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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 12:32:44 PM
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Namaste Friends!
Hope you all had a relaxing (or exciting, whichever you prefer  ) weekend!
Last night I had one of those seemingly "all-nighter" dreams and it brought to the surface some issues for me that I believe need to be addressed.
I had a difficult social life for a lot of my childhood....I grew up (for the most part) in a very small farming town (total pop. 3000) in which almost everyone living there had been born there. I moved there halfway through grade 1 and left halfway through grade 9. Because of this (moving into a new town halfway through the year) and the fact that everyone had been friends since birth, I was very much "the outsider" and spent most of my effort trying to "fit in" and feel "accepted". This never really happened for more then a few months at a time. I had "friends" who would plan together to hurt my feelings by doing things that took a co-operative effort and would very much make me continue to feel like the outsider. This pushed me in the direction of trying to fit in in whatever way I could....which ended up causing me to become a bit of a "bad boy" just so that others would not screw with me. I would get into really really violent fights, I became the town drug dealer (even to many of the adults), started having sex at a REALLY young age, etc etc etc..... But this "trauma" has never really been fully dealt with I don't think. It has left me with a near constant need for acceptance, even from those who don't have any influence in my life, and has left me with a predisposition towards being embarrassed.
The other side of this is my disposition towards feelings of "inadaquacy". For the most part this is mainly sexually related, but not always. I was fully sexually active from the age of 4. This has caused (probably obviously) some trauma for me (and others as well). By about the age of 12 I had had sex with several different girls, some younger, some older, and I was beginning to get a bit of a reputation as being quite good in bed. This caused the most popular girl in school (at least to me) to decide she wanted to have sex with me. This was completely disasterous for me. I got so mentally excited over this that I ejaculated very very quickly and was unable to satisfy her. This obviously got around my school/town very quickly and from that point on I have had a problem with feelings of sexual (at least) inadaquacy.
Well, last night as I said at the beginning, I had a disturbing all-night long dream. This basically was a dream that could be considered my "personal nightmare" combining all the "faults" I feel I have, into one big episode that left me feeling very troubled upon awakening. What I have realized from this is that these are the next two big issues I have to start dealing with.
So, my question is this: Do you have any specific suggestions on ways to go about dealing with deeply imbedded childhood trauma?
Love,
Carson |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Sep 21 2009 2:45:01 PM |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 3:25:20 PM
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hi Carson , i sort've been going through the same thing lately...
these things would come up or i would summon every disturbing memory i can find and try to understand it and accept it then i let go of it into samyama and it would transform into bliss...
loving acceptance is the key... and letting go and letting God take over our burdens... Thy will be done...
take care bro
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Konchok Ösel Dorje
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 3:40:17 PM
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I can't believe how similar our stories are.
Grew up small town, check.
Bad boy... people messing with me, check.
Sexually active from young age (5), check.
Issues, check.
Drug addiction history, check.
Tatoos, check.
Yoga, check. |
Edited by - Konchok Ösel Dorje on Sep 21 2009 3:47:45 PM |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 4:01:01 PM
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@Ananda
Yes, loving acceptance is key. It is so easy to fall back into the trap of feeling like there is something inherently WRONG with us.....especially when coming from a troubled background. Thank you for the loving reminder to accept what we are as That. Surrender. Thank you.
@Osel
Yes, we are very similar indeed. In more ways then you know and have stated....essentially we are One
Love,
Carson |
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Konchok Ösel Dorje
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 5:28:40 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
@Osel
Yes, we are very similar indeed. In more ways then you know and have stated....essentially we are One
Love,
Carson
That's true... It's only natural that we meet hear at this time. |
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littlejerry
USA
60 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 6:46:45 PM
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well i accepted the past pretty quickly once i decided to start this yoga deal... i thought about it in the shower and while still in the shower accepted it. Theres nothing you can do to change it. Its just a memory. Try to accept it.
now on certain practices to do this? lol IDK... Just focus on what your doing at this very moment... reading this type,sitting in a chair? at a desk? on the floor? on your phone? The truth can be hard to face.
hum... i was writing the other day on fear... lol at the end of the poem instead of "fear", "truth" can be substituted and still make sense... but at the end it says something like turn and look fear in the face? lol i forget what it says at the end i'll put it up in the poetry section when its ready and you can read.
You post a lot...(i've only been a member for a month or so and post a lot as well) um try incorporating some of these things in your life with people you interact with... not the specifics, but generalized... well especially this one... for example if asked a question that has you thinking of the past... or if a conversation reminds you of the past... be truthful/chime in and share something... be general... or if its someone your close to share details.
Well i hope this was helpful, and the weekend was spectacular. |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2009 : 10:51:22 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Namaste Friends!
Last night I had one of those seemingly "all-nighter" dreams and it brought to the surface some issues for me that I believe need to be addressed.
**
Well, last night as I said at the beginning, I had a disturbing all-night long dream. This basically was a dream that could be considered my "personal nightmare" combining all the "faults" I feel I have, into one big episode that left me feeling very troubled upon awakening. What I have realized from this is that these are the next two big issues I have to start dealing with.
So, my question is this: Do you have any specific suggestions on ways to go about dealing with deeply imbedded childhood trauma?
Love,
Carson
Hey Carson & All,
Some suggestions:
1. When in doubt, go with silence, not thoughts or feelings (this allows highest intuition to shine through, as opposed to blocking intuition with thinking, as conditioned memory-ego would have us do).
2. Practice the reality that neutralization of all memory-conditioning comes from allowing awareness to rest here, in the present moment.
Simply put: the less attention we give to any memory, the less power it has. Therapeutic solutions of various types may be of use to some, in certain situations (and, as in all things, let inner and/or outer guru be the guide here, rather than thinking-memory) but in general: the suffering comes from giving continued attention to the memory.
Release of the memory and conditioned interpretation *is* the healing.
3. Anticipating the question "Well, what about behavior or feelings that seem to be connected with past trauma?" (your dream being a presumed example) ..
Practices eradicate the lion's share of embedded conditioned memory; often, when stuff (such as your dream) arises, the mind feels like, "Oh, no! Stuff's coming up ... I've got to *deal* with it!" .... when, in reality ... the surfacing of the latent memory into formed consciousness (dream, in this case) .. *is* the releasing of the past impression ... psychic vomiting, if you will .... the poison's coming up and out .... "Ahhhh!"
I think it's the Bible that has a line about "like a dog turning again to its vomit".
Sometimes, the best way to address the vomit is simply to walk away ... that *is* the answer.
A young man once approached Ramana Maharshi, saying that he felt lust for a young neighbor girl, and was afraid he would "commit adultery" with her.
Ramana's answer to the young man's distress was to say:
"Don't do it. However, if you do it, don't think about it - for you are not the doer."
I'm basically saying the same, in a sense:
Not addressing, letting go .... being here now .... *is* the addressing of the past trauma; not giving it attention is the answer and the healing (unless strongly guided otherwise by highest intuition - as opposed to discursive thinking - of course).
*However* ... if you do think about the dream-memories/feel the need to address the dream-memories (knowing that anything other than silence is, itself, memory) ...... certain wisdom traditions have some powerful teachings and techniques regarding dream interpretation ..... and the important of always interpreting dreams *positively* ... which brings me to my fourth and last suggestion:
4. Become familiar with the principle that all uses of consciousness and forms within consciousness --- are creative (whether as the conscious will of awareness, creating now, or as the semi-conscious ego-memory, re-acting).
Review this Sophian Fellowship forum thread, by Tau Malachi on the Gnostic Christian Kabbalah approach to positive creation via dream interpretation.
Important Excerpt:
"According to the Zohar, all dreams, at every gradation, impure or pure, have a great manifesting power in them – everything that transpires in the world and in waking consciousness first takes place in dream and the inner dimension of consciousness, and it is revealed in dream or vision before it transpires in the world. This manifesting power is directed by the interpretation of the dream – whether an interpretation within the dream by the power of a lucid dreamer acting within the dream, or upon awakening from dream by the power prayer and invocation, speaking its interpretation. The key power, however, is speech upon awakening from dream, for it is by speech that what might have been accomplished in lucid dream is made complete and accomplished, and so it comes to pass as it is spoken.
Because of the power of the interpretations given of a dream – the great manifesting power directed by thought and speech, the Zohar teaches us that we must always draw out the truth from within our dreams and that we must always interpret dreams in a positive way, drawing out whatever blessings are in them. Likewise, because whatever a person might speak regarding our dreams also draws upon this same power, shaping what manifests, we should be careful with whom we share our dreams – if we are wise, we will share them only with people that we can trust and who love us, lest, if a person speaks a negative interpretation of dream, then rather than a blessing a curse may be invoked from it.
In this regard it does not matter what grade of dream we experience, or whether it is luminous or shadowy, pleasant or unpleasant – always we will speak a positive interpretation of the dream, and pray to the Holy One and Shekinah for what we have spoken to be made manifest. "
All thinking is creative on some level, and/or creative-power-obscuring via the conflicts of confused, conditioned memory (driving current conditioned thinking).
Worry is praying for what we don't want.
The Bible counsels us to build our house on rock .... not on shifting sands.
The shifting sands are the dreaming-thinking-memory of all vikalpas (thought-constructs) ... whether experienced in the dreaming state, or in dream-infused-waking.
The rock is the inner silence of this living unbound awareness that we each and all are, now.
I once said that in writing "Love, Carson" .. you had answered your own question.
The Kabbalah teaches that spiritual evolution is moving from the energy of "only to receive" to "receiving in order to bestow" to living only to bestow.
Turning away from memory, into Now; turning away from thought-of-self to how this moment can bless all (within whatever scope this moment contains or seems to contain) .... heals and resolves all, now.
How?
Thankfully, I have no idea.
Enough analysis; "now is for giving - for loving - for living!"
What say (all) ... we leave conditioned memories to analyze conditioned memories, all they like (?) .... they have nothing to do with us now really.
Let's let the dead bury their dead ...... we've got a lot of celebrating of living to create; this moment's overflowing with it ..... but only we can allow it .... it's like the whole universe is depending on us to bless it with this celebration.
Shall we?
(We shall - right now.)
_/\_
"Pre-PS to All: If I ever sound like I'm playing the one note of "stop thinking" over and over ...... there's a reason for that: it has been my direct experience that almost *all* thinking ... especially if it references the limited thought-self, or the thought-self's "past" (the dreaming-thinking happening now, that we call "memory") .... is the greatest realization-prevention tool ever projected by the memory called the thought-self (aka "me").
There's no such thing as "the past".
There's only dream-consciousness now, labeled as memory.
Does the exact configuration of the room or environment you're in ... or your body ... from five years ago ... actually exist somewhere?
How about from five seconds ago?
Even *now* isn't now .... your present perception is *already past* (there's a latency of something like 20 to 40/1000ths of a second, in even the most quickly processed perceptions).
Only awareness is real.
And awareness is utterly free.
And only the dream clouds of memory-thought can make it seem otherwise.
I hope this helps, Brother Carson!
If I ever seem *really* emphatic about some of this stuff, it's only because I'm truly intending to help you create the reality intended via the question you ask (and I admit: I'm interpreting "dealing with" {childhood trauma} as "healing from").
ALL healing/"dealing with" that I've ever experienced directly, has had to do with simply releasing thoughts called "the past" (and/or the future, and/or "what to do?", and/or any other ideas of limited mind), at every level (including the "thought called me"), and all the memory-conditioning comprising it.
Practices dissolve the stuff embedded in physical/psychic memory; consciously releasing the rest - now - dissolves the conditioned memory being dreamed-remembered (aka thinking) now.
This liberates the blessing power of the awareness we actually are now to shine through - blessing all, now.
It's a technique thing.
There's one actual power in the universe.
Memory isn't it.
What we each and all actually are, now ---- *IS*.
Heart Is Where The AUM Is,
Kirtanman
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Edited by - Kirtanman on Sep 21 2009 10:56:25 PM |
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Akasha
421 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 08:19:11 AM
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Satsang with Akasha
Who is Carson/CarsonZi or even Carsonji ?
But who is he?
Check Box-
Tick,
Tick,
Tick,
Tick,
Tick,
Tick.........
Q-But who is he really?
A-Mmmmm......None of those things
Congratulations!!!
You are now free.
Just when we think we may have learnt all of life's biggest lessons, life can have a way of slapping us right back in the face.Every moment,day is an opportunity for growth. In fact it never stops....it goes on and on and on and on.I learnt from this XYZ, and did all this XYZ and so on.After this trying period or succession of years doing this i'm now this.And so on.
We do love reading your stories,Carson(so please don't stop posting them) but they are just that- mind-stories,self-narrations, and conflations of ego/mind, pride-projections.We have all been traumatised by life on some level or another, everyone of us. This feeds into our sense of victim hood. The poor boy from the troubled background and his-story that done good through yoga or whatver other means is illusory, as it can all come crashiing down again, and agin.These are the moments we waake up to our own impermanence and re-assurances of the false notions of security tied up with the I-self and our own identifications, and self-identity.
Okay-- must go off to court now- guess that must make me a "bad boy"
Love
Akasha
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Edited by - Akasha on Sep 22 2009 08:46:44 AM |
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littlejerry
USA
60 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 08:32:11 AM
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I disagree Kirt... if the mind has a problem... the mind should work it out... if the problem is buried and turned away from the problem will arise again... only stronger and more troublesome... so deal to the best of your ability... some problems take longer to solve... to bury these would create another problem in itself... face the problem
and handle at your own pace, but FACE the problem. |
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littlejerry
USA
60 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 09:36:38 AM
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i'm referring to the dog and vomit... make sure i understand and you understand my take... the dog vomits... then turns to check out the vomit... i assume this is what that means
If the dog turns away from the vomit the vomit doesnt go away... it will break down or whatever and become one with the earth... so if you turn away from a problem the problem will become one with you... lol this is my opinion |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 10:43:55 AM
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Hi littlejerry......
quote:
Originally posted by littlejerry
well i accepted the past pretty quickly once i decided to start this yoga deal... i thought about it in the shower and while still in the shower accepted it. Theres nothing you can do to change it. Its just a memory. Try to accept it.
Good to hear that you have accepted your past. That is really wonderful for you. What I have found is that just when you "think" you have accepted the past, Life throws you a curve ball to remind you that there are many levels of acceptance. For me, what I wrote above, is something I thought I have dealt with many times. Many many many times. What I was asking for was basically suggestions on how to accept the subtlest levels of "conditioned memory"....the ones you already thought you HAD accepted.
quote:
Originally posted by littlejerry
now on certain practices to do this? lol IDK... Just focus on what your doing at this very moment... reading this type,sitting in a chair? at a desk? on the floor? on your phone?
Yeah, this is something I have been doing for quite a while now. My own form of constant "mindfulness".
quote:
Originally posted by littlejerry
The truth can be hard to face.
Indeed. It is imperitive that we are honest with ourselves.
quote:
Originally posted by littlejerry
hum... i was writing the other day on fear... lol at the end of the poem instead of "fear", "truth" can be substituted and still make sense... but at the end it says something like turn and look fear in the face? lol i forget what it says at the end i'll put it up in the poetry section when its ready and you can read.
I look forward to it!
quote:
Originally posted by littlejerry
You post a lot...(i've only been a member for a month or so and post a lot as well)
 ....I used to post way more...I try to keep it reasonable.... but some things I have a hard time not commenting on, and I find writing about my "mind stories" a great way of seeing through them. Not to mention it can be useful for others too as they can see their own mind stories in my mind stories, and start to see through their own as well.
quote:
Originally posted by littlejerry
um try incorporating some of these things in your life with people you interact with... not the specifics, but generalized... well especially this one... for example if asked a question that has you thinking of the past... or if a conversation reminds you of the past... be truthful/chime in and share something... be general... or if its someone your close to share details.
For me in this regards it is not conversations that lead me to "think" about the past. It is usually during sexual relations with my wife that I become "self conscious" and have "performance anxiety" for lack of a better term. And it isn't caused by "thinking" about the past it is just felt as a conditioned response....it is basically subconscious at this level.
Glad you had a great weekend! Thanks for the advice.
Love,
Carson |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 11:19:00 AM
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Hey Kirtanman.....
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Some suggestions:
1. When in doubt, go with silence, not thoughts or feelings (this allows highest intuition to shine through, as opposed to blocking intuition with thinking, as conditioned memory-ego would have us do).
Always a good strategy. How would you suggest that be done though in a circumstance like what occured a few weeks ago...I will explain... My wife and I were engaged in intimacy and I had had several energetic orgasms already and was feeling very very good, very open and flowing...... but no matter how hard I tried (probably the problem right there) I could not "satisfy" her. Eventually I got frustrated as my whole body was getting very tired and overworked and I knew I was not going to be able to satisfy her. I wasn't thinking about anything at this point except how to "finish her off" (remember my wife is not tantric)....but the tension was building.... eventually I noticed the tension but by that point it was too late and I was about ready to explode in frustration/fury/fear/inadaquacy feelings/embarrassment/self loathing etc etc etc. At this point, yeah, I am thinking too much... "I'm a lousy lover", "I've ALWAYS been a lousy lover", etc etc etc. And at that point I find it very difficult to "find silence". This is probably the ONLY time nowadays when I cannot find silence and it this situation is pretty rare. Which is why, despite this being an easily seen through "mind story" for most, I am struggling with it. This is VERY deeply embedded in my psyche and subconcious, or at least so it seems.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
2. Practice the reality that neutralization of all memory-conditioning comes from allowing awareness to rest here, in the present moment.
Simply put: the less attention we give to any memory, the less power it has. Therapeutic solutions of various types may be of use to some, in certain situations (and, as in all things, let inner and/or outer guru be the guide here, rather than thinking-memory) but in general: the suffering comes from giving continued attention to the memory.
Yes, for sure. This is seen here too. The more I focus on those past memories of being a lousy lover, the more I suffer over them. But I don't seem to feel that I am focussing on this (other then in this thread) except when something occurs that directly reflects the past....like my above example. It has been quite a while (several months now) since I have had a "mind trap" hit me like this one did. I have not felt any suffering, have not gotten angry or upset for a long time (for me). And I kinda felt that perhaps I had gotten to a point where I could deal with anything Life threw at me. And then this happens which really tossed me for a loop. I have not been suffering over this incident since it happened, but my wife and I have not had sex again since then, and I can feel the sexual tension she has now. I want to allieviate that for her and make this right again, but I can't until I conquer this "thought pattern" in myself.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Release of the memory and conditioned interpretation *is* the healing.
Absolutely. And that release of the memory is done how?
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
3. Anticipating the question "Well, what about behavior or feelings that seem to be connected with past trauma?" (your dream being a presumed example) ..
Practices eradicate the lion's share of embedded conditioned memory; often, when stuff (such as your dream) arises, the mind feels like, "Oh, no! Stuff's coming up ... I've got to *deal* with it!" .... when, in reality ... the surfacing of the latent memory into formed consciousness (dream, in this case) .. *is* the releasing of the past impression ... psychic vomiting, if you will .... the poison's coming up and out .... "Ahhhh!"
I think it's the Bible that has a line about "like a dog turning again to its vomit".
Wanna know how synchronistic my life has become? This morning at 4am, my wife and I awoke to my dog puking dog poop on the bedroom carpet and licking it up. NOT kidding . After cleaning it up (which took us almost an hour there was so much) I couldn't sleep and came on the forum to read this post from you. THAT's how synchronistic my life has become hahaha.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Sometimes, the best way to address the vomit is simply to walk away ... that *is* the answer.
I wish (in the case of physical dog puke on my bedroom carpet). But yes, I see what you are saying. Drop the thought, walk away. And when they are consistant in returning, consistantly drop it and walk away.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Not addressing, letting go .... being here now .... *is* the addressing of the past trauma; not giving it attention is the answer and the healing (unless strongly guided otherwise by highest intuition - as opposed to discursive thinking - of course).
I used to always think of this as taking the "ignorance is Bliss" path....and I used to accuse my Grandma of living like this....now I just think she is enlightened
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
*However* ... if you do think about the dream-memories/feel the need to address the dream-memories (knowing that anything other than silence is, itself, memory) ...... certain wisdom traditions have some powerful teachings and techniques regarding dream interpretation ..... and the important of always interpreting dreams *positively* ... which brings me to my fourth and last suggestion:
4. Become familiar with the principle that all uses of consciousness and forms within consciousness --- are creative (whether as the conscious will of awareness, creating now, or as the semi-conscious ego-memory, re-acting).
Review this Sophian Fellowship forum thread, by Tau Malachi on the Gnostic Christian Kabbalah approach to positive creation via dream interpretation.
Important Excerpt:
"According to the Zohar, all dreams, at every gradation, impure or pure, have a great manifesting power in them – everything that transpires in the world and in waking consciousness first takes place in dream and the inner dimension of consciousness, and it is revealed in dream or vision before it transpires in the world. This manifesting power is directed by the interpretation of the dream – whether an interpretation within the dream by the power of a lucid dreamer acting within the dream, or upon awakening from dream by the power prayer and invocation, speaking its interpretation. The key power, however, is speech upon awakening from dream, for it is by speech that what might have been accomplished in lucid dream is made complete and accomplished, and so it comes to pass as it is spoken.
Because of the power of the interpretations given of a dream – the great manifesting power directed by thought and speech, the Zohar teaches us that we must always draw out the truth from within our dreams and that we must always interpret dreams in a positive way, drawing out whatever blessings are in them. Likewise, because whatever a person might speak regarding our dreams also draws upon this same power, shaping what manifests, we should be careful with whom we share our dreams – if we are wise, we will share them only with people that we can trust and who love us, lest, if a person speaks a negative interpretation of dream, then rather than a blessing a curse may be invoked from it.
In this regard it does not matter what grade of dream we experience, or whether it is luminous or shadowy, pleasant or unpleasant – always we will speak a positive interpretation of the dream, and pray to the Holy One and Shekinah for what we have spoken to be made manifest. "
Hmmmm....very interesting...thank you for sharing this Kirtanman. I guess me coming on here to the forum, and posting this thread is kinda my way of putting speach to the dream and hopefully a positive interpretation as well. Thank you for sharing this.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
All thinking is creative on some level, and/or creative-power-obscuring via the conflicts of confused, conditioned memory (driving current conditioned thinking).
Worry is praying for what we don't want.
The Bible counsels us to build our house on rock .... not on shifting sands.
The shifting sands are the dreaming-thinking-memory of all vikalpas (thought-constructs) ... whether experienced in the dreaming state, or in dream-infused-waking.
The rock is the inner silence of this living unbound awareness that we each and all are, now.
I once said that in writing "Love, Carson" .. you had answered your own question.
The Kabbalah teaches that spiritual evolution is moving from the energy of "only to receive" to "receiving in order to bestow" to living only to bestow.
Turning away from memory, into Now; turning away from thought-of-self to how this moment can bless all (within whatever scope this moment contains or seems to contain) .... heals and resolves all, now.
How?
Thankfully, I have no idea.
Enough analysis; "now is for giving - for loving - for living!"
What say (all) ... we leave conditioned memories to analyze conditioned memories, all they like (?) .... they have nothing to do with us now really.
Let's let the dead bury their dead ...... we've got a lot of celebrating of living to create; this moment's overflowing with it ..... but only we can allow it .... it's like the whole universe is depending on us to bless it with this celebration.
Shall we?
(We shall - right now.)
_/\_
Wow....you really know how to pack a punch there Brother.....I got no words other then "wow", and "thanks".
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
I hope this helps, Brother Carson!
d==b
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
If I ever seem *really* emphatic about some of this stuff, it's only because I'm truly intending to help you create the reality intended via the question you ask (and I admit: I'm interpreting "dealing with" {childhood trauma} as "healing from").
Yes.....dealing with ='s healing for me.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
ALL healing/"dealing with" that I've ever experienced directly, has had to do with simply releasing thoughts called "the past" (and/or the future, and/or "what to do?", and/or any other ideas of limited mind), at every level (including the "thought called me"), and all the memory-conditioning comprising it.
Practices dissolve the stuff embedded in physical/psychic memory; consciously releasing the rest - now - dissolves the conditioned memory being dreamed-remembered (aka thinking) now.
This liberates the blessing power of the awareness we actually are now to shine through - blessing all, now.
It's a technique thing.
There's one actual power in the universe.
Memory isn't it.
What we each and all actually are, now ---- *IS*.
Thanks brother Kirtanman....you are an inspiration as always for me.
Love,
Carson |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Sep 22 2009 11:23:00 AM |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 11:34:22 AM
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Hi Akasha....
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Satsang with Akasha
A pleasure to attend
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Who is Carson/CarsonZi or even Carsonji ?
He is you and you are he.
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Check Box-
Tick,
Tick,
Tick,
Tick,
Tick,
Tick.........
Q-But who is he really?
A-Mmmmm......None of those things
Congratulations!!!
You are now free.
Indeed. I truly am none of those things I have always felt I am. Those things above are my conditionings, my biases, they are not me. Thank you for reminding me of this.
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Just when we think we may have learnt all of life's biggest lessons, life can have a way of slapping us right back in the face.
Absolutely, this is why I created this thread. I thought I had learned this lesson and moved on. Life likes to throw curve balls.
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Every moment,day is an opportunity for growth. In fact it never stops....it goes on and on and on and on.I learnt from this XYZ, and did all this XYZ and so on.After this trying period or succession of years doing this i'm now this.And so on.
Yes for sure....just recently I posted that "Life is the best teacher". And it is. Especially if you are looking at every situation you encounter as a chance to learn and grow. Thankfully I can say that I do this consistantly.
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
We do love reading your stories,Carson(so please don't stop posting them) but they are just that- mind-stories,self-narrations, and conflations of ego/mind, pride-projections.
Yes I know. But as I said above to littlejerry, posting (about) my mind-stories helps me to see through them quickly, and can help others who can relate to do so as well. When I start writing down my mind stories, it becomes pretty obvious (to me) that I am stuck in my head, and it becomes much easier to drop back into heart.
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
We have all been traumatised by life on some level or another, everyone of us. This feeds into our sense of victim hood.
Or our sense of being the "perpetrator"....yes for sure.
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
The poor boy from the troubled background and his-story that done good through yoga or whatver other means is illusory, as it can all come crashiing down again, and agin.These are the moments we waake up to our own impermanence and re-assurances of the false notions of security tied up with the I-self and our own identifications, and self-identity.
Absolutely. I am not who I "think" I am...I just am.
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Okay-- must go off to court now- guess that must make me a "bad boy"
Good luck Bad Boy
Love,
Carson
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Edited by - CarsonZi on Sep 22 2009 11:36:12 AM |
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littlejerry
USA
60 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 4:10:54 PM
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| thank you carson...i'll keep in mind what you said about the acceptance of past events. |
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Akasha
421 Posts |
Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 12:52:17 AM
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Hi Carson,
quote:
Yes I know. But as I said above to littlejerry, posting (about) my mind-stories helps me to see through them quickly, and can help others who can relate to do so as well. When I start writing down my mind stories, it becomes pretty obvious (to me) that I am stuck in my head, and it becomes much easier to drop back into heart.
Suppose it's cathartic just writing it down.You feel there's someone listening, or could be listening.
Life
is Sadhana
is Life
"Curve-balls" - i'm getting this metaphor of a bowling alley, perhaps in Canada, and i'm seeing moon-boots(80's style[;)) and maybe skis.And i'm seeing the balls wind round on their spinning trajectory-paths.Suppose a life's various cycles and phases can be like that.one bowl at a time.
quote:
Good luck Bad Boy
Well it did'nt go too good as the two witnesses turned up. And then i heard a pack of nonsense from one of them.All i could feel was sorry for her, and
slightly helpless. But i'm just glad to be getting it over with shortly.the courts are'nt so bad but obsessed with ritual and protocol and a solemn business-like courtroom. It's the police/law-enforcement; i tend to feel they have too much power.And that can mean they can abuse it. Like when they write/file a report, that is the main peice of evidence on offer,as well as a list of previous convictions the defendant might have.But the defendant is not asked to document his version of events.So it's open to abuse ,especially if they're prosecution.It's also a reminder of my old residence and i think i was a bit depressed living there but it was where/when i discovered practiced hatha yoga as soon as moved in, and then had the premture K awakening 11 months later( see, still mind-diving,life-story narrating)I'm now just recovering more or less. I get better as each month passes ,i think, thankfully.Thankyou God.
That is only why i say when we think we've mastered the art of living complacency can slip back in- It happens.
Relative to powerful yoga pracitce, we can try to guard aginst adverse effects, if we self-pace.
Okay ,what have we got here-
-Rough inner city
-Rough inner city comprehensive/sec. school( where I did feel different and it was just something i had to endure,get through. I spoke diferent for one.My folks were english,not scottish,now i've lost that accent influence.(primary school was alot easier/middle class and i guess you don't really choose your childhood, or intelligently)
Okay now i manage to get to University-study philosophy and english for 5 year- as you can see my thinking is very lucid- only kidding btw.)But from the start i get embroiled in the E scene/rave culture.At school it was dope and acid in the eighties and alot of bob marley music,as my mates mum supplied the hash and lived round the corner)The Ecstasy/rave culture scene kind of blew me & my mind somewhere....I'm glad i did'nt drop out because of it but i always felt an outsider throughout life.I hung out with alot of hippy types and ravers when it first hit the UK.
Then i finish Uni and travel to teach english in Japan twice , though i end up geting deported.
I arrive back here in this mean city and i get embroiled in the IV smack scene/culture(97). It is enjoyable & anaestheticing as i kind of had a nervous breakdown ameliorated by turning to smack. Mother Heroin would make it all better. Ahhhh.And i suppose it was just like out of Train Spotting. It can be such a simplifcation of life- having a heroin/smack adiction.It was a laugh,especially the shopllifting(though i tended to focus exclusively just on nicking vodka out of big supermaket chains- from 2-6 bottles at a time, and the odd occassion the cameras clocked me. it was an adrenaline buzz in itself though. and then you got anotheer dopamine reward when you got home.unsusatainable and uncertain lifestyle though)But the things one did to finance the habit were often silly.. BUt i think experience of withdrawals,waiting for your hit the next day,had actually had given my some experience letting-go when i first encountered hatha yoga.It made me determined to put in the effort/tapas though probably too much.
So came off themethadone script and tried a few asana class-felt enrgised first time this happened after doing excerise. I do find when you hit 30 you become more settled in life,calm dopwn quite a bit especially the drugs/alcohol etc, though i agree yoga could make this occur earlier, stop one chasing for things,goals atc.
But the aftermath of drug addiction you have to find something to fill it with. And yoga is perfect.We are both the lucky ones.
But yess i can relate to that sense of feeling the outsider-like you were different,not that i ddid'nt fit.Buti felt bohemian and a hedonist( and like that tune 'Open your Mind and your Ass will Follow'-Funkadelica)So my childhood was fairly happy but secondary school was such a drag and i feel the dope smoking kept me sane(while everyone else,the world seemed kinda square. that's not a very nice thing to say is it? so this was like 1980's ,i guess))Actually A belief in oneself,an over-confidence.And feeling inspired to marvel that life and Universe really had no limitations -it was what you made it. i think early acid/lsd dope usage and the hippy thinker types i hung with had alot to do with that. that psychedlic inspired perception of the world. though i'm not really of that persuasion now. I agree it could help you work through conceivably stubborn layers,blockages, and even addictions and traumas by yes perhaps releasing the stored memory conditionig patterns ( resident in Consciousness/Min/Brain) this is how we can change the neural prograaming to cure drug addiction as we purify the dopamine habituation & reward-cenntres. At least this is what happened to me. The cravings just dissapeared and i thoughti had actually discovered a pretty effective CURE for heroin addiction if only people put in some earnest effort doin the practices ( like i did).I was so excited.
We're probably not that much different.I appreciate you generous and open sharing Carson.Droppin back into Heart -i guess that is authentic.Opening to it All.
Heart-opening is something we all crave...... journey towards,quest after
Reality is what you make of it----- This is a divine insight
Love Akasha
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Edited by - Akasha on Sep 23 2009 02:40:42 AM |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 11:07:24 AM
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Hi Akasha.....
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Suppose it's cathartic just writing it down.You feel there's someone listening, or could be listening.
It's not about someone else listening at all.....the writing it down allows me to put words to the problem, and in putting words to the problem, the problem is often seen through. In order to properly express through dialogue the problem, I need to fully understand the problem....in fully understanding the problem the solution is usually seen as well. I write these "mind stories" down so that I can find the solution within. This works for me. I suppose I don't need to be writing this down in a public forum, but there are many benefits to doing so.
1. Others who can relate to the problem expressed can find their own solutions both by reading and by conversing.
2. Is is saved for posterity, so the growth can be remembered and appreciated in the future.
3. Others can feel the joy of helping another.
So, there are many benefits to writing down the mind's stories. But there are also pitfalls as well.....focussing on anything brings it to manifestation. So it is good to be able to identify, discuss, and release. This approach seems to be working wonders for me.
Sorry to hear your court date didn't go as well as it could have. Hopefully something good will come of this. Thanks for sharing.
Love,
Carson |
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Akasha
421 Posts |
Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 12:33:43 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Carson
quote:
Originally posted by Akasha
Suppose it's cathartic just writing it down.You feel there's someone listening, or could be listening.
quote:
It's not about someone else listening at all.....the writing it down allows me to put words to the problem, and in putting words to the problem, the problem is often seen through.
Yes, but by relating to other people, you are connecting with a shared humanity.......and therefore feel alot less alone. Otherwise you could just as easily be be jotting down notes on a scrapbook in your attic..... and geting the same result.
But yes ,the writing process, by effecting a soltuion to your imagined problem, is therefore a catharsis in itself> And i'm sure alot of writers write because it is offloading.... a meditation of sorts.
quote:
In order to properly express through dialogue the problem, I need to fully understand the problem....in fully understanding the problem the solution is usually seen as well. I write these "mind stories" down so that I can find the solution within. This works for me.
I see.
Helpful if you've got inner silence so you can see them for what they are,as Yogani says "relationally" ( i know you're so fond of your qoutation marks)
quote:
1. Others who can relate to the problem expressed can find their own solutions both by reading and by conversing.
-----True
quote:
2. Is is saved for posterity, so the growth can be remembered and appreciated in the future.----
Yeah but you can save anything you like for propsperity apart form memory and existence perhaps.Find Drive C- Click 'Save', Gift to a Museum,Bury in the hope of someone finding ,Hang on a Wall or Mantlepeice, Bequeath to your grandkids etc
quote:
3. Others can feel the joy of helping another.
yes,which is helping oneself really.
quote:
So, there are many benefits to writing down the mind's stories. But there are also pitfalls as well.....focussing on anything brings it to manifestation. So it is good to be able to identify, discuss, and release. This approach seems to be working wonders for me.
Being careful not to buy into them, perpetuate,repeat...habits ,patterns, reactive behaviour etc
I believe Samayama is good for that- releasing stored (Mind)Stories/Thought patterns/(Negative) Emotions. I've yet to fully explor this tool,Carson.. first time i tried after dm i could feel the little fireworks goin of in the crown- interesting indeed.
Letting those stubborn emotions that hang on,hangers on, go, and drop into more and more inner silence...the result-- a beautiful Bliss.
quote:
Sorry to hear your court date didn't go as well as it could have. Hopefully something good will come of this. Thanks for sharing.
yes i've always felt somewhat depressed,depnding on what else is going on with my life, after attending these, and i've attended half a dozen perhaps times past year becuase of various delays/postponements in the process - it all depends on witnesses turning up, otherwise the case is dropped, and it is very petty.so i have a lot i should be very thankful for,Carson.) .Very depressing. But good to get it done with. I talked with a brother this morning and some advice i think i got from the conversation was not to fight with it mentally( resist), even if i am innocent.
This is what i feel.Because legal stuff is stressful. BUT Even if there are some things in life you feel you have no control over,As you say yourself- 'just left the chips fall where they may'. One just has to go with the flow sometimes, when we fell we are limited.This is what i always am learning. Not fight etc>Fighting just makes the 'letting go' much harder and painful.Resistance is futile Active Surrender is'nt.
quote:
Love,
Carson
Yes Carson, we love you.
You've made me proud |
Edited by - Akasha on Sep 23 2009 12:44:16 PM |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 10:03:34 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Thanks brother Kirtanman....you are an inspiration as always for me.
Love,
Carson
& Thanks, Brother Carson .... you are an inspiration as always, for me.
& Thanks, All .... you are an inspiration as always, for me.
That's how it works .... individuality is the dream ....
... the unity of mutuality .... common unity ..... *community* *is* reality, now ... *is* the Heart of ALL.
& Heart is where the AUM Is.
AUM Sweet AUM (alternate spelling: L O V E).
_/\_ |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 11:02:01 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by littlejerry
I disagree Kirt... if the mind has a problem... the mind should work it out... if the problem is buried and turned away from the problem will arise again... only stronger and more troublesome... so deal to the best of your ability... some problems take longer to solve... to bury these would create another problem in itself... face the problem
and handle at your own pace, but FACE the problem.
Hi littlejerry,
Solving the problems of mind with mind ... is much like trying to melt ice with ice .... it doesn't work so well.
Ice needs a catalyst ... light ... heat ... to help the solid cubes melt back into their natural unity.
Guess where the idea that mind issues should be solved with mind comes from?
(Rhetorical question ....  )
Conditioning has taught us all that "thinking things through" and "not suppressing" is the way to go.
Thinking things through is what obscures wisdom ... it's the cloud cover that prevents the wisdom of life ... intuition ... from shining through.
Living in a conceptual world of "issues" that need to be addressed by thinking about them and/or "dealing with" them *reinforces* & *recreates* the memory of the illusion of separate self .... the "me" who has the issues.
It's deeply conditioned; as "human animal" - we developed focus on form and distinction as survival traits ("friend or foe"?, "edible/non-edible?", "issue/non-issue"?).
A large part of the problem is that "mind" *thinks* it's different, in each "individual" ... and, therefore, it *thinks* it is limited to the aggregate of its memories and learned behaviors ... and more .... it thinks of this aggregate as "me".
I'm guessing you may have noticed:
Not all these aggregates are "created equally" ...... and some have significantly better coping and evaluation skills than others.
However, regardless of that ..... they (ego-minds) have one thing in common:
They're all a perception mechanism dreaming they're a self.
And they are all ..... *ALL* ... (just to be clear: *ALL*) .... utterly unable to distinguish truth from falsehood.
Yes: ALL.
(How well do your eyes hear?)
What we *think* of as mind is an effect of duality; it is not qualified to take us out of the dream that duality is the sum total of existence.
(How well does your nose see?)
Suppression doesn't work either, of course .... the energy expenditure and cost is as high as "thinking about/dealing with" ..... dream of duality, and of partial-separate self continues under either of those scenarios.
Simply intending attention all the way here .... presence .... now.
Fill this moment with attention-awareness.
Ahhhhh.
*Nice!*
No past, no future, no me, no you, no issues ........ just this; form noticed by the substratum of awareness.
NOW & "me" (including "my thoughts", "my past", "my issues", etc.) are mutually exclusive ..... "me" is part of the trap of the concept of time.
Present-awareness-now is all that's real.
Present-aware-open-silence ..... attention dialed all the way *open*, now ... relaxed acceptance, instead of focus .... *is* liberation.
It's what brings the power of *all* the consciousness we are ... which is *ALL*-*NOW* ... to solve or re-solve anything that needs salve ... or salvation.
(BTW ... you know where the word "salvation" comes from? From the Greek term taken from the Sanskrit "Sarva" ... "whole", or "entire". To have salvation ... to be healed ... to have health .... is to be whole.)
Wholeness can never be understood; it can only be known in experience.
Wholeness is the truth -- the knowing of which makes us free.
Mind ... thinking mind ... is partial-dual ... false ... a sense dreaming it's a self.
Transcending mind .... turning away from the ice that is the closed loop of ego-memory con-fused with conditioning-memory .... parts the clouds ... and lets the silent light of full consciousness shine through & *melt* the ice.
That is the "dealing with it" and the "healing from it".
This can't be accepted with mind .... because mind has no reference point with which *to* accept it.
However .... there is a reason that every wisdom tradition around the world teaches that the highest stage is the supernal ... nirvikalpa ... thought-free awareness; that enlightenment and liberation are only found *beyond* the cloud-cover of thinking.
Thinking isn't really using mind ... it's *blocking* the natural light of mind with dream-memories, mistakenly conceived to be reality.
And ... there's a reason people have been dedicating their lives to this meditation stuff for many thousands of years, all over the world:
It works.
And not only can it free you from the tyranny of thinking (and death and rebirth and stuff).
It's the ONLY thing that can.
And deep down, you already know this ... because, deep down ... the very liberation of which I speak is who and what you actually are, now.
Not only wouldn't I say this if it weren't true; I couldn't.
Health heals.
Life lives.
Enlightenment lights.
Freedom frees.
It only costs everything ...... and yet, when you have it ... you laughingly sing:
"I call this a bargain .......... the best I ever haaaaaaad!!!"
(No Kidding.)
"PS" - Thinking not only kills; it makes sure you stay dead.
(And no, I don't mean "I think we need more dog food" kind of thinking .... getting all paranoid about thinking is another trick of thinking mind; it's the habitual obsession with conceptual thinking .... memory, imagination; issues, issues about issues; "oh no what if"; "why??", etc. etc. --- cogito ergo nauseum).
If thinking, ego and memory could be rendered visually ... you'd see a frozen, maggot-gnawed corpse laying in a pile of icy dust and cobwebs.
Meditation opens the crypt door ... and lets the fresh light of the silence of the 99%+ of true nature that's never been frozen; the ice melts, the corpse dissolves into the most glorious rainbow you've never seen .... freedom abounds, love radiates ... and it's quite literally all good.
So, ready?
Okay.
Bring awareness all the way into this moment.
Let attention rest with the actual experiencing awareness, now.
Prior to thought.
Prior to time.
Prior to space.
Only here.
Only now.
Repeat after me:
"Let there be light ......"
_/\_ |
Edited by - Kirtanman on Sep 23 2009 11:11:25 PM |
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Disturbing Dream...Embarrassment and Inadaquacy
