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Anima
484 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 12 2014 : 3:40:17 PM
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Since the Michigan retreat, I've been increasingly exhausted and disturbed at work. It's loud and chaotic. I do not share the values of the organization (if you can make a case that it has any that are not for sale). I am at the point of complete exhaustion and not functional at all most of the day. It is also taking me longer and longer to recuperate outside of work. Boss sent me home halfway through the day again. I've kept the full-time job for a year. I don't know what to do. I am considering sanyasa and becoming a monk or drifter. When I worked at this job and was homeless for four months, I felt much more free.
Written at work:
Put in two weeks’ notice at work. No job lined up. Might lose apartment. Not worried.
Giving up.
I will dissolve. Only a ghost now.
No love for the world. No satisfaction. No understanding. Support is bartered for the flesh of my heart. My soul is a ghost. Pathetic, really.
The world casts me out. It always has. I will not drug myself into delusion again. I could never forgive myself. I will let Her have me completely.
Don’t care. Angry and disgusted. Weak.
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Noisy mind at this job. Noisy everywhere in so many ways.
They don’t get it.
The need for peace.
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Will bitterness follow me forever?
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Edited by - Anima on Aug 12 2014 3:41:46 PM |
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Dogboy
USA
2192 Posts |
Posted - Aug 12 2014 : 5:42:39 PM
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quote:
The world casts me out. It always has. I will not drug myself into delusion again. I could never forgive myself. I will let Her have me completely.
Don’t care. Angry and disgusted. Weak.
You are noble and brave. You are witnessing metamorphosis as are we. We have not cast you out; you are loved here.
quote:
Will bitterness follow me forever?
Like a shark, keep witnessing, moving; one moment, foot, breath follows another. Watch your passion play with distance. This may not be a breakdown but a breakthrough. Your story has not ended yet. I'll say it again: you are loved!
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Ayiram
88 Posts |
Posted - Aug 12 2014 : 6:22:32 PM
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Dear Anima,
how about taking some time off, setting your meditation practice aside for a while and doing some good grounding?
All of those thoughts you´re having are just the next series of impurities that came up and that are on their way out of your system - if you let them. And to be able to do that, stop giving them your attention! Try give it all to your ishta, blame your ishta for it, be angry at your ishta if you like...and keep coming back into your body and stay there with the sensations. Just try not to get pulled into the mind´s stories. Come back into the body every time. You´re not what they´re telling you and things are not the way they´re telling you.
This too shall pass.
And if you´re planning on making some big life changes, be sure you decide that from the peaceful place within. Not while there´s such a noise inside.
Will keep you in my samyama.
Hang in there!
 
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Edited by - Ayiram on Aug 12 2014 6:23:23 PM |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Aug 12 2014 : 9:38:05 PM
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| second ayirams comments. take care of yourself, k is very stressful. don't make rash decisions. best wishes anima, everything is fine:) |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Aug 12 2014 : 11:42:35 PM
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You are in the flow, Anima. I am in the flow with you. We are all in the flow together.
I am glad you are trusting your intuition and your calling for more serenity in your life. It will come true. It is coming true every moment. We are passing through some turbulence, that is all.
You have made some giant leaps with sobriety and moving forward on the path, and the momentum will continue! As usual, your writing is absolutely superb in its clarity and structure.  You know me!--I'm a lover of literature too, so I just have to give a shout out to a fellow craftsman of this magical language we get to play with.
Love. Unity. Strength.  |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2014 : 12:57:44 AM
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Dear Anima
I have found much inspiration in your strength over the years. Thank you.
You are being asked to surrender totally... and have faith.
I will add you in samyama.
Much Love
Sey
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2014 : 04:26:58 AM
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I second Ayiram comments too
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Will Power
Spain
415 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2014 : 4:22:38 PM
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You may want to read from poverty to power, by James Allen.
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BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2014 : 4:34:30 PM
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| You're in my thoughts Anima...I feel for you bud! |
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pkj
USA
158 Posts |
Posted - Aug 16 2014 : 8:47:33 PM
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Anima
You will come out of this phase. Total surrender that will help. Pray to K to show you the way and be gentle with you self. I have found when nothing works but total surrender works.
Second Aiyaram's thoughts as well.
Love
PKJ |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2014 : 11:03:18 AM
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Hi Anima
An update please ...
Has anything significant happened in the last few days ... since your original post?
What Dogboy said - This may not be a breakdown but a breakthrough. Totally agree. Don't stop singing; you can sing your way through this. And if you don't want to sing, then speak or write or dance it out. But do let it out, don't keep it inside. Sometimes the greatest turmoil is the path to the greatest peace. We often have to completely empty ourselves of what we previously thought was ourselves - in order to let peace happen. To us, in us, through us. Emptiness is the empty container capable of holding or knowing peace. Which is our true nature. And which is best realized when we are completely open (or surrendered) to it. May peace be with your sweet soul.
Dark times are times for character development. They are difficult and yucky and we would prefer them to pass quickly. However, one can learn to cherish them. Not necessarily while they're happening, but afterward. I simply don't want to easily forget (which is the tendency) the lessons so painfully learned. You are not alone. We are with you. Take us with you in this difficult journey. And know that it will pass. And you will come through the other side with greater love than you had before. That (greater love) is what makes it all worthwhile.
love
parvati
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2014 : 9:54:25 PM
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Anima,
Thank you for your honesty. Like you, I was not born into privilege or even close to middle class. You have been so kind to me, let me repay the favor.
I read a poem long ago, the jist of it was the truth is found in the simplest things. Every "really" insight I've had has pointed to this. Ground and simplify is the only advice I have. It's so easily overlooked, but don't! |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2014 : 10:08:34 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by parvati9
Hi Anima
An update please ...
Has anything significant happened in the last few days ... since your original post?
What Dogboy said - This may not be a breakdown but a breakthrough. Totally agree. Don't stop singing; you can sing your way through this. And if you don't want to sing, then speak or write or dance it out. But do let it out, don't keep it inside. Sometimes the greatest turmoil is the path to the greatest peace. We often have to completely empty ourselves of what we previously thought was ourselves - in order to let peace happen. To us, in us, through us. Emptiness is the empty container capable of holding or knowing peace. Which is our true nature. And which is best realized when we are completely open (or surrendered) to it. May peace be with your sweet soul.
Dark times are times for character development. They are difficult and yucky and we would prefer them to pass quickly. However, one can learn to cherish them. Not necessarily while they're happening, but afterward. I simply don't want to easily forget (which is the tendency) the lessons so painfully learned. You are not alone. We are with you. Take us with you in this difficult journey. And know that it will pass. And you will come through the other side with greater love than you had before. That (greater love) is what makes it all worthwhile.
love
parvati
Wow. That...is...some high-vibration support there! Beautiful.  |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2014 : 8:26:09 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by parvati9
Hi Anima
An update please ...
Has anything significant happened in the last few days ... since your original post?
What Dogboy said - This may not be a breakdown but a breakthrough. Totally agree. Don't stop singing; you can sing your way through this. And if you don't want to sing, then speak or write or dance it out. But do let it out, don't keep it inside. Sometimes the greatest turmoil is the path to the greatest peace. We often have to completely empty ourselves of what we previously thought was ourselves - in order to let peace happen. To us, in us, through us. Emptiness is the empty container capable of holding or knowing peace. Which is our true nature. And which is best realized when we are completely open (or surrendered) to it. May peace be with your sweet soul.
Dark times are times for character development. They are difficult and yucky and we would prefer them to pass quickly. However, one can learn to cherish them. Not necessarily while they're happening, but afterward. I simply don't want to easily forget (which is the tendency) the lessons so painfully learned. You are not alone. We are with you. Take us with you in this difficult journey. And know that it will pass. And you will come through the other side with greater love than you had before. That (greater love) is what makes it all worthwhile.
love
parvati
Namaste
Hello again, Parvati. Yes, a lot is happening. Thank you for asking.
In fact, I was fired on Thursday morning. After some very rough emotional turbulence, I am feeling quite at ease. I've been busily job hunting for teaching positions and applying for unemployment. I've had an opportunity to revise my resume, post an online writing portfolio, and work more closely with my career adviser from my undergraduate university. I saw her twice before getting fired, and each time I told her I am interested in being a monk, priest, or religious educator. She has been very supportive, insightful, and helpful.
I went to a government service office today to register my resume and speak with a caseworker. He worked as a client advocate in unemployment for the state for over 27 years before taking on his current role. We sat down at his desk. He looked over my form briefly, but then without looking up, he asked me in a monotone voice belying a dry humor: “Okay.... Have I lost my ability to read correctly?” He turned the page to me and pointed at the “Preferred Job Titles” section. “Does that say ‘monk?’” “Yes,” I told him. He looked me in the eye and asked, “You want to be a monk?” I returned his gaze and nodded calmly. The other two titles were priest and teacher. We had a very open and animated chat about work and society. I was a little surprised to discover how good-natured and playful he was.
Parvati, you are right when you sense a desire for peace. It is redefining everything for me. I am letting it happen. I’m not sure that I ever had a choice :) I will continue to pursue possibilities in serving as clergy and in religious education, charity, and service.
Relationships have been opening at the temple. I am opening, too, and beginning to speak on philosophy and engage more actively in volunteering. I’ve been confiding in a friend, a retired gentleman who has taken a renewed interest in yoga and meditation in the last few months. He said that he has been experiencing transformation after 30 years of inconsistent practice. He started a meditation group (breath meditation, 5 minutes), in which we discuss meditation and yoga. Many paths converge in the group. It’s odd. A lot of people there are beginning to show a strong affection toward me, even after brief discussions.
My friends there tell me not to worry and that I’m in the right place. My friend introduced me to the temple president, who has graciously accepted my resume and cover letter, with links to my writing portfolio (I have anonymously offered some of the poems to the temple donation box), and also introduced me to another temple official and businessman. Things will work out.
And to everyone who has offered their love and support here, thank you so much.
Love and life abundant
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Edited by - Anima on Aug 18 2014 8:50:08 PM |
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Dogboy
USA
2192 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2014 : 9:55:05 PM
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Your breakdown is breaking down!
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2014 : 11:26:27 AM
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Anima
Well done. Sounds like you're maintaining command of the situation, maximizing your options, and staying grounded. This is all good. What is also needed is to be pragmatic. Assess your skills and abilities as well as experience. Most everything in the real world is based, either directly or indirectly, upon qualifications. Depending on the reason, being fired is perhaps better (than quitting) in terms of qualifying for unemployment. If serious about becoming a monk or priest, you'll need to find out about requisite qualifications at whatever facility or organization you seek to join. You would probably be an excellent teacher as you express yourself superbly. But the bottom line will be: Do you have experience as a teacher? Would you be willing to accept position of substitute teacher or teacher's aide? If applicable, can you begin the requisite certification process? All these considerations are necessary in order to actualize our goals and dreams in the real world. Wishing you the best of the best,
love
parvati |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2014 : 1:00:00 PM
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Hi Parvati,
I will be happy to share my resume and discuss practical details about teaching over e-mail. There should be a link on my profile to contact me.  Actually, it would be refreshing to talk outside of the forums.
I inquired with the Vedanta Society of Southern California, which is under the organizational leadership of the Ramakrishna Math in India. While I met most qualifications, I am not debt-free, due to student loans. By the time I might pay them off, I will be too old to join the order as a postulant (over 35).
I've also inquired with a Buddhist monastery in California about requirements and duties, and also what it's like. They have invited me to a retreat and to spend a couple weeks there. However, I have not been able to get more definite information.
There is a Zen organization here in my town that is very vibrant and offers a seminary at a reasonable cost. Their requirements are laid out in extraordinary detail. However, I tend to get the feeling that Zen is very ritualistic and rigid in its dogma and practice, which I find very restrictive (I went for a Sunday afternoon meditation group and skimmed a book on Japanese Zen). Maybe I should inquire anyway? I read their founder's poems and really felt a connection.
I networked with some Hare Krishnas about six months ago and will just say I'm not interested.
There is also the Chinmaya Mission, with which I have some unofficial affiliation. However, I find the local leadership to be mostly uninterested in engaging with me. Of course, I have not been overly interested, either. Still, I have met a couple Swamis who have come through, and we have offered them bhiksha (I also offered a poem to one, and he was very beautiful), and I could send some formal inquiries and just see what happens.
It doesn't have to happen right away. I will trust in Krishna. If my trust falters, I will rest in Krishna. If I cannot find rest, He will provide it later. There will be some big surprises in store for me. It may not work out at all. But I will try.
Most people have rejected my sentiment and experience while praising my articulation and intelligence throughout my life. That's okay, because I just accept rejection now. So, now what? Will I keep wrestling with compromise and critics, or move toward being centered and at peace? Who knows my dreams better than I?
Peace and love
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2014 : 3:03:48 PM
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Two week retreat with the Buddhist monastery in Calif sounds like a great opportunity to find out if monastic life suits you. That would be the first step in gaining entrance into a monastic order, wouldn't it? So you may want to persist in your attempts at obtaining more definite information. One question I would want answered is: Do you have openings at this time for novice/ new monks? Good luck in all your endeavors Anima.
love
parvati |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2014 : 5:19:59 PM
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Thank you, my friend...
I'm pretty excited. I called my old professor, who is now a Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at a local university. I drove over and sat down with her to catch up. She is a beautiful woman, and I always wanted to hug her when I was in undergrad (never did, alas). Anyway, we had a wonderful talk about my returning to university teaching, and very open about other things as well, like how my whole philosophy has changed. I told her about my spiritual interests and thinking of serving as clergy. I suggested that there may be some middle way between academic and religious pursuits. She said there is a real opportunity for someone with my background, especially with my interest in and knowledge of non-Western thinking (and practice)! We were so on the same energetic and exploratory wavelength.
So, lots of work to see if I can secure a teaching spot for right now. I do still desire to orient teaching into a spiritual role, hopefully serving as clergy, and will be busy working on actualizing likely possibilities. Gonna try to lay off the forums for a while.
Thanks for your sound ideas, feedback, support, and for listening, friends
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2014 : 11:27:50 PM
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Much love my friend
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2014 : 11:59:37 AM
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Sounds like a wonderful opportunity, this opening at the university.
Best of luck! |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Sep 13 2014 : 12:12:33 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by maheswari
I second Ayiram comments too
Me, too!
I have not been on this forum in ages and just now found this thread. I'm glad we have been able to stay connected on FB. I want to echo what everybody else has said, above, that YOU ARE LOVED and we are all in this together! I can really relate to what you said:
It doesn't have to happen right away. I will trust in Krishna. If my trust falters, I will rest in Krishna. If I cannot find rest, He will provide it later. There will be some big surprises in store for me. It may not work out at all. But I will try.
yep. exactly. what else is there, really?
I'm very happy that you were fired from the unpleasant and uninspiring job (it's quite freeing, isn't it?! ) and are now exploring your vocation as a minister/teacher. Please keep us posted as your fascinating journey continues! |
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Near Total Breakdown
