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Lane
USA
2 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 03 2017 : 01:12:09 AM
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I've been having a rough time lately. Constant anxiety, poor digestion, obsessing. I was diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma and a few months ago I started having beginning Kundalini "symptoms". When symptoms get more intense I start obsessing over how to fix or solve the problem. I don't know how to accept things.
I'm glad I found this forum. The intellectual climate makes me feel a bit more at ease; it's not super crazy, in fact it all makes sense to me so far.
I used to practice "zazen", do creative writing, play music, and read lots of spiritual books. When Kundalini started I quit doing those things because I didn't want to make it more intense.
I don't know if I want Kundalini or not (though it's definitely started). I've had a lot of fear and stress over it, but I also want to get rid of my past traumas. I'm not a trusting guy by any stretch. I can't take eyedrops or ride roller coasters, too sensitive and fearful. (I wonder if that relates to some specific trauma which I could someday be free of.)
I will tell you, I think too much, and I don't really do much with my days. I spend tons of time on the internet. Social anxiety has kept me online and away from social situations, though it is somehow getting easier for me to be around people.
I keep worrying about all the things I love, all the preferences I've collected, thinking I'll have to give them up. Even feeling wrong for holding onto them, as if God feels contempt toward me for being wrong. That's a common stressor for me. "What if I'm wrong?" Doubting and questioning myself all the time. I think it relates to my relationship with my dad growing up, always being torn down and judged to bits for tiny mistakes and non-mistakes. I judge the hell out of people for being "phony" and self-righteous. I instantly size people up when I meet them, as if I'm asking, "Are they full of sh*t or are they smart/knowledgeable?" I often find myself compulsively holding reservations with people, not being fully friendly to them out of fear that they might not be friendly with me.
Am I rambling? I just hope someone will understand my problems and know what to do. I wonder if I should be meditating, doing pranayama,... I did some pranayama and it seemed like it might have relieved the mild pressure in my head, but I was also afraid that I might do it wrong and mess myself up even worse.
I'd like to ask you to tell me what to do. That's how lost I feel. |
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Dogboy
USA
2201 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2017 : 07:23:02 AM
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Hello Lane, welcome!
Sorry to hear about how difficult things have been for you. You certainly seem very self aware and have an inkling regarding what is driving your thought patterns and attachments. Have you ever been to a therapist to explore these childhood traumas and triggers? It might take interviewing a few to find one you feel comfortable opening up with. Constant anxiety and obsession is no way to live and stress will certainly shorten your lifespan. Being aware is the first step in fixing yourself.
I agree exciting your kundalini symptoms may not be best for you at the present time, but don't think you need to give up writing and music, for they can be self soothing and therapeutic. I am certain God is not full of contempt, this is the fearful voice of change keeping you in limbo, the same voice who judges so it won't be judged, the same voice that keeps you from living fully and finding trust. This is the voice that needs to be addressed with a liscensed therapist.
While I don't recommend pranayama at present, a meditation practice might help you find the inner silence that is present but is being drowned out by this dominant voice. By learning to recognize this inner bully for what it is and learning how to release your attachment to its presence, you might allow the silence to come forward and give you peace. Good for you for recognizing this harmful trait! Now start finding ways to lessen its influence over you.  |
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jusmail
India
491 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2017 : 09:01:28 AM
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Hello Lane,
Welcome to the forum. You are on the right lane. Do start off with meditation, details of which can be found in lesson 13 on the website. However, do read all the the previous lessons too, starting from lesson 10 to give you a firm footing. |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4379 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2017 : 09:31:47 AM
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Hi Lane,
Would you be able to answer the questions in this topic:
https://aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp...=11628#11628
You can copy and paste them into this discussion and answer them here if you wish.
That will give us a better idea of where you are at and what you are aware of already.
Christi |
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Lane
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2017 : 1:20:00 PM
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@Dogboy
I do have a therapist who I am somewhat comfortable with. That's always a problem, being afraid to open up with things I'm very ashamed of. One of her specialties is Somatic Experiencing, which is what I started seeing her for. She's been trying to get me more comfortable and calm before dealing with the traumas. Part of the fear is that when we start to work with my body I might start having kundalini rather than releasing these traumas.
No therapist is perfect but she's been one of the best as far as me being able to open up.
It's been in the back of my mind that the stress will shorten my lifespan, and I maybe never thought to express this, but I'm extremely sad and anxious about this. I guess I'm kind of afraid to even think about it.
I identify with the bully. I think I became the bully so the bully couldn't hurt me.
Getting relaxed can be uncomfortable; I start worrying that I'm letting my guard down. Being liked/loved is scary; I'm afraid of screwing it up. Feeling good is scary; Kundalini starts moving and I worry what could happen.
@justmail
Thank you. I have started reading the lessons and I'm finding them helpful. I'm thinking meditation might be the ticket too, considering my therapist wants to build this foundation of comfort (which I seem to be fighting against, afraid of failing).
@Christi
1 - Symptoms: twitching, pressure, and a bit of tingling in my lower spine. Pressure at seemingly specific points (I think 2nd and 3rd chakra, sometimes 4th). Tingling on the top of my head and perineum (this has not happened much lately). I have jolts or shocks that shoot up to my head. Lately I've been having dizziness (but I also don't do much physical activity).
One night my heart wanted to open and I couldn't stop it, and then I started having "waking dreams". Then I saw (with my eyes, I think) a colorful "psychedelic" pattern which caused me to then get out of bed and walk around the house. It all stopped when I did that.
Lastly, I was trying to allow kundalini a few times (thinking I had no choice), and I felt some jolts accompanied by extreme fear and burning at the back of my neck and shoulders. I wasn't sure if the burning was K or just fear.
So primarily physical symptoms.
2 - The twitching in my lower spine is usually happening. The jolts to my head seem to build up, and they can happen when I start to relax or think about certain things (such as God).
3 - I think spiritual practices played a big role, but I had actually stopped them before it really became clear what was happening. I think the thing that started it up was this: I was in a ton of pain, day after day, and I had the thought, "Something is going to give." Suddenly SOMETHING started happening to me, almost like there was another person in me who started trying to take over. I started begging it to wait, until I could get certain things taken care of.
4 - I was engaged in meditation, creative writing, singing, thinking a lot about death and spirtual concepts. Such things. I have spent at least 2000 hours in "zazen" (I use quotes because I had no idea what I was doing a lot of the time and was learning just from books... I realize this may be zazen anyway).
5 - I guess meditation triggers doubt, and my mind starts going 100mph to figure certain things out, trying to make damn sure that it's safe to relax and whatnot. That's stressful.
6 - I smoked pot years ago, combined with a lot of deep philosophical/spiritual thinking. I learned things that brought me peace, but I was having a lot of intense panic attacks so I stopped smoking a long time ago. I maybe had very minor kundalini symptoms at that point.
7 - Yes, abuse as a child (a bit of physical but mostly emotional/psychological). The panic attacks from smoking weed were also very traumatic.
8 - I was doing nofap (which was honestly an intense, painful struggle) to help me progress spiritually and also to help with my art. Now I fap every 6-7 days because I don't want more kundalini stuff. Any more frequently and I get very weak, sick, and afraid.
9 - I wasn't aware that a lighter diet can stimulate Kundalini. I eat eggs, cheese, milk, yogurt, grapes/juice, occasional kale broth, rice pudding. That's the main stuff. Sometimes ice cream.
10 - "Do you engage in moderate exercise regularly, like walking, yard work, etc?"
No. I do walk sometimes and do house work. Some very light yoga at times. But most days I feel so low-energy that I'm afraid to exercise because I'll make it worse. I am aware of the grounding aspect.
11 - "Are you a highly devotional person? Are you aware that excessive devotional activity, satsang or spiritual study can aggravate an active kundalini?"
Not really. I can be, but normally I'm pretty detached. Yes, I am aware.
12 - "Are you engaged in ordinary daily activities like a job, school, family, parenting, social activity, service to others? Are you aware that such activities, undertaken without spiritual intention or expectations, can help ground excessive kundalini energies? "
No. I've been wanting to, thinking it would help with the K stuff.
13 - "Have you been examined and treated by a medical doctor or mental health professional for your symptoms in the past? If so, what was the result?"
I was in the psych ward a few months ago. They gave me a horrible anti depressant which I quit taking when I got out.
I take a drug called cyproheptadine. When I don't take this drug I feel suicidal. When I take it I don't feel suicidal. It's a delicate situation because I have struggled with under-eating, and if I don't eat, this drug will make me sick. I actually started taking it because it stimulates appetite.
14 - "Are there other factors and/or measures you are taking in relation to your situation that are not covered above?"
Just trying to eat as much as I can (I guess I average about 2200 calories) and I log my calories every day. I do try to go for walks when I can.
I wish there were Kundalini Centers for people struggling. I want to find some kind of community to be a part of. It's hard to be around my family (I live with a sibling and visit my parents often).
15 - I'm 27, male.
(sorry for not proof-reading, I'm going to try to get my mind off this stuff) |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2017 : 9:21:43 PM
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You're coming into your Saturn Return. A classic time of transformation. Better buckle up and set your sights on a worthy ideal.
Mine was a trip.  |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4379 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2017 : 03:37:50 AM
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Hi Lane,
Good to hear that you have a good therapist that you can talk to. That is important.
When people experience a premature kundlini awakening, there are things that they often mention. One of those things is trauma, which can induce a premature awakening. Another is pot smoking. Zazen also comes up fairly often, especially because of the intense sitting periods that people do and also because of something called "surrender sitting", which is when people deliberately do not move their body for a certain period of time. All three of these things are known to be related to premature awakenings.
There is advice in this lesson on how to deal with difficult kundalini symptoms:
Lesson 69 - Kundalini Symptoms, Imbalances and Remedies
Although intense exercise like running can increase kundalini symptoms, gentle exercise such as walking will be very beneficial and will help to ground out the energy that is moving through your body. I usually recommend people in your situation to spend at least an hour a day walking. Two hours a day certainly would not be too much.
Socializing is also very important, so make sure you get out in the world. Engaging in volunteer work is a very good way to remain active and also be contributing to others in society.
Your diet does raise some concerns here. It sounds very dairy intensive? Eating a nutritious balanced diet with a wide variety of different foods is important, so that could be something to look into? You did not mention seeds, nuts, a variety of fruits and vegetables, grains, roughage etc. ?
With the right methods (especially grounding techniques), kundalini can be brought to a manageable level quite easily. When that happens, you will feel less anxiety, less stress, more energetic and so on and will be able to gradually build up a spiritual practice again. It could be worth waiting until you are in a more balanced and stable place before engaging in spiritual practices. Meditation can bring peace and balance, but as you probably know, it can also aggravate kundalini symptoms when things are going haywire. So it would be a case of testing the waters and seeing if it is right for you at this stage. If it is not the right time yet, then one day it will be.
Do keep taking your prescription medication until you feel that you can manage without it. When that time comes, you could talk with your doctor about gradually reducing the dosage or stopping altogether.
Christi
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