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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 01 2014 : 11:27:31 AM
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Yoga Weekly Recap 6-1-2014
Another good week. Sits continue to be deep, still, energetic. I find a slight bit of resistance to actually sit at times, but when I finally get into the process I am totally absorbed in it. An odd combination.
Life between sits remains positive. I've noticed a bit of impatience, and also more openness to strangers and interacting with people when out in the world. As strange as this may sound, and perhaps unrelated to meditation, I have lately been noticing the flights of birds with more clarity. When hiking or riding my bike, a passing bird will be observed with more awareness of the flutter of wings, the change in trajectory, the effortless mastery of the process. This all happens instantaneously, but at the same time seems like time slows down ever so slightly.
My mood and enthusiasm remain up, perhaps even a bit manic at times! I feel as if I've been in a funk for so long when I actually feel positive I am not experienced enough to wrangle the energy. A million ideas flood the mind, and I want to work on all of them at once — becoming instantly oblivious to all the in-progress goals and projects already in my plate! Being aware of this helps a lot, as I can observe myself going into these states now, and corral the mind back to the important things. I believe this ability is a direct result of practicing meditation (returning the focus).
It has been extremely beneficial to be aware of this tendency in myself. Often in the past I'd get pulled away into currents and eddies of this manic thought, only to return to the real goals once the novelty wears off, only to feel as if I were incapable of completing things. I'm not a master at it, but I am slowly getting better. |
Edited by - Yogaman on Jun 01 2014 12:04:59 PM |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2014 : 09:44:12 AM
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Yoga Weekly Recap 6-8-2014
Sits continue to be deep and still, often with strong inner energy. Sometimes dynamic, sometimes a "standing wave" of energy and inner cycling. The mantra continues to become more and more indistinct. At times I feel as if I've drifted off into thought and off the mantra, only to find I wasn't really off in thought, but I definitely wasn't on the mantra.
I had the thought this morning that the continual refinement of the mantra is perhaps refining it to a condition of pure thought, no longer connected to language. I had the thought recently about early man, prior to language — how did the inner dialogue happen for them? Mine seems so word- and language-based.
My thoughts on the mantra becoming pure thought no doubt are related to the addition of samyama to my sits. I can't really even say why I chose to try samyama. But I've found it to be quite a strong experience. I feel as if I am thinking of the count to 15 a bit too consciously but otherwise there is a distinct character to the inner energy when practicing samyama, especially after the deeply still and energetic sits I've been having.
Life between the cushion remains positive. I've found myself much more outgoing and social when in social situations. Much more of a desire to be out in the world as well, despite my introvert requirements of recharging the batteries solo. The exercise, healthy eating and daily art creation continues. The day fills up quickly!
I've also just planted my first vegetable garden in some beginner-friendly planter box kits. Looking forward to learning about the process. I tried growing my plants from seed, but I've since k,earned that is a bit more difficult than one would think.
I continue to read the book "Supernormal" , which is a scientific inquiry into the siddhis. Interesting so far. I also finished up the audiobook of "The Secret History of the World", which purports to be a distillation of the common theme among esoteric practices and philosophies throughout the ages. It's quite interesting how some form of meditation or yoga is involved in all of these. It goes by many names, but the breathing techniques and mind-focusing practices are unmistakable. It was a long, interesting yet ultimately frustrating book. Too many tantalizing loose ends that the author never really coalesced into a whole. It was tough to determine if he was accurate or If of this was just his opinion.
At any rate, what my big takeaway from it all was that there is a very real experience when one puts these yogic techniques into practice. It seems to be discovered by people from all ages, locations and cultures. Named differently, but in the end there seems to be a high level of independent correlation from the observations. There also seems to be much confusion and subjective interpretation, but that may be a limitation of the ordinary consciousness attempting to shoehorn the experience into the culture and language of the experiencing nervous system. |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2014 : 11:15:53 AM
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Very interesting Yogaman. I like reading your journal. You have a good and clear style of writing.
It seems things are moving in a positive way for you  Keep it up!!
Om   |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2014 : 11:12:45 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Very interesting Yogaman. I like reading your journal. You have a good and clear style of writing.
It seems things are moving in a positive way for you Keep it up!!
Om
Thanks Yonatan! |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2014 : 11:21:06 AM
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Thought I would share these interesting articles I stumbled upon recently:
Science: Inefficient Samadhi - a 10-part series worth reading. I first found this by way of his other article, Patanjali's 10 Types Samadhi
Written by a molecular biologist who seems to be an experienced voyager of the inner realms. Good stuff for the pesky question-askers like myself :) |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2014 : 12:11:58 PM
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Yoga Weekly Recap 2014-6-15:
Another week of great sits. I'm really beginning into lose the expectations and anxiousness about "stuff happening". Maybe because stuff is happening? :)
I feel as if sits are reaching more centered, focused, still and energetic levels every day. I look forward to them immensely now. Daily life continues to be steady, positive, focused. I also seem to be cultivating a perspective of "wholeness" on the world and my experiences. I'm less analyzing every detail and incident, and more grasping it all as a "system" or "thing". It's tough to describe, but perhaps precisely because it's the opposite of the reductionist thinking that language hinges upon. Naming, classifying, dividing up.
I have though been dealing with some emotions and thoughts in relation to my father and my (vaguely recalled if at all) early years, and how I may have been overlooking some negative realities. A deep conversation with my mom last weekend opened this line of thought up even deeper. In a sense, I feel the meditation may have brought this to light, the stilling of muddy waters and all.
Otherwise, my experience of life and my engagement with it improves. Less controlling, more open to "what is" versus "what I want it to be". |
Edited by - Yogaman on Jun 15 2014 12:16:59 PM |
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Dogboy
USA
2193 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2014 : 10:08:37 PM
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| Bravo, Yogaman! The surrender to the process is the key. One by one the petals of the lotus bloom! I enjoy your journal, by the way. Thanks for sharing your yoga. |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2014 : 11:18:14 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
Bravo, Yogaman! The surrender to the process is the key. One by one the petals of the lotus bloom! I enjoy your journal, by the way. Thanks for sharing your yoga.
Thanks Dogboy! |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2014 : 11:21:57 AM
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Yoga Weekly Recap: 2014-06-22
Another week of superb sits. Sambhavi mudra and mula bandha have been refining to become more and more focused and "efficient" — stronger, more direct, less effort. Spinal breathing in general has taken on a new character. The inner energy movement is more pronounced. It is now obviously collecting even when I start my asanas with knees-to-chest.
Deep Meditation too is becoming more deep, still, focused. The mantra continues to fade and transition from silent inner vocalizing to thought. Inner energy persists into Deep Meditation from Spinal Breathing. Samyama continues to go well, it has a definite and distinct difference in character from both pranayama and meditation. I still seem to lose my attention on the count after 8-10 seconds.
Life between sits continues to improve. I find myself more open to people, more engaging with them when I interact, and more desiring to do so. I'm less caught up in nonsense — my own and that around me. More focused on what I need and want to do, what is important to me. Some of these decisions contradict the persona I've cultivated to this point, which is not easy to reconcile with people who have you fixed in one aspect. This includes yourself! I've realized that I've caused myself quite a bit of pain over the years trying to fit the persona that I believed others held for me (if that convoluted logic makes sense!). In other words, my fears about changing (read: letting go of the accumulated traits that I've been unconsciously identifying with as "me") were more about what others would think. I was operating under the subconscious assumptions that I had to "live up to" this persona. Unfortunately, many of those traits were not positive — cynicism, sarcasm, pessimism. The downside (and I know the root is within me) is that when around many of these people, I sense this draw to revert to this mindset, to play that role. Interestingly, not with others.
It's no different than quitting smoking, when you are the only person trying to quit in a circle of people, it's much more difficult. And if you stay away for a bit and return, you find yourself drawn into old patterns of behaviors, urges and cravings despite knowing that you have no interest in these things at all. It's as if we are addicted to the familiar it above all.
These changes are not easy for all the relationships in my life as I've come to see some of them as less than healthy or ideal, as well as how I've allowed their subtle manipulations to pull me away from what I need to do for myself. I just need time to figure out how to positively integrate them in my life. The tough part is breaking old rituals and patterns yet maintaining the regular contact.
Regardless of these struggles, I am happier than I have been in years. More focused on goals of creativity and health, and far less self-conscious about being who I am — even if that identity is constantly in flux — which I think has been a huge hurdle for me throughout my life. I've looked externally for direction, approval and validation, and it feels great to slowly wean myself off of all of that unhealthy thinking. |
Edited by - Yogaman on Jun 22 2014 11:26:53 AM |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2014 : 4:38:16 PM
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Hey Yogaman
What you write here is pretty huge, cos most people are unconsciously attracted to stay in old habits, circles of friends who may not be for their best good, and old conditioning. You are right it's like quitting smoking or any addiction. I think a lot of us here who do AYP or other type of meditation can say that they have experienced and are still experiencing the shedding of old and stuck conditioning and habits. It's one of the best benefits of practicing meditation and spiritual practices turning us from unconscious robots or copycats into real humans who act from their true self.
Much Love!! Very inspiring stuff Yogaman |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2014 : 12:14:13 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Hey Yogaman
What you write here is pretty huge, cos most people are unconsciously attracted to stay in old habits, circles of friends who may not be for their best good, and old conditioning. You are right it's like quitting smoking or any addiction. I think a lot of us here who do AYP or other type of meditation can say that they have experienced and are still experiencing the shedding of old and stuck conditioning and habits. It's one of the best benefits of practicing meditation and spiritual practices turning us from unconscious robots or copycats into real humans who act from their true self.
Much Love!! Very inspiring stuff Yogaman
Many thanks and your words ring true here. particularly the "acting from your true self" thing.
If it wasn't clear from my earlier post, I mention the experiences because I sense they are a result of the meditation. I'm sure it's been mentioned here before, but I am starting to get a sense that I was hoping to "attain" something with meditation, and over the past few weeks my perspective is more that the results are a letting go to let what is already there express itself.
Interesting stuff! |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2014 : 05:01:51 AM
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" the results are a letting go to let what is already there express itself."
That is exactly true Yogaman, beautifully put |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 29 2014 : 12:44:06 PM
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Yoga Weekly Recap: 2014-06-28
Another week of profoundly deep and still sits. Mula bandha and sambhavi mudra continue to refine and become more focused, requiring less effort. The focus and strength of the inner energy sensations helps with that. I'm finding a more still and relaxed posture when meditations, and the mantra continues to refine away from mental vocalization and more and more into thought. It's a subtle distinction but I can note it. Samyama continues to be quite intense. On certain sits I can maintain the count, on others I drift off into hazy reveries — strange dream-memory scenes in the imagination, not visual but that "mental seeing" that isn't quite visual. Again I feel as if I am reaching deeper level in the sits.
Life between sits remains mostly positive. I did have a few down days, which typically coincide with rumination. That rumination can be a stepping stone into a deeper funk, but being aware of this makes it easier to avoid. I've also been noticing my inner dialogue drifting off into those "self arguments", where you defend your position with a person you imagine is criticizing you. I can't determine if these are happening more often, or if I am just more aware of them lately. They definitely seem related to rumination and low moods.
On the other hand, I've also had some very up and positive days this week, notably over the weekend when I was spending time with a close friend who is in town, and out at the park biking and hiking. I found myself opening up and engaging with strangers. It was almost as if the urge came from within. It wasn't a needy or selfish urge either. I realized later that I have been stifling this aspect of myself out of some sort of self-consciousness of being this kind of person in front of certain people, specifically those who've known me for a long time. Echoing back last week's thoughts of the "melting away of the not-me", I feel as if this plays a part. As if there was this defensive shell that was initially created as a sort of protection for the self within it, but over time the self began to identify with this constructed armor.
Lastly, I've been playing with this concept I thought of a few weeks ago. It struck me how on the computer, sound is a very unique from video and text. Selecting, copying and pasting seem more intuitive with text and video rather than with sound (even with a waveform visualization). Like smell, sound (music in particular) also seems to be able to transport the mind to very specific memories. So this got me thinking that sound is less caught up in time and memory (perhaps in these related brain structures as well?), and more associated with the present moment. I've been trying out the idea of really focusing on the sounds around me when I find myself off in rumination. It's seems to work remarkably well. I read recently that environmental sounds during meditation should be treated like thoughts: note them and let them pass along (and vice versa).
I'll end this with an insight that came to me during a bike ride this past week. It struck me that when we think thoughts, it takes us out of the present moment. Like staring at the mobile phone screen, it may seem innocuous but really it's saying "this present moment isn't good enough" and we do something "more productive" or "more enjoyable" with it (plan or fantasize).
"Thoughts are a subtle disdain for the present moment." |
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Dogboy
USA
2193 Posts |
Posted - Jun 29 2014 : 3:32:23 PM
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| Regarding senses while in deep meditation, I have lately been noting/enjoying/releasing how a particular moment might reveal itself and it's layers: the sounds of a distant dog barking, the neighbor mowing her lawn, the smell of the cut grass, or the socks on my feet, the breeze entering my room, the grumble in my stomach, the prana bubbling in my solar plexus...like I'm a thread in some fantastic tapestry! |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2014 : 10:04:34 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
Regarding senses while in deep meditation, I have lately been noting/enjoying/releasing how a particular moment might reveal itself and it's layers: the sounds of a distant dog barking, the neighbor mowing her lawn, the smell of the cut grass, or the socks on my feet, the breeze entering my room, the grumble in my stomach, the prana bubbling in my solar plexus...like I'm a thread in some fantastic tapestry!
Indeed, same here! And my note about sounds/senses was something more for a non-sit situation ("daily life"), but I find it's also a good touchstone during meditation. I do not dwell on sounds, but they are a clear indication if my focus is on thoughts or the mantra.
Regarding the tapestry, I've been noticing this more and more on my daily hikes. "The world is made of life". It's so easy to see the external world as inert, but as one looks (and listens) closer, the profundity of life in even one square foot of nature is quite astounding. What we've dulled outer selves into believing is that the world is somehow static, when it indeed is a dynamic process that we are only imagining these snapshots, these slices of.
Might be time for another listen to Alan Watts' "Out Of Your Mind" :)
Thanks for the thoughts |
Edited by - Yogaman on Jun 30 2014 10:10:52 AM |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2014 : 12:46:44 PM
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Yoga Weekly Recap 2014-07-06
Some decent sits this week, but also a lot of restless, wandering mind. Good sits are very good when they happen. Have not ben doing much samyama due to schedule being busy and my sleep schedule being off this past week (again).
Life outside sits, has been a bit sullen; the manic, magic connectedness of the past few weeks has given way to a more detached, ruminating, stuck-in-the-head mode. I know from experience that my course of action is to stick with the regimen — exercise, eat healthy, meditate.
I won't lie and say I don't prefer the former mood and experience of life. The optimism and enthusiasm is definitely missed. It does reveal to me how tenuous one's sense of self really is. How easily disrupted it is, how easily altered.
Among other books, I've been reading Swami Rama's "Living With The Himalayan Masters". It's an entertaining read. He's a great writer. As usual, ones assumptions about yoga/meditation are quickly dismantled by the real experiences. Rama is quite down to Earth and readily admitting of his limitations, but at the same time makes some tremendously supernatural claims (things he's witnessed by others, not done himself). I'm looking forward to finishing it. |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2014 : 5:26:46 PM
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Hey Yogaman, looks like you are doing well and know how to handle the more down days. They can happen these periods, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. For me they tend to come and go quickly. And these days not so often as in the past.
Also I read a part of Rama's book, it was quite fascinating, and he does tell about some really astounding supernatural things..
I don't know if you've read it but if you enjoy Rama's book then you might like Autobiography of a Yogi. It is pretty popular among yogis and a classic. Yogananda the author also writes of many supernatural things. It's the book that got me to AYP (I wanted to practice the kriya yoga of Babaji :) )
Be well :) |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2014 : 12:48:42 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Hey Yogaman, looks like you are doing well and know how to handle the more down days. They can happen these periods, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. For me they tend to come and go quickly. And these days not so often as in the past.
Also I read a part of Rama's book, it was quite fascinating, and he does tell about some really astounding supernatural things..
I don't know if you've read it but if you enjoy Rama's book then you might like Autobiography of a Yogi. It is pretty popular among yogis and a classic. Yogananda the author also writes of many supernatural things. It's the book that got me to AYP (I wanted to practice the kriya yoga of Babaji :) )
Be well :)
I too have been fortunate to find the down days lasting shorter periods, and happening less often. I chose today to perceive these periods of times as a reminder, a way to put the positive days into contrast, into perspective.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I read that many, many years ago and I too was very much drawn into wanting to learn more about yoga and meditation. Only now am I putting in the practice. To put a twist on an old phrase, "when the student is ready, the student appears" :)
Hope things are well on your end. Thank you for the thoughts. |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2014 : 2:15:41 PM
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All is good, thanks Yogaman I am inspired to practice more by your journal and resolve so I appreciate it.
This last week was not so easy with everything happening both in the news and in my own mind and feelings. I know that it is scenery though, and I am able to be in it with much more detachment and good discernment (of thoughts, right and wrong in terms of what will bring more and less suffering) and the achey feeling pass quickly. There is an innate feeling of confidence and inner strength that helps carry me through everything, I think it is the inner silence that Yogani talks about. There is also living in the Now moment most of the time so even an excruciating feeling soon passes and there is nothing left of it, and back to the calm moment..
Carry on
Peace and Love  |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2014 : 11:36:39 AM
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| Good to hear Yonatan. Sounds like you are headed down the right path. I'm following behind in your footsteps! |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jul 09 2014 : 11:00:18 AM
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 10:36:37 AM
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Yoga Recap 2014-07-13
Overall a good week of sits. A bit of mind-wandering and a lack of focus some days, but consistently reaching a deep stillness, even on the less than great sits. Added samyama back to the routine, as well as yoni mudra kumbhaka. Both just in the last few days, but going well so far.
Life between sits remains positive, despite another week of low moods and a bit of depression. Both seem to be lifting as of this weekend,thankfully. I've noticed quite distinctly, particularly in light of the intensely joyful moods I've been in the weeks prior to this recent funk, of how the low-mood self is a completely different identity than the high-mood self, and especially the joyful self.
The low mood self has a completely different perspective and focus on time. It dwells on the deep past, the near-future (where the fleeting rewards of instant gratification lie), but never the Now. It seems as if one is in a never-ending present, but it's really the near-recent past (because we are trapped in thoughts, which are not the present moment).
The joyful self, on the other hand, is deeply present in an expanded Now. The near-future and any thoughts are used for benefitting the long-term goals which somehow also enhance the wider present moment.
Maintaining my self-discipline routines was key in getting through this period of down mood. Daily exercise, meditation, eating right (mostly, I binged on some dark chocolate and sugar a few times). Journaling my long-term goals every morning, planning my day the night before. Depression is rooted in a lack of sense of the future (low dopamine, being the biochemical responsible for the anticipation of reward, plays a major factor in depression from my reading). I also noted how depression seems to be a prison of thoughts, but the key is physical: the body and nervous system. It's easy to believe you can think your way out of depression, but I've found that focusing on actions and effort seem to work best.
I believe the rising tendency to witness my thoughts and my experience of the world, due to meditation practice, is behind this insight of the different selves. I worded this specifically, as I don't believe I've yet reached an actual state of The Witness (which through one of the AYP books I've discovered is the same as samadhi, which is not clearly spelled out in the main lessons or core AYP books, or I overlooked it).
I noticed a return to that joyful state, what I've been referring to in my journal as "magical connectedness" because that's what it feel likes. The world is in the right place, events flow into each other, the mundane is magnificent. It's a welcome return. But these joyful states are throwing the depression into an event more dramatic contrast when they do appear. In the past, my up mood wasn't that much higher than my down mood. Now, I notice the shift much more, and it's much more frustrating to not know why they arise and to feel a bit out of control with it all.
I've learned that my personal development habits and routines play a big role. 95% of the time, I am cultivating the momentum to get me through those 5% of the times when I need to maintain it in the face of the depression. And I think one of the lessons learned is to not become attached to the joyful state, because it is tenuous and fleeting. I need to be realistic and prepared to weather the storms of low moods that are constantly on the horizon. |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2014 : 11:33:56 AM
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Yoga Recap 2014-07-20
Overall a good week of sits. Some slight chaos in my daily life this week spilled over into my meditations, especially towards the end of the week. At one point I even found myself sending an email right after asanas just to "get it out of the way". Of course the sit was fidgety and filled with mind-wandering. A few sits had been tinted by that kind of unfocused thinking. I made a decision that I was off course and that there would be no more of that behavior.
Otherwise, sits have been good overall. Some deep,still and focused sits. Sambhavi mudra and mula bandha both seem to continue to refine to a more tighter and less effort-requiring approach. I can sense inner energy stronger and stronger during warmup asanas, especially knees-to-chest, kneeling seat and savasana (corpse pose during rests). Yoni mudra khumbaka and samyama both seem to be going well.
Life between sits continues to go well despite the minor chaos I mentioned earlier. Nothing serious, just some larger issues I am trying to handle with an old car that needs sold, a new one that needs to be sourced, a used motorhome I am trying to find and purchase, and a larger personal project in a new area and requiring new skills to be honed. I've sensed some distance from my parents as of late as well. It's very subtle but I sense it and not sure of the cause. Creativity, motivation and enthusiasm continue to grow, not only overall but up and away from the low moods I was in as of last week. Glad to see them gone, and they were a nice guru to have for a while to remind me of the progress I've made and to appreciate the contrast. It also taught me to continue to be diligent, focused and unwavering on these healthy goals like meditation,yoga and exercise. I believe they were instrumental in getting me through a rough mental state that in the past I could have been swept away by. |
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2014 : 08:35:25 AM
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Yoga Recap 2014-07-27
Overall a great week of sits. Some distracted sits in the middle of the week when a few disruptions were going on (new car, new debt, new rumination on both). This balanced back out later in the week. Finding myself reaching deep, focused stillness and strong, distinct inner energy early in my routine, even starting with the brief asana warmup. Sambhavi mudra and mula bandha have refined to a more focused, strong and relaxed point, and the inner energy at the middle brow is obvious, strong and becoming more precise. Also inching slightly upwards and inwards. Yoni mudra kumbhaka is improving, the technique is becoming less forced and I am finding the right approach. I had a day this week where it really clicked, so I know what to aim for now. Meditation remains strong,deep, focused and still. The mantra remains at a refined level, and hovers between mental recitation and thought/remembrance. Samyama is going better, although I find myself distracted by thought towards the end of each repetition into silence. I do find myself sinking deeper into stillness and noticing each sutra having a slightly distinct quality to the inner energy sensations.
I've also been naturally using the noting technique, as patterns of disrupting thoughts occur during meditation. They follow themes and categories, so I just pay attention to them, note their category/theme, and allow them to pass along. Some common themes are defensive conversation/argument/justification rehearsals, regrets, planning, and anticipation or anxiety/worry. I don't categorize them any more than this right now. The general feel behind recognizing each theme is "so, it's you again?"I believe my mind is calming to a degree that I can more easily note when these distracting thoughts arise. I try to treat each as a mini-guru, arising to challenge me and to bring to attention what needs to be worked on when back in daily life.
Daily life has been good, the mood has improved since the recent down moods of a few weeks ago. For the most part it remains positive. I have noticed some anxiety and rumination over the lease of a new car, as my last one finally reached a point where it was time to move on. I find myself struggling with accepting this new, nicer thing. I find myself struggling with conditioned responses from my upbringing that I should be buying a used car and fixing it when it needs repairs. I've recently learned that one can have narcissistic tendencies from a self-effacing perspective, one where you are consumed with denying yourself success and reward due to low self-esteem issues.
I've also had some further struggles with family situations, again dealing with my father. I noticed more behavior of his that was deeply unappealing to me. At times I feel as if it has most likely been there all along, but like my own shortcomings, I've been too close to them to really see them for what they are. I feel as if I've gained some perspective on myself and my relationships through meditation, but I am still struggling with the consequences of these new perspectives.
On a positive note, I also found myself in a recent family situation extending myself to connect with more extended members of the family (the in-laws of my wonderful cousin). As I've noticed in myself more and more on this yoga journey, at times I feel drawn — almost by a paradoxically internal and external force — to engage, interact and connect with more people. It was no different this time. Instead of withdrawing into my safety shell, my familiar armor, instead I reached out and wanted to be where I was, be part of it. Not sit back and comment and criticize from a safety zone of conditioned behavior. I wanted to spread my wings a bit, having only recently realized I posted the ability to fly. |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2014 : 10:46:39 AM
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Strong.  |
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Yogaman's journal
