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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 16 2010 : 12:45:17 AM
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Hi,
I have a few questions about kundalini. She is knocking on the door of my nervous system. This is what I feel like I have to surrender to. I fear the loss of control that goes with surrender. I also fear the intense energy levels that are possible. It can be uncomfortable on a deep level. It feels like my nervous system is in control instead of me, sometimes.
Is this discomfort just because this is not normal to me, or is there real potential danger in losing control? Do I understand the lessons correctly that the idea is to slowly ramp up the levels of kundalini energy, and give it more control bit by bit, if you will? Like when taking a hot shower, you can't turn the heat all the way up at first because it feels burning, but if you ramp it up in a few notches, it feels good. Will there always be periods of discomfort and fear?
Then eventually it reaches a level where it gets more control more often, and we surrender to it, and merge with it, and become it. Is that divine union? |
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yogani
USA
5196 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2010 : 12:37:42 PM
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Hi JDH:
This is the process of purification and opening, which we gradually learn to surrender to. With self-pacing of practices in play to keep things on an even keel.
First it is only about us. Then it becomes a partnership between us and the process of awakening. Finally, there is only the awakening, and the divine outpouring.
Fear evaporates along the way ... what remains is stillness in action.
The guru is in you.
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2010 : 11:57:17 PM
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Thank you for the reassurance, yogani. I'm glad to know from further down the road that the fear subsides. And just thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have some more questions about integrating AYP with my kundalini experience, and I have some more details. I know, just do the lessons, but at the same time I need to talk about it, and I don't really have anywhere else to talk.
I would like to be able to let go of this fear now - it is not useful. I know on a deep level that kundalini is not intending me any harm. The more I can surrender and trust, the quicker and smoother this journey will be.
For me, the fear comes from high energy levels flowing in the body.
In my life, I have had a few different types of what I will call here high energy level experiences. They are just what they sound like, high energy levels flowing in the body for long periods of time. The kind of experience that might not last very long, but when it is over leaves me fully exhausted. Although no physical exertion is taking place, the heart beats as if in full sprint and about to pop out of the chest, adrenaline courses through every nook and cranny of the body and mind, etc.
My first experience of this type was with psychedelics use. I dove into the deep end on my first experience. I've had both positive and negative high energy experience in this way, and they were often mixed together in close proximity. But the first, and deepest, and most memorable, and defining psychedelic experience for me - was negative overall.
My second type of high energy experience was a spell of panic attacks 6 years ago. This was entirely a negative experience. If you've never experienced this, then good for you, it's not really describable. It's just about the worst thing possible in life. At the time, I thought only war veterans have probably had this much adrenaline coursing through their bodies day in and day out for weeks. And to have it happening for no apparent reason was quite disturbing. Again, very negative high energy experience.
My third high energy experience type has been kundalini awakening. Again, my first experience was the most intense. It happened while meditating (just quieting my mind and observing the energies one night, no regular meditation at that point). It felt like a dam had broken loose at my perineum and a river of light was flowing through me from toe to head. It streamed up my body in about 5-8 pathways, and shot out holes in my face and head. And I was flushed by this river of light for what was probably about 5-10 minutes. I would describe it as a sustained cosmic ejaculation through my head. Infinite galaxies of light were shooting through. It was good, and a positive experience.
On the other side of things it felt like I was dying. My ego and body were paralyzed, and gripped by this river of light. Like they were hanging onto the treetops as the river flooded their usual dwellings. They had a very negative experience. My previous experiences with high energy had taught me one invaluable lesson: that I wouldn't die, and that it would soon pass. So I hung on in discomfort and waited. One eye on the experience, and one eye on the ego and body, making sure I was still alive.
When the river swell subsided, I lay gripped by the experience for a long while, absorbing things, and waiting for the energy levels to decline. Thunder crashed inside. Eventually I could move again, and for a few blissful minutes, I experienced infinite consciousness. This experience is how I know kundalini can ultimately be trusted - by her end result. Those few minutes of infinite consciousness were all I ever need to die a happy man. It was beautiful, it was good, it was kundalini in control. "I" became an "it" which was observed, but not by me - by god. The mind, usually holding a vise like grip over my body, had become just a fraction of my being.
"It" wanted to go mate right then and there, with presumably one of the first people it would have seen outside, and the infinite consciousness was allowing this, but my ego thought that was ludicrous and wrestled control back. I wrote down the experience quickly. And then put the dam back up - I think it was a decade in the making, so I don't know how I put it back up in one day... but it is still standing today, the river has been dry since then :(. From the ego experience, the loss of control was a big negative.
In the following days, I was shaken up, looking around every corner for the next energy burst. It took me a few weeks to feel safe that kundalini was not about to rip my world apart again at any moment. This attitude is well known to me from the panic attack days, when between attacks, I waited in full alert for the next episode. Like a lingering insecurity after a breach in safety.
So, finally my questions. My fear in my practices starts up when high energy levels gather at my perineum. I.e. when "the vast storehouse of prana" begins moving upward. I'm associating that with an oncoming high energy experience, an opening of the dam, if you will. I seem to have tagged high energy as a negative thing (probably from the panic days) and so the rise of kundalini sparks the same fear as the rise of panic.
First of all, is that kundalini experience I described what is here called "a premature crown opening"? If I've already had it, then that's one thing I don't need to worry about. :)
In your experience do you think that high energy kundalini experience is a positive trustworthy energy, and that the negatives I was experiencing were left over associations from my other high energy experiences.
Or alternatively, is there negative to kundalini? Is there real danger? I hear from the lessons and the forums "caution! kundalini will burn!" Is the "burn" just the shock of these unexpected jarring experiences (which is uncomfortable, but I can handle), or is there something else I'm not aware of yet? People talk about getting bad physical symptoms from kundalini - this is what I'm getting at, how are they related?
Next, and what I was getting at originally in this post is - how does my kundalini experience fit in with the lessons? You say purifying and opening. What was my experience then? Was I spontaneously and completely purified and opened up for a brief period? And if so, then is AYP the slow method, whereas it's possible to just take the jump on faith?
Is AYP similar to the analogy of taking the dam down piece by piece to let the river flow instead of having it break down all at once?
Or maybe it is like training for the ability to surrender the next time the dam breaks down, and be able to allow infinite consciousness to remain rather than wrestling control back.
Maybe the dam is a bad analogy. Is AYP just the process of getting back to that river of light flowing again? Maybe there is no dam, maybe the riverbed is dry, and these practices are like doing a rain dance?
Thanks,
Jeff Dry Horse |
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Arim
USA
27 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2010 : 11:57:30 PM
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Yogani,
So are you saying that after the partnership process, your "nervous system" takes over? Like "possession" by your higher self? I always that it was supposed to be a "unity", a partnership. To think that someone else is taking over, even if it's your "higher self", is quite a scary thought. Are you personally living in this way? Are you in divine outpouring all the time? What's it like?
Thanks for your time. |
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yogani
USA
5196 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2010 : 11:19:48 AM
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Hi JDH and Arim:
The "danger" of kundalini is in our mind.
Physical and psychological symptoms will come and go. There is much we can do to mitigate them. If we are meditating daily, we come to know it all as a play in stillness. No fear in that.
Ultimately, we find there is no "other." We are That.
The guru is in you.
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2010 : 3:31:17 PM
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I tried something new today. I tried giving the damn about being afraid of overload. I immediately got very aware of fear. Fear of being HUGE, as HUGE as I AM. Scared as hell. And I tried giving the damn about being afraid. I just allowed the fear. I allowed it. I saw it.
And I suddenly saw how ludicrous it all is - I already am what I'm afraid of...  |
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2010 : 3:43:23 PM
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emc!
I won't give the damn about saying to you:
bravoooooo!
" I already am what I'm afraid of" ---> great truth. Thank you! |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2010 : 9:01:39 PM
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Ahhhh 
Now I see, the river was ecstatic conductivity. The dam was a blockage. It's more like piping than a river though. And I can just keep pumping ecstasy through the system, cleaning out more blocks.
It feels good when the blocks go. I can watch the energy flows and let them work their magic. Feeling safer by the day. Kind of a feeling of home.
Lots of energy in today's samyama, and the experience could be described as the opposite of fear. It was a divine safety, a divine shield around a powerful healing energy. That's me, my energy flowing. It's a good thing - purifying and opening.
Thanks! |
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Kundalini/Discomfort/Fear/Surrender
