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Jnana Yoga/Self-Inquiry - Advaita (Non-Duality)

Awareness!

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T O P I C R E V I E W
Ananda	Posted - Mar 15 2009 : 09:37:13 AM namaste friends, i haven't been such a big advaita (non duality) reader for the last 7 to 8 months but 4 days ago i was drawn to this book named "Awareness by Anthony De Mello� who is a Jesuit priest by the way. (http://www.amazon.com/Awareness-Ant...p/0385249373) I recommend this book heartily for everyone, it will shake the hell out of you and maybe give you some good wake up to reality slaps along the way. Now the reason why I am posting about this book here and not in the Books, Websites, Audio� forum is because I have never been so much touched by advaitic thought until now and I think the reason for that is due to the practice of deep meditation which has really cultivated inner silence within me as it seems. putting some of that pure advaitic thought into practice like being aware of the here and now hasn�t been so alive until now i mean i knew the whole deal intellectually and I�ve done a lot of extensive reading on advaita and have putten it into practice 2 to 3 years ago and am still doing so until today to a certain degree but now it's clarity it's here something has changed and is changing still and that something is more real than intellectual... And the thing is working like in my deep meditation except that the present moment\the now the voice of the people around me everything is the mantra in daily activity and when I flow with my thoughts then I suddenly snap out of it and come back to be in the now like the way we snap out of thoughts and come back to be with the mantra in an automatic way. and trust me it's pretty clear to the extent where i don't know how to explain it but it's here now and pretty mindfull and everything is more alive and it feels really sweet. But I hope this practice of awareness won�t lead me into any overloading symptoms since it seems to be working like mantra meditation and in case it does I�ll warn you guys unless someone else has been here before and would like to warn everyone early on. light and love, Ananda
25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First)
Ananda	Posted - Dec 28 2011 : 05:07:50 AM Francis Lucille on Awareness and De Mello "We know a bit of what the sage experiences... 'no-self' is not entirely foreign to us..... we experience it when we are working on something we enjoy and there is an alertness and presence to the situation but no thought of self..... and no sense of time.....or when we are with friends, in timeless, selfless, friendliness with no thought of self....just totality in unselfconscious joy... we don't even know we are experiencing joy....we are joy...... And we know there have been these moments. For many of us our journey toward no-self is through attention to awareness, consciousness, presence...whatever term we use for it. THAT, in which objects, thoughts, feelings, the body and the world, appears...... Awareness, that which is most 'I'.... an awareness that would be so clearly there even if we lost our memory.... we would still know, we are...... if we lost all memory, all sight, all hearing, all sense of touch, all senses, we would still know, so clearly, that we are.... Am-ness, awareness Itself..... Most of us have discovered that going to this awareness is not an effort..... not if we have tasted it even once..... and there is a stirring each time presence reminds us of itself....awareness watching awareness..... consciousness aware of itself....and there is a delight, an ease, an at home ness there..... there is something inside us that recognizes that we are on the right track..... this sacred awareness, welcoming, without judgement, all that arises....is the way home..... It is a process of unlearning.... of becoming less, not more..... Eckhart Tolle put it like this....This is not a human development conference but a human diminishment conference. It is about reducing self and increasing awareness. It is seeing our reactions to things, resulting from beliefs we are attached to, relationship were attached to, theories we are attached to..... and just seeing them for what they are.... mere appearances....that none of them is the truth..... just thoughts appearing and disappearing.... arising and disappearing into something that is of a totally different realm. And when we take our stand as awareness, there is this freedom.....there is a sense of being in the presence of Beauty.... with no effort required..... because there is nothing to achieve..... it is more like the effort of a starving person makes to eat his food, or a mountain climber makes climbing his favorite mountain or going to one's beloved..... a lot of energy expanded...perhaps, even hardship but it is fun, ......effortless activity...... Anthony De Mello expressed it so beautiful in his last book, The Way to Love...Tony was Indian and Jesuit..... a lovely combination..... He speaks of what will happen if we turn our attenton to awareness. "Will awareness bring you the holiness you so desire? Yes and no. The fact is you will never know. For true holiness, the type that is not achieved through techniques and efforts and repression, true holiness is completely unselfconscious. You wouldn't have the slightest awareness of its existence in you. Besides you will not care, for even the ambition to be holy will have dropped as you live moment to moment a life made full and happy and transparent through awareness. It is enough for you to be watchful and awake. For in this state your eyes will see the Savior [the Source]. Nothing else, but absolutely nothing else. Not security, not love, not belonging, not beauty, not power, not holiness---nothing else will matter any more." It all happens by grace, and by grace, the witness too, will disappear......for there is only the Beloved.... She is All That Is....."
alwayson2	Posted - Jun 23 2010 : 07:26:19 AM Ok atleast if I had the original Tibetan word used for "awareness" I don't know Tibetan, but almost everyone following this material knows certain key words that pop up over and over again.
Etherfish	Posted - Jun 23 2010 : 12:44:58 AM quote: Originally posted by alwayson2 I don't consider english translations as citable material. Dude, your kinda in the wrong place then . . .I'm just saying. This is a worldwide center for english understanding of yoga.
alwayson2	Posted - Jun 22 2010 : 11:49:22 PM I don't consider english translations as citable material.
Kirtanman	Posted - Jun 22 2010 : 10:08:01 PM quote: Originally posted by alwayson2 I disagree purity can be called awareness. Awareness implies the mind is involved. I agree terminology can vary, but I have not seen anything even remotely resembling the crucial distinction of purity from mind, except maybe the quote in the other thread by N.M. Hi Alwayson, Awareness is primary. "Only a naked manifest awareness is present. (This awareness) is empty and immaculately pure, not being created by anything whatsoever. It is authentic and unadulterated without any duality of clarity and emptiness. It does not exist as a single entity because it is present and clear in terms of being many. This inherent self-awareness does not derive from anything outside itself. This is the real introduction to the actual condition of things. Within this (intrinsic awareness) the Trikaya are inseparable and fully present as one. Since it is empty and not created anywhere whatsoever, it is the Dharmakaya. Since its luminous clarity represents the inherent transparent radiance of emptiness, it is the Sambhogakaya. Since its arising is nowhere obstructed or interrupted, it is the Nirmanakaya. These three (the Trikaya) being complete and fully present as one, are its very essence." Padmasambhava Source: Yoga Spandakarika: The Sacred Texts at the Origin of Tantra by Daniel Odier. When I use the term "awareness", I am using it the exact same way Padmasambhava uses it, in the quote, above. Padmasambhava, who brought non-duality to Tibet from Oddiyana (a neighboring Indian kingdom, to Kashmir) in the 8th Century, and who said of himself: "My father is the intrinsic awareness, My mother is the ultimate sphere of reality. I belong to the caste of non-duality of the sphere of awareness." I'm guessing you're familiar with the Trikaya, described above, yes? "These three (the Trikaya) being complete and fully present as one, are its very essence." You may not be familiar with the name of Abhinavagupta's school of Shaivism; it's short-form name is Trika. It's formal name is Anuttaratrikakula. "The Ultimate {One} Embodied in the Three." Here at the forum, I've referred to the "three in one in all" model of awareness-consciousness-experiencing. This (the source of the Trika of Shaivism; the source of the Trikaya of Buddhism), is what I'm referring to when I say "awareness" (both as the source, and all facets of awareness-consciousness-experiencing vibrating {Spandakaraya) within it). It seems this is also what you're referring to, when you say "crystal clear purity beyond mind." Except for the bit of clarification of terms occurring right now, I'd say we agree on this; we've simply been using different terms for it. Identification with the forms of mind is unenlightenment. Knowing our true nature as the formless, unbound awareness (what you're calling crystal clear purity) is enlightenment, in any accurate-map non-dual system, including those found in Buddhism, Shaivism and elsewhere. Wholeheartedly, Kirtanman
alwayson2	Posted - Jun 21 2010 : 7:57:47 PM I disagree purity can be called awareness. Awareness implies the mind is involved. I agree terminology can vary, but I have not seen anything even remotely resembling the crucial distinction of purity from mind, except maybe the quote in the other thread by N.M.
Kirtanman	Posted - Jun 21 2010 : 7:38:28 PM quote: Originally posted by alwayson2 Unless you have made this distinction between crystal clear purity and mind, you are not enlightened. Adyashanti included. Right. I agree that enlightenment is about dropping the illusions of separate self and concept, and experiencing that the actual experiencer is always pure awareness (what you're calling "crystal clear purity", what I often call original awareness), beyond any forms in (so-called) mind; simply: beyond any forms. Terminology varies; just because someone uses slightly different terminology than you do, doesn't mean they're not enlightened, nor does it mean they're not articulating enlightenment clearly (because many are both enlightened, and articulating enlightenment clearly, whether or not the words "crystal clear purity" have ever crossed their lips, or their keyboard). I get what you're saying though, and fundamentally agree (just not the part about Adyashanti). Kashmir Shaivism has a similar model to Dzogchen, as I understand it, and both, in turn are similar to other "three tier" non-dual systems, including my own (Living Unbound). The most expansive state (which can be called "crystal clear purity", among other things) is original awareness, and is completely non-dual. The middle state is combined dual and non-dual, and is the realm of mind. Both the subtle forms of mind, and formless mind are here, and so this state is mixed, dual and non-dual. The lowest state is the physical realm, combined with the grossest forms of mind (surface thoughts, definitions, etc.), and is fully dual. And so, yes, certain spiritual systems "top out" at the upper end of that second level, and could be said to "not have made the distinction between crystal clear purity and mind". Anyone actually enlightened, and any means which can actually contribute to the experiencing of abiding non-dual awareness, aka enlightenment, does understand this distinction, although, very important: Both "understanding" and "distinction" are forms in the exact mind you're disparaging, here, and they have nothing to do with enlightenment. Nothing. Neither understanding nor distinction have anything at all to do with enlightenment. Enlightenment is the liberation resulting from the continual experiencing that everything arises from, occurs within and subsides back into, the crystal clear purity, aka non dual awareness, we actually are, now. Wholeheartedly, Kirtanman
porcupine	Posted - Jun 21 2010 : 3:58:55 PM I always thought enlightenment was when you realize that which you most desire, you are... well when that happens, and I guess also before.. enlightenment is what happens when you n light n ment you have two squats, (abandoned buildings taken up to be lived in again) on two sides of a light.. then you have a kid who wants to learn how to spell mint, and you say, sound it out! and they say M-E-N-T enlightenment
alwayson2	Posted - Jun 21 2010 : 3:44:56 PM Unless you have made this distinction between crystal clear purity and mind, you are not enlightened. Adyashanti included.
Ananda	Posted - Jun 21 2010 : 07:44:33 AM Thanks K-Man
Kirtanman	Posted - Jun 19 2010 : 9:16:40 PM Hi Ananda, Thanks for this; I agree -- wholeheartedly!! Adyashanti calls Anthony de Mello "one of my favorite enlightened guys." And having been raised "casually Catholic", myself, I find it very interesting, and very inspirational, than enlightenment is truly found in all walks of life, including among Catholic priests. Here's a link to some , for anyone who may be interested: Quotes from Anthony de Mello Wholeheartedly, Kirtanman
Ananda	Posted - Jun 19 2010 : 11:16:00 AM The reason why i am opening up this thread again is gratitude, cause the teachings are first a great partner to go with AYP and second if practiced on a continuous basis they work and in time they become very easy to do and most of the times automatic. Thank you De Mello the "Awareness practices" your works are a treasure. Another great book of his which i strongly recommend is "Sadhana, a way to God" http://www.amazon.com/Sadhana-Way-G...60095&sr=8-6 i've found almost everything nowadays famous advaita teachers are teaching (for ex: Adyashanti, Tolle, Byron Katie, Francis Lucille....) within Anthony's books. God bless you Anthony you've been a blessing on my path(F). Love Ananda
christiane	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 10:36:22 PM I join emc to say thank you Yogani.. thank you for the advices and book reference. And yes, thank you for the reminder that each seeker is responsible for himself. Choosing to trust and surrender to a master needs great awareness! So many so-called gurus are running their business those days.. And so many people are following like sheeps..(I have nothing against sheeps by the way!) Responsibility of being oneself, of listening to the heart and inner guide. _/\_
christiane	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 10:23:44 PM Beautiful Emc, I'm just reading your post, it's 5 am here, and I feel touched like you cannot imagine. Maybe it will sound like a broken CD, but it seems we have a lot in common those days you and me. An autobiography of a Yogi also came to me, although I only had a quick look at it, I saved it on my PC to read it when I feel ready. I'm not into reading those days, but this book is calling for me. I don't have much to say to you, but I think the very concern about bakhti has some bhakti in it, hasn't it? Also, I noticed you are often concerned about what people here think of your posts.. Why should you care?!!! Just express yourself as it comes.. nobody is here to judge nobody. And we are all brand new each morning we get up! What I was yesterday is dead. Each moment I'm new. Each second billions of cells are created in my body... The more it goes, the more I have a broader vision about the whole mind patterns, and at the end of the day, I just laugh at it all!!! What a big joke!!! And I picture myself sailing from wave to wave! The only important thing is to master the art of it, to dance with the waves without sinking! About the PMS thing, tell me about it!!! I'm always surprised to see that each month, I forget about the effects it has on my emotional state.. each time is a new experience. Very interesting to see how the energy is affected, and the insights and sensitivity become more acute 2-3 days before the periods come. It's all good! Take everything with a big smile! The sweet and the bitter! And if it happens that one day, I forget about all those things I said above, I count on you to shake me up and remind me of what I said myself Much love to you emc... you are beautiful. We are all one.
yogani	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 6:39:04 PM Hi emc: Oh, no one likes to get their ego head cut off. But there are plenty of teachers out there now who find pleasure in it, without much concern for the near term consequences: Big highs and big lows for the practitioner. I have seen enough over the years to know it has become pretty common. Your posting here only reminded me of the chaos. Who is looking to smooth that out? Can it be smoothed out? At least here you are advised to self-pace, and you should whenever necessary. All the best! The guru is in you.
emc	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 5:48:43 PM Yogani, thanks for your post! All people are good for something. If they are not, they can at least be used as bad examples! I'm grateful I can serve as one of those. Just wanted to say, though, that I have never gone to a teacher with the hope they will chop my head off. I have gone to see teachers for the same reason I read your lessons - to learn from someone who has gone before me. And I think you know (since you say it yourself) that just hanging around this forum and reading AYP lessons is so powerful that it may be needed to be self-paced, because it's so saturated with Stillness. I actually had one of those flips just from reading your Self-Inquiry book, no? And you didn't promise to chop any heads off... neither has any other of the teachers I've listened to. Realized beings seem to be compelled to share what they have found themselves in the way they find most suitable. And I am grateful for all that sharing! I've always appreciated your advice, Yogani. I think I'll log off this forum to self-pace properly, and quit the spiritual journey for as long as needed and then I might start from the beginning and do it the right order then... If it's possible. Who knows? Thanks all, guys! Much love! emc
yogani	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 5:12:27 PM Hi emc: You might find Adyashanti's book "The End of Your World" helpful, particularly the chapter called, "I got It, I lost It." The book is about the ups and downs of "stabilizing enlightenment," and points to the same kinds of messes that you have described. From my perspective, none if this is necessary, as it is what happens when the cart gets in front of the horse in lopsided advaita (non-duality) approaches, relying largely on "guru-energy." It is certainly not representative of my experience, and I hope not for others who are utilizing the AYP approach without excessive exposure to the powerful energies that are being thrown around these days. It is a sign of the times. When enlightenment is approached backwards (starting at the end instead of the beginning), this is what often happens. When a teacher effectively (or actually) tells you, "I am here to chop off your (ego) head," it is the practitioner's choice whether to dive into that mess or not. There is very little practical infrastructure provided to support it (a la self-pacing). Let the buyer beware. Just a point of view from a quiet place that seeks not to run people more ragged than they wish to be. The guru is in you. PS: You are not the only one riding the yo-yo. Many are who follow this kind of approach. I don't think it is faster. Maybe slower, with all the backing and filling that goes on. PPS: As someone else pointed out recently, lamenting the loss of bhakti is bhakti.
emc	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 4:27:45 PM Back from London, I find all your answers... Thank you, guys! I'm touched by your sincere attempts to cheer me up and give support! I have noticed that these deep shit dips sometimes overwhelms me acutely, I buy in to them seriously (instead of having them like a radio in the background otherwise), not having a ghost of a chance even remembering what thoughts and emotions really are or how I usually handle them... like that information is not there and never has been! Then after a few days of emotional hell comes my period and I realize I must be affected by some PMS - which I've never had any problems with before, really. Since I never keep track of time, when I'm having my period, I forget these dips, so next time it's there as a surprise again... So... I'm already feeling better, and I guess you all sent some good vibes my way, which helped as well! Thanks! quote: Originally posted by christiane One thing is for sure: there is NO journey going backwards.. No, the journey goes on, but it is possible to have been in an enlightened shift and then go back to living from a mind perspective again. I've done it, I have friends who have done it, and Mooji just confirmed how he eventually thought it was a waste of time to bother about those who flip in and out of clarity, never stabilizing and making that little effort that is needed to stay Home instead of believing the mind again. Adyashanti writes about such people, that they can go on and on for 20-30 years of these awakenings into Oneness and That, and still never get the trick of stabilizing... So... I'm just saying so far, I seem to have that type of pattern. quote: One thing I really learnt today, a few hours ago, is that YOU CANNOT MAKE IT HAPPEN. The more desperately you want it, the harder it will be to get.. It can only happen. I can understand that hearing words like "go in", "don't get identified with the mind, etc.", etc. etc. feels like chinese even if we understand it intellectually.. When we are in the mind, this is how it feels.. Until.... 'something' happens, and the heart opens, and then, when you are in the heart, peacefully, (and here, there's no heat or ecstacy or any urge, simply peace, no mind, and neutrality, yet energy flowing from head to toe!)...when you are in the heart, automatically, you are above the mind, you are the master, and the mind becomes your precious servant, a silent quiet servant, and it becomes so much more powerful and steady.. Today, I experienced that state, in particular external/internal circumstances, and once in the heart, 'I' was (and still am) not existing anymore.. I felt like a vehicule with flowing energy moving inside, blood circulating everywhere and just this 'freshness' that is maybe similar to the one Ananda talked about.. Christiane, this is beautiful, and I'm glad you have this shift going on! The thing is, I can only agree with you! Smile and nod. These are the shifts I'm talking about as well... in and out of this... a new sudden surrender, some time as peaceful being - no sign of "me" there, all ego-identity vanished and seen as fake, thoughts and emotions totally powerless - seen for what they are - going to awareness without objects (the Nothingness at it's core) in meditation etc etc etc (Just look at these poems coming out of this being sometimes http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....C_ID=3586...) I have said "I am That as This" and meant it! I agree! It's not that I don't know that shift. The curse of this being (whatever part of consciousness that is not in your bodies, but in this body), is then suddenly to start to believe a thought or a feeling again, identify with it and contract back into prison again, believing it and trying to find the ability to surrender again for a while until it happens again, by grace... And the "backward feeling" is there because these flips over to Oneness and Peace come more and more seldom with longer and longer periods of mind-hell in between. It's actually like the mind has seen the shift so many times now, that it has become more skilled to prevent them? It knows how it is to be totally dismissed and loose its power and vanish, so it's not gonna let it happen that easily again... It's rather fantastic that it's actually POSSIBLE to go into identifying with body-mind again after having it absolutely dissolved in Truth... being the Ocean and beyond, and then believing there's something like separation again... THAT is truly weird! But it's all about frequencies, isn't it? When you're not consciously living as the Now, the Now is not 'available' (please, don't say there's only Now and we can never be out of the Now! ) - only the vague memories of it and the knowings of it all... the mind filter IS there and therefore rules at its frequency. Awareness from a mind-frequency is "mind watching the mind" and non-relational, no? So, I don't know if it's my projection, but I often get the feeling that people here on forum think I'm only talking from intellectual understanding of Oneness, that it's too unbelievable that someone might have tasted Freedom and then left it so thoroughly, descending into mind again, so it can't be from own direct experience? It seems people try to tell me what Freedom is like, instead of addressing the flip-flopping. (I'm just reading "An autobiography of a Yogi", Paramahansa Yogananda, and of course just came to a page where he describes his first "cosmic consciousness" experience, given by his guru, and how he finds it to be when he's back in mind again... Thank you Paramahansa for that book! It resonates greatly with my own journey filled with one increadible miracle after another) Like the crucial point here, is when the first thought or emotion comes that "grabs" something that makes the contraction into density happen again and misidentification happens again, by habit somehow... that's the point where it seems to just go blank in the system and it goes faster and faster and whoff I'm back into mind. quote: When the worrisome thought comes, see it, hear it, love mind for its effort on "my" behalf and then it goes until the next time it shows up and so on. This approach may work during the opening until suddenly a hook from the mind force comes and grabs attention/interest that starts shutting the system down, and I absolutely forget about this approach! "emc" reappears and is in control again... It's a bloody mess going on here! And that's where I sort of pick up the message from many realized sages, that it DOES take some effort there, in that particular point, to stay aware by some kind of will or choice, until it goes more and more automatic. I seem to be totally a seed for the wind, that blows around with any mind trigger that comes! It's like there is some laziness or hidden wish that stability will eventually just happen by itself, while I do start to believe that there is some type of effort in staying aware with WILL, by conscious choice, that has to take place right at that point when temptation to fall back into mind appears - and it will appear since patterns/mind force are designed to shut the doors... And I think we are all different there, that some will indeed get it served on a plate (to stabilize), and others will have to practice more intensely to build a habit of having the INTEREST in Truth instead of anything else, whatever it may be in those crucial points... And that willingness to make that effort is driven by bhakti! And bhakti is what is fading due to these endless, fruitless shifts...
Ananda	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 1:05:30 PM hi again emc, simply put relax for a while take things easy the bhakti will come back and don't feel sorry for yourself the past is past live in the now and work for change in it don't give up "good things come to those who persevere" i know that from direct experience and i've been through hell and back i'll tell you and the bhakti pierces through the heart like knifes some times here and at others it just isn't there and things will change i promise you that no escaping change as you know that's for sure. i trust in the phoenix in you and in everyone. namaste sweet emc, Ananda
grihastha	Posted - Jul 28 2009 : 09:35:09 AM Hi emc, So sorry things are looking bleak. I know you'll probably think, 'Oh no, not another ******* book!' But I've become a bit of a nutcase about Daniel Odier's 'Yoga Spandakarika,' which really opened the doors to a very different, relaxed, SIMPLE way of approaching Awareness. It's lovely... Wishing you all the love, gri
Anthem11	Posted - Jul 27 2009 : 9:28:46 PM I used to fret about the mind perpetually. "Dam the mind said such and such, how unenlightened I am, so much work to do to know or get to the truth" etc. Nowadays, no more solving, fixing or strategies to improve the mind. The mind says many things, that's fine, it is all just mind. Mind can say "I need to fix that thought, it's so bad" but that's, mind too. It took a while for the realization to come that "the fixer thoughts" or the thoughts that talk about improvement etc. are mind too. Overall, I enjoy what mind has to say because a- it can be funny and b- it helps me to know some of the thoughts that others have too, which is useful. So what happens now? Just awareness of what is said. When the worrisome thought comes, see it, hear it, love mind for its effort on "my" behalf and then it goes until the next time it shows up and so on. Great points Christiane, I agree, you can't make it happen. I's desire for self-realization can never be fulfilled, the very seeking prevents anything beyond glimpses. Total surrender to what Is, so that mind lets go (doing nothing), opens the way for right action to emerge uninhibited. This allows what "you" (me and everybody) are looking for to reveal itself as we accept that "I" can never find It.
Kirtanman	Posted - Jul 27 2009 : 8:35:08 PM quote: Originally posted by emc I have just managed to come out from a weekend intense with Mooji, visiting London. Awareness, huh? .. We'll see where it goes from here. I came out of it more convinced than ever that I am so far only into non-relational inquiry and keeping up the self-inquiry in order to find and identify with awareness will take a great initial effort from the mind-identity until it sets off in any relational one, going easier and easier by itself, as both Mooji and Yogani explains. And right now, I'm far too lazy to put any effort into the spiritual journey at all... (I see a trillion Agent Smiths and I give up immediately.) Hi emc, Have you considered that no thought has anything to do with any of this? Awareness isn't a special awareness, or an enlightened awareness. It's just awareness. The awareness reading these words. If you don't like the way the pen is writing, set it down. You are the author; not the thoughts. Reaction to thoughts is just more thought. Hope this helps. Heart Is Where The AUM Is, Kirtanman
christiane	Posted - Jul 27 2009 : 6:36:22 PM Dear emc... I know you don't feel like reading .. but I cannot but say 1 or 2 things here..simply coz I was feeling exactly the same way you are now, for the past 3 weeks or so..until today.. One thing is for sure: there is NO journey going backwards.. I used to wonder about that, but this is only an illusion, maybe due to unfulfilled expectations (and frustration as a consequence). I can talk from my recent - still fresh! - experience.. What Ananda said (and sure you've heard it millions of times) is true.. only surrender with awareness as much as you can. One thing I really learnt today, a few hours ago, is that YOU CANNOT MAKE IT HAPPEN. The more desperately you want it, the harder it will be to get.. It can only happen. And that's what happened to me today.. It's been a while I couldn't read, not a single word without my hand scratching my chick or nose, or playing with my hair.. anything the mind will make you do when it refuses to collaborate.. and then, it's good to just drop the whole thing and do something you enjoy doing.. like a child, for no reason.. without putting effort into analyzing or thinking it 'spiritually'.. Just do basic things or do nothing, sleep, sing, cry, whatever.. and what has a beginning has an end (or a new beginning ) I can understand that hearing words like "go in", "don't get identified with the mind, etc.", etc. etc. feels like chinese even if we understand it intellectually.. When we are in the mind, this is how it feels.. Until.... 'something' happens, and the heart opens, and then, when you are in the heart, peacefully, (and here, there's no heat or ecstacy or any urge, simply peace, no mind, and neutrality, yet energy flowing from head to toe!)...when you are in the heart, automatically, you are above the mind, you are the master, and the mind becomes your precious servant, a silent quiet servant, and it becomes so much more powerful and steady.. Today, I experienced that state, in particular external/internal circumstances, and once in the heart, 'I' was (and still am) not existing anymore.. I felt like a vehicule with flowing energy moving inside, blood circulating everywhere and just this 'freshness' that is maybe similar to the one Ananda talked about.. Sorry, didn't want to write that much, but the hands are just flowing.. PS: maybe it will sound repetitive, but really, laughter and humor is a great joyful weapon against the negative unproductive mind. Peace and Light...
emc	Posted - Jul 27 2009 : 06:31:52 AM Thanks, ananda. I feel your good intention and am grateful for your kind words! Unfortunately, there has never been any enjoyment of anything ever here. This negativity is the normal (mind) state. I came out of my mothers womb and refused to eat for the first five years of my life, and the protest has been going on ever since... (which is interesting, because a baby IS still Oneness, before conditioning hits it, and this being just didn't like to keep the body going from the start... they had to force feed me).
Ananda	Posted - Jul 27 2009 : 05:35:09 AM i've been where u're at before emc, nothing to do but surrender. just let go of the quest and all of those mind games for now and things will take care of themselves. just relax and live your life enjoy the normal stuff give yourself a break and instead of satsangs go to a spa or... just take a break