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Apkallu
France
108 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 15 2016 : 11:23:35 AM
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Hi guys,
Since a few weeks, I have found numerous proofs that my wife did "wrong" things over years till recently.
When discovering this for the first time, I immediately felt an overwhelming energy (prana) burning all my upper body. It still happens lightly when remembering what I read...
I could not endure any meditation in the following weeks facing overloading issues...
Right now, I can barely do one sole complete session per day.
Is this something that improves the purification process to you or a serious barrier to the path ?
What is the yogic opinion on such matters such as adultery ?
Whatever, I still thrive to accomplish my duties and this is something that helps me keeping my head above water... not to say the only one... among other philosophical thoughts on the human nature and what would be really wrong in this respect.
Thanks for your advice. |
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jusmail
India
491 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2016 : 1:36:27 PM
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Forgiveness is the first thing that jumps out. All of us go astray;. The right thing would be to accept the past, forgive, and rebuild the relationship. Lesson 149 with emphasis on yamas and niyamas could be a good starting point.
All the best |
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Dennis
USA
83 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2016 : 01:38:45 AM
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Yoga aside, you need to have a long serious talk with your wife to clear the air. You can't just push this stuff "under the rug".
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2016 : 05:05:28 AM
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HI Apkallu
You've got some good advice already - good to keep the communication channels open. It is important to understand the other person's point of view.
quote:
Originally posted by Apkallu
Is this something that improves the purification process to you or a serious barrier to the path ?
It could be one of those 'kicks' that pushes you forward on the path. (Ever heard the expression 'every kick in the a** is a step forward'?) It depends how you take it. It can trigger you to ask questions that are very uncomfortable to the ego, but also quite enlightening. Good idea to self-pace your sitting practices.
quote:
Originally posted by Apkallu
What is the yogic opinion on such matters such as adultery ?
I think it may be best to deal with this issue in the way that you yourself see fit. Does it really matter what an enlightened yogi feels/doesn't feel in similar circumstances?
Be kind to yourself and others.  |
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Dogboy
USA
2194 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2016 : 07:14:40 AM
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My wife's alcoholism at times felt like deceit as her drinking went on for years in secret and the extent of it only came to light after a car accident that wiped out our savings. The pull of this "lover" was strong in her and it took a few cycles of rehab/relapse for her to get serious about sobriety. Yoga helped me through this in many ways:
~ My Witness provided me a buffer from the crisis at hand
~ Pranayama smoothed out emotional volatility in me
~ Self Inquiry helped me sort out what was, and was not, in my control and map out how I could best proceed
~ My daily practice provided me an anchor in uncertain times
~ Particular timely purification and automatic yoga events seems divinely inspired to address blockages related to how I was internalizing the issue
~ Yamas and Niyamas gave me a road map on forgiveness for her and service for my family.
No one should be defined by their lowest point in life. We are raising two kids, one who is autistic, so her sober presence in their lives and our marriage was necessary if we were to continue. My wife is the primary breadwinner in our family and travels a lot which raised the stakes considerably. My loving presence and service helped turned the tide in our favor; she is nine months sober at present, has embraced AA and works out at the gym daily. I am educated and no longer blind to the signs of trouble that I explained away or ignored in the past. Yoga helped get me here and the fruits of my practice benefits my entire family.
Dear Apkallu, I feel for you and hope you find a path through this dense forest. My advice would be to let yoga help in your quest for a course of action. Give her an ear, don't allow your heart to calcify. Self inquiry can help you see if your prior actions may have contributed in some way, and address what you can change. Make no rash decisions, but at the same time move toward change. Self pace as needed. Good luck, AYP friend |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2016 : 08:45:22 AM
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Dear Apkallu,
Keep communicating without blaming if possible, further you can ask yourself,
How deep is your love for her, do you believe you could deal with this without lose yourself (and of course this will take time and practice )?
If meditation is too much at the moment, asana can help you, they can be ones best friend in difficult times.
Wishing you Love Strength Wisdom |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2016 : 3:17:41 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Apkallu
Hi guys,
Since a few weeks, I have found numerous proofs that my wife did "wrong" things over years till recently.
When discovering this for the first time, I immediately felt an overwhelming energy (prana) burning all my upper body. It still happens lightly when remembering what I read...
I could not endure any meditation in the following weeks facing overloading issues...
Right now, I can barely do one sole complete session per day.
Is this something that improves the purification process to you or a serious barrier to the path ?
Hi Apkallu,,
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this... I know how difficult a situation like this can be. My perspective here is that this is indeed an opportunity to purify some areas that may be hindering the fullest expression of Life through you. But I should probably preface all this by saying that my wife and I are "consensually non-monogamous" (although we were monogamous when we first married) so my perspective here is likely different than most.
quote:
Originally posted by Apkallu
What is the yogic opinion on such matters such as adultery?
Well, yoga, being that it isn't a person, doesn't really have any opinions on anything. There are only people, who claim to speak for "yoga" who have their own personal opinions/interpretations. We are each individuals on the path and there is no absolute truth that guides everyone; yoga practitioners or not. My personal opinion is that honesty (in all things but especially within relationships), is a critical component to healthy, lasting, loving relationships. Hiding things from each other, no matter how difficult it may be to discuss, only ever leads to problems (in my experience). In my own relationships, if I find that I have met someone who has captured my attention to the point where I would like to pursue a deeper relationship with them, I immediately tell my wife (and other partners) before making any advances on the new person. And I only make advances once all my partners have consented to it. If your wife is indeed cheating on you, perhaps you can ask her about it (hopefully without accusing/attacking her) in order to at least know for certain one way or the other? Speculation, in a situation like this, could destroy your marriage even quicker than the assumed adultery.
Having (pretty much) been in your exact position once before, I feel like I can relate to you. Having been in your wife's exact position once before (assuming she has cheated on you), I feel like I can also relate to her. When I was in your position and found out my partner (of 7 years at the time) likely cheated on me, I aggressively confronted her, she adamantly denied it, I broke into her email and found confirmation of her adultery, and then I promptly attempted suicide by heroin overdose because the thought of her sleeping with someone else triggered so much of my personal insecurities that I literally would rather have died than confront it all. When my wife found out that I had fallen in love with someone else she compassionately confronted me, proposed reformatting our marriage to a polyamorous one and we began the process of confronting all of our societally/culturally/parentally imposed "monogamy conditioning." We have been more or less working through this conditioning ever since (5-6 years now).
I can't, and would never want to, tell you what you should do here, but for my wife and I, going the direction of confronting our conditioning has only served to solidify and expand the love in our relationship(s). Going the other direction doesn't have to result in attempted suicide like it did for me (obviously), but it will likely result in the end of your marriage (assuming your wife is actually cheating). So, from my perspective, the pertinent question for you to ask yourself here would be something like; "Am I willing to work through whatever I have to in order to make things work with my wife?" Answering that question should give you a definitive direction in which to go from here.
Sorry if this wasn't very helpful.
Love,
Carson |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Apr 18 2016 6:22:03 PM |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2016 : 7:56:41 PM
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Just to echo Carson's sentiments, I think transparency is the key to success. I was married and came clean about my transgressions. We ended up getting divorced, but telling the truth still salvaged our relationship somewhat and allowed us to stay friends. I'd rather be divorced and truthful than married and deceptive. Obviously, the ideal is to be married and truthful simultaneously. 
Also, Dogboy's story is remarkably compelling. Sobriety has also granted me a clearer outlook on life, as well as the chance for redemption.
Know that all impurities are merely amended versions of purity itself. In other words, at the core of the dross is gold. We just have to clean off the obstructions that block the goodness. |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Apr 20 2016 : 1:03:01 PM
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Hi Carson
It's wonderful you could make the open marriage work. You are very lucky in your wife. |
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Apkallu
France
108 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2016 : 10:34:23 AM
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Thank you guys for your support.
To make things short, 6 years ago, she confessed to me by her own that she had a relation at a sentimental level but that she preferred to make things better between us than to go for another guy.
Thus I did what I could to be a better husband because I loved her.
I'll spare you the details but what I found is that she did those things for years with a 99% probability but she still denies it although she admitted under great pressure that they sent each other dirty pictures/mms not long ago while everything was nice between us (also during vacations...).
I do not know if my heart is calcified but I can for sure say it took huge damage and that even if she is right, that will never be the same...
All these lies after 22 years of life together, this is really hard to get through but maybe I am imagining things ... even though as, having been a member of a french website "SOS cuckold" for years, I can assure you that 99% of them are pathological liars 
Right now, I am more in line with Carson's way of thinking but she also told me that she would never like to know if I did something wrong on my side  ... that sex and love are two different things... whereas for me love and sex are an explosive cocktail... sex alone I tried being younger but not my thing...
Of course, this is an ego conflict but as I am a smart, good-looking, thin and muscular 42 yrs old guy (forgot humble) with a comfortable situation, my ego is hard to destroy.
Finally, the good thing is that the worst of the crisis is over and I am not in a hurry for my kids and us.
Thanks to Yogani, I look more being 35 than 42 
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Edited by - Apkallu on Apr 27 2016 11:13:03 AM |
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Apkallu
France
108 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2016 : 10:36:51 AM
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| By the way, she started the practices as a medication for her mental condition. |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2016 : 10:59:40 AM
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Hi Apakallu,
For your wife, trying to fix yourself is a way into practices, but it sincerely does not work that way, at least not in my experience, that's by passing. It'd be wonderful for none of your " stuff" to come up, not that it hasn't always, but you lose the ability to ignore it. It's gotta be torture to constantly lie. It's worse to lie after doing practices for a while. |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2016 : 11:12:35 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Apkallu
I am a smart, good-looking, thin and muscular 42 yrs old guy (forgot humble)
Good one Apkallu. You may add "good sense of humour" to your list.
quote:
Originally posted by Apkallu
my ego is hard to destroy
Just to clarify, nobody was suggesting you try and destroy your ego. That would not be a good idea. I was merely suggesting your ego might have taken a hit, which might explain some of the overload symptoms you were talking about. I would leave the ego well alone and focus on the practices, self pacing as necessary of course. |
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Apkallu
France
108 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2016 : 07:29:00 AM
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Well,
I am getting sick to think of her having cheated on me even though things are getting smoother over time.
I cannot pardon her nor really forget or trust her anymore.
Seems to be a dead end that will last the time my kids will be grown up or that one of us get tired of that sh*t.
I do not feel much love any longer for her.
I do not think Jesus or Buddha would appreciate a cheating that long.
Even though she is beautiful, seems to be still crazy about me, smart, a good mother, rich, etc... I would prefer to stay alone. |
Edited by - Apkallu on Sep 22 2016 07:49:02 AM |
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sunyata
USA
1506 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2016 : 08:59:18 AM
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Hi Apkallu,
So sorry to hear about your difficulties. Atleast you are being honest with your feelings. It's not easy to pack up and leave when kids are involved.
It's not only about us then. It's about giving them a nurturing stable home. The kids are already benefiting from your spiritual practices. Relationship can also be used as a spiritual practice. Also,have you tried counseling?
You can redirect how you are feeling towards spending more time with the kids- taking them out to play, making meals that they really like, guiding them, loving them. I'm sure you are already doing this. Volunteer and serve. Pick up a hobby if you don't have one.
I hear you when you say 'I would prefer to stay alone". Regarding relationships my view is the grass is always greener on the other side. Take this opportunity to focus on your spiritual growth, work on your self. Just try to see the positive things in Life. I know easier said than done.
In the end you have to make the decision and weigh the pros and cons of being in this relationship.
I feel we are born on this Earth plane to learn and grow as much as we can. The reason life gives us lemons every now and then. At least we as spiritual seekers have the ability to make a lemonade out of it. I have a few lemons in my Life as well, not my spouse but the accessories that comes with him  . Honestly, that makes me want to go live in an Ashram sometimes.
Wishing you the best dear.
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Edited by - sunyata on Sep 22 2016 09:23:37 AM |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2016 : 09:03:25 AM
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Hi Apkallu,
quote:
I do not think Jesus or Buddha would appreciate a cheating that long.
Even though she is beautiful, seems to be still crazy about me, smart, a good mother, rich, etc... I would prefer to stay alone.
For me (in a different situation) it was helpful to surrender in meditation to the painful feelings completely. It is maybe hard to stay with the pain but if surrender is happening you come out the other end. Unfortunately we can not do it. I can only say, if the pain comes up dive in, do not push it away. |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2016 : 2:17:50 PM
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How about talking to your wife when you are calm? "I still feel angry at times, etc.". Best course of action in my opinion. Not very spiritual, I know.
You can spend years trying to transmute those feelings, or you could just go talk to her. |
Edited by - lalow33 on Sep 22 2016 2:23:25 PM |
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Dogboy
USA
2194 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2016 : 4:51:28 PM
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Dear Apkallu
Good advice from the ladies, service to your kids and practice, surrendering the pain, and communication...counseling is a good venue to mediate unresolved conflict and transgressions. I know it feels like a dead end now, but until you allow for a clearing of the air and she can be in a place to truly hear you out, this wound will not heal properly. Maybe this relationship is beyond repair, maybe there is room for forgiveness, maybe there are unexplored avenues that will light the way; after twenty two years, you owe it to yourselves and your family to explore this thoroughly. She has not yet thrown in the towel, so neither should you just yet. |
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Trauma due to adultery vs purification/overloading
