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kami
USA
920 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 12:08:34 PM
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A strange, "obvious-in-retrospect" observation. Of healing..
For many years, I've had a condition known as Raynaud's phenomenon, where the fingers and toes when exposed to cold will turn completely white, numb and in short succession, very painful. It had progressed to the point where, over the last two years, even in the peak of summer, reaching into the freezer section at a grocery store would immediately result in the vasoconstriction (contraction of the blood vessels due to spasm). I had looked into autoimmune disease etc and not found anything (very common in this condition). In fact, I had started thinking about taking medications for it.
Two weeks ago, after this process of inquiry and surrender took off and in the middle of the polar vortex many of us have been experiencing, I rushed out of the house one morning forgetting my gloves. It was a day I needed to get gas in the car in subzero temperatures. Dreading it, I got out and stood by the pump, waiting for the tank to fill. The numbness began immediately. But instead of squirming around, I stood completely still and watched the sensation without labeling/rejecting/attaching coloring. Simply noticing. Removed from the "me", it was a fascinating observation. Within minutes, the sensation changed, turning into warmth and gradually went away. Gas filled, I got in the car and drove away without the usual drama of "need to thaw my fingers" that could normally go on for about 30 minutes.
That day, I began to ask, "show me where this comes from". Two days later, an image appeared out of nowhere - of me standing at a bus-stop on a very cold day with no gloves, nearly 17 years ago. That was the time I had arrived in the US and was living in a little Northeastern town. Extenuating circumstances had led me there, where I was renting the attic of a kind couple, working three jobs and had just enough money for one strategically thought out meal per day, and certainly no money for warm clothes. Until then, I had not known temperate cold weather, or the experience of utter, total despair and loneliness, with my family and friends thousands of miles away. Every evening was spent sitting alone in the attic, thinking incredulously about how I had gotten here, from being a star student, a high-school valedictorian and a role model for so many younger kids. Every morning, I waited for the unreliable bus service, sometimes for two hours, with no gloves and fear of frostbite. By the end of that year, the tears had dried and fortunes shifted; but the pain was never forgotten.
So it was shown - the memory that held the belief of Raynaud's in place. The memory colored by the pain of loneliness, of a sense of failure and utter despair. And as it came up, it was seen to be just that - a memory that existed no "where". It was inherently empty. The only thing arising in the present moment was a thought about the past. Yet, it had been carried as a deep belief and - a very real disease.
It has been a week and I have not worn gloves. Last night I walked a long way to my car in the biting cold, got in and looked at my fingers - they were cold, but not numb or white or painful.
The incredible power of letting go..
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 1:39:05 PM
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Hi Kami,
That is a beautiful story and understanding.
Thank you for sharing.  |
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BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 1:40:27 PM
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Thanks so much for sharing like this Kami.
Little by little I'm finding the letting go practice starting in my life and I need it soooooooo bad!
So loving of you to affect my life the way you do and many others too for sure. Thanks. |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 2:15:50 PM
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Jesus Christ, that's beautiful. Very strong.
Miracles happen every day. Thank you for sharing. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 5:40:23 PM
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2014 : 03:52:52 AM
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| thank you for sharing dear Kami |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2014 : 4:42:54 PM
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| Thank you for reading Maha. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2014 : 12:01:33 PM
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Although the following doesn't necessarily pertain strictly to bhakti or karma yoga, I'm adding here since the process and insights were facilitated by bhakti/surrender..
Last week, there was a quiet shift. As the inquiry continued, it went like this, each step looked at deeply and directly - "this thought causes pain?" --> "oh but wait.. the thought itself is inherently empty" --> "what causes pain then?" --> "I am attaching emotional coloring to it" --> "where does the coloring come from?" --> "from me" --> "who is this me? Does this me have attributes of its own?" --> (after going through the process of eliminating one by one, the body, mind, thoughts, etc) "no, it does not have any attributes of its own" --> "so where is this me that suffers?" As it came to this, the me could not be found anywhere. And with "what is this me?" it became crystal clear that this "me" was merely a concept, a thought/belief.
Quite nonchalantly, there was a radical shift that resulted in spontaneous sobbing - in the instant recognition that I am not what I thought I was, and seeing the limitlessness of "me". Over the next few days, the inquiry continued - "so this is me, but what is all this other stuff - this body, mind, thoughts, people..?" And once again, none of those "others" could be found any "where" when looking from the perspective of this I. Body, thoughts, mind and everything else is seen happening "in" this I and yet, as this I, I remain pure and untouched. Past and future, here and there are - mere concepts.. Additionally, this I is the I of everything and everyone and thus remains pure and untouched. As this I, I simply am. What is more astounding is that this I has always been.. Even before meditating, attempts at purifying the body/mind, even before it was known that there was something to seek, being a sinner and being a saint - this I could care less! In the past, with any opening, there was a slight and subtle anxiety about "losing" it. But there is no such anxiety for now - even if I begin to think of myself as this limited body/mind again, nothing can ever be lost. This I will always be. No fireworks or energetic surges or visions - simple, and the most obvious thing there is.
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Omsat
Belgium
267 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2014 : 12:38:39 AM
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Hi kami,
I usually appreciate topics of personal sharings quietly..
But for once, I feel like dropping by and let you know
Thank you for taking this touching journey as you do and sharing it here openly
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2014 : 10:44:10 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Omsat
Hi kami,
I usually appreciate topics of personal sharings quietly..
But for once, I feel like dropping by and let you know
Thank you for taking this touching journey as you do and sharing it here openly
Thank you dear Omsat for reading.
Much love. |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2014 : 2:56:48 PM
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Just amazing kami
Thank you so very much |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2014 : 06:34:14 AM
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Pure and mellow. Not sad, a serene joy in your voice.
Thank you.
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2014 : 12:28:33 PM
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Thank you Jonesboy and Anima.
No sadness.. Discovering I am that which I was seeking is beyond joy.. Sat-chit-ananda.. The peace that passeth all understanding. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2014 : 1:12:35 PM
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The mechanics of spiritual bypassing..
Discovering this I, the "I am" is like falling in love. With myself. Eager to discover the mysteries of the Beloved, this me. Bhakti has shifted suddenly from devotion to an Ishta to devotion to this me. Daily living is like being in a lucid dream.
And yet, stuff comes up - fleeting glimpses of pain or hurt.. In this, the mechanics of spiritual bypassing are becoming clear.. It came up over the last day in an interpersonal exchange with a friend whom I love and respect dearly, whom I share every spiritual opening with and who has been a steady presence in my life. However, in many of our conversations, it had become apparent that he didn't place the same "value" to this relationship. The way I had dealt with it in the past was to repress the sadness that brought up, or in states of expanded consciousness, bypass it entirely (which is just another way of repressing). After it would pass, we would continue with our exchanges. This occurred once again over the last few days, and this time, attuned to deep inquiry that has been ongoing, I was forced to look at it.
So, here I am, as this I, my true nature, from whose vantage point, everything like this is silly and meaningless. Yet, as in a dream, it sure feels real. What is the underlying cause of it that makes it seem real? As I let go into this, it became clear - I was projecting my need for a special relationship with this person. He didn't see it that way because it isn't his need or experience. As I let go deeper, I wondered where this need arose from. And it was revealed that it arose from a sense of lacking driving the need for approval from him, whom I had emotional coloring attached to. So I decided to look for this needy one. And she was nowhere to be found. Each thought that arose about it was inherently empty; the coloring itself inherently empty and finally, the needy one merely an empty thought. As soon as this was seen, the thought-feeling dissolved, once again leaving behind the I am. Radiant, peaceful, eternal, joyful. And finally, from deep in my heart, I was able to let go of him in total love and acceptance. And in a flash of deep insight, it was startling to see that there is no inherent "value" to any relationship. Any perceived value is just that - a perception. Whose? Mine. Where is this me? No "where". So this is nothing but a thought/concept/belief of "me" giving rise to yet another thought/concept/belief of "value" in a given relationship. If this isn't madness, I don't know what is!
Spiritual bypassing happens like this:
1. Opening into one's true nature - which is mostly intellectual to begin with, for most of us. For this to become an ongoing, ever-deepening living reality takes time and ongoing inquiry.
2. Because it is mostly intellectual, stuff related to the identification as the limited self happens/comes up.
3. When it does come up, the easy escape route is to deliberately revert to #1, with a quasi nihilistic attitude of "there is nobody here anyways". However, once again, because of #2, it doesn't really quite gel and there is a huge chasm between where one really is (mostly intellectual knowing) and where one thinks one is (experiential knowing).
4. The chasm and rejection of what comes up to be (prematurely) "nonexistent" results in bypassing, aka, repression.
5. Because of the premature illusion of having arrived and not having processed the coming up stuff, the stuff keeps happening again and again and again.
The cure for this (from my experience) is to:
1. Acknowledge that this is the case.
2. Know where one is (even if the initial knowing of one's true nature is transformative, it isn't complete).
3. Take the stuff that comes up to be real (because it sure feels that way), and worthy of inquiry.
4. Inquire deeply and surrender to the nature of the stuff, working backwards to the felt sense of "I suffer", and finally "look" for that suffering I.
5. Do this as many times as it comes up, knowing fully that in complete and experiential knowledge of "I am", this can't arise. Thus, it is merely an invitation to know the Beloved more intimately.
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2014 : 4:32:39 PM
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| Live the dream. It's beautiful. |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2014 : 6:58:26 PM
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You weave through the layers with a fine delicacy. It is enjoyable to observe your process of relational self-inquiry. Thank you for sharing your experience of navigating these multiple levels of consciousness.
I suppose the magic occurs when each respective person's needs and wants intertwine, and in that union, there is fulfillment. Much like the individual instruments of an orchestra retain their unique timbre, and yet resound together in concordant harmony--thereby becoming whole--so too can souls align when their purpose is true and genuine and parallel. In this sense, airplane pilots can co-mingle with businessmen, poets can dance with doctors, and amateurs can switch places with experts in all manners of expression.
The palette of experience has no limits to its tone or color, and if ever we were innocent in exploring these shades of blindness, now would be the time to be innocent, and truly humble, as we come to terms with the magnitude of our gifts. All from the divine, which is way beyond my feeble comprehension.
I aim to die everyday, so I can be reborn into this mysterious and refreshing flow of Oneness.
Forgive the romanticism.
At your service. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2014 : 7:54:28 PM
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Thanks Bodhi.
Coming into our true nature is not about (1) self-effacemement, (2) blending into blah-ness or (3) the most feared "loss of individuality" or the "darned" ego. All these are mental pre-conceptions, none of which are true. What is lost (or, more accurately here, is in the process of losing) is identification as the limited self. What does that actually mean? It simply means that each moment is lived fully, in the raw, without being clouded by the layers of learned interpretations, constructs, good/bad, like/don't like, and such. No need to die everyday to be reborn - in this eternal "am-ness", every moment is absolutely fresh, vibrant, alive. Total and complete wondrous innocence.
It is like finally tasting the actual food, not the recipe. But the food is tasted through the same body, the same lifestyle and relationships, the same daily routine, the same contributions through chosen work.. Same yet somehow just not the same. The relief, peace and joy of being some "thing" (actually not a thing at all) that is vast beyond comprehension or expression really does instantly negate all the things it is not.
Remember Saint Francis' famous prayer? "It is in dying that we are born into the eternal self.." Dying of what? First and foremost of tightly held concepts of what "it" is (1-3 above)...
Thank you for the romanticism - thoroughly appreciate it, as that is the framework here as well.
Love. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2014 : 09:40:13 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by kami
Last week, there was a quiet shift. As the inquiry continued, it went like this, each step looked at deeply and directly - "this thought causes pain?" --> "oh but wait.. the thought itself is inherently empty" --> "what causes pain then?" --> "I am attaching emotional coloring to it" --> "where does the coloring come from?" --> "from me" --> "who is this me? Does this me have attributes of its own?" --> (after going through the process of eliminating one by one, the body, mind, thoughts, etc) "no, it does not have any attributes of its own" --> "so where is this me that suffers?" As it came to this, the me could not be found anywhere. And with "what is this me?" it became crystal clear that this "me" was merely a concept, a thought/belief.
Hi kami
Have been enjoying you're lovely writing.
Wondering, in relation to the above, if you have considered what is the origin of a thought. It seems they keep coming in all their various types.
Whatever about thoughts building upon other thoughts and the development of stories and beliefs etc.. What I am talking about is the origin of an original thought out of silence. How does this arise and where does it come from??
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2014 : 11:34:58 AM
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Dear Sparkle,
Thank you for reading my endless ramblings.
What you ask has been the subject of inquiry here. And in these explorations, every single thought can be traced back to the concept-thought-belief of "me-ness". And it's closely related sibling, "doing-ness". A thought is just a thought - it cannot actually "think", much less analyze itself (without more thoughts). So what gives a thought its power? The analysis that is derived from past experiences, acquired knowledge/information and imagination about an unknown future or outcome. Where did these come from? From "me", this concept-belief as a separate entity, entirely dependent on "not me", that is, "others". This differentiation is the root cause of all emotional coloring that drives the analysis above. But where is this me exactly? If I cut open my body, will I find it? If I say its in my mind, the question will be where is the mind? In any of my brain dissections in medical school, I didn't find a mind or thoughts or intelligence. So where is the me? Most importantly, what is the me?
Thus far, it is found to be no where, and no actual thing, except this - the initial thought of "me" as an actual entity has propagated every single thought-emotion complex that has risen to keep the "me-ness" alive. And in retrospect, all "doing-ness" has come from this original misidentification. I thought that "me-ness" was the one "doing" or "not doing" the endless things of my own accord. But in reality, there is no "me" except as the thought-concept-belief. So who was "doing"? Besides, no doing or not doing was ever "free" of all the stuff that goes into analysis (above). Every action and "choice" has been entirely dependent on all those factors, the root cause of which was "me-ness".
In these deep explorations, this misperception of identifying as the "me-ness" seems to be the original "sin", the foundation of the "castles in the air" that drive our living.
Love to you. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2014 : 12:48:10 PM
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Hi kami
Thanks for that explanation.
Yes I get what you are saying, what I like to explore though is something that has arisen in some Insight Dialogue retreats with Gregory Kramer.
As the week of a retreat develops and the inner silence builds Gregory sometimes asks people to inquire into listening to one's own voice emerge out of silence. In this listening, for me at least, it is easy to see also the emerging of the thought as it tumbles into words spoken and heard. It is like it emerges out of an interface between silence and life.
As I see it, what happens after that is what you are talking about, identification with these thoughts, with these images and the memories and putting together of all our stories.
Whether a person is very unaware or whether they are a Buddha there is still this interface where ideas/thoughts emerge. As you know in Insight Dialogue there is this trusting of what emerges and there does not have to be anyone identifying in order for this to happen, it just happens.
It is like life creating itself in our lives all the time at this interface. What we "do" with it afterwards is another matter.
For me it is like an intelligence moving through us all the time, creating and emerging through each of us.
And yes I agree that identification is what creates the suffering but also with non-identification the emergence of this intelligence through us still goes on - call it God, love or whatever. To say there is nothing does not make sense in my experience but maybe I'm missing something, which is more than possible 
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2014 : 8:51:29 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Sparkle
Whether a person is very unaware or whether they are a Buddha there is still this interface where ideas/thoughts emerge. As you know in Insight Dialogue there is this trusting of what emerges and there does not have to be anyone identifying in order for this to happen, it just happens.
It is like life creating itself in our lives all the time at this interface. What we "do" with it afterwards is another matter.
For me it is like an intelligence moving through us all the time, creating and emerging through each of us.
And yes I agree that identification is what creates the suffering but also with non-identification the emergence of this intelligence through us still goes on - call it God, love or whatever. To say there is nothing does not make sense in my experience but maybe I'm missing something, which is more than possible
Ahhh, I see what you're saying dear Sparkle. Sorry for the tangential dissertation.
Yes, I would agree it is ridiculous to say there is nothing. And yes, there is the intelligence that makes bodies/thoughts/emotion possible, that "animates" all these constructs. That intelligence is what we are. Thoughts/bodies etc are downstream to this intelligence - they happen within this intelligence/now-ness. And thoughts happen spontaneously, arising from this spacious now-ness, receding back into it. When a thought arises in the now-ness, it is actually that now-ness occurring as the thought. That is how it is evolving here. Quite possible it will be totally false in a while!!
You are right that thoughts occur spontaneously whether it is a Buddha or not.. But it seems that a thought begets more thoughts when the original one gets associated with "me-ness". This is why Buddhas would have relatively very few thoughts compared to someone who is tightly identified with the "me". Where they come from is awareness. Why? No idea.
Does that make a bit more sense?
Much love. |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2014 : 6:04:04 PM
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Yes we're on the same page thanks kami.
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2014 : 12:08:53 PM
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Meditation sessions have evolved dramatically the last few weeks where I just sit, and let things flow. Let everything come up as it does without trying to manipulate anything, go back to breath/mantra etc. Sitting this way this morning, the issue of all the "difficult" relationships that somehow continue to be seen in the mind to be "difficult", or "unsavory", or "wish it weren't so", etc etc came up. As it arose, the realization dawned was subtle but significant - all along, it was Being pushing and prodding the "me" to wake up. Completely loving and yet completely impersonal. This was seen very clearly; the seeming sequence of events that led to taking up spiritual practices and then being pushed off the edge with inquiry.. I was asking the wrong question by asking "why", when the only question to ask is "how". In asking how, the answer is intuitively clear - exactly this way. When thus seen through this fresh perspective, all the adjectives of "difficult", "unsavory", etc fall away into "allowing". Perhaps this will need to be seen repeatedly, but that's ok.
It now feels that there was a subtle but definitive turn on this spiritual journey. All the practices "before" and "after". Surrender has become relational, as has inquiry. But neither are relational to inner silence but what is felt here to be the more subtle, "I Am-ness". Relational with respect to subjectivity, and not objective (felt/experienced) inner silence. Inner silence is of course the I Am-ness in the ultimate sense. But further upstream from inner silence, witness becomes Being, I am. Mysterious and yet so familiar.. Intimacy that cannot be described.
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pkj
USA
158 Posts |
Posted - May 19 2014 : 5:13:09 PM
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Kami
thanks for sharing.
"The incredible power of letting go.."
It says lot. Whenever there is an issue i am holding on to it. When someone reminds me to let it go it really helps.
Thanks
PKJ
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