|
|
 |
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
mika
Australia
19 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 15 2014 : 8:36:12 PM
|
I've been meaning to post again for a while, at least to let those of you who have supported me know that I'm ok. But it's not easy for me to do so because I feel very uncomfortable and have to confront my fears.
About a week ago I experienced a change where it felt like it hurt less to go with the energy and I couldn't really resist it anyway. It felt more pleasant than negative. I still got a headache and once or twice fell into a deep tiredness, but again, it felt like it hurt less not to resist.
The following days were more or less the same. I had days where I felt an unusual happiness, more pleasant feelings and even something that is somehow fun. But also the usual negative symptoms as well.The positive and negative feelings can be, but aren't always, there at the same time. Pain in my head, sometimes like a regular headache and sometimes like a burning pain. Usually not bad but occassionally gets there. Sometimes it just feels too much for me to handle and I feel shaky, especially when I'm out. My instinct then is to pull away but that seems to make it worse now so I just have to go with it and trust that I'll be ok.
Another change is that a part of me now really wants to go with the energy and enjoy it. This isn't entirely new but it's just too strong now and I don't feel like I have a choice anymore. My thoughts are, 'why fight it if a part of me wants it so much? But I'm still getting negative symptoms. So what is the right thing to do?' I'm so confused.
Other than that, I have had thoughts that seem to be somehow outside of my usual thinking, like I'm going to be ok and find a way through this. So I have been more trusting. But today it's kinda hell again, because I'm feeling sick and nauseous, and I'm not sure what to believe. By trusting more, I feel like I'm either going to find a way to recover or completely break down.
I'm not sure whether I need to be doing something to work through this, or whether to wait it out and hope that it will get better. I've come across both viewpoints alot and haven't settled on one that I believe is true yet. I will work very hard though if I can figure out what to direct my effort into. I have learned so little.
I have still been drinking; it's the only way I know of to deal with the times when things get too bad. But I have kept it in check and cut back. It's not a serious problem. I don't like it but I would prefer alcohol to any drug a psychiatrist could prescribe me, I think.
I'm over trying to talk to regular psychologists about this. I've tried it more than a few times and it just doesn't work out. So I've still been on my own in this for the last few months.
Oh and I've moved house and it's been a good change; I like the new place alot. I have a decent garden now and I like to spend time working on it.
I've been doing some volunteer work but just in the local area. Long distance travel on my own is way out of my comfort zone and I'm too attached to my family to go anywhere else for long.
So that's whats been happening lately. This stuff is very hard to explain, but I did my best. If you have anything to add or can help me understand any of this, please go ahead. |
 |
|
|
Dogboy
USA
2195 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2014 : 9:07:10 PM
|
Welcome back Mika
I've re-read some of this thread and know you've been through the ringer a few rounds anyway. I have to point out your tone is stronger (though you may not feel it!) and I believe you're on the right track, in particular :
quote:
Oh and I've moved house and it's been a good change; I like the new place alot. I have a decent garden now and I like to spend time working on it.
I've been doing some volunteer work but just in the local area. Long distance travel on my own is way out of my comfort zone and I'm too attached to my family to go anywhere else for long.
And here:
quote:
Another change is that a part of me now really wants to go with the energy and enjoy it. This isn't entirely new but it's just too strong now and I don't feel like I have a choice anymore. My thoughts are, 'why fight it if a part of me wants it so much? But I'm still getting negative symptoms.
Fighting energy gave you negative symptoms too, maybe worse? Surrender is probably wiser, along with consistent grounding. Get out and roll around in that garden! The volunteer work will help in combatting your negative symptoms by outward flowing Bhakti. Good for you !
I would be remiss not to say to sharply reduce the alcohol if at all possible.
Keep checking in! We are here for you!
|
Edited by - Dogboy on Nov 15 2014 9:11:13 PM |
|
|
|
Mykal K
Germany
266 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2014 : 06:12:59 AM
|
Hi Mika,
glad you're feeling better. When I got to the place where I felt both good and bad at the same time, I knew I was half way through.
After some more time, it will be all good. Just hang in there.
|
|
|
|
BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2014 : 09:22:29 AM
|
Hi Mika
It's wonderful to hear you are feeling better. You took the hard path to awakening your kundalini, but now you are finally starting to see the benefits.
Only you can decide whether to take up yoga practices or not. Do you have the motivation and the energy for it?
I agree with Dogboy, those grounding activities you are doing are a very good idea.
The one advice I would give you is this: If you do decide to take up practices again, start with some gentle meditation (perhaps breadth focused). Don't try to play with your kundalini energy before you have established a sound basis in meditation first.
Best wishes 
|
|
|
|
BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2014 : 7:30:05 PM
|
Hi Mika!
Its so caring of you to keep everyone updated.
This AYP Forum is heaven for wise Yoga advice like the stuff given in your thread.
But you've been to hell and back and are just trying to stay alive. So search for a technique, a weapon to fight the torment and promote the hope you've felt lately. If a part of you wants "to go with the energy and enjoy it" you deserve a tool to help you do that. But I'm not suggesting throwing caution to the wind and risk worse energetic symptoms and mental agonies.
Experiment with trying dozens of different techniques that could work for you without feeling compulsion to do them in a certain way. After a few drinks try a few minutes of mantra or spinal breathing. Experiment with yoni mudra kumbhaka or maybe alternate nostril breathing. Then at other times maybe try with no booze.
One Self Realization Fellowship monk had a recording published in 1983 and widely distributed by SRF. In it Brother Mokshananda talks about a guy who for a while did spinal breathing (SRF Kriya Yoga) with kriya beads in one hand to count and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand to sip on. Eventually the guy gave up the booze when spinal breathing gave him more. Even a conservative outfit like SRF knows some people get there backs against the wall spiritually and have to get creative.
At the top of the AYP forum page it says "Main Lessons". A click on that will give you a page of the lessons with links along the left side to a bunch of potential weapons for you. Yogani presents so simply the most powerful spiritual techniques.
It really is loving of you to update the forum...thanks!
Here's a toast to some creative spiritual efforts!!!
Take care Mika! |
Edited by - BillinL.A. on Nov 16 2014 7:34:26 PM |
|
|
|
Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Nov 18 2014 : 2:37:50 PM
|
Dear Mika,
I want to give you support, too. Yes, thank you for sharing this. All I can say is hang in there. Things will brighten! And I can say this as someone who is easily confused about life.
PS:
quote:
Originally posted by BillinL.A.
One Self Realization Fellowship monk had a recording published in 1983 and widely distributed by SRF. In it Brother Mokshananda talks about a guy who for a while did spinal breathing (SRF Kriya Yoga) with kriya beads in one hand to count and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand to sip on. Eventually the guy gave up the booze when spinal breathing gave him more. Even a conservative outfit like SRF knows some people get there backs against the wall spiritually and have to get creative.
That's brilliant AND hilarious! Think of the stomachache he could have saved himself by just dumping the whiskey 
|
|
|
|
mika
Australia
19 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2015 : 10:32:51 AM
|
Thanks for your responses everyone.
After having those positive experiences, and even having a couple of days where I felt so good that I thought the worst was over, I've more or less gone back into survival mode. Lately, I'm back to waking up at night feeling like I have the flu, having a vomit bucket ready and worrying for my life. I don't recall a flu ever being this hard to bear. Fun.
I still have no idea what any of this means, or why I had those positive experiences and why they're gone now. Things look pretty bleak again.
I had tried tai-chi again and a simple meditation of counting down from 100. They both help in their own way, but as with any practice I do, they raise more energy as well; rather than being distracted, having to focus my mind will trigger my anxiety about sexual energy and it's hard to get my attention away from it. I think the days where I did tai-chi in the morning went a bit smoother but I gave up one day when I went to do my practice and was just too exhausted to continue. I guess I'll try again at some point. |
|
|
|
parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2015 : 1:03:18 PM
|
Haven't been spending much time online lately so just noticed your most recent post Mika. There are a couple things working out very well for me that I wanted to mention. And comment on Tai Chi also.
Breakfast. For about 2 years I've been forcing myself to eat breakfast. Prior to that, it was very difficult to make myself eat anything before noon. But thought I'd give it a try. It's been so good for me that I push everything else aside in the morning now.. so as to make sure I at least eat breakfast. It's my number one priority upon rising. For some reason, unknown to me, but perhaps others can explain ... it helps immensely to stabilize and smooth out my energy. It keeps me going all day so beautifully. It's a routine though, and I usually don't do well with routines. Staying with this one though.. as it is effectively grounding me.
Tai Chi. During the emergency phase of k awakening, my Tai Chi practice had to be paced ... just about eliminated for most of 3 years, because it skyrocketed my energy. Back to doing it again and is very much helping to keep my outlook positive and evened out. For this I am so grateful.
Hang in there. Sometimes it's quite hard to be patient. But usually the patience is exactly what we need to cope with the transformation we must experience.
And here's something else. I've taken to repeating a mantra in the morning: I'm feeling lucky today. So far the apparently forthcoming results have been wonderful.
love
parvati |
|
|
|
Dogboy
USA
2195 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2015 : 4:40:43 PM
|
Hi Mika
I don't knknow how your update was overlooked, apologies from me. Parvati is right on about breakfast and positive affirmations. I too eat within fifteen minutes of rising and it is indeed stabilizing. Getting into the routine of "feeling lucky" may well be a placebo effect but who can argue with results?
Someday I will try Tai Chi.
I also imagine radiance as emminating from my solar center in highly energetic states, almost as if willing it to disperse all the while surrendering all effort: quite a paradox, for sure! Somehow it is working for me, as I rarely overload; a classic case of a foolish believer .
|
|
|
|
mika
Australia
19 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2015 : 05:05:07 AM
|
I haven't expressed my gratitude enough to all of you for your support and advice, so I would like to thank you again. Thanks for being there to help me when I didn't have anywhere else to go. I'm sorry for being so terrible with replying to your posts too. 
I will have an update soon. Maybe slightly good news? I don't know. |
|
|
|
mika
Australia
19 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2015 : 06:46:15 AM
|
I really don't know how I'm doing lately. But there have been some changes, that's for sure. I'm experiencing increased confidence, courage and determination. I also frequently feel happy and have even felt peaceful. Personal development has become more important to me. Being a stronger and healthier person and also a more caring and helpful person has a very high priority for me now. I like all of this and welcome being a better person. The problem is, all of the negative symptoms are still there and I'm still not any more functional than I have been for the last few years.
The tiredness, headaches, nausea, flu symptoms and other negative stuff still greatly interfere with my daily life. As an example, I had to skip an appointment a few days ago because I was too tired to do anything but sleep. Sometimes I get so brain fogged that I worry whether I'll be able to get a task done or get home. These positive changes aren't much good when I'm still struggling so much day to day. But with the increased determination that I have, I'm trying to do everything I can to heal and grow.
I know some of you have said that it's a process and it takes time, but I've gotten mixed messages about that even here. I'm not ruling it out at all, but I'm not going to just rely on that theory either. I've been looking over your responses again, which I find helpful. I haven't given some of your suggestions a fair try, and I want to work on doing that now.
I'm pretty sure tai-chi is beneficial for me. I do a simple movement. I can't remember the name, but it's like the constant bear movement in its simplicity. I move at a fairly fast pace, so it's more like rhythmic exercise. The relaxed feeling I get is worth it.
I still have my anxiety and I'm afraid that if I don't do something about it, I will not adapt to living with this energy and continue to have negative symptoms. I don't know whether that's true. But I feel the need to work on it anyway. Some people have mentioned deep meditation, but I'm not sure what method to use. I don't like anything that involves the breath, but maybe I should get over that.
Anyway, that's what's been happening lately. Once again, I welcome your input.
|
|
|
|
BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2015 : 1:17:09 PM
|
Great to hear you're doing better Mika!
AYP Deep Meditation is special. It could be the one thing that totally gives you relief.
The Deep Meditation Lesson starts here:
http://www.aypsite.org/13.html
...and continues through Lesson 37.
If you want more detail Yogani's Deep Meditation book is here:
http://www.aypsite.org/books-dmebook.html
...and a sample of that book is here:
http://www.aypsite.org/books-dm-sample.pdf
I've worked hard for forty years to find prayers or practices that brought me inside myself and nothing has come close to helping me like AYP's Deep Meditation using "I am"!
Best of luck to you Mika! |
|
|
|
BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2015 : 1:23:28 PM
|
I should add that at the AYP Plus site for $10 per month you get the 15 AYP books streaming to read and 11 of those books you can listen to Yogani read them to you.
Its really special to hear him read them Mika and you can cancel right after signing up and still get full access for 30 days. |
|
|
|
So-Hi
USA
481 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2015 : 3:38:44 PM
|
quote:
Originally posted by BillinL.A.
I should add that at the AYP Plus site for $10 per month you get the 15 AYP books streaming to read and 11 of those books you can listen to Yogani read them to you.
Its really special to hear him read them Mika and you can cancel right after signing up and still get full access for 30 days.
AYP Plus is really great, special request Dear Yogani would you please sell an Audio Book version of the Secrets of Wilder, will buy immediatly, it is one of my favorite books of all time would be so nice to listen to the book in the car when traveling. |
|
|
|
yogani
USA
5195 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2015 : 3:47:39 PM
|
quote:
Originally posted by So-Hi
AYP Plus is really great, special request Dear Yogani would you please sell an Audio Book version of the Secrets of Wilder, will buy immediatly, it is one of my favorite books of all time would be so nice to listen to the book in the car when traveling.
Hi So-Hi:
Hoping to have an audiobook completed for the Secrets of Wilder by year end. It will be included on-line in AYP Plus along with the rest of the audiobooks, and also available separately for off-line listening.
Thank you for your interest! 
The guru is in you.
|
|
|
|
mika
Australia
19 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2015 : 02:30:35 AM
|
| BillinL.A., thanks for the suggestions. I'll look into that meditation. I'm not sure whether I should be doing this sort of thing, but I've received so much conflicting advice, all I can do is try it cautiously and see if it works for me. |
|
|
|
ak33
Canada
229 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2015 : 2:59:12 PM
|
Hi Stephen, I've been reading through your posts. My advice will be completely practical, things you can change NOW. If you don't like it, feel free to cast it away, but hear me out. Your anxiety is the main problem here, not the energy. IMO, InnerVoice on page 2 gives the best advice in this thread. Forget about all this kundalini stuff, engage with friends/family, exercise like a madman, keep a steady meditation practice, whatever method you choose, but stick to it. I recommend taking the above words to heart, because you can immediately apply them and make a change NOW rather than playing cat and mouse with your own mind. Like Dogboy said, you are sounding stronger, but you are victimizing yourself also:
"I have still been drinking; it's the only way I know of to deal with the times when things get too bad. But I have kept it in check and cut back. It's not a serious problem. I don't like it but I would prefer alcohol to any drug a psychiatrist could prescribe me, I think."
There's your self-justification. Cut to the chase, kick the habit.
"I know some of you have said that it's a process and it takes time, but I've gotten mixed messages about that even here. I'm not ruling it out at all, but I'm not going to just rely on that theory either. I've been looking over your responses again, which I find helpful. I haven't given some of your suggestions a fair try, and I want to work on doing that now."
A short-term solution for defeating painful mind states is to create momentum with positive habits. You are already doing this, looks like from your July 12th post. The positive habits over time strengthen and the negative ones will weaken (should you choose to abstain from indulging in them).
This brings me to my last piece of advice: sometimes the way out is straight through. If a meditation practice is creating problems, chances are you'll find the same problems in other situations in your life. The way through is to sit through them. Take this piece of advice with caution, you have to make sure you'll retain your sanity.
Anyway, just pay attention to the first paragraph, the rest is just an explanation of why it will help you.
P.S. I have had anxiety disorder for 7 years, but the only real concrete solution I've found is to keep facing your fears. Over and over again. |
|
|
|
BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2015 : 4:14:20 PM
|
quote:
Originally posted by mika
BillinL.A., thanks for the suggestions. I'll look into that meditation. I'm not sure whether I should be doing this sort of thing, but I've received so much conflicting advice, all I can do is try it cautiously and see if it works for me.
Mika best results come when no results are expected. That sounds goofy but it is ABSOLUTELY true with respect to the Deep Meditation that Yogani teaches. Its the key to no anxiety and no energy problems.
"... we begin by easily repeating the mantra silently back to back, and letting it go as it will. And that is also how we pick it back up when we notice we have gone off it, wherever it is in clarity or faintness, without imposing a continuous mental structure on it.
It is so simple. Yet in our minds we strive to make it complicated. Just start the mantra and let it go how it will. Then when we notice we are not on it, come back to it and let it go how it will. Like that. When we find ourselves in stillness and notice we are off the mantra, we come back to it again at that very faint level, letting it go how it will, which will take us deeper." ~ YOGANI |
|
|
|
mika
Australia
19 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2015 : 7:36:31 PM
|
I've cut my alcohol intake in half. But throw it away entirely, right now? It is sometimes the difference between me being able to get out and socialise and staying home, and between going through hell and having a reasonable evening. I think it's ok for me to have a crutch for now.
I can't forget about kundalini, because it's always there, or nearly always there. I can try to let go of trying to fix it/my symptoms and focus more on doing other things, which may be the right thing to do...
That has been hard for me, though. I don't think I've said enough about my chronic pain, but I could hardly leave the house for a while a couple of years back. I'm a lot better in that respect now and I continue to recover, although slowly. I can't play sport yet, but I've just started swimming 3 times a week. I hope that makes a difference. :/
Also, randomly getting flu symptoms, or very tired and just finding socialising difficult is getting in the way of things too. I'd like to go back to studying and get another degree but I'm not sure that I can handle face-to-face and might have to do it online.
So you too think my anxiety is the problem, not the energy. I like it when more than one person tells me the same thing. I'm not really sure what to do with that information, though. I would try to treat my anxiety with exercise, relaxation practices and facing the anxiety by allowing myself to feel it. I'm trying the first two of those, but feel like it isn't enough and the third just seems way too difficult for me, especially when socialising. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable, like even a little more stress will break me.
I can't exercise like a madman; not yet anyway. I can only do so much gardening at home and I feel like I should be working on something more important when I am doing it. I have reason to believe that meditation may just not be right for me, but I'll try it cautiously. Full time study in person might be good for me but I'm highly doubtful of my ability to handle it.
I don't know. I'm still confused and will need more time to figure things out. But thank you; I appreciate your advice.
|
|
|
|
sunyata
USA
1506 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2015 : 9:05:46 PM
|
Hi Mika,
You have already received great advice from everyone. You are going through a lot. Hang in there, things will get better, it always does.
|
|
|
|
Sanzon71
Australia
4 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2015 : 5:57:17 PM
|
Hey Mika. My name is Mark. After more than 3 years since you first posted, I need to praise your resilience my friend.
I have suffered through a spontaneous Kundalini awakening myself so have a bit of insight into your situation. If you google Kundalini support, you will find there are resources available to people who have gone through such ordeals.
I am in Australia also. May I ask where you abouts you reside? |
|
|
|
mika
Australia
19 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2015 : 06:00:31 AM
|
| Thank you Sunyata. I sent you an email, Mark. |
|
|
|
Sanzon71
Australia
4 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2015 : 7:07:10 PM
|
quote:
Originally posted by mika
Thank you Sunyata. I sent you an email, Mark.
Mika, I saw the email in the inbox, then I lost it somehow sorry. Could you try again? Thanks. |
|
|
|
BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2015 : 7:51:24 PM
|
Sanzon71, mika may not check this thread for a while.
If you want you can click on his name at the left side of any of his posts and then click on "click to send email" under the contact info area.
Take care Mark! |
|
|
|
Sanzon71
Australia
4 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2015 : 11:31:14 PM
|
| Thanks you. |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
| AYP Public Forum |
© Contributing Authors (opinions and advice belong to the respective authors) |
|
|
|
|
Scared of Tantra
