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Note: For the complete lessons,
with additions, see the AYP
Easy Lessons for Ecstatic Living Books.
Lesson 272 - Addiction, Abusive Conduct, Tough Love
Date: Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:20 pm
New Members: It is recommended you read from the beginning of the web archive, as previous
lessons are prerequisite to this one. The first lesson is, "Why
Q: I have been reading your lessons for 3 months now and practicing. If I may, I have a
question/dilemma for you:
I am a woman in love and involved for several years with a man who, while intelligent,
attractive, vital, and interested in self/soul work can be explosive and emotionally
abusive in our relationship.
Sadly, he is also heavily addicted to marijuana (smoking pot is a 20 year daily habit and
he becomes very agitated if he runs out), cigarettes (a pack a day), sugar, and most
damaging to our connection, hard core pornography that is very degrading to women.
The pornography addiction has brought with it a stream of deception, and broken promises,
emotional abuse and sexual abandonment. It has been very wounding. While I have been
blessed with a physically attractive outside, and am sexually vital, my self-esteem has
been damaged and my joy has been difficult to hold onto. Still, my constant comfort is
that I have always been most interested in developing my spiritual awareness and a deep
and empathic understanding for my fellow students of life and the path toward higher love.
But lately ... I have found myself in despair of many kinds.
I have read nearly 40 of your posted lessons over the last 3 months (interestingly enough,
I was made aware of this site through my boyfriend who has been enthralled with these
types of practices and lessons for many years and, is recently practicing meditation, and
now urine therapy and devours your lessons). I have found the information interesting,
healing and for the most part easy to dovetail into my love for Christ. I am praying that
is brings a healing and evolution not just for me, but for him as well and for our
I have tried through prayer, serenity exercises, meditation and patience to create a safe
place for love and forgiveness. For growth and healing. It has helped me through the more
difficult times. Yet lately, I feel weighed down with overwhelming sadness and apathy when
doing my prayer, meditation and yoga practice.
My concern is that pornography, addiction and deception continue to be such a strong
undercurrent in this relationship that I fear this may never change. Fear. A difficult
obstacle when one has been subject to on-going emotional torment in a love relationship.
Thank you for hearing my heart. I was wondering if you might offer some words of wisdom on
this topic for women like me who are in love and are seekers of truth and light and
healing, but find ourselves weighted down, wounded and afraid?
With warm appreciation
A: Thank you for your kind note and sharing. I am happy you are finding the AYP lessons to
be helpful. I also have a Christian background going way back. In fact, the new novel,
"The Secrets of Wilder," presents the same practices (minus the Sanskrit
terminology) in a Christian-oriented American story.
The things you have going on there with your boyfriend are a complex situation to say the
least. Addictive behavior and abusive conduct are usually based on insecurities rooted in
the past, and it can overflow onto others, especially loved ones. The web of dysfunctional
relationships and behaviors tends to perpetuate itself. But the cycle can be broken. It
takes mutual understanding and commitment to do it. For this to happen there must be
communication, followed by action.
Have you and he discussed these matters? If so, it should be clear enough that something
is out of sorts which can be addressed. If your boyfriend is into AYP, he has
self-improvement in his awareness. This is very good. However, substance abuse and
addictions are not in support of self-improvement and spiritual transformation. They will
retard it to an extent that yoga practices will not be able to overcome. If we are
cleaning the window of our nervous system with yoga practices it is highly unproductive to
be throwing dirt on the window faster than yoga can clean it off. So, some basic attention
in the area of personal conduct is essential to make a go of it.
If there are addictions, 12-step programs are highly recommended to deal with them. There
is information in the AYP links section under "Twelve Step
Programs." The 12 Step Cyber Cafe is a good
place to start. Applications of the 12-step program are listed there for every kind of
obsessive/addictive behavior imaginable. Of course, there has to be a recognition of the
situation and a level of commitment by the individual before any of this can be
Regarding your role in this, if you love your boyfriend, the best thing you can do is make
your feelings known with firmness, and be willing to walk away at some point if there
cannot be a commitment to deal with it. Some of us are inclined to be victims in abusive
relationships, and this can be as destructive as the abusive conduct itself. Giving in to
fear is a direct cause of abuse. If someone knows that their abusive conduct will not be
tolerated, it can have a big effect on breaking the cycle. It isn't easy, but it is a fact
that the best love can sometimes be very tough love. So, this is a test and an opportunity
for you to become more in charge of your own destiny, and be a primary source of
betterment for the one you love. You do have the power. Everything happens for a reason.
Once you find a balance in external relationships, then deep yoga can flourish. It is no
doubt working already in many hidden ways. Rising inner silence is the great purifier and
equalizer. If there is deep meditation going on, then many other things will get addressed
in one way or another.
I wish you all success on your chosen spiritual path. Enjoy!
The guru is in you.
For detailed instructions on deep meditation, see the
AYP Deep Meditation book.
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