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zackw419
USA
4 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 02:05:24 AM
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I hope my post is deemed appropriate for this forum and if not so be it.
I am going to try to keep this condensed and to the point.
I am 23 years old, my name is Zachary and I am from Texas but currently living in upstate new york.
I had an initial "spiritual awakening" about 4-5 years ago and I was naturally drawn to meditation and the yogic path. Without much study I was able to reach what I think was savitarka samadhi. In this experience my logical mind was still in tact but far receded in the background...the experience was truly bliss...almost disconnected from the body but not quite and about 90% disconnected from the egoic mind state I find myself in most of the time (the very concious portion of myself involved with 'regular' thinking). In this state I had direct experience of absolute contentment, bliss. It got to a point where I felt I no longer needed to breath but I found the lack of needing to breath always seemed to awaken my logical mind and I would be brought down in vibration a little bit. I went as deep as I could go till It felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to jump, but just not ready. So I bring this up only to preface what I am about to say. To note I do seem to have some natural ability to reach deeper states...or so I thought.
At this point, 4 years ago my life was great...I was truly able to carry the vibration from meditation into my daily life and truly able to feel and directly experience others as a part of me.
fast forward to now. ALOT has happened. I had bodily issues that I let distract me from my spiritual practice and I became very depressed...much more depressed than I thought I was capable of experiencing. I lost all hope and since then I havn't been able to get back to my natural loving and happy self. I managed to work my way out of the issues with my body which was the cause of my depression but its like I went so low it left a scar that is still with me. I ended up going even deeper into depression in other circumstances just kind of giving up and letting my mind wander to the darkest places...there was a lot of study of the dark occult but I never intended to participate in it...the curiousity is was made me read more about it but next thing I know my head is filled with things I don't want to experience. I also used marijuana for about 1 year straight every single day multiple times daily and this helped me loose myself even more.
I am skipping a lot because I am trying to get to the point...but basically I find myself now in a place where my third eye is over active, more active than the average person and I have a severely blocked heart center/green ray energy. I have worked with healers who have felt sympathetic pain due to how badly deactivated my heart center is. I havn't felt true self love or love for others consistently for a long time. I have worked hard in various ways with mantras and meditation to try to undig myself from the hole I am in and I have had moments of clarity here and there but still nothing even close to bliss or true happiness...just kind of peaking through the curtain kind of stuff. I know what bliss is and I tell myself that all I need to do is to be able to reach that state that I once reached in meditation and then all would be clear again.
See what has happened is my perception is not clear because my heart center is not open...so perceptually I am not experiencing the world in a correct way. I find my emotions towards other severely blunted and towards myself. with my third eye fairly active in its own way I am clear about what I want...I see the goal clearly and I know my morals and values...but only on a mind level...I don't feel my morals and values or compassion in my heart...so its a hollow experience...its like trying to tell a robot what love is like kind of thing.
I am now looking to Kriya Yoga as a serious practice and I am doing my best to persevere. I can sit in meditation for an hour easily...my impatients isn't the problem...the problem is I can't reach a deep meditation when I am not open in my heart. I can't force it perceptually. I have built within me false beliefs that live on their own without my feeding them (or so it seems) so now I want to change but there are feeling tones and blockages that are more deep in my mind/chakras so its not a surface level thing. I try in every way to FEEL gratitude...I comprehend it and I know it in my mind...but I have yet to truly feel universal gratitude and love in my heart...when my heart is open my perception is DRASTICALLY different and I am guided along like a train on train tracks...so my solution is to seek that same meditative state in hopes to open my heart again.
In meditaiton I am finding that much of my sadness has spoiled like bad milk and lives in my heart as anger...anger towards my challenges, myself for allowing this, others for not understanding me (even though I know better). I feel that I am someone who is very disciplined emotionally in that I don't go blowing up on people easy...but I find the anger/sadness has built to such a magnititude that it is needing to be spontaneously manifested (screaming, throwing things, etc) but in a controlled manner and a controlled enviornment. What I mean is I am in control of it but it bubbles to the top like lava in a volcano and simply has to come out in someway. So due to this I find so much resistance in meditation. I have tried EVERYTHING...and there is still something I am not seeing in my being. Its as if I need some kind of karma yoga (outward actions) to heal this and until I do I won't make progress in my meditation.
A healer that I trust told me I wouldn't progress until I see a part of my being i disowned. I should mention also...a big part of this could be that I greatly desire social interaction and also sexual interaction with the opposite sex (im male)...but I have had lifelong fears of relationships even though I have been in a few (only around 3 the longest lasting for a month...I was 14 then)...so there is a lot of sexual frustration and wanted to just be affectionate and close with the female principle in physical form if that makes sense....my problem is i have these built in feeling tones that manifest that tell me in my being (dont trust them, no one can help me, etc etc) and its not in my surface mind. Those feelings manifest only as feeling and I have had to decifer what the feelings mean. Its like I have put a lock on my heart and deep deep down I am afraid to recieve love and give love....
In my meditations I have felt the anger to such an extent that I get physically ill and have to stop the meditation. Even though a part of me wants to reach a state of bliss...there is still that lingering subconcious feeling tone of hopelessness and not wanting it....so it feels like no matter what i do in my mind...its deep under my skin so to speak and it needs to heal.....I am sorry if this post has brought anyone down as I don't mean it to but the internal pain I have been experiencing has been IMMENSE and so strong that I worry I will develop some kind of cancer or illness if I allow it to continue any longer...It manifests in my body and as physical pain...a burning in my heart/throat and forhead...that feeling like when you were a kid and wanted to cry so bad but you held it in. Thats what I feel like constantly throughout the day. I work with mantras...I know I am divine...I know love is in the moment ALWAYS I can sometimes experience it but in my third eye not my heart.....I am really just looking for guidance. I have no friends. literally none. This is my creation and I own up to it...I am just wanted to reach out and not hold it in since I no longer know what to do. I watch masters on youtube and I just want a guru be with...to help me....but I am aware that some level of discipline must be shown first before it is appropriate to have a guru. SO I am trying....I am trying...I am sometimes apprehensive of meditation because of the physical pain I feel from my anger...the burning sensation all in my chest and throughout my head...
I am open to all feeback and thank you for reading this
Thank you |
Edited by - zackw419 on Nov 12 2015 02:10:14 AM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 04:51:19 AM
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Dear Zack,
I'm sorry you are going such a hard time. From what I read, I believe you are over-analyzing everything. STOP! Let go. It is what it is. Chasing bliss is attachment. Forget trying to gain something, achieve something. Pick the meditation that works for you, do it on a regular basis "as if you are brushing your teeth" - says Yogani. Then go out and live life fully.
That is all that is required of you. Relax - everything is out of control. 
Sey 
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Edited by - SeySorciere on Nov 12 2015 04:52:37 AM |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 07:15:54 AM
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Hello Zachary, welcome to the AYP forum!
I second Sey - just let it be.
You had a smooth start of your journey, with some pleasant experiences 4 years ago. What followed is also part of the journey. Emotional baggage can surface as a result of practices. This is normal part of the process. It takes some patience going through the rough times. Fighting the emotions, fighting the mind does not help. We can reduce the discomfort by self-pacing i.e. doing just enough meditation (and other practices) for the purification process to continue at a level where it is not painful, or at least bearable.
Sometimes pain cannot be avoided, but you can avoid the strife created by opposing it. In this situation it is best to accept that a certain amount of discomfort is part of your path. Releasing the emotional baggage is, after all progress. Simply notice it without fighting it. You don't need to do anything, just acknowledge it's there. It will wear out sooner of later. I'm not talking about repressing - that is why it's important to hold those feelings in awareness, but do not add to the pain by beating yourself up for it. It is just a phase. When things have cleared up (and they will), the journey will feel smoother again.
I understand you are about to take up Kriya Yoga. I recommend reading the AYP lessons nevertheless. A lot of the information in the lessons can help you understand how the journey goes and how to self-pace if necessary.
Best wishes to you |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 11:48:18 AM
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It's good to be a dreamer. AYP is for dreamers. At least that's why I keep sticking around and blabbering on with fellow enthusiasts.
It's your birthright to have friends and companions. Keep wishing for it, in a gentle but passionate way, and it will come true. It has come true for me, and is still coming true.
For those of us who are driven to dive inward, it is equally important to find solace and connection in the outward manifestation of life. Abiding on the edge of inside and outside is the place to be. Then the edge stretches to become much more than an edge, and more like a boundless field.
The beauty of nature has much power to heal, ground, and liberate. This is something I realize more and more...that my body is part of the nature puzzle. Therefore, it is highly advantageous to not only align it with stillness, but also with the aliveness of creatures, organisms, food, shelter, etc.
Small steps. Subtle adjustments. Big connections.  |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 2:42:49 PM
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quote:
For those of us who are driven to dive inward, it is equally important to find solace and connection in the outward manifestation of life. Abiding on the edge of inside and outside is the place to be. Then the edge stretches to become much more than an edge, and more like a boundless field.
Beautiful Bodhi . |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 3:06:07 PM
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Dear zackw419,
A big hug to you. You need to take it easy for right now- looks like you are going through a lot of purification. I would stop all spiritual practices until things are stable
Have you read AYP lessons? I highly recommend it.
Yogani and many other advanced yogis have cautioned against chasing experiences. I agree with them. It's not about the high states or experiences. It's about sharing in the world what fruits you have received in the meditation cushion. Sharing the peace and joy to everyone you come in contact- Stillness in action. Enlightenment becomes irrelevant after that.
I would advise you to ground yourself- long walks,heavy food, spending time in nature, dance, paint, serve people around you. Do what you love- go to the movies. Forget about the bliss. You need to be grounded right now. Once you are in balance and peace -people will flock to you and it won't matter to you anyways. Life goes on and you flow with it regardless of what's happening. That's the beauty in living. All emotions arise and disappear within the infinite silence.
Sunyata |
Edited by - sunyata on Nov 12 2015 3:34:01 PM |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 4:39:56 PM
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Hi zack,
I had a black mass in my heart area. I understand the desire to get rid of blocks. I tried my hardest, but got sick of it since it didn't seem to help. I just left it alone, and one day I noticed the mass was gone. There's something to just letting things be, but you might have to discovery that for yourself. |
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Dogboy
USA
2195 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 5:43:56 PM
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You've been given a lot of good advice, Zack (grounding, surrendering outcomes, reducing/suspending practices). You have gone through a lot alone so this online community can help you in that way.
A great way to encourage your heart to decalcify is to be of service, ie volunteer at an animal shelter or food pantry, or wander through your neighborhood with a rake and tend to your neighbor's yard, free of charge. It can be as simple as holding the door open for someone; the idea is to give without expectation of getting something back. Their gratitude for your actions will slowly chip away at your darkness and loneliness. Right now you are living a lot in your head and are very attuned to what is amiss inside you; by serving you are turning that inside out; by giving freely, your troubles and burdens are lighter. Make it a mission to serve everyday, and I promise it will slowly right your ship.
It is probably best you are without a relationship at present, for you would not make a good partner in your present state. As the darkness fades your light will shine through and be recognized by others. You won't have to seek a relationship, it will find you when you are ready. By then you will be very practiced at serving others, and a very attractive partner indeed.  |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 5:54:45 PM
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| Strong message about service, Dogboy. Amen. |
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zackw419
USA
4 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 8:54:32 PM
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Really great advice and thank you to all of you. Thank you for the positive vibes.
Last night I was able to open my heart in meditation. I had forgotten how helpful music could be when aligned with Anahata. I definitely made headway last night and I agree with all of you about living in my head and "trying" too hard. I also want to clarify I don't want the bliss for myself like a drug. I want it for the very reason of sharing it with others and being able to not just see myself in others but feel the connectedness too. Today I experienced some of this connectedness I havn't experienced for a long while. For those who sent me positive energy, thank you. I feel it was helpful. I am trying to let go...I have found though through ceasing spiritual practices it has a worsening effect since I don't have much of an external life. I know I need to build one..and find happiness in the little things. I agree about serving others and should dedicate myself more to that.
I have experienced more darkness that I wouldn't ever wish on my worst "enemy", although i have none. My over active mind seems to tie into mental health challenges that I deal with and that my father dealt with. Sometimes I am not sure where to draw the line between what I create for myself and what is effecting me karmically/genetically...if that makes sense. I do definitely think too much and I am wanting to just be...but being filled with many unfulfilled desires I feel that is the root of my anger/sadness...its like until I handle certain things in my external life I wont feel peace within myself. I need to work on opening up to people and trusting them with my heart...I don't fear people or sharing on a surface level... but there is a deeper part of heart that says "don't let them in". I will look more into the AYP lessons. Thank you all. |
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Dogboy
USA
2195 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 9:55:27 PM
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Okay Zack, the opening and trusting will come, and unfilled desires addressed in time, you are a young man in a world of instant gratification, it will not be easy on you. Take spiritual steps every day, be gentle and loving to yourself, witness your thoughts as they try to steer the car, and gently take back the steering wheel. This phase will take some time to undo, allow yourself that.
Walk your neighborhood. Say hello to the first neighbor you meet and introduce yourself. |
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zackw419
USA
4 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2015 : 10:39:14 PM
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| Thank you.. |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2015 : 04:35:25 AM
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Hi Zack,
Welcome to these forums. You received many good advices here. Just a big hug
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zackw419
USA
4 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2015 : 02:00:16 AM
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| Thank you so much Charlie, a big hug from me to you as well |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Nov 21 2015 : 10:05:59 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by zackw419
Really great advice and thank you to all of you. Thank you for the positive vibes.
Last night I was able to open my heart in meditation. I had forgotten how helpful music could be when aligned with Anahata. I definitely made headway last night and I agree with all of you about living in my head and "trying" too hard.
Hi Zack,
It's always a great feeling when the heart opens up during meditation, but looking for this or marking it as "progress" is a recipe for suffering in my experience.
Highs like these are great, but seeking them, sets us up in opposition to their corresponding lows, because we want one and then don't want the other. And when we don't want something, it tends to stick around until we find the hidden value in it.
If you could see the so called emotional lows as containing as much value as the highs (the bliss, joy, etc.) you wouldn't exhibit a preference for one over the other. In my experience, the hard emotions, that bring the pain and suffering, are the precursors for growth and the increased light shining from within.
quote:
I also want to clarify I don't want the bliss for myself like a drug. I want it for the very reason of sharing it with others and being able to not just see myself in others but feel the connectedness too. Today I experienced some of this connectedness I havn't experienced for a long while. For those who sent me positive energy, thank you. I feel it was helpful. I am trying to let go...I have found though through ceasing spiritual practices it has a worsening effect since I don't have much of an external life. I know I need to build one..and find happiness in the little things. I agree about serving others and should dedicate myself more to that.
I have certainly had periods in my life where too much spiritual focus causes imbalance. It is all a derivative of wanting something out of it, it is good to have a look at what we want and how we prefer it over what we have. Wanting what we have is a place of profound peace.
quote:
I have experienced more darkness that I wouldn't ever wish on my worst "enemy", although i have none. My over active mind seems to tie into mental health challenges that I deal with and that my father dealt with. Sometimes I am not sure where to draw the line between what I create for myself and what is effecting me karmically/genetically...if that makes sense.
Resisting thoughts or anything that is or arises, in my experience, has only ever lead to increased volume and intensity of whatever I am resisting. You can drop the resistance and still take steps to change your life in the direction you want to go. For example, "yes this is unpleasant, now let's refocus on the direction I would like to go".
quote:
I do definitely think too much and I am wanting to just be...but being filled with many unfulfilled desires I feel that is the root of my anger/sadness...its like until I handle certain things in my external life I wont feel peace within myself. I need to work on opening up to people and trusting them with my heart...I don't fear people or sharing on a surface level... but there is a deeper part of heart that says "don't let them in". I will look more into the AYP lessons. Thank you all.
Having hobbies and other interests can be helpful in keeping spiritual pursuits in greater balance. Also a good way to meet and connect to other people.
I would suggest: give up the highs and remembering that the lows yield growth and learning will lead to a place of deeper peace and emotional balance.
Best of luck to you! |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Nov 22 2015 : 10:37:15 AM
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Hi Zack
Being 3 times your age, it's unlikely we'd have much in common. Yet I could have written just about every word of the post. Are you familiar with Ayurveda? Based on what was written, you're having some fairly typical Vata isues. It might be a good idea to take a look at Ayurveda and in particular, the Vata dosha. Also, are you familiar with Asperger's? If not, you could do a brief online search and see if anything resonates, perhaps take an online test. Checking out both of those suggestions - Ayurveda and Asperger's - may be the beginning of providing some comfort for you. It may be inspirational to know how others have dealt with similar issues.
The best suggestion, however, is to read this book: The Presence Process by Michael Brown. There is a thread here on that topic. Michael studied shamanism very thoroughly and then came up with a method to blast through all emotional issues. Unlike psychoanalysis, this is a highly expedited approach to resolving energy blockages. If one is willing to do the work, the results can be phenomenal in a relatively short period of time. Gratitude happens automatically when residing in the present moment. Which is very difficult when our energy is stuck in the past.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
What is sensed from your post is emotional pain or trauma from a past life. But if you don't believe in reincarnation then that knowledge is hardly useful. As I do believe in past lives partly from recollected bits and pieces, perhaps a general description will suffice. It seems there were two episodes of severe abuse in past lives (though fortunately not in this one). Recently, over the last few years, I've come to grips with these episodes. And very gradually come to accept that some people are indeed vicious. But they are also hurting, very badly hurting in fact.
As a result, there is more or less acceptance of what has apparently been recollected. Forgiveness isn't quite there yet, but purification is progressing. Getting closer by the day to when forgiveness will be genuinely felt. Situations happen in which it is painful to choose between a number of unpleasant options. Sometimes we may feel forced to be unkind or cruel - to ourselves or others. While it has seemed that I couldn't or wouldn't treat others so uncompassionately, now I'm not entirely certain. Whatever the explanation, situations happen, where we might do something previously inconceivable. Coming to this realization has been painful but worthwhile. The Presence Process course has been twice completed and been very beneficial in helping to resolve my emotional wounds.
Sending healing your way, know that all is well. Be very very gentle with yourself. Whether you are Vata or not, this is a time when you are overly sensitive. Be patient and very kind to yourself.
love
parvati |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Nov 22 2015 : 11:04:59 AM
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Hi Anthem
I mostly agree with your post and was wondering if you could shed some light on something. Why is it that when we steer ourselves toward happiness and away from discomfort, it often backfires and doesn't work out the way we wanted? But when we help others to be happy, it's usually a win-win. Helping others often gives us more joy than if we had tried to make ourselves happy. I don't get this, although it has been verified over and over. Why should the way we treat others yield a different result than the way we treat ourselves?
love
parvati |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Nov 22 2015 : 1:10:46 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by parvati9
Hi Anthem
I mostly agree with your post and was wondering if you could shed some light on something. Why is it that when we steer ourselves toward happiness and away from discomfort, it often backfires and doesn't work out the way we wanted?
Hi Parvati,
Frm my observation, in duality there are highs and lows, one can't be without the other. If we seek the high, we will have to pay with the corresponding low. When we get tired of the game of duality or feel certain things are no longer worth the price, then we can choose to move towards peace and stillness.
If we avoid discomfort, it is a form of resistance to what Is and what we resist persists. From my point of view, once we embrace the suffering, really listen and learn, we can let go and move on once it is done with us.
quote:
But when we help others to be happy, it's usually a win-win. Helping others often gives us more joy than if we had tried to make ourselves happy. I don't get this, although it has been verified over and over. Why should the way we treat others yield a different result than the way we treat ourselves?
This is a great question, I don't really know the "why" of the mechanism here, just that I observe the same as you do. Reasons are made up anyway. The heart expands when we help others, there isn't internal consideration for me/ I when it is from unselfish intentions. It is about something that is bigger than i/me and that is always expanding from my experience. Once our attention rests firmly in the here and now on what Is, without internal consideration for me/ i, we know ourselves in everyone else.
lot's of love,
A |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1532 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2015 : 04:29:45 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by parvati9
I mostly agree with your post and was wondering if you could shed some light on something. Why is it that when we steer ourselves toward happiness and away from discomfort, it often backfires and doesn't work out the way we wanted? But when we help others to be happy, it's usually a win-win. Helping others often gives us more joy than if we had tried to make ourselves happy. I don't get this, although it has been verified over and over. Why should the way we treat others yield a different result than the way we treat ourselves?
love
parvati
Dear Parvati,
I think this is just a Law of the Universe. We have to give what we want. When we give something e.g. Love / Happiness, this is a clear indication that we have it.
Sey |
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sunyata
USA
1507 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2015 : 09:12:42 AM
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quote:
Why is it that when we steer ourselves toward happiness and away from discomfort, it often backfires and doesn't work out the way we wanted? But when we help others to be happy, it's usually a win-win. Helping others often gives us more joy than if we had tried to make ourselves happy. I don't get this, although it has been verified over and over. Why should the way we treat others yield a different result than the way we treat ourselves?
As cliche as it may sound- we are "one" behind all that is happening. Even though an individual "I" may not be able to see this at the time. When we help others- the "one" behind the "I" recognizes it. So in sense- one is helping oneself. Hence so much joy in service.
Sunyata
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Edited by - sunyata on Nov 23 2015 09:34:01 AM |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2015 : 11:00:00 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
quote:
Originally posted by parvati9
I mostly agree with your post and was wondering if you could shed some light on something. Why is it that when we steer ourselves toward happiness and away from discomfort, it often backfires and doesn't work out the way we wanted? But when we help others to be happy, it's usually a win-win. Helping others often gives us more joy than if we had tried to make ourselves happy. I don't get this, although it has been verified over and over. Why should the way we treat others yield a different result than the way we treat ourselves?
love
parvati
Dear Parvati,
I think this is just a Law of the Universe. We have to give what we want. When we give something e.g. Love / Happiness, this is a clear indication that we have it.
Sey
Hi SeySorciere
Bingo! This is exactly what I think too. But that was after pondering Anthem's reply. What he said led me to the same conclusion, which you articulately expressed here
love
parvati
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at my wits end
