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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  08:37:05 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Message
Hi Friends,

Just wanted to talk to you all about relationships. I can count on my three fingers I have a hard time being around. The ego comes in forefront with them . Even the days when there is a lot of openness- the heart contracts and I get severe headaches. It always happens. I feel that this is the way it's going to be for the rest of this life. Even if I just reside in the openness, the body contracts. I guess the body recognizes the past pains and our energetic interactions.

I cannot avoid these relationships because it's my significant other's family. We see them once a week.
Life flows other than when I'm around them. I have even accepted the uncomfortable sensations being around them. But that does not make it any easier.


Edited by - sunyata on Dec 14 2015 08:50:32 AM

So-Hi

USA
481 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  09:13:54 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Sunyata have you discussed this with your significant other? This might go a long way towards lessening the impact on your very being.

There might be some friction but if the person in your life holds you in the position of importance they should, then they should honor and respect you and take your side. If they do not then it may just take them a while to work out whatever comes from discussing this; it could take years.

In the end though if they are not with you then it is a problem.

I have encountered similar issues with my relatives on my side that is and I actively avoid them and have made it known to others in the family that where they are to be found my wife and I shall be absent.

It took allot of trespasses on their part to get me to this point but once I had decided enough was enough, I pulled the rope and let the blade drop.

Yeah it hurt but you know what it is nothing compared to the ongoing crap.

Life is to short to be lived in the company of those that cause such a reaction, no one should punish themselves this way.

Sooner or later the disconnect will happen anyway so face it bravely and be true to yourself, it is not easy but then again who ever said relationships with people are?

My 2cents worth.


quote:
Originally posted by sunyata

Hi Friends,

Just wanted to talk to you all about relationships. I can count on my three fingers I have a hard time being around. The ego comes in forefront with them . Even the days when there is a lot of openness- the heart contracts and I get severe headaches. It always happens. I feel that this is the way it's going to be for the rest of this life. Even if I just reside in the openness, the body contracts. I guess the body recognizes the past pains and our energetic interactions.

I cannot avoid these relationships because it's my significant other's family. We see them once a week.
Life flows other than when I'm around them. I have even accepted the uncomfortable sensations being around them. But that does not make it any easier.




Edited by - So-Hi on Dec 14 2015 09:20:47 AM
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Charliedog

1579 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  09:54:42 AM  Show Profile  Visit Charliedog's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Dear Sunyata,
It is not easy, but I agree with So-Hi in this.

Speaking for myself I had a long time of exactly the same feelings as you have now. One day it was really enough I could not make another choice then for myself. I became physically ill if I forced myself to go on with holding up appearances. I broke up with them and I never regret it. It was a relief. Except for the quilt feelings there were to my husband because it is his family.

He did the same, not for me, but because he felt the same way in this. I however had for a long time quilt feelings to him in this. But if you ask me now many years later, I would have done the same.
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  10:24:13 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi So-Hi and Charliedog,

Thank you for your response. It's almost been close to a decade. My significant other likes to not see it and pretend everything is okay. He's been a little bit better at recognizing than before. But like Charliedog says- it makes me physically ill. My side of the family lives half way around the globe and I'm surrounded by his side of family.
It's not easy being in this situation.
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Charliedog

1579 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  11:38:41 AM  Show Profile  Visit Charliedog's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
I wish you much strength in this situation Sunyata.
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So-Hi

USA
481 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  12:21:11 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
You know what you are doing and I am confident you will make the choices that are right for you.

Just remember one thing you have the right not to suffer and no one has the right to expect you to suffer for any reason, as there is no reason sufficient.

This is your life too you know.

That you have brought this up in an open forum says allot, listen closely to yourself. This situation really is not alright with your inner self, otherwise it would not be coming out.

I can not wish you strength because you clearly posses that and endurance already, I can only wish you clarity in making your life path and perhaps the ability to endure change if needed, you will know..


quote:
Originally posted by Charliedog

I wish you much strength in this situation Sunyata.

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Charliedog

1579 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  1:05:37 PM  Show Profile  Visit Charliedog's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
What I mean with strenght is that you need this to make a choice that not is easy. Nobody can take this for you. I know you understand what I mean.
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  1:35:55 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Charliedog

quote:
I can only wish you clarity in making your life path


Thank You, So-Hi. I've asked my Isthas for clarity . It's hard for me to make a decision. I don't know what's best.

Edited by - sunyata on Dec 14 2015 1:41:11 PM
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So-Hi

USA
481 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  3:15:21 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Dear Sunyata remember to give yourself the freedom to make a mistake also have the wisdom to arrange conditions so that you can recover from a mistake.

For example before quitting a job make sure you have one to take it's place.

Before moving make sure you can cover a years worth of expenses; you know safety nets. Being bold and decisive is one thing being stupid can hurt allot.

I am certain you have discovered that in this life we often do not know what we want or what is best, but we almost always know what we do not want and if we are honest with ourselves we know that which is not good for us, even if we are not sure what is good for us.

Sometimes if we do not know what we want then we have to start enumerating the things we do not want and use a process of elimination and allow what remains to be our decision.

I would say start enumerating and see if the clarity does not come, you might be surprised by what you already know.

It is ok to be afraid also. It is also ok to continue to suffer but when you are at the point of discussion with others, well it just seems to me like you are coming close to making some decisions or at-least recognizing that you want to.

It takes guts to share as you have and I am sure everyone reading this can not only pick up on some of what you are going through but wish you our very best.

From me I say you are going to be okay whatever you decide or do not decide.


quote:
Originally posted by sunyata

Charliedog

quote:
I can only wish you clarity in making your life path


Thank You, So-Hi. I've asked my Isthas for clarity . It's hard for me to make a decision. I don't know what's best.

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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1516 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  3:41:39 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi Sunyata

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.
quote:
Originally posted by sunyata
I guess the body recognizes the past pains and our energetic interactions.
Are you saying they treated you badly in the past and this is causing your present reaction? Or is there something they are doing now that is not OK with you?
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  3:59:18 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
I am certain you have discovered that in this life we often do not know what we want or what is best, but we almost always know what we do not want and if we are honest with ourselves we know that which is not good for us, even if we are not sure what is good for us.


You are absolutely right. I've taken your advise to my heart. Yes, there are various emotions that comes up. There is a sense of relief after sharing it here.
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  4:08:50 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
Are you saying they treated you badly in the past and this is causing your present reaction? Or is there something they are doing now that is not OK with you?


Yes, the past. I don't enjoy being in their company. Every exchange feels labored. I'm torn because it's his family and he would love for all of us to be together.
I recognize his good intentions and I've been going along as I know that it makes him happy. He's happy but I'm not. We talked about this today and have come to a decision that I won't be visiting them often and it's okay for him to go visit by himself with the kids sometimes.

Edited by - sunyata on Dec 14 2015 4:14:45 PM
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BlueRaincoat

United Kingdom
1516 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  4:18:16 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Sounds like you know what you need to do. Being realistic about how much you can take on applies to people interactions too, doesn't it? Another kind of self-pacing.
When you feel strong enough to process that hurt from the past, then you will be ready to face this problematic relationship, but it's got to be in your own time. Perhaps you don't need to decide right now what is "going to be for the rest of this life" and what is not. Why not stay open, see how things pan out?

Wishing you the best

Edited by - BlueRaincoat on Dec 14 2015 4:18:52 PM
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  4:27:05 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
Being realistic about how much you can take on applies to people interactions too, doesn't it? Another kind of self-pacing.


You are right.

quote:
When you feel strong enough to process that hurt from the past, then you will be ready to face this problematic relationship, but it's got to be in your own time.


I like to atleast say to myself that most of the past hurt has been processed. I will self pace in the relationship and try to stay open.
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kumar ul islam

United Kingdom
693 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  4:40:51 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
fellowship is really important thankyou fellow yogis
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Dogboy

USA
1643 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  9:49:11 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
A lot of good advice and hand-holding already; you are processing it well. It doesn't necessarily have to be a shoutout at the OK Corral remember, you can withdraw your presence without uttering a cross word. There is dignity in the taking the high road and being cordial with them when their company is unavoidable, otherwise cultivate your peace of being and make yourself scarce. They have put you in this position by their inability to accept you as you are into their fold; you know you deserve better than that.

I pray your husband is strong enough to brush aside their nonsense and stick up for you.
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Bodhi Tree

2972 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  01:36:06 AM  Show Profile  Visit Bodhi Tree's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Dogboy!

Sunyata...maybe let the solar plexus take command! Creating boundaries, or dissolving them, as needed. Slightly below the heart, anchoring the upper regions to the lower jungles.

Stillness in action (radiance) surpasses all strategies. Become allied with the sacred geometry of inner and outer space. Let the narrative interpretation be bolstered by the genius of unfolding form. You are the goddess: unmistakably, undeniably, unrelentingly.
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Charliedog

1579 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  04:02:01 AM  Show Profile  Visit Charliedog's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
We talked about this today and have come to a decision that I won't be visiting them often and it's okay for him to go visit by himself with the kids sometimes.


This what I did first in the past Sunyata, only the opening up, and take this step can be a great relief.

I did not want him to break up with his family, not because of me.

But then I wanted to be completely honest and had to open up also to the family, that was the breaking point between them and me.

My husband choose for me, broke up with his family but that was as I said a big trigger for my quilt feelings to him. This all happened before my awakening, but I am sure I would have done the same afterwards, only sooner.

Most important is to be honest to yourself Sunyata.


Edited by - Charliedog on Dec 15 2015 04:17:54 AM
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  08:04:31 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Dogboy-- Taking the high road is what I've being doing for almost ten years. I think making myself scarce is the option for right now.

quote:
Stillness in action (radiance) surpasses all strategies. Become allied with the sacred geometry of inner and outer space. Let the narrative interpretation be bolstered by the genius of unfolding form.

I know Bodhi. But being run down a lot affects this mere mortal.

quote:
You are the goddess: unmistakably, undeniably, unrelentingly.



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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  08:28:05 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:

This what I did first in the past Sunyata, only the opening up, and take this step can be a great relief.

I did not want him to break up with his family, not because of me.


Oh Dear Charliedog,

My exact feelings. Especially after being a mother, I see the unconditional love for kids. Since we have agreed upon this, we'll see how things go. I heard Rupert Spira say -We can love everybody but we don't have to like them . Hearing this was a relief as well. I'm learning that not only being open but practical is important.

There is a constant recognition that we are here as humans for so long. The experience of the personality not being here makes me look at things from a bigger perspective. There is sometimes a struggle between the ultimate truth to what is happening. What is happening is part of the truth as well. Living as a human and trying to navigate through some bumps in the road does lead to more openings.

I really appreciate everyone of you here. I'm just sharing my thought process as well.
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So-Hi

USA
481 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  09:03:25 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
See Sunyata you do know what is best for you.

I think the phrase in the bible says it all.

he man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

in Yogic parlance we call this the blending of Shiva with Shakti.

You do not need Tantra for this either a Man and a Woman living in within the same household gain a similar benefit it is subtle but present.

Edited by - So-Hi on Dec 15 2015 10:30:26 AM
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Bodhi Tree

2972 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  09:37:21 AM  Show Profile  Visit Bodhi Tree's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
Originally posted by sunyata
But being run down a lot affects this mere mortal.


But you're immortal too. Tap into that immortality, and let it shape the mortal frame. Don't buy into passive spirituality and mental sedatives, which are dominating the market today. Lean towards the way of empowerment, which is much more active and outwardly influential.

"...we can become fierce warriors of Being." --Yogani, Lesson 333
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lalow33

USA
961 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  09:56:50 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi sunyata,

I had a similar situation with my in-laws, although I didn't see them every week. They didn't like me and we had some crazy scenarios. We actually spent 2 years not speaking with one another, but life or circumstances has a way of bringing you back together. At a certain point in time, maybe there's not some great opening or a moment you can pinpoint of forgiveness, you just realize you're stuck together whether you like it or not, and they start to become your family, too. I've been with my husband for 20 years. It takes a lot of effort to dislike someone for 20 years! I go over to their house even without my husband for the past 5 or so years. It's nice.

You do what you need to do now. I'm just telling you that it can get better. In my experience, there just doesn't have to be some miraculous acceptance that you have to do.
P.S. I read through the other replies. In my experience, it doesn't have to be "spiritual" or much effort on your part, although we "think" it should be. In my experience, there's an effort to disliking someone. At some point, that effort fades, or you get too lazy to keep it up. You can trust God, life, circumstances, or whatever. I guess I'm in the lazy spirituality group. LOL

Edited by - lalow33 on Dec 15 2015 10:40:29 AM
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  10:33:18 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
Hi SO-Hi,

Relevant story. It's great how you handle the situation.

quote:
But you're immortal too. Tap into that immortality, and let it shape the mortal frame. Don't buy into passive spirituality and mental sedatives, which are dominating the market today. Lean towards the way of empowerment, which is much more active and outwardly influential.


Hi Bodhi,

Yes. I'm not buying into anything. You know I used to be confident and knew exactly what I wanted. Now, I'm trying to live this life as a conscious human being. How it wants to express outwardly is still developing.
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sunyata

USA
1404 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  10:41:48 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
quote:
you just realize you're stuck together whether you like it or not,


Hi Lalow,

LOL..yes this is realized. You know I don't dislike them. I prefer not to be in their presence. Being in the presence brings the discomfort these days.

quote:
I've been with my husband for 20 years.



quote:
I go over to their house even without my husband for the past 5 or so years. It's nice.


Wonderful, Lalow. Perhaps, one day it will be the same. May be it takes years for the karma between certain individuals to work itself out.

Edited by - sunyata on Dec 15 2015 10:56:56 AM
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lalow33

USA
961 Posts

Posted - Dec 15 2015 :  11:22:44 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Get a Link to this Reply
"Wonderful, Lalow. Perhaps, one day it will be the same. May be it takes years for the karma between certain individuals to work itself out."

No, karma or a spiritual framework is not part of my experience with my in-laws. I know this is a spiritual board, but there was no trying to accept or forgive or anything like that, and I don't understand or try to understand karma. Things can happen that bring you together. You might not notice, and it's okay. I'm just saying this can work it's self out without any effort or labeling. One day, you may find your in-laws becoming your family, telling them you love them even though they get on your nerves, for no reason at all.

P.S. I hope this doesn't come across as mean or whatever. What I'm trying to say is that everything does not need a " spiritual label" or framework. Circumstances or life or God, will give you repeated opportunities to find compassion for your in- laws. Through a life there will be joyous occasions and heartbreakers and everything in-between. There's no worries, sunyata. You'll find your place in this family. It could be much better than you ever expected.

Edited by - lalow33 on Dec 15 2015 11:42:23 AM
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