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Jonjarrah
USA
5 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 12 2024 : 6:16:24 PM
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Hello I have a question I have search for an answer on for years and although I have gained many insights from my search I would like some clarity if one could provide it.
I have been on a spiritual path for years and along my path I have discovered much about myself but one thing has evaded me.
From a young age I have been drawn to crossdressing. I have searched high and low for the spiritual significance of this. I understand our true godly nature is shakti/shiva which lends me to beleive there may be some correlation.
I find myself in a relationship with a wonderful women with whom I have been able to begin my path of sacred sex with. Though I find I adhere more to the femine principle and her to the masculine. I do not have insecurity in my physical gender but I do have a strong feminine nature that comes out in our sexual interactions.
I hold space for her as if I am the fabric of space and charge her energy through the worship of her feminine form to complete the loop creating a melding of shakti and shiva. I beleive this allows her to bring me into the experience with the divine feminine force and for me to provide the space for her to do so. During our intercourse I open my heart to let in and let out the divine energy.
The value I cherish the most is surrender were I take on a more passive role, raising her upon a throne where our energies meld.
I find this act of surrender is correlated to my crossdressing. The physical ritual puts me more in touch with the feminine force and I feel it reinforces the surrender of the animalistic part of me.
My crossdressing is relatively limited, I do not find a need to goto great extents, for the most part an undergarment is all I am drawn to, though there are times I feel the urge to temporarily embody the feminine in its full form and beauty physically.
This has caused quite a bit of confusion. From the physical world I feel it is harmless and of no importance. The issue arises when I try to explore where and why this physical manifestation originates.
In the past I have felt strong urges to be the receptive partner wishing at times I was the yoni holder. Though this urge has receded as I have been able to meld with my girlfriend spiritually and transcend the physical body were I feel I am the yoni holder and lingam holder at the same time.
The yoni holds immense power and I am drawn to it, possessing it and being possessed by it. I understand that there is a theme of power and lust in this which I would also like to get some advice on.
I seek the power of the yoni not to wield power but to realize my full potential through melding with its power. As for lust I do find my animalistic side manifests as a receptive being that craves fulfillment. I recognize this side of me as somthing to tame and is spiritually unhealthy as this urge can run rampant. It also confuses me as a man that I want a women to be the lingum holder and me the yoni holder.
I have gained more control over this through sacred sex but it still calls to me. I fear it is a call to a dark side of me one that requires my attention and devotion to a higher self in which I focus more on the union as opposed to lust.
One major component of this is I admire the females ability to experience a more energetic state during sex whereas the male craves completion. I want to experience the full joy of sexual intercourse without moving into lust. In the past being a receptive partner has allowed me to enjoy the act rather than lust for completion. I also feel more filled with love when I recieve generation that when I give it.
I have more recently been able to experience the energetic state as the active partner but to do so I practice a ritual of worshipping my female partner and her yoni and melding with her pleasure I treat her yoni as if it is my own feeding her my energy and her reciprocating by feeding me her energy, and then looping between each other.
I enjoy being generated but fear her using a strapon would be bad for us energetically.
Can anyone provide any advice or has a similiar experience that they could grant me better understanding of this situation |
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Dogboy
USA
2201 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2024 : 05:36:47 AM
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quote:
It also confuses me as a man that I want a women to be the lingum holder and me the yoni holder...I have more recently been able to experience the energetic state as the active partner but to do so I practice a ritual of worshipping my female partner and her yoni and melding with her pleasure I treat her yoni as if it is my own feeding her my energy and her reciprocating by feeding me her energy, and then looping between each other... One major component of this is I admire the females ability to experience a more energetic state during sex whereas the male craves completion. I want to experience the full joy of sexual intercourse without moving into lust.
I enjoy being generated but fear her using a strapon would be bad for us energetically.
For the record, I am a tantrik but have no tantric partner, so my tantric experience has been entirely solo. Before AYP my identity was entirely cis male, yet there is no denying the spiritual processes, over time, creeps our identities towards androgyny. Since the rise of conductivity in my body, often in DM I find myself writhing inside in the passion and union of Shakti and Shiva. I've heard it said that as yogis, we dress as Shakti to attract Shiva, we do our practices with intention, attention, and desire, then Shiva will mate with us and blend. This blending has multiple artistic depictions in history of them, both in union and as one being. That you are a yogi, that you were drawn to cross dressing since childhood, that you have allowed your self to reveal your inner desires, is no accident. In utero we start off androgynous, until a point the body goes towards on gender or the other. It is not unreasonable to believe that process allows for a lot on variables in that binary "decision". It really must be confusing, and I applaud that you seek clarity rather than burying it deep.
It is alright to express yourself both actively or passively, and you are very lucky to have an understanding partner allowing you to do so. Whatever you and your partner decide to do and how to do it, as long as it is done with loving intention, is okay. There are many who think using a strap-on might "reverse the polarity", by my gut instinct thinks a whole lot depends on self inquiry, and understanding your intentions. As with all practice, we must evaluate them on an ongoing basis, and make adjustments as needed with the results. That is our job for stability's sake.
From what I've experienced, tantra practices are best done with slow and loving attention. If you fall into "lust", just as you lose the mantra in DM, you gentle favor returning to the the process. I would be careful with attachments that derail you from the path of realization. If you notice attachments, take the time to inquire and drop them into your well of inner silence. If you find yourself seeking power, perhaps give that another look.
In short, we are blooming flowers, and will change as we age and learn of ourselves along the way. Enjoy your partner and the love you share, and make sure to show it in the everyday. Know yourself 
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Jonjarrah
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2024 : 6:42:30 PM
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Thank you dogboy for taking the time to respond and your non-judgemental response.
With your reference to dressing as shakti to entice shiva. I was wondering is the idea that shakti is the ultimate divine essence and whether male or female it is our goal to harness her within ourselves.
Also you wrote about how we become more androgynous. I have in meditation, yoga, and psychedelic experienced that surrender is the key. It's part surrender of ego but also very sexual in nature were I allow the energy to penetrate me. I have found in the past the more I fight the more I am held down until I accept this infusion. As such I have found myself awakening and acceptance the call of the lingum. In the physical world I see that as the phallic mother.
During an ayauscha ceremony I had a full experience of the divine were ayauscha entered me from behind and spread though me like a tree, I experienced beams of light coming in out of me, and was in an enlightened state for hours until I made the choice to come back. I also notive when in making love from the top when I gaze into my gf eyes I see such a beautiful energy with in her and one observe it with awe but also wish to be her.
I have never felt any call to be this manly man who demonstrates my power bringing women to ecstasy. Instead project my inner calling, I want to be them, I want to please them in a way I would like to be pleased. Women apear to me as the physical embodiment of the divine.
With all of that said it makes me wonder is this experience synonymous and the same as how many men on this path feel? If so what purpose do we have what is the divine nature of men? The men I admire carry the feminine within them. The more I embrace my feminine nature the more I love myself. I do not beleive in gender transition as it is physical the energetic is what matters to me. In many ways I am an energetic transgender that requires the masculine form to filter Devine energy into wisdom.
I wonder how much of this is ego and how much of this is divine calling.
Let me know you thoughts and whatever other insights you can offer. I greatly appreciate it.
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Dogboy
USA
2201 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2024 : 9:06:28 PM
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You said it nicely that you don't necessarily have to transition outside when you can experience transition inside, and yes, surrender is definitely part of the process, we stimulate, integrate, and radiate sexual and spiritual arousal; we are more of a sponge than a container. So when there is attachment to the "physical" it may derail us in our pursuit for self realization. The strap-on, for instance: it likely is an attachment both literally (for the strapper) and metaphorically (for the strappee), especially if it becomes a crutch for arousal, and its presence may keep the union anchored in the physical (bodily) realm rather than transcending the body. A yogi with an active imagination may get just as much out of a finger, without having to deal with introducing equipment into a session.
quote:
I wonder how much of this is ego and how much of this is divine calling.
This is always worthy of reflection and inquiry, and the answer may be situation-dependent. As yogis we should be entering practices quietly and openly, without expectation for particular sensations or outcomes. We commit to open to the deepest silence available within; when the inner winds stimulate in this medium, we simply be there now, and surrender all doing. |
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interpaul
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2024 : 9:24:59 PM
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| Jonjarrah, I admire your openness and deep commitment to understanding your truth. For me the yogic path is a continuous path of self discovery, of surrender. I see it as an iterative process. Each thought and action result in feedback. A genuine openness to this feedback is all one needs to go deeper and deeper into truth. Ultimately no one can answer our questions fully. We all have biases. I don't need to tell you how judgmental the world is. Discernment seems to come from a growing inner awareness. A willingness to respond to the feedback again and again without judgement for one's "failings". I sense in your words a person with a great depth who already has this capacity. I hope you can trust that inner voice as a guide. |
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Jonjarrah
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2024 : 5:30:25 PM
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| Thank you I appreciate both of your kind words and guidance |
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Jonjarrah
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Mar 28 2024 : 5:42:32 PM
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I find myself back here to inquire more from those who have replied and those who may read this thread and want to chime in.
Some time has passed and I find I reconciled the physical nature of my soon to be wife and my sexual acts. I reached peace in finding that during intercourse with my soon to be wife that we are one. What I mean by this is that I do not desire penetration as I have been able to dissolve the boundary between us and can recieve my lingum through her yoni as if it was my own. It has become evident that we are one being and during the act the physical act is just a means to connect for us to be able to play out what ever we please astrally.
The one thing that still confuses me is the want to crossdress. The act itself is physical and I understand that the gender of clothing is purely egoic and created by the collective ego (society). Then again the clothing women wear is much different and it attracts me. The aspects of this clothing (primarily undergarments, costumes, and overly frilly and poofy dresses) I like is the fabrics, frills, colors, poof, bows, and cuts of the clothing. One thing I have not added previously is that I also enjoy diapers, specifically ones that have princesses, unicorn, and other girly icons on them.
There is a delicate innocence I suppose I wish to embody. I am not sure how to transfer this energetically. I find when I wear this clothing I become flirty, I like to giggle and courtesy and twirl around. I beleive that the clothing enables me to enter a state that is telling of how I would like to spiritually invent myself. I also enjoy how this clothing makes me feel vulnerable, wherein my most private places are exposed but delicately packaged and framed in soft fabrics and lace trim.
I guess what I am trying to illicit with this post is to 1. Hear about others with similiar experiences. 2. Through discussion try to discover why this has become part of mine and others paths. 3. Explore and discuss what it means to be have these physical manifestations and how it informs us on our spiritual path. 4. If there is anything to be understood about this feminine inclination in regards to past and next lifes.
I do not wish for people to be cautious of offending me by there opinions, so please do not reserve yourself from speaking bluntly and having an opinion that seems harsh. As long as you know within yourself your opinion is not malicious then please feel free to share anything.
Also insights and opinions do not have to be limited to the 4 points I have outlined. Feel free to share in anyway that relates to what I have written. |
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Dogboy
USA
2201 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2024 : 12:10:54 AM
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First of all, congratulations on your engagement, and having a partner's full support, that is a home run. That you both can explore intimacy in your practices is quite a blessing.
Jonjarrah, you do not say if this is a private or a public desire, and I personally do not have any inclination to cross dress, nor do I consider the desire, it must be completely confusing. If you are private, you go on living as you have. If you are going public there is a lot that you should consider. |
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Feminine energy in the male form
