - Road Home (feat. Trevor Hall) Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1Il3jM9Ypg

Edited by - sunyata on Apr 13 2016 3:01:45 PM
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Bodhi Tree

2972 Posts

Posted - Apr 13 2016 :  3:41:10 PM  Show Profile  Visit Bodhi Tree's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Peace be with you, Lalow.

Love. Radiance. Abundance.
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So-Hi

USA
481 Posts

Posted - Apr 14 2016 :  11:01:41 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hmmm from what has been shared a rest is needed.

Reads like allot of change.

Reads like the in-dweller is unstable not able to find it's proper seat in the new environment that has been developed by practices because the practices keep changing things.

1 month of rest away from message boards and yoga will probably take care of things.
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parvati9

USA
587 Posts

Posted - Apr 14 2016 :  7:08:01 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
Originally posted by lalow33

I know what I'm posting sounds terrible, sunyata. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. I feel like there is no book or practice that gets you there. Yes, you do practices, but at some point you have to surrender so much that it feels like you are dying. Whatever I was calling the witness is gone. It's just nothing, I don't have a label, witness, awareness, those words don't fit. The fraction of a second I become somebody, or attention is bound to something(I'm not sure how to describe it), there is some suffering.



Dear Lalow

The above comment is amazing, especially the bolded part. To my way of thinking, what you have described is very very close to the essence of enlightenment. Rarely experienced here, but when it is, there is certainty that this is only perhaps one small step away from pure awareness. I've learned not to crave any experience, but rather to simply BE with whatever is happening. When this one happens, it is priceless. It is what this life is dedicated to. It is what I want more than anything else.

But then there is also certainty that this is my true Self, and so there is really no way of getting away from it (and therefore no need to crave it). It is always there. You should be giving the rest of us advice. But if I were to offer any, it would be to recognize that you are experiencing your true Self. And the experience of it will come and go as all experiences do ... you are deeper than the experience. But this experience, in my opinion, is the most precious of all experiences. Imho, with the releasing of this perception - as an experience - there may be nothing else left to obstruct pure awareness. You probably already know this. Very happy for you Lalow

In much love and gratitude,

parvati
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Apr 15 2016 :  9:20:45 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I think it's best to listen to yourself, not me. I'm an amateur at this spiritual stuff. I can't find anything that's good advice or a stable platform. Any advice I could give you is best taken as jibberish. I'm not being humble; I'm serious.
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parvati9

USA
587 Posts

Posted - Apr 16 2016 :  12:11:57 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
What is the authentic happiness? The genuine enlightenment? The honest humility? Had written post which was too long and perhaps irrelevant as well. Working on containment isn't easy.

love
parvati

edit/ content reduction


Edited by - parvati9 on Apr 16 2016 6:53:25 PM
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Apr 17 2016 :  7:06:39 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I have no idea. Still can not find anything in here. Still have reactions, but they disappear quickly.
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sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Apr 17 2016 :  7:53:37 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Lalow,

There will be an integration process. A new normal will start. Emotions will come back. The functioning will be from a different state of conciouness. It's like being re-born. Learning will continue.

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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Apr 17 2016 :  8:10:06 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
My meditations are different. It's hard to explain. Some are waves of fear, but they are just " pings" in the diaphram.
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sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Apr 17 2016 :  8:32:20 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Meditation, every day life, Life as we have known up to that point all changes. Just flow with it. Like Yogani says- the peace increases every year.

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joseph

117 Posts

Posted - May 20 2016 :  3:52:21 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I'd recommend you read (if you haven't already done so) Gopi Krishna's autobiography - Living With Kundalini.

Much of what you describe - the loss of self, the over reaction to thoughts - was experienced by him in the worst form, yet he writes about the transformation that was occurring and where it eventually led (although there's no finality to it ). It's an incredibly reassuring, uplifting read if your experience has a parallel with his.
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - May 20 2016 :  9:32:18 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
joseph,

I appreciate your response. I've never read it. I did have a left side imbalance and early crown opening( just one side). I believe he had a side imbalance as well. Thankfully, I've never done crown practices. Samyama slowly helps to balance the crown for me.

I might take a look at it.
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Jun 03 2016 :  9:42:46 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
An update on this. I still have no whatever I was calling the witness. I've lowered but not completely stopped practices. The fear has subsided; it seems it was an escape from some other emotion that I don't have a label for. I guess I would call it ick.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 14 yrs ago. After experiencing that emotion( ick), I felt all the symptoms of fibromyalgia at once. I felt inwardly strong, so I didn't do anything to distract myself. It kinda feels like there's black tar running through you. But the weirdest thing happened, it's like Shakti starts eating through the tar.

This probably sounds awful. I have no choice but to experience what happens. I'm just kinda here; I have no place I can go. I do feel inwardly strong, like I've never felt before

P.S. If anyone is at all drawn to samyama, I'd highly recommend it. I might not be the best example of a smooth spiritual unfoldment. I've released that strength sutra, I don't know how many times. I've never felt a movement, but strength( not the way I thought it would be) shows up. I wanted to feel this or that sutra. What shows up is what I need.

Edited by - lalow33 on Jun 03 2016 10:21:17 PM
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lalow33

USA
964 Posts

Posted - Jun 04 2016 :  02:15:36 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I won't say anymore in this thread. Everyone I've talked to that has fibromyalgia has told me that they just at some point wanted to end their lives. I just think there is another way. If you are reading this, there really is another way.
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sunyata

USA
1411 Posts

Posted - Jun 05 2016 :  5:31:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
to you, lalow. I can relate to strength and the power of Samyama.

The other thing that I have noticed is, the more I practice inversions in Asana-particular headstand- I feel strong physically and spiritually.

Wishing you the best health.

Edited by - sunyata on Jun 05 2016 10:12:24 PM
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Kentox

India
61 Posts

Posted - Sep 13 2017 :  4:42:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
let me simplify this for you, the moment you get that feeling. Simply lie down and close your eyes and breathe and focus on breathing with eyes closed till you feel waves of energy. nothing to be scared of, you are not gonna die, simply try to sleep. If not able to sleep, simply feel what is happening.

If you are afraid of dying, then simply don't. It's fine to be scared but its not fine to governed by that. It'll cripple you if you let it.

I simply don't know why, perhaps I was a warrior in past life or something but whenever a problem arises that has to be solved the idea of "Staking my life for it" comes to mind all the time, even the mundane matters. Either I can be here or the problem, we simply cannot coexist.
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richbrahman

USA
5 Posts

Posted - May 13 2019 :  3:17:02 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Stop discriminating. Forget this witness; there is no witness. Whom and what to witness? you again rolls back to duality of witness, object to be witnessed and process of witnessing. Since there is no discretion, no interruption in this being, there is no such notion as death or birth; there is only pure blissful existence. Don't try to analyze your feelings. By analyzing, you again apply your mind, the instrument of Ego.
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