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Satsang Cafe - General Questions on AYP

Too early to appreciate it

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lmaher22

USA
186 Posts

Posted - Apr 22 2012 : 11:08:29 PM

When I first went to college I was overcome by this what, I don't know, egotistical rush of snubbishness. I wanted only to talk about 'important' things, no more weather or sports chitchat. I had no idea what 'search for intellectual talk was' but I hated it. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it and I couldn't get rid of it. It lasted on and off for years until I realized that most of life is chitchat sooner or later for everyone, even for Pres. Obama I guess. I'm reminded because twenty years later my therapist was talking about how she had gone through the 'horrors' of 'superiority' in conversation and how painful it was to shut people out, but how, at least she was overtaken by it in her late thirties while studying psychology.
Anyway, a few years later I quit my heaving drinking and went for professional-spiritual help. Not long after, I began to notice everything I was doing in my day to day activities. I heard myself talking, could feel myself listening, saw myself making lunch, framing a wall, changing a tire, etc.; again, whatever it is we do when we're doing it. I had no idea what was happening till years later after hearing AYP talk about the 'witness'. Apparently, my witness had emerged back then in 'reaction' to a totally 'reactive' life; but I had no idea what it was and though it was new and interesting at times, it meant nothing to me and soon faded.
Point is, if there is a point: I would never want that ego nonsense to re-appear but now I'm chasing a long gone witness.
How ironic? I suppose being granted gifts before we're ready is as bad as not getting them at all. AYP is probably giving me all kinds of good stuff right now and I have not the brains nor insight yet to appreciate it. So what? The reactive anger that I had earlier in life and that turned to a self-perpetuating monster with a life of its own has greatly diminished. For good I hope, along with much anxiety I got from trying to repress it.
People still look at me funny sometimes when I accidently bring up some esoteric stuff I read about the Buddha, so I still have to be on guard over this punch-drunk ego. But it's a small price.
Thanks,
Larry
Bless whatever IS for AYP and meditation and bless all the blessed people here. I'm out of my mind, head over hells in love with my five year old grandson. Plus, The Three Stooges movie may turn out to be really funny? Is there more to life?

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